December 1st, 2023, clear skies outside and was 26 degrees when I awoke at 6:00 am. It’s a friday folks and for most it is the end of a work week and the beggining of the weekend when the work day is done. It is now past Thanksgiving and Christmas lights began before the turkey day came by. I never have looked forward to the holiday season, because it only depresses me, I am alone and when my wife was alive we would prepare together for all of it. Now I have no reason, to do any of it, the decorating, the present buying, the wrapping all just reminds me of her. So I stay to myself and hide in my 596 square foot condo I call my cell. I am old so, I guess, being 67, and with no one to share, anything or to converse with, gets to one for sure. I may be a member of the loneliness syndrome that is in America these days, and I believe there is no way out of it at my age.
As December starts today, I find myself, scarred to venture out to find anyone to be with. Age is one factor for sure, and then you add in the missing of my deceased wife and the life we lived for 28 years and wala, it’s just depresses me, to think she is gone. I miss the warmth of her near me, the touch of her hand and smile, I miss her laughter and her style. I miss the quiet moments and the caring and sharing times, and I think back and talk to her in my mind. I find myself staring at her picture, and talking to her, like she is still here. Even though I know she has been gone for over 2 years. Am I crazy or losing it, I do not know, but, I am alone and no place to go.
I find myself at times just laying around and suddenly I wake up after laying down. I stare at a tv, or out my windows, and watch people going to and fro, and I still know, I have no where or one with whuch to go. I am like a Grumpy Old Man from that old movie, shuttling back and forth to stores and Doctors and Dentists, is all I do. I say hello to people as I go by, smile and laugh and talk like I am a happy guy. Under it all, I just do it to, get back to my condo cell, to be true. I feel out of place, like I do not belong, knowing nothing will happen and no love will come along. You can’t find someone to share life with, if your anxieties and fears stop you and shit. You can’t get pass the memories you see, and fear you will lose again, so you stay free. grief gets you down and you struggle on through, knowing each day is taking more out of you. The struggle to just wake up is one thing, the struggle to try to do anything. I try to walk when I can for air and exercise you see, but even now that energy is leaving me. I don’t have the motivation to be or do anymore, without her with me. The pain is inside the tears I do cry, eat away at me. I hide them from all I pass by, I smile and laugh and sometimes I sigh, yet inside my spirit hurts so, and I know I shall never be whole.
So I write these days on these blogs you see, just to express what is inside me. The pain and loneliness, have a hold on me. I can’t escape it don’t you see. I avoid everyone I can, I refuse to be a burden or impose on any woman or man. I know I am far from perfect you see, I see all my flaws in me, I know I can be rude and crude, and mean, at times you see, I know I am not a pretty man to see. My age is showing each day more and more, my face is old and I am sore. I know I am old and grey, I guess I know I shall die someday. We all know we can not be here on earth forever you see, and I wonder how soon, God shall come for me. Will it be in daylight, or will it be at night, will I feel it hit me, or or not I think, then I think, it won’t matter you see, for no one here, will ever miss me.
When I was young, I used to run, the air in my hair and do so for fun. Now, I walk at a slow pace, and know I am slowly losing life’s race. I don’t worry any more about dying, I only care to stop crying. I find myself praying to join my wife, in the place they call the after life. All is arranged, in all ways I can, to join her in the eternal sleep and grave, we shall share. Instructions are written to place me with her, I hope it will happen, the way I request, for eternity is forever you see, and with her is where I want to be. My eyes water up, the tears do form, even as I wtite this and I go on. I think no matter where I go, or what I do, I shall always be missing her, every moment I live. For she gave me so much love and the will to live.
So as I face the December of my life, I know now, I miss my wife. December is the darkess time, of cold and winter and memories in my mind. The Holiday Season for many is Joy and Happiness and it was once for me. But now without her, it all depresses me. So I hide and stay far away, from all around me each day, I do not wish to drag anyone down, or impose or be a burden to those around. I know, for me, I could not bear, harming, hurting or dragging anyone down, so I stay alone and just watch all go by, all around. Welcome to December all, I hope your Holidays are a ball ! Be well, be happy, after all !
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