July 1st, 2023, almost two years after my wife passed from her cancer, and I am still recieving certified letters from the lawyer who handled our trust. I get documents they have and need me to keep. August 10th, 2021 is when my wife passed, and the anniversary is coming up soon enough. I think about her always, and miss her dearly. I know she will never come back, and I also know I have to go on without her, yet it stays with me. The memories come back and I smile at some, memories are what make life and rememberances worth while.
I will be home alone for the 4th of July as I usually am, I know nothing about the area I live in and no matter how many time I take a ride to look around there really is not much to do. I took up bowling for a while until I pulled my back and had to stop for a while now. I also play billards with some of the people here in the 55 plus condos I live in, at the Clubhouse. I walk a lot here and at malls when I can. I am not a drinker, so hanging in Taverns and Bars and drinking does nothing for me. I don’t do drugs either so, I basically mind my own business. I talk to neighbors who live here when I walk, but, I am not big on crowds at all, I avoid them. Life goes on day by day and I just do the same things each day.
Walking is one, chatting on computers is another, reading and puzzle building if I am up to it, I also have an X-box, but it gets on my nerves so I stop playing it. Life is boring here at Dell Webb, Chauncy Lake. I think I made a mistake buying here, for it feels like a place those over 55 come to die in, at least to me. Old people walking their dogs is entertainment half the time lol. If my wife who passed could see me now, she would be mad as hell. Yet not much I can do.
At some point, I should get back to writing, but I can’t find the motovation to do so now a days. I can’t find a point in making up stories or poems anymore. I believe what I am going through is actually a type of depression. I hide from people and some here are now calling me the drifter for all I do is walk and walk more. Believe me when I say this, loneliness is bad and a syndrome and it can and will kill, I really think so. I have seen people and known people who committed suicide at younger ages than I. And I have seen others do it in their 50’s. I have watched my Grandfather die of cancer, my father, my mother and my step-father too. I have now witnessed and watched my second wife go from it too. I have had lung cancer myself and I don’t know how I got lucky and survived it, but I did. Now, I think, the biggest danger for me isn’t cancer, it isn’t illness of a physical nature, it may well be the loneliness syndrome and depression. It is not easy to fight it, under the circumstances I have currently. I miss the companionship, the connection, the caring, sharing, and more I had with my wife. I don’t know how to face a dating scene done online sites, or the woke movement that exists these days. There are no single’s groups, or single’s dances near me, either. I am lost in a world I do not understand, and have no idea what to do these days.
So as someone told me today, I drift, I walk, and get called a drifter! How long I drift, alone and survive I do not know, I do have days I think of just surrendering and ending it all. I work overtime, to avoid the depression. It gets harder each day for me. But I drift!
Macattack56's Blog 