“I am me, who else can I be?”

Welcome to November 23rd, 2024. Here in Westborough, Mass. the weather is wet, rainy and dank, the temperature is 41 degrees currently. A new day begins for me and I can’t change the past, only thing to do is go forward. It should be the same for each human being out there today.

Growing up, I always wanted to be older, to be able to do, all the things adults did. I would watch my parents, smoke and want to do it too, I would watch dad drink and want to too. What I learned later when I got old enough, was both habits were crutches, being used to get by. I would watch mom spend money, and watch her leave us alone at home and her friends were more important than her husband or us kids. It was a crazy world to grow up in. We saw physical violence, we saw emotional violence and suffering between both parents. I would sit as I grew up and go what the hell were they still doing together?

Then as I grew, I learned, I had to protect myself from the violence and my siblings too. The violence was our dad’s way, of not knowing what to do. It was passed onto to one of his sons, and he would attack his younger sister and brother, and I stood between him and them, protecting them. After I finally spent most of my childhood doing that and helping dad rebuild the old house they bought, I finally got out. But, not without emotional damage and physical punishment. I was beaten by dad, hated by mom, but I survived.

I went on to join the Military, first the army, then the National Guard and finally the Navy. I learned to defend myself, but I was never and still am not a violent person. I was never Mr. competitive either like my older brother. As life went on, I was married twice, divorced once, and had two daughters I barely know. I have four grandchildren states away from me, and now my wife has passed and I am alone once more. The first marriage I had was 12 years and two daughters, the second 28 years and now I am a widower. Don’t ask me how?

I was never a social butterfly type, I was never the lovable one, or the most liked. I was always the most misunderstood one, I would get comments like I don’t get you all the time. Yet, I would help others, always and stay to myself. I would learn as I grew, I had my own difficulties to overcome. I had hyper-activity and attention deficient disorder. And I had to learn to control both and did over time. I grew up a loner, wandering the woods, on my own mostly as a child. My mother tried to give me away three times in two years and failed. I ended up back home, after the state told her they were going to send me to my real father. She didn’t want me going there. In the end, I always carried on, helped dad rebuild the home, took care of my siblings as long as I could and, than moved on in life. As a husband and a father I tried to care for my wives and children the best I could of course. even to the point of my own, lost and pain. I lived in YMCAs, for a few years.

In the end, the past is the past and there is no way to change what is gone. I can’t change any mistakes I may, have made. But, I know I never intentionally hurt anyone. So, now with the passing of my second wife, over three years ago, I find myself alone once more. And I refuse to be a burden on anyone, or impose on anyone.

I know I have made mistakes, who hasn’t in life? I am not perfect no one is that’s for sure. We all have our ups and downs. Now, I believe I am on my final leg of life’s journey. AT 68 going on 69, I have seen the world, met all kinds of people, I am not a popular person, but I am decent to all. So, what do I do now, being alone once more?

I live alone in a 956 square foot condo, I call my cage. I keep to myself mostly and try to navigate just to get along, with others. Living in a 55 plus community, you learn to mind your own and carry-on. So that is what I do. I have also come to the decision that this is it for me. I won’t move again and this is where it all comes to an end. We all reach a stage where all we want is peace, quiet, and to slowly fade in comfort. I am there now. I don’t go drinking never did. I don’t go to parties or events, I never have. I am not the guy who goes and makes people laugh, I am not the guy with all the answers. I am not the pretty boy, women chase, nor am I thought of as brilliant or fast paced. Some laugh at me and go I don’t get you. That’s ok, too, I can live with it. I have one thing to say regarding that, “I am me, who else can I be?” As I told one person, I don’t disturb you, don’t disturb me, if ya don’t like me fine! That’s life folks!

At least when I lay my head down each night and go to sleep, I know I didn’t hurt anyone purposely, I didn’t cause anyone bodily harm or emotional distress. I tried to make it all, easier for all around me, no matter what happened to me, personally. And that is what counts to me. We all can be sarcastic at times, some of us more than others. Some can be judgmental, for me, I try not to be or do either. Someone doesn’t like me, I let em be, I don’t like someone I avoid em. Self-preservation is all it is. I avoid conflicts, fights and arguments too. Life is too short for that. When you get older, you realize, the battles are done with, you are who you are, and you accept it.