Why Must The Days End?

This Poem was written in Remembrance of my Step-Father, who I always called Dad, Abraham Sali, I think of him at times and hope he is peaceful in heaven these days!

Why Must the Days End?

By William McCurrach

Why do the days have to end?

Why do the nights have to come?

The Darkness rolls in,

Night reminding me,

Of, my past, my sin.

I didn’t know what you wanted or needed,

You refused to say,

So now I wonder and think,

All night and through the day.

I go thru life, a statement reverberating in my mind,

It’s one I carry with me,

And shall for all time.

My father, laid dying on his bed you see,

And these are the words he said to me:

My son he said my days have come and gone,

I shall leave you before for long.

But live your life to the fullest and enjoy,

Do today what you love the most,

Enjoy life to the fullest, and love those around you the deepest,

For though I be gone and you may cry,

Please remember these words, I give you to keep and hold.

Live your life with honesty and truth,

Be happy, be true, be honest and be bold.

As I leave you now he said:

I shall be gone and you will cry,

But remember this is not really goodbye.

We are all put here for a purpose, yes a plan.

When we fulfill that purpose our time has come,

And our life is done, and I am just a man.

The days will pass, the weeks will come and go,

The weeks, will turn to months, the months to years,

And over time, you will, have cried all of your tears.

But live your life for each day you are here,

For the calendar will continue to roll,

Time will pass before you know,

In the end my son,

We all eventually do what we have been put here for,

And our time is done.

Then he rolled his head, in his bed,

The vomit came, his eyes rolled back in his head,

And peacefully, and in silence he was dead.

I remember that day oh so well,

I remember the fishing trips, the pizzas, the laughter and the tears,

And have carried his words, with me and lived them for all my years.

WHY HIDE IT/ JFK’s Assassination

JFK’s Assassination
Why Hide It!
By: William M. McCurrach

The trail always leads back to where it should have begun if you follow it carefully. History twists and colors and changes the truth to hide it from the world and its population.
On November 22, 1963, such an event rocked the world and the United States of America, as John F, Kennedy was shot dead in Dallas. Texas, his head blown apart, on public television as his wife Jackie, crawled over the back of the trunk hood of the limo, trying to scoop up his brains. The film is played across the world daily maybe a hundred times a day and on American Television it is all a part of the history channel and other channels as all tried to figure out, what happened and who was involved.
As American and World History tell us today in 2012, President Kennedy was shot by a lone assassin Lee Harvey Oswald, a loner, and an ex-marine. Were we really told the truth by the Warren Commission, or by the Commissions since headed by others? The only Commission to hold up the lone assassin theory of this killing was the Warren Commission, but did they tell the truth, was their whole magic bullet theory correct? I think not, I think the investigation if it was done proper at the time, would have led to other conclusions. The conclusions I speak of could involve Fidel Castro, The Bay of Pigs, Lyndon B. Johnson, and even the Mob led by Carlos Marcello and Santos Traficanti. Yet how would one prove such a theory all these years later, how can you really dig into the past so far back and find the truth? That my friends is what I wonder, but I can only give what I think a shot and let the American People think what they want and respond, can’t I. The theories abound each day and year that passes, information slowly trickles out of the Government files and FBI records and more. Yet no firm release of all the records has been done and still you get the sneaky feeling, Uncle Sam is covering something up and only giving us a little at a time. Why is that, most likely because it is true, the American Government worked overtime to hide the facts, the people and avoid the truth of that shooting in Dallas. Jacob Rubinstien AKA Jack Ruby said it before he was jailed and again at his trial, no one shall ever know the full truth of what happened on November 22, 1963, if I don’t talk. He begged the Warren Commission Members, Justice Earl Warren and Representative Gerald Ford to take him to Washington so he could speak freely. They refused, why? What did Jack Ruby really know that the Commissioners were afraid of letting public? What did J. Edgar Hoover hide and why? These Questions all end up centering on some very mysterious and ruthless figures all connected to Jack Ruby. Carlos Marcellio, Santos Traficanti, David Ferrie, Roselli, and more, names remembered in Mob history for sure. Did the Mob really kill Kennedy and get away with it? I think the evidence may show it did if the investigation can ever be pushed forward and the truth can come out to the American People. Fear divides and halts so many, that even today in 2012, the Mob is silent killer and controller of many things, yet, as we know it shall never disappear will it?
We all know Jack Ruby was from Dallas at the time of the Assassination in 1963. But where did Jack come from, who helped him pay his bills for his clubs and what the hell was all that phone activity on his phones prior to it happening? How did Jack Ruby end up in Dallas, when he was originally in Chicago, prior and running guns to Cuba? The answer to Kennedy’s Assassination is not through Lee Harvey Oswald it may indeed be through Jacob Rubinstien AKA Jack Ruby.
Ruby ran guns, did odd jobs and more in his younger days for people like Capone and others. He ran the books for horses, and got money from criminals to keep his clubs going. He messed up Chicago somewhere and was banished to Dallas for a mistake and told to run the clubs there. His reputation in Dallas was as a club owner and punisher, a man running strip clubs, why? History shows Jake Ruby ran guns to Cuba, dealt with Mob bosses left and right and at one time as being a strong man for some of them and an errand boy too. The solution to Kennedy’s Assassination is through Jack Ruby, the connections dangle off of Ruby in many ways, and do you really believe the nonsense statement of, I shot Oswald to save Mrs. Kennedy pain! Come on Ruby wasn’t emotional really he acted well at the time to preserve his own family and more. The truth needs told sometime, doesn’t it folks, are we really dumb enough to believe the Magic Bullet Theory, or the Lone Assassin Theory? How many Officers were in Dealy Plaza that day, how many radios were open and how many people on the grassy knoll ducked at the sound of gun fire and ran to the knoll verses the Book Depository that day in Dallas? Look at the films folks, look closely immediately after the shots where people run towards first. So many unanswered questions arise regarding that day in Dallas and the days following and years too. Who benefitted most from Kennedy’s death, well we can look there too. Lyndon B. Johnson became President, Carlos Marcellio stayed in the USA and got out of deportation, and Jimmy Hoffa rose to heights in the Unions and then disappeared for his big mouth. Silently across the America of the 1960s, mob bosses lived comfortably and without threat from Uncle Sam. Even Fidel Castro got stronger and steadier in Cuba, why? The decades have passed now and the records and files from Kennedy’s Assassination are still closed off to the public, they were sealed for fifty years after his death, why? What is hidden by the American Government, from the American People regarding Kennedy’s death and why? Will we ever know?

PS: I was 7 years old on the Day of The Assassination on November 22nd, 1963. I watched it live on television that day it happened. It affected my life, my parents life, generations of Americans and the country and world. So Why Hide it!

Holiday Season, Children/ America

Holiday Season has approached folks, it’s almost Turkey day and then on to the Christmas and New Years Holidays. The stores are preparing for the Black Friday Sales and the mad rush of shoppers once more. I think they may be surprised at the amount of people they get, for I believe it will be less than they expect. The Economy is tight, the job market sucks and than we throw Obama Care costs on top and wala a problem. Too many stores are already shutting down and disappearing in America due to the lack of money going around, the lack of customers due to lack of jobs that pay. Connecticut suffers each and everyday from all of this as you go to it’s stores and malls you find empty buildings for rent or spaces. People are asking for heating assistance and food assistance left and right, donations are getting around to giving out a lot more requests. Sad isn’t it, in a state where the economy counted on Government contracts for shipbuilding and weapons, and factories, we now have very few left. We need factories folks, we need more government contracts at our weapons and shipbuilding plants. We need help in Congress and the Senate and people to push for our survival as well as the country.

America has never had cities in bankruptcy before and all that happens is we see stories and reports on Television and the radio telling us how Detroit is underwater and fighting to survive. The car companies had to be baled out to survive and we are getting small ghost towns here and there. What is wrong with America folks? We are lazy, in too many ways and teaching our children how to watch television, listen to music and play video games, instead of instilling a work ethnic in them, build kids build, build a business, a company, manufacture something worthwhile, lets invent,fabricate and make life better by creating in America. A few decades ago in the 1970s a saying was invented in America, Be American, buy American, we need to bring that back. Support our companies and businesses here and stop buying other companies stuff. Support American Businesses, American Farmers, and lets move America ahead not to a wreck of a place that ends up a tale in a video game in the world.

Teach the fundamentals once more, reading, writing, arithmetic, take away the electronic games and computers from children, give them a book and make them do chores once more. If the misbehave, punish them and if they get too far out of line and hurt someone, show disrespect, or throw a tantrum them spank em if you have to, but teach them right from wrong. America has become a world of don’t hit your kid or we will take them from you, that is crap, no one took me from my parents when they beat me and my siblings half to death, why make it worse by being too permissive folks. Do your jobs as parents, discipline and correct and teach your children and watch they don’t hang on the streets at night, make them come home at a decent time once more, tell your boys to pull their damn pants up and act normal or stay home, don’t let your daughters go to parties without being watched, there are too many crazy people who may snatch a child up and destroy them. Lets fight back, by Taking command America and controlling the bad and making it right and good once more!

Who made Me, Me!

Who Made me, Me!
By William M. McCurrach

List Price: $5.95
8.5″ x 11″ (21.59 x 27.94 cm)
Black & White on White paper
48 pages
ISBN-13: 978-1494206970 (CreateSpace-Assigned)
ISBN-10: 1494206978
BISAC: Biography & Autobiography / General
It is a semi-biographical story of a life and what and who it took to create the person I am!
CreateSpace eStore: https://www.createspace.com/4531508
Now in Paper-Back form online for sale too!

Highs and Lows!

Lets talk highs and lows! Highs are moments you feel no matter what you did right and things went right for all involved but especially for you.

Lows are those moments when you wish you never did what you did an and nothing turns out right at all.

We all have those moments believe me and we all know we have them too. It seems we learn from the low ones and enjoy the high ones in extremes, not in moderation. There is no way to do anything in moderation except eat that works in life really is there?

Highs are usually such things as birth,Your first step or word spoken, your first Graduation and Second, your first book you completed, the birth of siblings and the achievement of something you wanted to do, but had been unable to do till you actually got it done. All proud moments in a life usually recorded, in photos and saved for history to see. That first job, that first car, that first date, the loss of your virginity, that first love. All Highs in anyone’s book right?

The lows well lets talk busted relationships, foolish questions or statements. Or maybe you got desperate for attention and did something stupid to get some, whatever it was , we all have low moments in time I call regrets and so should you. That first spanking, that first taking of something not your own, that first lie,that first accident. Or maybe it’s regrets about not taking care of yourself or a loved one, or walking away from a relationship or child you shouldn’t have these are all regrets we have in life. we live, we lose, and we win, but like I always say about sports and events, you win some, you lose some and some you just shouldn’t play!

The thing to remember folks and I have learned from these highs and lows, and regrets is this, you can’t change the past, you can only control the present and hopefully make the decisions you do now from the lessons in the past to make the future the best you can!

Thanksgiving Coming/

Well soon enough Thanksgiving will arrive Ladies and Gentlemen, and we shall all have a family Holiday some of us like and some of us hate. I remember many a Thanksgiving as a kid I hated, due to parents and relatives hating and fighting with one another. Very few do I remember a good one actually, except one year when mom and dad declared peace and the meal went on without a hitch. We had relatives over, and mom made meat and potato pies and some of each too, dad did the bird and the kitchen was shared and not fought over. Ah, those times of family fun were indeed few and far between in our house as I grew up.

So as Thanksgiving nears and arrives very shortly, we should all remember family is family they are all we have in the world and to talk to and ask for help from. Family is all many have, you may disagree with a member, a brother, a sister, a father or a mother, but in the end when help is needed, they will be who you turn to, in the end, won’t they?

Never forget, to be Thankful for what you have now and who you have now. For one day, you may not have them and wish with all your heart and soul you still did, but it won’t change. So treat them right, support each other and be Thankfull that is what Thanksgiving is all about, not just the food!

Church,No Thank You!

Happy Sunday, Fun Day as my baby sister likes to say every Sunday! It’s a day filled with slow times, ball games, family and peace usually, and for many church. As I learned though in more than one way the church bit is not for me. As a young teenager I had a argument about the church with a very sear friends mother, and she threw me out of her house for two years, but we ended up dear friends right to the day she died. The church is the most hypocritical organization in the world and it doesn’t matter which religion we talk about. It tries so hard to convince it’s parishioners it is doing good when in fact it is just getting richer and bigger and producing no help for the average human beings. faith my friends can not get you a meal, a home, a Doctor when needed or family and friends. Sadly the church builds more churches and nothing more, it asks the faithful to donate without regard for the faithful’s own well being or position in the economy and world. Why is it?

The church has been a problem for centuries now, with their hypocritical things they do, they condemn sexual abuse and crimes then commit it themselves. While I agree with condemning these crimes I don’t think the church should be protecting their own perverted members of the clergy and moving them from country to country and spreading the perversion. Why do we allow them to do this stuff, religious fever or faith which is it folks?

As a child, my step-father told us all, and there were 5 kids, when you reach your teens you can make a choice if you want to go to church or not. 5 children and not one of us attends church at all, why, we learned the church builds and builds churches and money, but helps no one. Sad isn’t it folks, I think so.

Whats even worse is the Priests, who keep telling us it is only a few of them who are perverted and sick and they ban them from the churches. They lie, they move them from one station to another or one country to another and keep them hidden and they are good at it too. Why is it allowed, because it is the church doing it and it is protected by their faithful and the Vatican, period.

here is a fact that happened to me, regarding the religious faithful and their lies and crimes. My ex-father in law raised four children, 2 girls and two boys, and his wife worked. He sexually abused them all four, using them for his own pleasures and make them all keep quiet about it by placing the fear of God into them. Then, I married one of the daughters and had two daughters by her myself and we were married 12 years until a phone call from her mom set in motion the end of not one but three marriages. In the end it caused our divorce, the sister’s divorce, the parents divorce and the two boys are messed up big time, one is sleeping in women’s night gowns and the other is a bi-sexual and lonely as hell as the second daughter is married and divorced at least 5 times. sad isn’t it, and each Sunday this man walks into church as one of it’s faithful, puts some coins in the basket, donates and prays for forgiveness and leaves. And he destroyed not only his own marriage, his two daughter’s marriages, and screwed up two sons, sad isn’t it. But the Church continues to prosper with members like this in it, why?

I guess the answer will never be forthcoming from the Church or the people who do these crimes. For they forgive all sins right and allow anyone to enter and leave as they wish, such was the story of Judas and Jesus too.

In closing today of this subject, I want to mention the bible, both versions or all versions. Here is the story folks, it was written chapter by chapter over decades by more then one writer, passed on to the next to continue the story and then compiled as one book of faith. The truth is it is all a fable, put together by the religious right and their people of each faith, why else would we have now so many versions of the story and who is right or wrong is argued each day! So here is what I say to the churches, to the Vatican and any other religious group or party, you may believe what you want and I shall believe what I want, I can pray in my own bedroom myself each night and be heard I don’t need your church or steeple or man or woman of the cloth, I just need inner peace and get it in my own way.

Marriage and Money/ Gaming Console War/X-Mas Stories

Ok Ladies and Gents or whoever reads this, here is a problem I don’t understand about relationships and marriage. Someone please explain to me why the wife can go out buy whatever she wants like 750 dollars in shoes and never wear them, magazines and books they never read flowers that die twice a year and never come back, but a man can’t go out and buy a new computer, a cell phone, a video game console or even a video game without hearing about it? Please explain folks, cause i still don’t get it, but it is what I go through all the time lol. Happens ina in all relationships I think, if the man loves his woman he gives in and lets her have it all. Funny isn’t it?

I have the checks monthly the money coming in and she has her social security is all, but she spends six times as much of my money as i do, why is that? Is that normal in a marriage, someone please tell me! I don’t think so, but have no idea what to do about it lol. Sad isn’t it, she says nope and I don’t buy it no matter how much I want it, I say no she buys it anyway, how is this possible? I wish I knew!

Next the Gaming Console Wars happening shortly. Last friday Playstation 4 was released to the public market. It has great graphics, plays great games, and has of course the Playstation servers out there. It does not come with a Kinnect like the X-Box one will but you can buy an additional camera to add to it if you wish. Price 399.00 for the Console and 69 bucks a game.

This coming Friday X-Box One will hit the markets and stores. It too has great graphics, sounds and more and all the same additional things like Playstation 4 and a brand new KInect too. It will carry all the APPs like Playstation and, have X-Box online to play on for Servers. 500 dollars for the console and one controller with the kinnect sensor too. Each game will now go 70 bucks like the playstation. Both companies will provide servers for 70 dollars a year like before. Notice everything is an increase in price folks. Both gaming consoles will now be bluetooth capable and all your old games will not work on either console, you will need all new ones. Are these companies crazy or what/ Do we really have this kinda cash around in an economy in trouble/ I don’t think so folks. And as to gaming consoles and video gaming so to say, you all should read yesterday’s post on the story I wrote called Video Ending, it addresses the possible addictions associated with gaming consoles and game of this sort.

Here is the link to my latest writing project I put together and on sale on Amazon’s Kindle E-books as a book- I call it– Three Christmas Tales for All!

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00GOZO6XC— Click the blue line and open in a new tab!

Three Christmas Tales for All!

http://www.amazon.com

Three Tales of Christmas’s Past that will make you cry or make you laugh!

A Video Ending !

It is ancient history so to say now, as to when the first video game appeared on the world market and the electronics craze really began. The 1980s is now decades ago when companies like Atari, and Commodore Computers came about. All hooked to a TV antenna on the back of your television and or with a monitor of its own and keyboard and silly joysticks. It now seems so long ago after all the inventions and progress since, doesn’t it. Pong, Table Tennis and then graphics came about as children and adults got fascinated by Intellivision and then PlayStations and X-Boxes and personal computers. Lap Top computers became the craze and now Tablets and E-readers abound, everywhere a person goes is someone reading, or playing or working on an electronic device. Amazing isn’t it folks we have become total and unashamed electronic geeks who love having video games to play and watch.

As a kid born in the fifties and raised in the sixties and seventies, we never had game consoles, computers, e-readers or video games. We had erector sets, microscopes, dolls, rings, jacks, jump ropes and balls. We had puzzles and paperback books and hard covers, and a little TV if we were good. Today’s children live and die with electronics and it is sad when you removed it from the kids they get lost and don’t know what to do anymore.

Such is the preamble to what happened to a child born in 1982, little Gerald McLaney. A young boy who by the age of five years old was given a controller to an Atari Console and got lost in simple games like pong and table tennis and grew from there. His parents didn’t think anything of it, it calmed Gerald down when he was upset, it made him quiet and happy and they could hear him in the next room each day, laughing and making fun sounds as he played for hours.

His days were spent staring at a Television screen full of pixels and shapes and laughing and yelling and sometimes crying when he failed to beat the games. Never though would Gerald ever give up no matter how many times he was beaten by a game he always went back to play again, to prove it was beatable to him. Usually Gerald would figure it out even at five years old, a small boy who’s brain sped as fast as light pixels across the screen. He mastered games like pong in no time, tennis in no time, Mario Brothers by 7, and was on to games of Champion Tetris and puzzles and more.

His days were spent going to school, coming home rushing through homework, finishing it and on went the Television and the game console and Gerald would be lost once more to the world, in an electronic wasteland staring at a screen of colored pixels now that moved at the same rate as his brain cells fascinated by the games invented to play with. Gerald never worried about making friends or going out to play and his parents saw no problem letting him do as he wanted and what made him happy. After all Gerald was happy as he was and no one cared if it was the video games and Television screen keeping him company, all they knew is Gerald was a happy kid and never caused trouble.

His life went on and on as the video games grew; he went from Atari, to Intellivision, from Intellivision he graduated to X-Box and Play Stations. The games went from simple games like pong and table tennis to games of more violent natures now, war games, battles, battleships and planes and then the shooters. Yes the all-time favorites for Gerald, his shooters games of war now allowed to be played across the internet now, as servers sprang up and blood and gore and sounds of explosions and fights and yells of death filled the room Gerald played in. Gerald staring at the screen to see a dot move and shoot and duck as a player’s pixeled characters head exploded 300 feet away in the game and the scores rang up and awards He joyed in being able to kill as many opponents as possible and being the best on the score boards around the world now. Yet behind the screen as others were being beaten and seeing Gerald’s pixel character in the game come up victorious and win, no one knew the real Gerald who was now home alone always with no one to watch him. He was snacking on so many things over time that between the age of 7 to 17, Gerald had somehow grown to 300 pounds and could barely move. Yet he refused to put down his controller and stop his game playing for it was all he knew. He ate whatever he wished, no his parents didn’t pay attention, nor stop him as long as Gerald didn’t bother anyone and was happy.

The video game sounds could be heard in the halls with Gerald’s door shut as he played on and on seldom stopping except for bathroom breaks and to get snacks. He would rush as fast as he could across the hall to the bathroom to go and then wait when no one was looking and get food and drinks and run back in and play more. He lived for the video games each day, looking online for new ones to play, buying and downloading what he could on a credit card. Each game was more complicated to win, each shooter more violent and gore filled as Zombies died, and Soldiers and Hit Men and Mobsters all at Gerald’s hands. As Gerald sat back in his chair in his room his eyes filled with the colors and pixels of the screen his thumbs and fingers gliding effortlessly across the controllers, smiling and never caring about anything else.

The pressure from the weight and his lack of physical exertion began to get to Gerald each day, slowing his heartbeat down and causing bladder and bowel problems, but Gerald didn’t care much, he wanted to just sit in the dark stare at the screen his fingers and thumbs sliding over the smooth buttons on the controllers and watch pixeled characters on a screen bleed and die left and right as he worked through each map and screen. It was after all Gerald’s whole life now, he knew he couldn’t run and play with the other kids now. Gerald could barely make it to the bathroom 100 feet away and the refrigerator 200 feet away downstairs once a day. He would sneak down when no one was looking with a tray and climb slowly back up the stairs, with the try loaded with drinks and snacks and junk food.

Once a week Gerald would get up and empty the trash when no one was home from his bedroom. Bags of trash he stored like a rabbit storing food, until no one was around and then disposed of them. No one knew Gerald existed except for the fact they kept feeding him food and drink and hearing the sounds of the games in the hallway and down the stairs throughout the house. This went on for a good 5 years and at times only visitors would wonder how Gerald was to his parents, but when they asked to see him, Gerald would tell his parents, he was too busy doing things and the game sounds would get louder. Slowly but surely over the next two years the gaming sounds from Gerald’s room would fade a little at a time. Becoming less and less to be heard from Gerald’s room daily. His own family tended to believe Gerald was fine, because the sounds did keep coming and going on and off and he never ever complained of anything.

Finally, after five long years, Gerald’s family began to wonder how come they didn’t see or hear from Gerald much anymore, what was he doing now a days. Was he really ok in that bedroom of his and why didn’t he come out or answer anymore?

One day, they decided it was time to see Gerald again and make sure he was alive and ok. As they pounded on his door there was only video games sounds inside and no verbal response from him. They knocked harder and harder but no response still. So they tried to open the door to Gerald’s room, and failed not once but three times. Now worried frantically, they dialed 911 for help.

10 minutes later the fire department and police arrived to find out what this was all about, Amazed they listened to how someone wa sin this room and had been for so long no one knew what was happening, with him. They knocked first looking for response like everyone else did, but nothing. They asked for a key to the door but no one had one to let them in. The Police decided to try to break the door down by their shoulders yet it did not budge.

The Fire Department brought in a saw and they cut thru the door to Gerald’s room. They found Gerald who was now 400 pounds and leaning against the door as the door gave the rest of the way under his weight. Gerald died 400 pounds, happy with a tray of snacks, sodas and his video game controller in his hand! Sadly Gerald never bothered with anyone but the gamers online and ate like he did to do so, but he never interacted with real people in the outside world either.

Three days later they buried Gerald McLaney in a piano box, to hold his 400 pound body and before they tossed the dirt over his casket, they threw in his X-Box 360 and a controller!

The Disease- A story of cancer!!!!!!

A shaky little cabin in the middle of a field of wheat, the skies are overcast, the clouds drifting thru as the chill of the October winds, blew through, my jacket and shirt, chilling me to the bone at times. That old rickety, broken down cabin is now only a hundred feet away, as the wheat blows left and right in the winds. What will be there I wonder, it’s been decades since I last came here, to investigate and look around. This old cabin used to be my hiding place as a child, when all else got the best of me I would come here to recover and rest. Gain my equilibrium so to say and get my feet back under me, I think everyone does the same time and again, at least in my world.

I remember as a child chasing brown rabbits across this field in the wind and rain, and never catching one, fast little furry things they are, Are there any still here as I stop and look around under the greying skies, the sun barely peaking around the clouds. The wheat is barely moving today in the field, but straining my vision as hard as I can, I see nothing in the field, except that old cabin, just like decades before. It’s all greyed now the wood is rotted on places, yet it still stands. I wonder to myself as I stare at it, did anyone ever really live here ever and what was it doing out here all alone, all these decades? Did anyone else ever come find it and if so what did they think? I guess, I will never know, I think as I slowly plod my way through the wheat field closer and closer to the cabin.

What memories of I have of this cabin, when nothing would go right at home, or in my family or at school, I would come here and hide and play alone for hours at a time. As I got older I would come to make decisions on friends and girlfriends, things a young man thinks about, if you know what I mean. I would bring my old nine volt transistor radio, and sit on the porch of the cabin, listening and singing to tunes on an old am radio station. No one would be around for miles as I sang country songs to the radio and the woods out here, back then. I find it simply amazing the cabin is still here. It’s been nearly forty five years, since I last laid eyes on the place. Amazingly to me, it doesn’t seem to have changed in anyway, other than the rotting of some boards and the color that went and greyed out over time. I plop down on the old rickety step on the porch and rest now, looking out over the expansive wheat field, I can still remember chasing rabbits, squirrels and watching chipmunks. It’s amazing how Mother Nature filled this field when I was younger, I think to myself, now all is quiet here, peace reigns in its own right. Pleasant yes, but also bleak and lonely it seems to me, but that is why I came here to be alone and think now.

I can think back on all the ones, I cared about who are now gone, taken from me earlier in my life by that deadly disease, and remember back when it first came into my vision hitting the first one I loved dearly. Ah, so many years ago now is 1971, I was still a kid back then, still in High School starting my second year when I found out he was gone. That the disease had taken my grandfather away from us, a man who, we kids, there were five of us, all loved and cared for, and who always loved us. Sadly, 15 is very young to lose a loved one like that and in one way it was good I was young, mom never told me till later he was gone. But Grandpa would be only the beginning of the story when it came to the disease it would hound me, by attacking those around me who I cared for, liked or loved, and still does today. I sit and lean back on the porch now, looking off into the skies, as my hair gets blown around some by the slight winds and my races back in time to the first time I heard of that disease and prayed then as I do now, I would never hear about it again. Life has mysterious ways about it and so does fate and destiny and in my case, there was never going to be a time when I would escape the disease, in one way or another it will stay with me till my dying day too, I am sure.

Taking a breath of chilly October air, I look around studying the old trees and wheat, and sigh a contented sigh my life has been long so far but how much longer can I go on, my fifty-sixth birthday just passed this year. I feel my age as my back aches from my herniated discs and my throat gets a little sore from the chilly air. Fifty six years I have been around, I think, I am lucky for sure I never believed I would live beyond forty, but here I am, outliving many of those who I grew up with and around. My seniors have been gone now for well over twenty years now, every now and then I stop by their graves and think about them, when I do and say hello. It’s amazing, what will flash through your mind as you’re visiting a family member’s grave and staring at their headstones. For some you remember the good times and the laughter, for others the bad times and the tears, but all we experience ourselves, is what makes us who we are through the years. But that is just a passing thought as I sit here and try to review and guess where the disease came from how it got so many of the people I loved and why, and what it all means!.

Like I said the disease first raised its ugly and nasty head in 1971 when my grandpa died and it was the first time I ever heard that word. I was young but knew it was a deadly word and disease, but I was also so young I was a bit careless about hearing it in my family. Youth does that to you, you know, you’re in such a hurry to experience things, and so young you don’t understand everything and time slips on by.

By, 1975 four years later, my High School Years were over and I had decisions to make on what to do with my life for sure, What kind of a job could I find, what should I do in my life came up? And of course, when your one year removed from high school, you have friends and girlfriends too, that effect your decisions, almost as much as your family. So you stop then and think, of what to do next, asking family and friend and evaluate it all, for your own good. It is what we all do, believe me, I think and it is what I had to do. Then the disease raised its ugly head once more in a female friend of mine, not a girlfriend but a good female friend. Her health would go down and come back up, and she survives today, barely, but the disease ravages all it hits doesn’t it. Amazingly, she was diagnosed with the disease at 18, fresh out of high school and still lives today at 57, but her life was never the same, nor can it ever be. That’s the way the disease hurts people, and damages their personalities and overall well-being a little at a time, or sometimes as fast as a racing car at a hundred miles an hour it can run you down and end it. You never see it coming and it does get you in the end unless you’re extremely lucky.

Taking a deep breath now I stand back up and look around once more, the chilly air brushing my hair under the edges of my ball cap around, my nose a little cold. I take a deep breath and turn towards the door to the cabin, staring at it for a moment lost in thought. Then I slowly push the door open and wait a second to see if anything falls or happens, nope, same old cabin still strong enough to stand and hold up some. It’s dark inside, I can’t see a thing, but I am sure, everything is as I left it so many decades before. I light a lighter and look around some the old made up desk, I put together decades ago is still here. Flat wooden top on a few old crates. Funny how some things, last longer than us humans do, I think. I grab the old candle on the desk top and light it and the warm glow spreads throughout the little shed of a cabin. Looking around I find the old chair I found decades ago in the woods, it is only springs for a seat now, but still one can sit on it and I do, whistling to myself at the sight of this cabin still here. I relax and take a breath, enjoying the clear air, but disliking the smell in the little cabin. Yet I know I will stay here a while now, the time has come to rest and leave behind the world if I can. To think over all who have been lost or damaged by the disease in my life, the ones I loved and cared for, the ones who survived and what it all means in the balance of life. Rest in the chair I get warmer now and cover up with my jacket, slowly dozing off now and again, I feel tired now and worn down. Slowly my eyes close, and pop back open and close again, in the in and out of twilight before falling to sleep I think, soon I shall just sleep for a while, I am sure.

Next thing I know, I awaken it is a new day the sun is rising outside as I shiver, and look for a way to get warmer. Up I go and out the door, the sun is bright this morning and the air is fresh, the clouds of yesterday have dispersed and disappeared, it is clear baby blue up there today. Still the cold makes me find branches and wood to build a morning fire, I dig a small hole and make sure nothing is close around it now, piling the wood just so as I enjoy the air and breathe deeply. Lighting the kindling with my old Zippo lighter, I find a rock and sit down next to the fire, warming myself as the flames grow and I feed it more wood. Thinking of what to do out here today, I know I will search for what I buried here many times before in different locations around the cabin site. The writings of mine explaining the attack of the disease on my family and friends and how some survived and others died, they are here I am sure.

Warming myself I grow hungry, and know I need to look for food, I know the area well there are berries and small animals around. I will set a trap or two and then pick berries and gather what I can so, I can eat and keep going. But no matter what, I know being here; I am here to try to avoid the disease that ravaged so many. Whether I can avoid it, or it is already with me is so far unknown, yet I am sure, very sure soon I will know.

Time is a precise thing and we all need to honor it and enjoy it as we can while on this planet. The birds and animals know it too, as well as the fish in the sea I think. They rush each day to hunt and forage and gather and mate, and to do what nature tells us all to do, before we end up gone. Time is indeed, not only precise, it is precious to all living things, we rush through life so fast and somehow, someway, our biological needs make us mate and have children to leave behind a part of us. Funny how, no matter what you do, a straight sexual human has the same drive as all the animals do. Instinct keeps us going, doesn’t it? Yes indeed, it seems no matter what, disease or no disease mankind survives and time marches on. Well, soon I must start my search for the items I hid here so many years ago. I know where they are I just need the energy to go dig them up, they are all childhood memories of course, and I just want them here in the cabin with me. Little treasures I buried as a kid, that I thought important to me, toys, items like a yo yo, and other small things. Little toy soldiers that probably have rotted away, but I will look anyway; it is a way to pass the time, as I think of those ravaged by the disease.

I remember after my grandpa died of the disease, the sadness of my mother and her siblings. How we all, spent time thinking of grandpa and all he meant to us all, and my mother smiling at her childhood memories of him and telling the stories.

Then as time slowly passed on and moved along faster, we all of us as a family, stopped thinking of the disease and what it did to grandpa and moved on ourselves. Funny how that happens isn’t it, someone is dead and gone, you grieve for a while and then they seem to disappear from your memories, only to return at certain times, when little things remind you of them. Such was the way it went with Grandpa back in the 1970s, by the 1980s, life had shown me the disease twice. First grandpa and my then my female friend, one dying and passing away the other surviving, oh yes she did survive and does today, she is thinner the last I saw her, yet she still smiled so brightly and laughed so well. I stop to think, I hope her battle now goes well, with the disease but I haven’t seen her in a long time. And I guess I never shall see her again, but her smile, her laughter, her energy before the disease fills my mind and heart with the joy of knowing her, in our younger days. Time though does not wait for mankind, nor will it ever I was told as a child by my step-father, of course he was correct, when he said to me one day, Mother Nature and Time are old lover’s son, they have an on-going affair, that has lasted forever. And no one will ever stop that love affair and relationship, and we will never be here to see how it ends. So live fully, live happily and love and be good! Someday I will be gone he said to me, and you will live on. I always have remembered that conversation dad, in my mind.

The memories alone make me tired as I finish setting a trap in the field for a meal, and tromp on back to the cabin slowly now. The energy and strength I had to start the day, has been sapped by the memories, the sun and my working on the traps to get food. I stop by and pick some wild raspberries and pile them into my old tee shirt, to take back with me. Munching on them as the flavor explodes in my mouth giving me that taste I do love. The memories of my hideaway little cabin, make me smile inside and just grin as I slowly walk back. Finally entering the cabin, I plop down on the old metal chair now and rest. How I wish I had never heard of the disease, or seen its damages. I fall asleep as my raspberries’ fall out of my tee shirt and onto the floor of the old cabin. Tomorrow is another day I think as I drift to sleep once more, tomorrow will come I am sure.

My third day begins at sunlight now, the sky is crystal clear blue no clouds to be found out there. The air is crisp with its sweet smell of the wheat and trees and flowers around still left at this time of year. The cabin isn’t exactly the greatest place to stay warm all the time in October, so I go gather more kindling and start a fire and add some old logs to it. As the flames burst higher and the heat spreads I warm myself and my hands and slowly stroke my face.

Now I have to go find food once more, at least I am sure of the berries and bushes of them about, so I make a carryall out of the tee-shirt I used the day before and tromp off to the bushes. I pick and pick under the chilly air and bright sky, munching some as I do. Filling the old tee shirt with them all I do so carefully, and carry it gently back to the cabin. Setting it down, I snack on a couple for good measure leaving a fine taste in my mouth and satisfying some of my hunger, but not all of it. I know I need more to eat for my body has its own way of telling me, so I know I must go check my traps I laid out.

As I turn and head back out, the door my mind wanders back to the next victim of the disease, the man who produced me, my own real father. I only met him twice and he lived two states away, but I did meet him. Then one day in 1984 I got a phone call from the red Cross, because I was in the service at the time, my father was dying. Applying for and receiving leave to go to his funeral. I packed up my wife and my child and drove to where it all was held. The disease ravaged my father, in many ways, for he was a big man like my step-father was, 6 feet tall and about 260 lbs. when healthy. What lay in the casket and looked out at us was a man, who weighed no more than 100 pounds soaking wet. His body was gone, diminished like a mountain of sand being swept away by the winds of time. They said the disease ravaged him quickly that year and he went fast within a few months of finding out he had the damn disease. No one knew how fast he went except for his family there in his home, but they say it was painful at the end for him, he suffered, the disease causing pain in every way it could. You can’t escape the disease once you get it and it eats at you from the inside out, leaving you in a shell of a body not worth much for protection from anything. Sadly, that is how my real father went that year!

Checking the traps produced a rabbit for me to eat, big brown one, healthy plenty of meat on him. I grab him up and reset the trap, and carry him back slowly to the cabin, to skin and prepare my next meal. Rabbit is always good fresh, and cooked over an open fire, I used to do it in my younger days here at the cabin, when I hid from the world. Tastes like fresh chicken and is tender as it peels off the bones. I hang my chicken on a wooden stick over the fires and rotate it slowly to cook, the smell itself, makes me want to eat it sooner, but I know it has to be cooked all the way so I wait it out.

When it finishes I let it cool a bit by removing it from the little spit I built, and laying it aside on the little desk top, I cleaned up. Piece by piece I eat it slowly as I think of the disease more and how it is so responsible for some many bad things in my life. I wish I could just wish it away, or find the cure for it and wipe it off the planet, but I know, I can’t maybe someday a Doctor or Scientist will find the cure and save many lives. All I can do is hope and pray for the solution to be found, soon. My body is tired once more as the sun begins to set, but I build the fire bigger and gather more wood for the night to keep warm, then as it roars back to life warming me, I cover myself with the old blanket and slide in the real old sleeping bag I brought along for a night of sleep. The stars above bright in the sky as a quarter moon hangs there and I look up and stare and wonder why the disease was ever, ever, invented or created by God, to destroy so many lives in such a short time. Slowly I close my eyes and pray to god for my soul to keep, as I slowly fall asleep.

Day four at the cabin begins with my awakening, by the sounds of some birds flying overhead in the crisp cold air, and looking for cover, the rain is coming and I can feel it in my bones now the aching has begun, and I know the day will go slower. At least I have left over berries and rabbit to eat from yesterday and I won’t have to leave the cover of this little cabin today. Although boredom may overcome me, I know at least I am alive. I get up and shake off the effects of sleeping, and sit on the old chair it springs creaking under me. Another day is here I think, maybe if the rain stops I can make a spear and go fishing down at the old creek on the edge, we shall see.

Popping a few more berries in my mouth I look out at the rain through the cabins doorway, the rains have begun to fall softly now, coating the wheat in the fields and the trees on the edges. I think about the fishing once more and it makes me think of the next victim of the disease who was taken from me in nine months. It was 1990 when I came home from the service, because of discharge for medical reasons and divorce. My Step-father was a big man originally, he was six feet tall and 280 pounds last I had seen him. On this day in 1990 he was a ghost of himself. A thinner version for sure and hurting in many ways, mom was with him and caring for him then.

I remember him as being a big man with strength, honor, and love, but some violence in him too. Yet, he always treated us kids, well and cared for us, even if he smacked us around now and then to teach us lessons as he called them. The disease had now hit close to home, closer than ever before as we watched dad, slowly fade away each day, being eaten up from the inside out. It would take nine months for dad to die, a slow painful death too. During those nine months we would discuss my broken marriage, my children, our family, and mom and much more. Dad was slowly dying, but he wanted to say things before he could go, at least to me.

I remember growing up with dad he had his ways as all men do, he was taught the hard way so he passed it on to us, it wasn’t his fault it was all he knew. He gave me his IKE jacket when I was younger from the Korean War one day, and told me it’s yours enjoy and wear it proudly, so I did. He took us fishing, and carnivals and fairs and even the World’s Fair once.

The things dad did his singing as he played the piano, his fights and arguments with mom all flash by my mind now as I think how the disease got him too. His being a fan of The Boston Red Sox made me a lifetime fan of them too. He never saw them win a World Series in his life, but I did after he was gone. The quiet conversation he had with me, when he offered to adopt me as his own and change my name. The years of his counseling and talking to me, how he handed me a brand new electric razor, when I signed up for the service.

I shiver in the chilly air as I listen to the rain drops coming down over head the cabin roof barely there, but enough for cover. I pop a few more berries into my mouth and chew as the taste of them spreads throughout my mouth bring some pleasure. Yes indeed, Dad taught me to fix cars, build walls, and fix homes and fish. He even tried to teach me music once I remember now. He gave me a sheet of music and taught me to read it, it took him five minutes he always said and he would always say it with wonder at me. He said I was a natural but I never stayed with it.

I remember many things about Dad, but most of all the quiet little conversations we had before he died watching the Red Sox that summer. 0h Dad told me how the Lazy Boy Recliner, I gave him 30 years before made him happy and how he used it all his life and when I went downstairs that day it sat there, empty. He kept that chair from the day I gave him it to the day he died in the same place right by the fireplace. I used to sit on the couch as he sat in his chair on Sundays watching Football in the fall and winters. Dad, and I always screaming, at the games, picking opposite teams, just for fun, those days are long gone now Dad and so are you, I will always miss you, but you knew that too.

I breathe heavily now and shiver a bit more as it grows more chilly and the rains come harder. My mind wanders back to the day, dad died in the hospital. He refused all cared except pain medication he would only take the morphine they gave him as he wasted away from the disease. I remember it so clearly now, his last lines to me as he sent me away and what happened.

We were chatting that day in his room as he lay in bed, when the pain from the disease flared up in dad. He grimaced and even yes even groaned. Then he held up a fragile finger that I remembered as being so strong before and looked at me. Then he began, “Son, I shall be gone soon, the disease is eating me alive, do not grieve for me for time shall keep moving forward”. He said “The minutes will turn to hours the hours to days, the days to months and years and you shall forget me, but time shall always move ahead”. Then he choked for two minutes with sweat on his brow and finished it all, Live good, live with honesty, live fully and happily, live life to the fullest, do what you want to most and love fully, for time waits for no one”. He finished and choked once more, then turned his head to one side and vomited and dad was gone. The disease had taken one more from my life and who was next.

It would be one year and a day, before the disease would claim its next victim from me. Sadly, I had no idea, until right before dad died who that victim would be. But, I shake my head and grow tired now, munching more berries and then I eat more of my cold rabbit meat from yesterday, and feel more comfy inside. I find my little made up bed back on the floor in the corner and lay down, slowly falling asleep once more.

I awaken the next morning, the sun is shining outside the birds are fluttering by as I open the door and stumble outside for air. The crows this time of year are big and getting ready to fly away now, faster they progress across the sky. The sky is a bright blue once more with a few sparse clouds around and the air is refreshing after being cleaned by the rains, even the pollen count is down I can tell. But I know I need more food to keep going, so I stretch and stretch, moving my aching muscles and bones and begin to feel a little move alive.

Next is my walk through the wheat field, to check my traps for rabbits once more or anything else I can eat. Of course I grab my old tee shirt for more berries and take it with me. Slowly I tromp through the field of wheat, the ground wet from the rains of the day before, as I get to the first trap. Checking it I find no food there, the trap is still set the way I put it, Ah, one to the next I have to go, and in my mind as I slowly walk to the next trap in the wet wheat, I think of the next victim in the disease my mother.

Mom, god bless her soul and heart, was a French Canadian woman, who have streaming black hair and the looks of a beauty in all ways. She gave birth to five of us, four boys and one girl, and had two husbands. She always kept all her kids at least, even though she never had much of a mothering instinct. Mom had her favorites and she showed it over the years and I was not one for sure. Yet it didn’t matter to me, because we were family and that is how it always would be. By 1991, a year and day after Dad died mom followed him the disease ate her insides out, killing her slowly over that year and a day. She unlike dad tried treatments of all kinds, chemo- radiation, and pain killers she used. Slowly she withered away, month by month getting worse, her weight reducing her, hair falling out, mom tried to show a brave front for sure but she knew, oh she knew. The disease had attacked her father before it got anyone else and mom was not stupid but well educated and a Registered Nurse for a career. She knew her chance were very slim and signed a DNR form to ensure not to leave her kids straddled with bills. And mom, I do remember your smile, maybe not your warmth, but your smile, you never were big on hugs and kisses were you?

I stumble and tromp through the wheat field now to each trap, hoping for some meat to eat, but alas the second trap is empty today too. I guess my diet will be berries today, or I can spear fish as my dad taught me. I find a straight hard wood stick and take it with me to the cabin. I sit on the cabin steps and sharpen it slowly on a stone to make a point. At least there is always the stream and fish close by. I stare up into the afternoon sky now as I continue to sharpen my spear for fishing and think of the damn disease it is never far from my mind, for it pursues and eats at an alarming rate. People around the world suffer from it and die each day and night.

Holding my spear in one hand I tromp through the wheat field once more now in the southern direction to the stream. The stream dad taught me to fish in, and told me will always be there. Finding the stream, I look up and down to just make sure no animals are feeding now I don’t have any weapons to stop one from attacking me. I shimmy down the banks of the stream and stare into the running water looking for fish as dad taught me to. Holding my breath and looking for fish, and hoping for a good sized one to eat. There is one, finally, after an hour of searching up and down the banks. I cautiously approach so to not scare it away, and poise myself to spear it and not miss. Suddenly I let loose spearing the fish as fast as I can, and smiling, dinner is served I say, holding the fish up on the end of the spear, and waving to the sky at Dad. He taught me well enough to take care of myself, yes indeed. Taking a deep breath I tromp on back to the little cabin, and start a fire to cook my fish as the sun goes down. Supper then bed I think, the day has been long and I am tired, tomorrow I shall see how I feel. Adding a couple of logs to the fire I build it higher so I can feel the heat and have it to keep warm overnight. Then I grab my bedroll from the cabin and pick a spot next to the fire and lay down now, the stars showing in the sky now, I stare at the stars and try not to think anymore today, and close my eyes. Sleep comes quickly for me now, a day.

After mom died, the disease took a vacation from my life it seems and didn’t raise its ugly head again, until I remarried. The year was 2001, and my new wife was found to have the disease. It surprised us all as she started to feel bad and it came up on tests she had done. The good thing was we found it early, the bad thing is what it takes to defeat it all, no easy job indeed.

We started the battle through periods of chemo, six month worth she faced. Her hair thinned and fell out on me until one day she asked me to shave her head, I cried to see her beautiful hair go away. Then, the radiation treatments for six more months and her barely able to eat anything, her weight going down and hours and hours of sitting at the hospital for me. No way was she going to face it alone I was there every moment, every second, carrying her through. I never left her side that period of time and we actually overcame it all. We had the operation too at the beginning to remove the disease that took twenty nine lymph nodes out from under her left arm. In the end it saved her breast and her life, because we went all the way to New York for specialist to see her, it paid off because she is still kicking today. The disease knows no age, nationality, color, race, or anything else it just eats at human beings, killing them slowly and painfully. It’s a sad, sad, time when someone you love has it and all you can do is pray and hold, on to their memory.

Well the years have passed now and my second wife is still here, alive and kicking and as feisty as ever. Me, well, here I sit in my little cabin in the woods today waiting for the end. I awake and know soon it must all end the pain won’t let me go check my traps, or pick berries all I can do is stare at the pale blue sky. My body won’t move, every breath is pain, the sun rising hurts my eyes. I knew when I came out here it was peaceful and quiet it is why I choose this place to come to, I knew.

As the sun rises my breathing slows down and the pain wracks my body, making me, whimper and cry out loudly. No one can hear me and that is what I wanted. I didn’t want anyone to know the disease finally caught me too, it is eating my insides out and my time has come. Pulling myself up I lean back against my little old cabin and let the disease take its course. I am going to say hello once more to all I loved and lost to you disease, at least in that way I win! The disease that kills so many millions, has me, Cancer won’t let go once you get it! God Bless!