I will be damned, if I won’t at least stay open enough to try!

I was told when I was young, to always be careful and think before doing, and then get it done! Dad, was a machinist and a fisherman and musician, mom was a Nurse life would go right, so we were warned to be able to make adjustments as we go. It is a lesson, I think all learned as we grew up.

We adjust to losing friends, lovers and yes spouses. we adjust to losing parents and relatives too. Jobs come and go and we all know, not every job is for us. we make our money, we take our loses, we enjoy our victories and we go on. Moms and Dads, build into each of us, the drive to survive, and the knowledge to do so. And as kids we do not realize it until it hits us in later life. The realization that they were right when they taught us, hard work, dedication, loyality and determination. The realization when they taught us, don’t be too greedy, don’t treat others with disrespect, be kind, but, be careful. It’s amazing, the things, that are passed on from one generation to the next in families.

We carry forward traits, talents,patienance, determination. We carry forward the ability to learn and grow and we pass it on to our children too. What no one can teach, although we try to, is how to overcome grief. How long does it take to do so? That is not handed down or found in any text book or podcast or blog. That is a feeling of knowing for yourself, inside, how long to grieve for the ones you have lost. Each of us do it in different ways. Some walk alone forever once a spouse is lost. Some, move on overa period of time and let the memories stay, but the connection evaporates, and we determine it is time. It is a process I know, I have lived it now for the past 5 years come August of 2026. Yet, I also know as i was recently told, it is one thing to survive and be a live, it is another thing to be alive and actually live fully, and enjoy life. many see us daily, he ones who have taken the loses, and just scan right by and go, oh they will be ok. And thats fine in such a fast moving world and society that we live in. Few slow down enough to realize, they are leavingbehind the ones who took the biggest loses. And until we the ones, who suffered said loses, wake up and go, wait a minute, I can change this, and be happier, we don’t do it, do we?

An old saying comes to mind as I write this, time heals all wounds. It heals illnesses, that can be healed, broken bones, broken relationships if you try and make it so. Time also eases the pain of loses folks, and the grieving will always be a part of me, yes, but, I also know, no two people are the same and the world goes on. As my deceased wife who passed in 2021, told her daughter regarding me, after she died, ” He will be fine, fo rhe is a realist, he knows what he has to do to continue on and will do so at his own pace!” I believe fully she was right, she knew, she knew me well enough, she knew how I thought, how I react and that I would grieve her, but she also knew there would come a time, when the loneliness, would be too much, and I would have to move on to live more. She was wise, she was loyal, she was kind and she was pure smart. I miss her counsole, I miss her guidance, I miss her wisdom, and I miss her love and kindness. I am now without it all, and have learned such a relationship, is not easy to find in todays world.

So I do what every other person who is widowed does, I struggle through day by day. I take care of myself the best I can. I try to find what I like to do and do it, for we are only here for so long. I read when I want, I write when I want, I walk when I want. I play games when I want, and I go for drives when I want. Each day is a challenge to wake up to, what pills must I take, what Doctors must I see, what can I find to do, to make me busy and happy? It is all a challenge as we age is it not? What makes it a harder challenge, is when you lose the one you were doing it with. Then you begin to fly in circles, that can turn into a downward spiral if not careful. So, you have to come to a time when you realize, I have to climb up out of the despair and grief, I am still here and alive. That is where i find myself folks, looking for that magical connection, that one thing or more, that will make me want to live again, in happiness. Is it out there for me, I do not know, but like one person told me, if I don’t look and be open to finding it, it won’t just find me. So, I try to stay open, I try to laugh, I try to talk, I try to interact. I amnot good at it of course, I spent 28 years with the same woman, married and happy. We fall into patterns of life we know, and when we lose out spouse, we try to keep the direction we were in, but like a bird with abroken wing we falter some, and learn to slow down and not run. I am not looking to run again at 70, but I want to briskly walk on, and find that one woman who can walk with me, laugh with me, converse with me, and enjoy life again with. Is it asking too much at 70? I don’t know, but I will be damned, if I won’t at least stay open enough to try!