Apologies are needed. Like most my age, I am set in my ways at times, and do things wrong, I make mistakes and errors, so like everyone else I am far from perfect. As 2024, slides towards it’s end, I think back over time and some of the things I may have said or did that were foolish, idiotic and just stupid. being honest about this, there have a been more than a few in my lifetime and even in the 3 years I have lived here, in Westborough, Ma.
If I have offended, or hurt anyone in anyway, please accept my apology. I do have my problems and I am not always a socially aware person, nor am I always socially acceptable to all. It stems back to my childhood actually, and it is hard to fight against, when it is instilled from your youth.
Never was a social type person, even as a child, I would not stay around people long. I ran for the woods, I hid there, exploring life, and animals and the surroundings. I came home only when hungry or tired. Now some, who know me today, have said I am a loner, a wanderer, some say I am strange and they don’t understand me at times. I laugh it off a lot, but, they are probably correct, in their assessment of me.
Is there a reason for all of that, well, I don’t know, if it is a reason, but I can tell you what causes it mostly. #1) I have had Hyper-activity and Attention Deficit Disorder, from birth. So at times I do inappropriate things and say things I should not. It’s one of the things, that has always been misunderstood regarding me. As a child, I was so bad, I had trouble in school and at home. I just couldn’t handle it all it seems. By, the time I hit fourth grade I was in so much trouble and at home too, my mother decided to call in the State Welfare Department for help. A year later she signed me over to the State and I was put away in an institution for what the State called Emotionally disturbed children. I would remain there for two years, until I fought to go back home. During that time, my mother tried to give me away at least three times. Twice to Foster Couples, and the third time, the State called her and told her, we are offering your ex-husband his father a chance to take him. That didn’t work either, simply put, my mother went crazy over it. In the end it would take a message I put on a dictaphone belt, in the Social Workers office to get me back home. It worked anyway, I was home again within a month, after that.
I had numerous confrontations with my mother over my wanting to meet my father. She would tell me I was just like him, a bum, a penny pitching bum, no good for nothing. I fought back all my years I can remember from age 5 to 18, over it. What bothered me more than what she said, was simple, if he was so bad, why did she keep all the old photos of him? She never answered that one.
At 18, I hopped a greyhound bus in CT and went to New Jersey to meet my father, without my mother knowing. I met the man face to face in his parents home, and with his sister present. I believed it went well, for I was invited back, in the future and even met his second wife and his seven other kids. I was content, after that for I knew it was just my mother’s anger when she spoke of him. But, Mom, well she was never one to leave things alone. She found out I had met him and she went bonkers. The next thing I knew, I was in her car and we were on the road to New Jersey. The confrontation between my mother and my father , was like two pit bulls together, and he was the weaker of the two. Sadly, she walked all over him. By the time we were leaving, I was upset once more. My father was a man who was 6ft 2, and around 250 lbs. at the time and my mother was a whole 5ft 4 maybe 120 lbs. But, she had him shaking in his boots that day. In the end, before we left that night, I asked my father to step outside with me so I could talk to him. He agreed, so I told him, if he didn’t tell her to not come back and to leave him alone, he would never see me again. He looked at me and shook his head, that he understood. As we climbed in the car to leave, my father walked around the car to the drivers side and tapped on the window. The window rolled down and he told my mother, Don’t come back to New Jersey ever again, stay away or I will have you arrested. Then he walked around the car, and tapped on my window, he looked me in the eye and said, You are welcome to come back anytime you wish. That ended my mother’s control of my father or me. When he would die in 1984, from cancer and she got word, I was in the Navy. My sister told me how she cried over his death. See, just because your divorced, it doesn’t mean all the love that brought you together is gone.
I also have a lot of Military behaviors built into me over the years. I served three branches, Army, Army National Guard and US Navy. Did 16 years folks and I was injured on duty and discharged on a Medical Under Honorable Conditions. 6 Herniated discs later, PTSD from childhood and military life, I still survived. I know crazy right, but, you learn to deal with pain the best you can, and continue on.
I went on to marry a second time, I even went back to school, after I had to get a GED for the service, and did so at 37 years old. I graduated from College in 1997, and got an Associate Degree in Hotel Management. I am a member of two honor societies. My Grade point Average was 3.7 out of 4.0. I received two Awards also. So I did ok.
I watched for 16 years as my wife, suffered through breast cancer next. I would walk with her, talk with her, bring her to appointments and everywhere she needed to go. In 2013, she went into remission, fora while and when she did, we were happy till, the phone rang. My Doctor had found, I had Lung Cancer. So while she was in remission, I was laying on an operating table for 16 hours to have a lobe and one third of my right lung removed. My wife told my sister while they sat at the hospital, she didn’t think I would make it, but I did. In the end all I needed was a device to expand my lungs, for a while.
I watched when cancer hit my wife once more in 2019. Back to Chemo and radiation we went, week after week. We took the breaks they gave her, I stayed with her every step of the way, praying. In 2020, the doctors, stopped her chemo, it wasn’t working anymore. She elected to do Immunotherapy, like her first husband had done. That held her, till March 16th, 2021.
At 3 am she fell in the bathroom doorway and hit her head. From that night forward, it was all hospitals, tests, and rehabilitation centers and Nursing homes. i would drive to see her daily back and forth, and go home to an empty house each night, missing her. The last time she went to the hospital was when I found out as she lay there in bed, that the cancer had spread to her brain. She was sent from the hospital to the nursing home down the street from me. I visited daily, talking to her, watching tv with her, making sure she ate the best she could. On July 31st, I went to see her and she was trying to eat, and no one was feeding her. I fed her the best I could and then when she slept, I went to see the Administrator of the Nursing Home. I wanted to know why they were not feeding her. I got no decent reply so, I asked how much longer she had on her Medicare Insurance. The Administrator told me 3 days. I asked for Hospice to be brought in, and set her up to come home.
I fed her, got a nurse to help keep her clean, and kept her home. On August 10th, 2021, my wife passed in her own home, in her own time and place of choice. Since then, I have been trying to recover from the loss of her and haven’t made it back to who I am as of yet. Sorry to say, it hasn’t been a smooth recovery for me. I am trying, but, I am up and down at times, crying at times, and in between, just hanging on the best I can. Yes I am not perfect, I say things wrong, I do things wrong at times, I am human. If at anytime I did or said something wrong to anyone it was never intentional. All, I can do or say as, we close out 2024 and move on to 2025 is I am trying to be the best I know how to be. If I am hyper or don’t pay full attention or don’t seem to, please forgive me. I owe some apologies for things I have done or said, in 2024, this is me apologizing to all at once. Please accept it from me to each of you! Last but not least of course, I want to Wish all a Very Happy New Year, I hope 2025 brings lots of hope, love and joy to all !!!!
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