Saturday evening has arrived on March 21st, of 2026. and like usual I am home alone, and nothing to do, and no one to talk to, except myself, lol. I knew when my wife died in August of 2021, my life was going to be over in many ways. I just didn’t know, how much so that would be.
I do not drink so I do not go to bars or taverns. I do not smoke or do drugs, so, I just do me each day. What does my normal day look like some may ask, well, here it is. I awaken each day between 4 and 5 am. I have coffee and move my broken arm in circles and try to loosen it up. I get dressed by 7 am if I can and take all my medications, I need to take.
By, 8 am I am eating breakfast and watching the news on CNN. Then I head to my laptop and either write a blog like this, or look things up. Then it is on to TV and puzzles, and maybe reading. I do my shopping as needed, my laundry as needed and I clean my condo, which I call my 956 Square Foot cell, in a community of such.
I check for Doctor appointments daily, I look and see if I need to shop. Otherwise the day is then filled with watching the news, playing video games, and walking. Dead silence greets me daily, without a partner to talk to. I am now used to it since my wife passed from cancer in August of 2021. Boredom comes fast when you live this way, and I will get in my recliner, start to watch tv and pass out for an hour or two. Wake up, eat and then if I feel well, walk for a while outside, alone, of course.
Now some have said they are worried about me, I am not worried. I have no fear, of what loneliness can do to me, for I am 70 and on the downside of life. On Mondays I play pool, on Wednesdays I play Dominos if I can. I used to Bowl on Wednesdays and Fridays, until I broke my right arm, in Febuary. I try hard to avoid people the best I can, for I do not like answering questions and I try not to ask any either. I know myself well enough that I check myself before I open my mouth about anything or anyone, I do not want anything coming back at me .
As I said before, and I shall say again, I am not a social butterfly of any sort. I avoid crowds or events. I am not Mr. Handsome that the ladies like either. I am not Mr. Comical and Witty either. I am just me and many women, don’t even notice me. I know that. I have no chance at finding anyone to spend time with in anyway, especially, anyone, of the opposite sex. So, I know to walk away all the time and not try to say a thing. I never learned to flirt and even if I knew how, at 70, it would get me, no where, and I know it.
I tried dating apps and surrendered to them, because they just don’t work. also, most who would answer me, want something from me, like money or me to do work for them or something along those lines. Not for me at all. I do not want a woman’s money, I have my own, I do not want a woman’s belonging or to abuse them. So knowing all of that myself, I avoid any involvement at all. Now thats honest, and the truth of my life these days.
I may write poetry or stories or blogs if inclined to do so and the mood hits me. Otherwise it is stay home alone, watch tv, play video games and walk, when weather permits and my health permits. No woman wants a 70 year old man, it’s just a fact of life, they want younger men. I know it and so do they, lol.
I moved into a 55 plus community four years ago as of 22nd of March 2026. I was looking forward to meeting people and having fun in my older days. Yet, DWCL, where I live, not only discorouged me, and I lost any purpose I had and fell into decline and depression here. I tried participating in events and happenings here, and found myself nervous, scared, and not fitting in and then, cast aside by some, with their words. I don’t handle rejection well, so all you have to do is tell me once and I leave permanetly. I don’t care, I know, when I am not wanted.
I accept myself and the fact I am not a very popular person and I know it. I live with it and I deal with it daily. I see people when I walk and say hi and bye basically, have very few conversations with anyone and move on. I am intelligent enough to sense when I am not wanted, and smart enough to not return when that is so. I started life alone and I am guessin, I shall end it that way, too. It’s not a big deal, to me, anymore.
I did it all in my life as far as I am concerned. I survived childhood and my teenage years. I survived military life for 16 years too, serving my country. I survived two marriages one 12 years and one 28. I have two daughters and four grandkids as far as I know and see none ever. So I am used to being alone. I will never be a burden or pain in the ass to anyone, I refuse to be so. I don’t ask anyone to help me and I would never do so. I am alone and used to it. This is not a plea for help, or for someone to pay attention to me, it is just the facts.
I am proud of who I am and smart enough to understand I can indeed stand alone and be fine. As my years move on and I age, I am determined to live them out alone. Why, because people take, they use, they abuse, they insult and have no care about whom they hurt or how. And for me I don’t need it, I have had enough pain and suffering in my life as it is, I don’t need anymore. I hope that makes sense, to anyone reading this. Look, life is great if you have someone to share it with, engage with, and enjoy it with. I get it, I do, but for me there is no one, so I go on alone. I don’t want to be matched up, hooked up or setup either. My relationships in my life, with women, I can count on one hand. The biggest, were the two marriages. One I met in the service, and the second I asked to dance and, between the two I got 40 years total, I would never trade in, for anything.
When I was a boy, I was told , I would never amount to anything. I was told I was a loser and failure. truth is I wasn’t, I suffered from Attention Deficiet Disorder and Hyper-Activity. No one knew what they were in the 1960s or how to handle a child with them. I overcame anyway. I overcame the physical violence from my step-father, the anger from my mother and my elder brother too. I went thru it all and came out the otherside. I went on to Military Life, to Two Marriages, to Getting a college Degree at 40 years old. I earned membership in Two Honor Societies- Alpha Beat Gamma and Phi Thetta Kappa. So, I did fine on my own. I ran Hotels and Resturants also. And in the end when I couldn’t work anymore due to six herniated discs in my spine, I took care of my second wife and home and hospiced her till she passed. That folks is how life goes sometimes.
Now I am 70 years old, and have lived in this 55 plus community for 4 years. Others find it a fun place to be and they have fun. For me it is not that way. I look at it, as a return to my childhood days, when I lived in the Projects in Connecticut. For me like i said, it is a 956 Square Foot cell, in a prison yard enviroment. Sounds extreme does it? Well it is how I feel about it all. For me, it is like building a puzzle in life, all is great, as long as you have all the right pieces and can finish it. But, if you have been building one all your life, and you get near the end and get a feeling a piece is missing what do you do? You keep searching till you find it and plug it in. Thats the point I am at these days. I find myself surrendering to the facts and the times, I live in and with, is all. Best to be honest with myself, is all.
I face each day the same, and hear people say, they want me to live a life, I tell them I am surviving, and fine. It is what I know to do is all, survive and keep going, till my mission whatever it is on this plane of existence is done and I am recalled, to, from whence I have come in the beggining. The cycle must be completed and the mission completed, by me, even if I do not know what it is, for it is not my choice but the choice of the good lord who puts us here.
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