April 10th, 2025, time has rolled on for me it seems faster and longer than I have ever dreamed. I never thought I would live this long, I am now 69 and moving on. My life has always been pretty simple really, I have just found a way to just be me. I was never a hero, a big sports person, except for watching. I was never the world’s best romeo, or most handsome man. I was never the richest, or boldest either. What I always was is smart, logical, and in the end caring to those I cared for.
Most of those who grew up in my generation, had broken families, and had to figure how to survive and get along, or, had overbearing parents, who tried to mold them into what they wanted, them to be. Me, I bypassed most of that in my own way, why because i was always different they say. I fought the system, or molds they tried to make me be. I was Hyper-active, and never paid attention to much, I had Attention Deficiet Disorder too. No one knew what they were in the 1960’s when I was young, they figured it out years later in medicine, it seems. Yet I survived elementary school, survived being beaten on, and given away for two years to the state. I fought back and survived and in the end, ended up at home anyway.
In everyone’s life, no matter how bad we percieve ours to be, there is always it seems, in stories like mine, stabilizing factors. Factors no one understood about us, or how we survived, just that we did. For me, it was friends, over family. By my teen days I was the one forced to care for my younger siblings and I did the best I could. I also, was the one forced to help rebuild a home for us with my step-father. I learned a lot of course, but it took part of my childhood away, and the physical abuse, when he beat me formed my personality for years. Again I overcame, once away from him and our home and the family I grew up with. I had surregate families that helped raise me, guide me and watched over me. I escaped into their families, and got along better there then at home.
From my teen years on, I always had a female friend to help me through. Girlfriends not many believe me, I could count them on one hand or less. But, female friends were always around. Between 14 and 19, I had a total of two girlfriends period, sisters. Of course that didn’t work out, because, of me and my inability to pay attention to them fully. Yet, looking back, I am glad it didn’t, for they knew it, as much as I, that I didn’t fit. There was always a constant though, I always admired, and I always referred to as the one that got away. That story, is told elsewhere in my writings.
I believe in everyone’s life, whether you are male or female, we all look back over time as we age. We think about what could have been, should have been and what could have changed our course. What we don’t do, is go backwards, for we understand we are not the same as we were back then. It doesn’t change the fact, we remenice about it all, rethink it, and wonder what could have been better, if it happened.
The constant in my life has been either females entering and affecting my life at junctures, and making it better, before the next phase started. Then, there was the surragate mothers, and brothers I had overtime. They became the ones that guided me in someways, to better days. God Bless each of them, I say.
By, the time I had hit 21, I was a loner really, and lost and looking for my way once more. The Service would be my way. I would go Army first, then Army National Guard and finally Navy. Over those years I would meet my first wife and marry. We would have two of everything, including two daughters. As time went on, a sailor’s life is not very good for marriages, and when I finally, got discharged for back injuries, in 1989, it ended the first marriage. Again I found myself alone and staggering through life.
My second big relationship happened when my first one was ending and I was going through divorce. I met my second wife who was my biggest blessing in my life. We went 28 years together, no kids between us of course, but a long loving relationship, that ultimately was great. Sadly, my second wife suffered from breast cancer for 16 of those 28 years, through, Doctors, Chemo, Radiation and more, we would go though. I was always there, and she knew it. When she lost her battle finally, my world crashed. I had to find a way to go on. I am still searching for that today, it been four years come August. I stumble, I fumble over memories and tears, and try to carry on. I think I am doing ok though, for grieving takes time, and slowly,you adjust in your mind. You learn you are still here, and you have to live in the present, not the past. It’s a slow lesson that takes time and doesn’t happen fast.
Being a widower in your 60’s and heading to my 70’s is not easy. The world has changed, the dating scene is all different. Dating apps abound, it seems the rage of this age. I don’t fit it, it seems, I am not one to post fake pictures and fake profiles to attract someone. I don’t want to pay an app, to find someone to date, it cost money and half the time or better the profiles are not real. I guess, I just find it all, too impersonal and unrealistic for me.
Yet, in the end as i go forward now at 69, I have learned just to be me. Laugh, cry and talk when I can. Write, walk, and be my own man. Long ago, my friend who I won’t name, tried writting letters to women in magazines and I told him don’t bother. I told him the best thing to do is do you. Be yourself, work your job, do what you love to do, laugh and enjoy life. As you go along, someone will notice you. It worked he is married again and happy and the years have flown by for him. I only hope it stays that way. I can only be me, for who else can I be, is what, I always say. If you don’t like me fine, I don’t force myself on anyone, I am a burden to no one, don’t need to be. I am just me! In the end as time goes on, I have learned to live alone, care for myself, help who I can, when I can, and just be me. Thats the way life has to be!
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