The last Christmas, I had with my wife, I took her to her daughters and sat in the background as she talked, and chatted with her ex-husband’s widow and her own daughter and her grandkids. I sat in the livingroom on the couch, and played video games on my cell phone is all. The same took place when we went to her sister’s across the state from where we lived in Connecticut, for the 28 years I was with her. On Christmas Eve I would go to my sisters and exchange presents with her and her man. Watch a movie and pack it in and go home. So Holidays to me, never were fun and never will be, but, since she passed in 2021, I find it hard to celebrate at all.
It has now been 28 months since she passed from cancer and I hospiced her. I worked overtime, selling all I owned when she passed, and sold the home we had also. I moved north to Massachusetts, and bought a condo up here. I thought it wasa good iswa because i would be closer to my sister. Yet, that changed fast, once she found a new man in her life and moved away. I have been alone now for a pretty good amount of time, no one to really talk to, or be with, just me. I play billards oncea week with some people here at the condos I live in on Monday evenings. Other than that, I am alone, and walk, or read, build puzzles and watch television or movies as I go. I walk a mall near me some days, just to get out of my condo for a while. I shop for food as needed and go to doctors or dentists is all, otherwise. Meeting someone is not apossibility for me, as far as romance goes, because i do not like bars or taverns, so I stay home. At 67 going on 68 I have no plans to join a gym either. So at times, I wonder what I can do, to keep going, day, by day. As I see it, I would go stir crazy if it were not for the NFL, NBA, on tv, or the Billards Club on Monday evenings once a week.
I don’t do resturants on my own, some people do, but, alone is uncomfortable for me. I tried doing breakfast alone this past week and ended up eating, alone and basically coming home. I find the people in Westborough, Mass here, very cold toward people my age. Ageism in modern america is a large factor, but, it seems even more so here. I am not sure, anyway, if I am able to handle it, if i did meet someone. I shy away and avoid talking to most, I am very aware of my age, and know most women are married and taken, in my age group. Finding a woman in my age range is impossible here in Westborough, Mass. all are younger or married it seems, or I have no idea where to find any to meet and talk to. I am lost in attempting it. When you were married for 28 years, you get set in your ways, and the whole dating scene has changed to, dating sites anyway. It’s a different world out there for sure. Dating sites cost money and most don’t work anyway, women are scarred in todays society and personally, I am too.
So my Christmas will be one alone, at home, reading, watching tv, walking, building a puzzle and playing either video games or writing blogs like this one. New Year’s wil be the same too, there are going to be events at the clubhouse here where i live in my condos, but I do not attend them, for I feel out of place and strange when I do. It’s very uncomfortable for me, so I stay home alone. I am very aware of my age, my lack of looks and that many don’t like me here. So, I am better off alone. Whether i can keep going alone is the only question I face, and for how long I can last. There are times when I get depressed feel alone, and down, and think about what to do, I have even thought of ending it and joining my wife. Yet at the moments and times those thoughts hit me, I seem to be able to pass through it and survive. I know I am facing the hardest part of the year for me, right now, these Holidays. The hardest time is now upon me the final days of 2023 and New Years Day. I have to mak eit through alone now, and it will bea struggle. I will keep day by day, thinking one thing, survive.
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