July 21st, 2025 has begun folks. Time is moving faster the older I get it seems. It moves even faster, each day flies by, as I try, to stay healthy and keep going. There are times, I just feel like surrendering, and giving up, for each of us, have to havea reason to carry-on, or the alternative comes to be.
I had motivation to keep going for many years of my life, and at each period of my life, I seem to have done decently. As a child I was like a Rebell without a Cause, as a teenager I was more into helping my family and friend sin all they wanted done. as I aged into my 20’s I relaized that at some point I had to do something to help myself, so, I joined the military, to stop myself from flaying about in failure. I did, stop and get a GED Diploma, after dropping out of college, I knew I neded it to survive.
In the Military I found, structure, and interaction with fellow service members and basis’s for occupations. I became first a M-88 Tank retriver Driver and it sucked in the Army. When I left the Army, the job market was bad and declining so I went Army National Guard and became a Machine Gunner Scout. As I continued to struggle to survive, and ended up living in the YMCA in town, I became desperate and wasn’t sure what I could do next. So, I took a long deep breath and decided the Military was for me once more.
I entered the U.S. Navy in December of 1978. I became a Sailor who became an Engineer onboard ships. I was a Boiler Technichan, and I hated the job really, high heat, sweat, hard work, that was labor intensive. Constant drills, and long periods at sea, protecting America it was for me. I grew used to it after so many years, and it became a job that was steady. After, the first contract was ending I reinlisted twice more. By that time, I had, married and had two daughters at home. I needed the stability of the job and service, to keep myself inline. It worked for me at the time, and for my family at home too.
Then I was injuried aboard ship, when I fell down a steel ladder going into the Engineering spaces one day. I was picked up off the deck and shipped out to a Hospital in Germany. The U.S. Army General Hospital, admitted me and put me thru numerous tests, MRIs and Cat Scans, Physical Theraphy, before they got my back straight and me able to go back to full duty. The injury, would ultimately cause my discharge from the Navy, As one Navy Doctor put it, I was a Engineer, if I could not go back to sea, they would discharge me. Simple solution it seems to me. Once discharged things changed fast, I could not get a job, due to the injury, and the money dried up fast. At the same time so, did my first marriage. Not having the paycheck anymore and no way to pay the bills, we sold our home. Once that happened, it was over, really. Divorce hit and the life I had was finished I was on my own once more, alone.
I jumped from job to job, never happy. I struggled finacially. I eventually ended up in a small apartment in a basement, trying to survive once more. I was depressed and down and out. I decided one summer day to get off my ass, and go out and try something new. I went to a Singles Dance.
I met my second wife there, by asking her to dance. She saved me, in many ways. She took me in, and helped me straighten myself once more. I got with the Veteran’s Administration and they put me through College. I hit a High Mark as I got my Associates Degree in Hotel Managament. I ran Hotels for a short period of time and resturants, fast food for a bit. Then, my back acted up again, and I was determined to be Uemployable. I ended up on SSDI amd Veterans’ Disability. My wife and I stayed together no matter what, and we lasted 28 years.
As I helped her keep up the home we lived in, she worked. Then, we had o sell her big home and we did that and moved into a smaller model for us. It became a daily routine, I would take care of her and her me, as she worked and I handled the home and more. Then, things began to change again.
My wife fell ill, and off to Doctors we went. At first we thought it was temporary stuff. Then, a Doctor took blood tests on her and scans. We found she had Breast cancer, and the battle began. It would be 16 years worth of battle, testing, MRI’s, Cat Scans, Chemo and Radiation. A Brief break came when the cancer backed off for a bit. while she was in recession, I was hit with illness myself and diaganoised with lung cancer. As I went through my cancer my wife sat by, standing by me all the way and worried I would die. I survived it, and had a lobe and one third of my right lung removed. No Chemo, No radiation at all.
Then shortly after, my wife’s cancer stormed back. It went from breast cancer to blood cancer. The Chemo and Radiation trips were now, once a week for each. I would sit by as they hooked her up and pumped her full of it all, as she fought for her life. Each day was feeding her, and staying with her, and watching her. She was a tough woman, who knew what was happening to her, but she kept a positive attitude and kept going. I called her Miss Amazing to everyone I knew, she refused to give up.
Then, came 2020, the summer, her health had started to deterioate, that spring. She was weaker, slower and she just never said or complained of anything. Doctors, tests, scans, Chemo and Radiation weekly. she just kept steady and smiling the best she could. I would watch her daily and wonder how the hell is she doing it. Then one July day it began in the evening.
We were watching tv, and it became bedtime. I got up and told her lets go to bed. she said no, she was gonna stay in the recliner and sleep there. I tried to get her to come up stairs to sleep, she said no. So, I went to bed. At 3 am, I was awaken by a beating on the walls. I got up and ran downstairs, to find her on the floor in the bathroom doorway. she had gotten up in the middle of the night, to go to the bathroom and fell in the doorway and couldn’t get up.
I got her up and put her in a chair, then called an ambulance. Off to the Emergency Room we went. She has an egg on her head, and couldn’t walk. They examined her and admitted her that morning. It was the beggining of the end. I didn’t realize it yet of course, and she hid information from me.
After two months in a hospital bed, they released her to come home. I brought her home and she acted like nothing was wrong. I fed her each day, watched her and did all I could for her. Then, one night, we were watching TV, together, her in one recliner and myself in another. I looked up, and she had slumped to one side in her chair. I jumped up and asked her is she was ok and helped her try to sit up straight once more. she couldn’t do it. I propped her up with pillows and told her I was calling an ambulance, she argued and said no. I did it anyway, cause I knew she needed immediate help. Off we went once more to The emergency room and Hospital. It was the final run folks, I was hoping I was wrong, but, I could tell and she knew it.
Pills, chemo, radiation, and stuck in a hospital bed, she fought still. They treated her, then transferred her to a convalenscent home. I went daily to see her, one was in Hartford, a 50 minute ride away and daily I drove back and forth to sit with her, stay with her.
In the Hospital once more, back to the convalenscent home we went once more. It was to be the last time, I got her moved closer to our home. I would be with her daily, every chance I could or they would let me. We had hit the Covid Scare in America and I was limited in my visiting, due to it all.
Finally, it was the last week of July 2021. I went to be with her and keep her comfy as usual. I walked into her room, and she couldn’t feed herself anymore. I fed her, and she fell asleep shortly after. I got up and marched down to the Administrator’s office and asked her why no one fed my wife? The answer was, we only have so many nurses and we do the best we can. I finally had enough. I asked the Administrator when my wife’s Medicare ran out. she looked at me and said three days. I asked how much it would be, if she stayed. Three Hundred and Fifty Dollars a day was the answer. I knew we didn’t have those funds, and couldn’t afford it. I asked that Hospice be brought in to qualify her and bring her home for me to care for her.
Three days later she came home, and was set up in a bed in our dinning room. she was home and glad for that, but, she also knew what it meant. As the Hospice Nurse discussed her care with me and made me sign the DNR forms, she heard it all. When I fed her something and finished she asked me with her eyes closed if she was on a DNR, I told her yes, I was sorry, but had no choice. She understood.
I set up what I could to keep her going, and called my sister to come help. We had hit the final days now. I hired a Nurse to help care for her, worked with Hospice and my sister too. After ten days at home, I went in and saw her for the last time as she lay there. I bent down and kissed her forehead and told her I loved her. I told her to go ahead and join her parents and son and rest, and stop her pain. It was the last thing we said to one another, I love you. She passed at 5;35 pm that day, it was August 10th, 2025.
The next ten days, were a blur as I prepared for her burial and was lost in a daze of despair. We buried her on a sunny August 20th, 2025. I almost joined her myself, wanted to, but my sister saved me, by taking me in and helping me clean up all.
It is now July 21st, 2025, the memories of it all flood back to me today, as I know August 10th is getting close once more. It wil be four years since she passed, come that date. i remember our final days together and our final words to each other more each day. These day get to me each year, and I find myself, fighting to maintain myself. Yet I know, I must carry on, for there is no alternative for me. I end each August 10th, each year since she passed, in tears. Grieving I am told is natural to do, and I know, it is what I must do. So, I do it it and carry on.
Cancer has taken my Grandfather on my Mother’s side, it has taken my Father, it has taken my Step-father who raised me, it has taken my Mother too. It took my Bloved Wife from me, and it hit me also in the mid-stream of trying to save her. Yet, as I grieve, I am still here fighting on and surviving. What the purpose of my being here still is, I do not know, but I do know, I go day by day, and try to be the best I can and live the best I can, each day. God Bless, those I lost, I pray they rest peacefully each day!
I only ask, That People Give to The American Cancer Society, so they can help others. If You can do so. Thanks to those that do.
Macattack56's Blog 