Sunday December 17th, 2023, began fro me at 4:30 am. Sleep is not something that seems to be in store for me. I sleep about 4 and a half to 6 hours a night is it. It is hard to sleep, when you really don’t do much, to get tired or you lay down and watch tv and fall asleep during the day. If i want to sleep or catch up on sleep, I have to walk or find other things to do, during the day, and force myself to stay awake. I know insominia is bad for people, and it brings us closer to death when it does happen, for along period of time. Just a medical fact.
I find myself, not finding the energy or interest to do much anymore. I walk is all and watch television a lot, read a little and keep to myself. Before my wife passed in August 2021, I had someone to interact with, someone to care for, and someone to do for, now all I have is me. A 596 square foot condo, is just a cage to hide in these days, and, nothing more. It provides for a roof over my head, a place to cook when I want to, a place to watch tv, do laundry and shower is all. Cleaning it now and then as needed, because all that is here is me, is not much really. I do the necessities of course, but, overall, it is boring.
As we age, we come to realize we get set in our ways, and we do not like changing much. We get set in patterns and in my case, it is honestly true. I have basically gave up, trying to reach out, or go out alone, it is boring, people don’t deal with the elderly well and the older you get they shun you. I wish, I was more of an extrovert than I am, because at least then I could talk to others easier. I was never a social butterfly, or someone who meets others easily. I think extroverts are lucky, and they do better than I ever will socially. I stay to myself, out of fear, anxieties, and the inability to interact can kill. Some people can handle the alone time and like it, yet even they ultimately find a way to interact with others, I don’t. I stay alone, and it will probaly get to me sooner than later. Never have been a ladies man either, I can count the women I have been with at 67 going on 68 years old, on one hand. Yet, I have had two marriages, two children, don’t ask me how.
I grow older, I grow more isolated daily, coming out only for certain purposes. I come out to walk, or to go to doctors or dentists, or to shop as needed. I am not a church goer, I don’t drink, so bars are no good for me. I bowled for a while but than that died out due to my back injuries, I play pool once a week is all. I read as I can when I can, I play X-Box now and then and even that I stopped out of boredom. I sit and stare at a TV Screen daily, watching repeats or movies, but, mostly sports, The NFL and NBA keep me going really. News is boring, sad and depressing these days, wars here and there, hostages taken, people killed in wars is all you hear about, nothing positive really. Being 67, soon to be 68 is no fun, and I doubt if there will ever be anymore fun in life for me. Existing is not living, if you have no interaction with others, you have no real life. It’s just a fact is all.
To answer the questions some will ask, like, you sound suicidial at times are you ok? The truth is no, but I push on, puttering through the normal everyday, things we all do. Some will ask, Doctors I am sure, have I ever though of committing suicide, yes, many times. What stops me, is only the fear of what is on the other side, while at other times, the draw to go, is my wife has proceeeded me and I miss her dearly and wish she was here, with me again. The American society as I see it, is not kind to it’s elderly and senior citizens and when you lose a long time spouse you loved dearly, there is a draw to want to join the, out of pure depressiona nd loneliness, period.
Many have said, I should get up go do things, go to bars, go to shows,concerts, games anything to keep busy, but I don’t. I can’t find the motovation to do such things and i do not have a drive for them. I avoid people and crowds, I lack social skills others my age and older have. I look at myself and see a old, coot of a man, not pretty to look at, and getting older by the day. I really do resemble one of those Grumpy Old Men from that old movie, that starred Jack Lemon and Walter Matheu. I putter day by day, alone, and I ask no one for help and never will, I will never impose on anyone, nor will I ever be a burden to anyone, I refuse to do that. As I age, slowly I have come to accept the fact that, my time shall come soon enough. I don’t really fear death, why, because I know it is a natural occurrence that we all face. It’s just a matter of how soon and under what circumstance I go. I just want to go peaceful is all, I don’t want to feel it.
I believe honestly, I did the right things in my life, as I lived it. I helped my parents, my siblings, my friends, and did the best I could. I served my country for 16 years also. I have had a life that is decent I believe, yet, in the end, far from perfect. I have made my mistakes as any man or woman has. Some choices were wrong, others were right, it is a natural occurrence when you live a life. We learn as we go, is what I say, and we always use our experiences of the past to adjust in the present and look ahead to the future. It’s called life folks we all go through it.
I have always and will always have a firm belief, that, we are born and brought into theworld fora purpose and that purpose is the mission or missions we were sent here to complete, that we really do not know. Yet when we finally complete the mission we are sent here for, we get recalled to the place from whence we came. Some of us head to heaven, some of us to hell and the way I see it, the earth welive on is actually, our in between or purgatory, we must live through. But, I will say this, each of us have our own beliefs on this subject for sure. I would never doubt what your belief may be or how you feel about it, I only know how I feel and what my thoughts are on it.
I know, when I go, I did all I could to help others in my own way. And my legacy will be my blogs, my stories and my poems, my daughters, my grandchildren will be fine. I just hope when I pass, no one will cry over me, and that I never adversly affect anyone’s life, while I live.
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