Being a widower, when my wife passed in August of 2021, it was hard to bury her and move on. Many of us go through it, whether we are widowers or widows and we all know the pain it causes us. We come up lost, and lonely and searching after a while, for a way to continue on, some of us, just go on dating sites, or start attending events for things to do and hope, usually beyond hope that we meet someone else. In the end though, it doesn’t work for all, who go through it. Many of us, give up after failing numerous times and end up, getting used to living alone. We go to a mode of living day by day and trying to stay alive and survive on our own. It’s normal, ask any person or Doctor, or Grief Counsular. No one says it is easy to do, because it isn’t, you may, run into something, or someone, who makes you remember the one you lost, and that drives depression and sadness. Then you have to regroup, pull yourself together once more and continue on anyway, for you have no choice, for your still alive and here.
I made a choice when my wife passed from breast cancer in August of 2021, to sell the home we shared and choose to move to a 55 plus community, figuring, it would be more accepting of me and easier to get along in and people would understand and give me leeway, while I grieved and carried on. Of course, after moving to the 55 plus community, I attempted a few times to associate with those who live here too, yet, I believe I failed at it, in someway.
The community I live in, tries to create events, parties and clubs for those who live here to participate in and for social interaction. While the events I have seen, have been well put together and many enjoy them, when I attend one, I feel out of place, lost and lonely and walk away. I gave up on the events, because I honestly, do not feel like I fit in at all. I am not a social butterfly of any sort, and I avoid big groups and always have. Then, there are groups or clubs put together, that people start that many like to do. There are art clubs, card games, board games, billards and bowling, at least there was at one time. While I like billards and play weekly, bowling changed after the first year, as to date and time, so I don’t attend that anymore. I try to do the Mexican Train Dominos club for fun, and I used to do it twice a week, but, I now only do it once a week, because I was told, I do not play by the rules, I called someone by a nickname instead of their real name and they didn’t like it, and I was breaking people’s concentration during the game. Now, all I wanted to do was be friendly, play the game and try to enjoy it, instead, I now only do that one time a week. I never intended to disturb the game, or break anyone’s concentration, or not play by the rules of said game, but, it is what I was told I did wrong. So, I stopped going to that group and game on the day and at the time, it happened, so I do not anger, upset, distract, or break anyone’s concentration, that is my way of toning it down, so to say. Plus, the way I felt was simple, I was disturbing the group, and I would never do so intentionally.
So, living in a 55 plus community, for me is lonely, boring and maybe not for me. I have thought about it many times as I sit alone in my condo, reading or watching tv, or as I walk the grounds. I thought at first of selling and leaving the community, yet, at 68 years old and already invested in the property, I do not want to go through that process. I am a disabled veteran, with 6 herniated discs in my spine, PTSD from childhood and military life. I just want to get along with all and enjoy, the best I can.
I live alone as I said, my family that I do have, lives elsewhere and is busy, doing their thing. I never have been a social butterfly and frankly, I am not always politically correct. I am an ex-sailor and military man who served 16 years. Some say, get a pet, sorry, I don’t want a dog or a cat for that matter, they cost too much to care for. Limited budget, is what I live on, so I try to read, write, watch TV, or walk alot. Now and then when I am up to it, I may go fishing just for something to do. But, overall, I find living in this 55 plus community boring and I isolate myself on purpose, for fear of disturbing, angering or upsetting people.
I do not do good in large crowds, and most people do not like me, I am not a winning, fun, entertaining personality. I have no intention of changing who I am either. I shouldn’t have to, is my belief. No I am not religious either, so churches would fall down on my head, if I entered one. So, I have to wonder, what do I do next ? I can only wonder, and wait and see what happens next for me !
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