Hello world, as the world prepares here in America to celebrate Thanksgiving and heads towards the Christmas Holiday Season and New Year, I won’t be celebrating any of them. When your a widower, 67 years old and alone, there is no sense in celebrating them and spending money for people you never see, or talk to. Plus at 67, you learn the holiday season is just a money making season for stores. The only person I would buy for on the Holidays was my wife who passed in 2021. Otherwise she would make me buy for her daughter and her grandkids, and her family. As to my family, never been that close to any of them and when I did buy for them, it was to go along with what my wife wanted me to do. I don’t want coffee cups or key chains, or shirts, or gloves and hats I have them. And I definitely do not decorate or bother to. I stay off the roads as much as possible and at 67, I don’t care who likes me or don’t anymore. I go day by day, and do only what I need to do, I walk, I build puzzles, I read, I write, and watch tv. I shop for groceries, or whatI need period. I go to Doctors and medical tests when ordered and in the end dentist too. Reality tells me it is worthless to spend money I don’t have, and to travel to places I really do not wish to be. I wish my wife was here, is all and she has now been gone since August 10th, 2021. I avoid crowds, in all possible ways, I tend to cringe around too many people.
I have spent too many holidays sitting in the back of a room, listening to others laugh and chat or complain, and recieving bullshit presents I don’t need and throw away, anyway. Christmas Decorations are now going up in October, it is too commercial and too silly, for reality. I have had and done my holidays, I cooked for Thanksgivings, and decorated for Xmas for my deceased wife, not for me. Alone, I can care less.
I moved into a 55 plus community in March of 2022, and have been alone since. I see people rushing to and fro and doing all the events they can get into here in the community, I stay home. I don’t knock what they are doing, but I have come to realize I don’t really fit in here. The community is 55 and up, and it is slow, boring and I get depressed living here. Depression is a state I live in these days, I look at things and go so what, doesn’t mean anything to me. I have surrendered to some plain facts I am facing.
I am old, and getting older daily. My back is bad, my eyes are going, and my inners are not good anymore. I live on coffee and junk food mostly, eating a decent meal maybe once a day. I do my own cleaning and laundry and drive only as needed. I walk for exercise is all, and avoid people as much as possible. People can be rude, uncaring, and unintelligent at times, plus, I avoid any involvement in relationships. I believe I am at the stage now, where I know, I moved here to live out the end of my life, is all. I accept the coming fate and destiny, I face daily. Some people will say, I should never give up, but, when you have nothing really left to live for, you don’t live each day, you exist and hope for that to end as soon as possible. Existence is not living, just because you open your eyes daily and crawl out of a bed, doesn’t mean you are living, it mean you exist period. I have had a decent life and believe me, I have thought many times, of just ending it. Suicide is a thought I have entertained more then a few times, I just haven’t done so, as of yet. I have faced many things in life that, I have disliked, not enjoyed, been hurt by, and kept going. Yet, as time goes on, I have no purpose in being here, in my opinion. When you lose the only person you cared for and about, and have to go on alone, well this is how you begin to feel like. It’s ok though, I know when I do pass, I will not be missed by anyone, I will be taken care of I am sure by a family member , creamated and put to rest next to my wife I miss so much. I am fine with that, and if the family member will not do it, the United States Government will, for I am a Disabled Vet and they have already approved a grave site for me. So one way or another, I shall be buried properly.
What ever I have as to money or belongings, wil be given to the only person, I have as a relative, in anyway. Other than that I believe I have prepared things in a proper way. Destiny and Fate run hand and hand and we control neither of them, they control us. I have always been a firm believer that, we are brought upon this planet at birth for missions we do not know or understand fully. as we complete them one by one, we get one more step closer to returning to where we came from. we know not what missions or mission we are here to complete, yet we do complete them, we are recalled, to that from whence we have come. We don’t know exactly what we are here to complete or get done, for we are not allowed to know. Yet, it does happen. So, if we are smart enough, we prepare and accept it all.
I don’t want pity, and I don’t need help, I am fine with all of the above. I don’t need people calling police or doctors or mental health experts. I just state the facts, and as my deceased told her daughter, about one year before she passed, I am a realist, I will be fine. We look down upon the planet we stand and sit and walk on, and see the ant crawling below us daily. They scurry to and from and do the tasks they must complete. we humans are much the same in many ways. We scurry upon the globe we call the earth doing our things too. So, when we complete tjhem we get recalled, as i said. So, I know I am prepared for it all.
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