Pain wracks my arm each night I try to sleep. If ya get to 70 never break a bone folks and never fall. It heals way too slow and the tendons are the worse part. The pain as you try to go prone to sleep or try to get bach up is like a pressure pain, and the whole shoulder aches an dthrobs on me. Sucks, but, hopefully, it shall heal soon enough and ease up, it’s now six weeks. Time is all I have now, and according to all estimates it may take a good while. It is a good thing I bought a loveseat with recliners in it last year, it is the only way I can sleep at all.
I hope we have hit the end of the ice and snow for now and the weather gets warmer. I fear black ice now and walk very carefully, and try to not trip at all. One good fall once more and it could probally lead me to surgerical repairs, and I don’t want that. Ok, enough on the aching, arm and it’s current condition, all I can do is go day by day with it anyway. Physical Theraphy, twice a week, and see how it goes.
Westborough, Mass as a town, may have been a bad choice for me to moe to, but, I have no choice now, I am here. It lacks things for social interactions for Seniors for sure. The Senior Center is ok, but, boring, when I go there. Interaction is not there really, people tend to read or do exercises there. but, conversations well not so much. I haven’t been to the new Senior center as of yet, where I hear they play Pickle Ball indoors. Someone told me it is pretty nice, maybe when my arm heals more I can try it.
The Taverns and Bars in town are not geared to seniors really and if I go to one, I feel out of place, because of the age difference. Being 70, sucks really and it doesn’t matter, who ya talk to. Age is a factor we all must face, and I tell ya I am not liking it. The body gets tender and creaky, the knees pop and get creaky, The eyes start to go and you forget things you once did know. Thats all part of getting older I gather, and in some ways, it doesn’t matter. I have learned i am not Mr. Popular, Mr. Handsome, or Mr. Personality either. I am usually not taken for funny, when I try to crack a joke and I don’t love crowds at all. People tell me to engage more, go to events and such where I live more. I don’t do it, why, because I don’t feel like i belong here.
On the relationship end of things, I have none with any woman. I never did learn to flirt as I said many times before. I also, don’t want to be taken for money, or abused. I love women, but, the fear is simple, and it is the same they have of us men. They don’t want to be taken for money, belongings, or materialistic things either. They fear emotional commitment also, like we do. We all become more cautious and isolate more as we age. we tend to realize, no one really wants an old person around, so we avoid involvement, so as not to be a burden to anyone else. It’sa process of aging, pride andwanting to be self-sufficent as we carry on. It is a brutal, endless cycle we learn to live in as we get older. For me, I was never a big social person, I always just had myself, a very few close friends, and a woman in my life. Once the woman leaves, I get lost in the crowd, I flounder and and limp along alone. I have basically becaome like a Hermit, living in a Condo and hiding from most. It is a struggle for a person who writes, reads, and does small things to keep busy. I do walk alone when I can, for fresh air and exercise.
My Life these days, involves walking when healthy, doctors, shopping, an dthat it really. I do try to play pool once a week, and I loved bowling when I did it, until I broke my arm. I hope at some point I can do it again for fun. For now, it is like being in a closet, that the door can be opened to, but not much to look forward to once i come out. It’s like a black hole at times, that is suddenly hit with light, when the door does open, and I feel blind an dout of place, if I step out. Maybe it’s just me being parinoid, or scared, but it is the honest feelings I get these days.
Life shall go on, for as long as it does is all I can say. For me it has become a lonely one, and i guess at some point I did something to deserve it. yet I do not know what that may be. we live the circumstances we are handed daily and we go thru the motions we need to survive is all, as I see it. I hope that makes sense, to me it does at least.
I write these blogs out, and it is for my own purpose of course, to try to understand where i am in life. And to try to figure out, why, and how to make it better for myself. What I fail to do is to find the solution to it all. so, it is a struggle and a fight, at the sametime to survive an dkeep moving on. Widowerhood is no fun for sure. You end up remembering, reminicing, and in the end comparing what you had to what you see, and that is unjust to tjose out there, who are single and looking themselves. No one deserves that for sure. So, I don’t do it to people in general and never would.
Living here in westborough in a 55 plus community is like a gilded Peyton Place to me. You carefully walk or move, you try to keep out of people’s business but you are watched and talked about anyway. It is a rough place to live for many of us. we won’t admit it, because we thought it was what we needed when we bought in. So we adjust the best we can, and we squeek by each day, lonely and getting more depressed and isolated. Life is in someways cruel is it not, for you start off alone, when born and it seems you go the full cycle and end up alone near the end.
The cycle involves, birth, and relationships, loves and losses, and in the end, we run short of all. Which leads us to ending process to complete the cycle of returning to from whence we came so to say. What is that old saying, from dust to dust, well here it is. The purpose of being here on the planet begins to disappear for you, as you age and isolate. So, your mind wanders and you hope the pain and suffering of physical type goes away, and the mental type eases, so the emotional type can’t harm you no more. I know, I sound like I am rambling, but, facts are facts and no one can escape them, can we?
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