So, that is what I do now a days.

Many have asked me, why I do not get out more, or get involved in events, or clubs here in the 55 plus community I live in. Originally, it was a a matter of being uncomfortable in large crowds, not being anti-social or as some have called me a drifter or loner. So, since some here in the 55 plus community have asked this question, I figure I should explain it, some.

1. I was born with hyperactivity and attention deficiet disorder, but back in the days when I was young they called it emotional problems. So, I overreact sometimes and other times, under react.
2. Secondly, I suffer from childhood PTSD and Military PTSD, I avoid large crowds also.
3. Depression is apart of me, since my wife passed and I sometimes feel it.

Since my wife passed in 2021, on August 10th, I have stayed to myself and away from people in general, avoided women and again, crowds of any kind. I am uncomfortable under those circumstances, I feel crowded, and that I do not fit in period. I know many will read this and go, he’s just whinning, that is not the case. Just because a person is able to laugh, or smile, and doesn’t look like they are disturbed or upset, does not mean they are not upset. When you grow up as I did, and if you lived the life I have you learned to hide it all well.

Now, I thought after my wife passed, the best thing to do, was to move to a 55 plus community and try to get to know some people and get involved in clubs or groups or events. here in the community. I thought it would be easy to attend some events, be part of a club or two, and slowly, get to know people, and fit in. For me it has been the complete opposite of what I expected.

I have lived here now, since March of 2022, I tried attending a few events, but felt completely out of place. I talk to very few people here. The events are well planned for all to attend, so it is not them, it is me, I feel I don’t really fit in when at them.

I did bowling for a while with a group that was started here, and it was fun for a season. Then suddenly, the day of the week and time was changed and people stopped attending and going to it. I do, play billards on Monday evenings in the clubhouse, but, when the crowd gets too large, I tend to back away, and leave. So, what do I do, is the real question ? Well, some may see me walking when I am up to it, I walk a lot when feeling ok. I read books, I write poetry, stories, or blogs and stay home. When, I am feeling up to it, I may sit in the clubhouse alone, and use my cell phone, to play games. I know many will say the explanation is bullshit or I am just looking for attention, but, that is far from the case. I care not about attention, or praise, I am just me, I have never changed since my childhood. Did ya ever know that kid, who would always be alone, who roamed the woods, or never got involved in much, well that’s me. I guess I have enough experience of being the outcast or alone, that it is now a habit and a part of me.

Some will say, well, you were married twice, two wives, two kids, how did you do that ? I didn’t really my wives did lol ! They met me both under different circumstances, but, they choose me first. I can honestly say, I can count the women in my life on one hand, as far as relationships go, that does not include my mother or my sister. My first marriage went 12 years and my second 28 years, so I must have done something right, but don’t ask me what, lol !

Now at 68 years old, I find myself in this 55 plus community, locked in my 956 square foot condo, on the fourth floor, and leaving it just to go to Doctors, Dentists, or Shopping basically. Some will say, well your lucky you have a nice condo, but how nice is a 956 square foot place, when you look at it like a prison cell, you stay locked up in?

When I attempted to attend events, I felt out of place, then I was encouraged by some to join some groups and have fun, like all the rest. Well, when I did, I was told, first to tone it down, then that I wasn’t playing the game correctly and I called someone by a nickname and they didn’t like it. Hit me with one of those and I get Shakey, hit me with three at one time, well feel like I struck out and won’t come back again. Ok, some will say, oh, you can’t be that thin skinned, don’t let it bother you, sorry but it does. People tend not to realize, what problems others may have, whether physical, or mental or emotional. They just think, well it was a constructive conversation, and they didn’t intend to stop me from attending, but they did. What stops me from returning is simple, fear of harming someone else or disturbing the game or party, or upsetting someone who is there to have a good time. I know, many think I am crazy for saying, but, it’s true, I didn’t attempt to join the group, to break anyone’s concentration, or to not play by the rules or to hurt someone else’s feelings. It was my attempt at trying to be social and friendly is all and I apologize if I did wrong or harmed anyone, or interferred in the group’s fun.

So if you tell me to tone it down, or that I hurt someone’s feelings, or disturbed your game, my solution is simple, I don’t attend anymore. That way you have none of the above reasons to blame me for anything. Simple, it is all quiet for all involved and I am not disturbing anything anymore. You win, simple . Simple explanations, for simple things, and that explains why I do not get socially involved in this community. Add to the facts above, it is like Peyton Place here and everyone pays attention to anything you do or not do and talk abounds. I was taught as child, you want no one knowing your business and no one talking about you, so don’t talk about anyone else. Stay the straight road, and treat others as they treat you and respect your elders. Manners count, ethics count, morals count too. What can I say ?

For those who suggest, I go out to bars or taverns or drink, sorry, I hate alcohol and people in these places get angry easy. I tried that scene on my own in many bars here in Westborough, too many angry folks out there for me. I tried the library, I tried book stores and malls, too. People are not friendly around here in my book. As my step-father told me growing up, you can only bang your head against the wall so long, then, you have to stop and walk either away from it or around it ! So, that is what I do now a days.