Monday, September 23rd, 2020, Good Morning America ! The fall season has arrived in New England here and the leaves are turning as the temperatures fall. The weather is cooler and time marches on for sure.

The NFL season is underway now and it is a pleasure to have back to watch. Surprises and upsets happen weekly and the new rules in my book really suck. But, who am I right, just a fan is all. Four teams remain unbeaten so far 3 games into the season, Vikings, Chiefs, Steelers and Seahawks. The biggest disappointment in my view so far, has been Atlanta and the Kirk Cousins deal. Cousins, is not looking good at this time, yet he is making a fortune for sure. What happens in the future well we shall see. Cousins seems to just be barely good enough to keep starting.

As to the political winds in America, it is sad to me that people still are backing Trump in anyway. The man is a 94 times indicted, 34 time convicted felon, impeached twice, killed Roe vs Wade and failed at everything he ever did. Yet, his Maga followers are real and keep pushing his lies and him. In the end if America has a brain and a logic to it, they will not elect, Trump. The world laughs at Trump, he killed Roe vs Wade, he wants to kill the Education Department, and his 2025 Agenda is deadly and scary and he wants to be a dictator ! Trump failed, to sell water, steaks, his University, and paid contractors pennies on the dollar. If Trump is elected America will be a pawn for Russia to play with, be careful Americans, he will sell us to Russia !

Now, white men need to realize, voting for Trump you are putting your future in the hands of a convicted felon if you vote for Trump here. You also should realize, he doesn’t care about your wives or daughters or sisters, his killing of Roe vs Wade destroyed their chances of staying alive if they get pregnant and have difficulties. The Hospitals and Doctors won’t help them. Which means if they die, you lose your loved one, period.

I think Americans of all nationalities, colors and race need to Vote Harris/ Walz, and end the MAGA movement period in it’s tracks. Trump belongs in a cell in prison, not in the White House. Wake up folks, If you put Trump back in the White House I remind you of what Hillary Clinton said, ” Trump is a Putin Puppet” . The only people who will win if Trump gets the White House is himself and Russia and one company Babel, lol. You better buy yourself a copy of Babel and learn Russian fast. Sadly, no one realizes it now. Trump wants to pull support for Ukraine, and allow Putin to do as he pleases. It’sa crazy world folks, and the world is watching us. Trump wants to pull us from NATO too and kill the Education Department. Wake up, America, your future is at stake here ! The world already is laughing at the fact we have a felon running for the Presidency, imagine how they will be if he is elected again ! I pray for the Republic and democracy we live in that it can survive this threat of Trump being President again and that it does not happen.

Trump has angered Veterans, women, Jews and more and he is not going to stop, unless we stop him at the polls. He is only running to stay out of prison ! He has no plans to help Americans and his 2025 Agenda is dangerous and nasty for all of us. Please Americans, Vote Harris/ Walz and lets end MAGA it’s threat to all of us and let Trump go to prison. God Bless America folks and lets hope we are not facing the fall of America as a world power, for like all great empires, it is possible to happen, ask the Romans, Aztecs and Incas ! They all fell, is America next?

Hello, September 21st. 2024 ! My day started at half past 5 am, and I am still puttering on. As the weather outside is wet and rainy like, overcast today.

A few subjects I wish to cover here. 1) The election is coming fast folks, so first make sure you vote. Secondly, Please stop and think of women’s rights to their own bodies, IVF treatments. 2) The economy is not as bad as people are talking these days. The Fed just lower the rate down a half-point. 3) In my opinion and i know many out there won’t like it, I am voting for Harris/ Walz! Too many crimes, and bad stuff from Trump, I will never vote for him. And I don’t think anyone should, but his MAGA crowd will do so anyway, we just need to out vote them.

Next, age and dating. As we age, the possibilities of finding someone to date of the opposite sex, is rough these days. People are overly cautious and scared and there are too many fake dating profiles out there. Some web sites promise a lot and give you nothing really, so you put out money and get no real service or contacts. It’s sad for sure. I tried Zoosk first and, gave it up after a while. Then I was told try Match.com, so I did, no luck there either. The old days of meeting someone doing things in the real world seems to have disappeared, due to fears of covid, violence and stalkers and more. So, I look at dating sites as a lost cause, I am 68 now. I am not chasing sexual fantasizes, or sex, and I will not persue, women online, it’s foolish issue.

Since my wife passed in 2021, I have held off on looking and gave up actually. We don’t have the same climate or ways I grew up with and that does happen when your not dating for over 30 years. Times change and so do the ways of the dating scene so to say. Now a days, people post profiles and pictures and they lie or post fake pics, or have no patience for dealing with divorcees or widows and widowers. Yes I know some widowers, grieve a long time and will mention those gone. It happens and grieving is a process that can take a lot longer for some than for others.

My thoughts these days are on the election for 2024, Backing Harris/ Walz, and stopping Trump if we can. Some of my thoughts are about the economy, but that fluctuates like the markets do. Some thoughts go to the possibility of finding a female friend and lover, but at 68 I will not hold my breathe to find one. As time goes on for me, I try to keep the mind busy, walk as much as I can, on and off, reading a lot, and building puzzles and playing silly games here where I live in the clubhouse we have. It gets me out of my condo and talking to other people so, it is good to socialize.

There are many things to worry about in life, health, food, housing, climate and so much more. I think Americans who are in my position and age range, need to Vote Harris/ Walz, not Trump. I think if Trump wins come November 5th, 2024, we the American People lose ! He killed Roe vs Wade for the women, he called us Veterans Losers and Suckers, he has committed crimes, 34 times convicted, indicted 94 times and yet, people believe in him? How the hell can anyone do that, I do not know. Sadly, it is a close election so far, it needs to end in Harris/ Walz winning, to protect the Republic and democracy we live under! If that doesn’t happen and it goes the other way, Trump already is promoting his 2025 agenda and saying he will be a dictator, we don’t need that. Let me close with what Ben Franklin said after the constitution was signed and approved, ” We shall only have a republic, as long as we support it and keep it.!” Remember we the people decide our future, not one man.

I was asked how I ended up here at Dell Webb Chauncy Lake Condos in Westborough, Mass. I thought about it, and still to this day, I come up with an answer, few would understand or like.

I go back in time to when my deceased wife passed in August of 2021. I asked my sister to come help me, because it was emotionally rough and I did not think I could handle it fully by myself. Now, My sister did come to help me and she stayed until the end and we buried my wife. Then, I was told by my best friend, my sister and her boyfriend, to come to Massachuetts to live, because I would be near my sister. So, my sister and her boyfriend took me into their home, while we cleared my home out of everything and got it put up for sale. Which I believe to be very nice of both of them to do at the time.

I stayed with them for six months as my house was on the market and finally sold and looked for a place to settle here in Massachuetts. My sisters now ex-boyfriend found this 55plus condo community online and I came with my sister to see it, it was new. I thought it over for a while, and then, when things started to blow up between my sister and her ex and her ex and I, I decided to take this condo I am in. It was more of a forced decision, then a real decision on my own, I feltI had to get out of their home. All of a sudden, my sister’s ex wouldn’t talk to me, the tension in the air in the house you could cut with a knife. So, I took this condo and left as fast as I could. Less than two weeks later, my sister broke up with him and sold the house out from under him.

Anyway, I was talking to someone and they said oh, if you don’t like it here, you should sell and get out. My answer is simple I have too much invested in the condo and would never get back what I spent for it, the economy and market is why.

So I live in my 956 square foot condo, alone, walk a lot, read a lot, build puzzles, watch a lot of movies and tv and participate in a few activities here. I play billards one night a week and Mexican Train Dominos twice a week when available of course. But, in the end it is a lonely, isolated life really. So, I go day by day and hang on, once ein a while I go for a ride, or to a doctor or dentist if needed. I shop only when needed for personal items, cleaning items and of course food.

I thought of selling and getting out, but, where would I go, no idea. Plus under the current market, people have tried to resell their condos losing upwards of 60 grand in the deal. I refuse to do that, as I said too much invested to take that kind of loss and I am not young anymore, at 68.

So, I shall try and stay and make the best of it, that I can. Now, that should explain the predicament I find myself in. Yes, there is a senior Center in Town and a Library, and yes, I have been there. The day and age we live in today, has changed many things in the world. COVID, makes people cautious, age is a factor of course, and the dating world is no where near what I knew before I met my deceased wife 33 years ago. The bars and tavern are geared to the 20,30 and 40 year olds. There is no Single Events for Seniors to meet others, and some say well date the single where you live, nope. Wrong answer, you date your neighbors and you will get screwed in a bad way when things go wrong. In almost all cases when couples break up, the man gets blamed and then ostrich sized by all in the community and forced to sell and move. Bad move lol !

So, it is a catch 22 situation for me and I have to live it out, in the best way I know how, is all. The options and choices are very few, so, I make ethe best of it.

Hello, August 13th, 2024, Yes I am still alive and up early once more. Mine eyes have open, and I still breathe, I still can walk and be free. Many blessings have come and many have gone, and somehow I still wake up and carry-on.

I am not rich, I am not famous, I am not the healthiest, but neither am I a blamest. I take the ups and I take the downs, I roll with it all and I carry-on. Life is like a roller coaster at times, but at others there be peace in my soul and mind. We are human, I know I am, I am not perfect, or always right for I am a man. Yet for all, I have seen and lived through you see, I have always found a way, to not hurt others, by being just me.

I do not attack others, I do not put people down, I walk away from people who do it, for those are the ones I do not wish to be around. I shall never understand, why people attack people they do not know, but, I know if they do, they hurt their own soul. You can bully, you can tease, you can agitate and you can appease. Or you can be easy and fun, you can laugh and play and yes even run.

If, I see trouble ahead, I steer a course around it instead. I don’t need the pain, I have had my share, I don’t need people who just are selfish and don’t care. I don’t need anger, I don’t need confrontation, and most of all aggravation. So, I live a live avoiding all of that, if I can you see, so if I walk away from you, and you do not understand, in my book, you hurt me or another woman or man, with any reason or rhyme, and you anger is not longer under your control. It seems, some need to dump their anger on others, to be whole. So, do what I do, avoid them you see, keep on walking away and staying free. Smile at those you are kind, smile about you life and living and joy. Don’t let someone else take you down, for in the end, you don’t need them around.

We all choose how we act, whether to be kind or attack. It’s a choice you see, inside you or me, an old saying says, If you don’t like yourself, you won’t like anybody else. It’s the trueist statement made by human kind, for in the end it’s in your heart and mind. We all have to like who we are first and most, before we can like someone else and the Holy Ghost. Accept yourself and be happy please, let others be themselves and you shall be free. The color of your skin means nothing, the material things you have can be bought and sold, the inner peace you need, you shall find as you grow old. If you don’t, find it my friends, it is because you refuse to, in the end. Let go of the bitterness, and anger you have, don’t toss it at others and make them sad. Learn more each day, laugh as much as you may, help others where you can, and remember, we are are just human.

Many have asked me, why I do not get out more, or get involved in events, or clubs here in the 55 plus community I live in. Originally, it was a a matter of being uncomfortable in large crowds, not being anti-social or as some have called me a drifter or loner. So, since some here in the 55 plus community have asked this question, I figure I should explain it, some.

1. I was born with hyperactivity and attention deficiet disorder, but back in the days when I was young they called it emotional problems. So, I overreact sometimes and other times, under react.
2. Secondly, I suffer from childhood PTSD and Military PTSD, I avoid large crowds also.
3. Depression is apart of me, since my wife passed and I sometimes feel it.

Since my wife passed in 2021, on August 10th, I have stayed to myself and away from people in general, avoided women and again, crowds of any kind. I am uncomfortable under those circumstances, I feel crowded, and that I do not fit in period. I know many will read this and go, he’s just whinning, that is not the case. Just because a person is able to laugh, or smile, and doesn’t look like they are disturbed or upset, does not mean they are not upset. When you grow up as I did, and if you lived the life I have you learned to hide it all well.

Now, I thought after my wife passed, the best thing to do, was to move to a 55 plus community and try to get to know some people and get involved in clubs or groups or events. here in the community. I thought it would be easy to attend some events, be part of a club or two, and slowly, get to know people, and fit in. For me it has been the complete opposite of what I expected.

I have lived here now, since March of 2022, I tried attending a few events, but felt completely out of place. I talk to very few people here. The events are well planned for all to attend, so it is not them, it is me, I feel I don’t really fit in when at them.

I did bowling for a while with a group that was started here, and it was fun for a season. Then suddenly, the day of the week and time was changed and people stopped attending and going to it. I do, play billards on Monday evenings in the clubhouse, but, when the crowd gets too large, I tend to back away, and leave. So, what do I do, is the real question ? Well, some may see me walking when I am up to it, I walk a lot when feeling ok. I read books, I write poetry, stories, or blogs and stay home. When, I am feeling up to it, I may sit in the clubhouse alone, and use my cell phone, to play games. I know many will say the explanation is bullshit or I am just looking for attention, but, that is far from the case. I care not about attention, or praise, I am just me, I have never changed since my childhood. Did ya ever know that kid, who would always be alone, who roamed the woods, or never got involved in much, well that’s me. I guess I have enough experience of being the outcast or alone, that it is now a habit and a part of me.

Some will say, well, you were married twice, two wives, two kids, how did you do that ? I didn’t really my wives did lol ! They met me both under different circumstances, but, they choose me first. I can honestly say, I can count the women in my life on one hand, as far as relationships go, that does not include my mother or my sister. My first marriage went 12 years and my second 28 years, so I must have done something right, but don’t ask me what, lol !

Now at 68 years old, I find myself in this 55 plus community, locked in my 956 square foot condo, on the fourth floor, and leaving it just to go to Doctors, Dentists, or Shopping basically. Some will say, well your lucky you have a nice condo, but how nice is a 956 square foot place, when you look at it like a prison cell, you stay locked up in?

When I attempted to attend events, I felt out of place, then I was encouraged by some to join some groups and have fun, like all the rest. Well, when I did, I was told, first to tone it down, then that I wasn’t playing the game correctly and I called someone by a nickname and they didn’t like it. Hit me with one of those and I get Shakey, hit me with three at one time, well feel like I struck out and won’t come back again. Ok, some will say, oh, you can’t be that thin skinned, don’t let it bother you, sorry but it does. People tend not to realize, what problems others may have, whether physical, or mental or emotional. They just think, well it was a constructive conversation, and they didn’t intend to stop me from attending, but they did. What stops me from returning is simple, fear of harming someone else or disturbing the game or party, or upsetting someone who is there to have a good time. I know, many think I am crazy for saying, but, it’s true, I didn’t attempt to join the group, to break anyone’s concentration, or to not play by the rules or to hurt someone else’s feelings. It was my attempt at trying to be social and friendly is all and I apologize if I did wrong or harmed anyone, or interferred in the group’s fun.

So if you tell me to tone it down, or that I hurt someone’s feelings, or disturbed your game, my solution is simple, I don’t attend anymore. That way you have none of the above reasons to blame me for anything. Simple, it is all quiet for all involved and I am not disturbing anything anymore. You win, simple . Simple explanations, for simple things, and that explains why I do not get socially involved in this community. Add to the facts above, it is like Peyton Place here and everyone pays attention to anything you do or not do and talk abounds. I was taught as child, you want no one knowing your business and no one talking about you, so don’t talk about anyone else. Stay the straight road, and treat others as they treat you and respect your elders. Manners count, ethics count, morals count too. What can I say ?

For those who suggest, I go out to bars or taverns or drink, sorry, I hate alcohol and people in these places get angry easy. I tried that scene on my own in many bars here in Westborough, too many angry folks out there for me. I tried the library, I tried book stores and malls, too. People are not friendly around here in my book. As my step-father told me growing up, you can only bang your head against the wall so long, then, you have to stop and walk either away from it or around it ! So, that is what I do now a days.

Being a widower, when my wife passed in August of 2021, it was hard to bury her and move on. Many of us go through it, whether we are widowers or widows and we all know the pain it causes us. We come up lost, and lonely and searching after a while, for a way to continue on, some of us, just go on dating sites, or start attending events for things to do and hope, usually beyond hope that we meet someone else. In the end though, it doesn’t work for all, who go through it. Many of us, give up after failing numerous times and end up, getting used to living alone. We go to a mode of living day by day and trying to stay alive and survive on our own. It’s normal, ask any person or Doctor, or Grief Counsular. No one says it is easy to do, because it isn’t, you may, run into something, or someone, who makes you remember the one you lost, and that drives depression and sadness. Then you have to regroup, pull yourself together once more and continue on anyway, for you have no choice, for your still alive and here.

I made a choice when my wife passed from breast cancer in August of 2021, to sell the home we shared and choose to move to a 55 plus community, figuring, it would be more accepting of me and easier to get along in and people would understand and give me leeway, while I grieved and carried on. Of course, after moving to the 55 plus community, I attempted a few times to associate with those who live here too, yet, I believe I failed at it, in someway.

The community I live in, tries to create events, parties and clubs for those who live here to participate in and for social interaction. While the events I have seen, have been well put together and many enjoy them, when I attend one, I feel out of place, lost and lonely and walk away. I gave up on the events, because I honestly, do not feel like I fit in at all. I am not a social butterfly of any sort, and I avoid big groups and always have. Then, there are groups or clubs put together, that people start that many like to do. There are art clubs, card games, board games, billards and bowling, at least there was at one time. While I like billards and play weekly, bowling changed after the first year, as to date and time, so I don’t attend that anymore. I try to do the Mexican Train Dominos club for fun, and I used to do it twice a week, but, I now only do it once a week, because I was told, I do not play by the rules, I called someone by a nickname instead of their real name and they didn’t like it, and I was breaking people’s concentration during the game. Now, all I wanted to do was be friendly, play the game and try to enjoy it, instead, I now only do that one time a week. I never intended to disturb the game, or break anyone’s concentration, or not play by the rules of said game, but, it is what I was told I did wrong. So, I stopped going to that group and game on the day and at the time, it happened, so I do not anger, upset, distract, or break anyone’s concentration, that is my way of toning it down, so to say. Plus, the way I felt was simple, I was disturbing the group, and I would never do so intentionally.

So, living in a 55 plus community, for me is lonely, boring and maybe not for me. I have thought about it many times as I sit alone in my condo, reading or watching tv, or as I walk the grounds. I thought at first of selling and leaving the community, yet, at 68 years old and already invested in the property, I do not want to go through that process. I am a disabled veteran, with 6 herniated discs in my spine, PTSD from childhood and military life. I just want to get along with all and enjoy, the best I can.

I live alone as I said, my family that I do have, lives elsewhere and is busy, doing their thing. I never have been a social butterfly and frankly, I am not always politically correct. I am an ex-sailor and military man who served 16 years. Some say, get a pet, sorry, I don’t want a dog or a cat for that matter, they cost too much to care for. Limited budget, is what I live on, so I try to read, write, watch TV, or walk alot. Now and then when I am up to it, I may go fishing just for something to do. But, overall, I find living in this 55 plus community boring and I isolate myself on purpose, for fear of disturbing, angering or upsetting people.

I do not do good in large crowds, and most people do not like me, I am not a winning, fun, entertaining personality. I have no intention of changing who I am either. I shouldn’t have to, is my belief. No I am not religious either, so churches would fall down on my head, if I entered one. So, I have to wonder, what do I do next ? I can only wonder, and wait and see what happens next for me !

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