I was asked how I ended up here at Dell Webb Chauncy Lake Condos in Westborough, Mass. I thought about it, and still to this day, I come up with an answer, few would understand or like.

I go back in time to when my deceased wife passed in August of 2021. I asked my sister to come help me, because it was emotionally rough and I did not think I could handle it fully by myself. Now, My sister did come to help me and she stayed until the end and we buried my wife. Then, I was told by my best friend, my sister and her boyfriend, to come to Massachuetts to live, because I would be near my sister. So, my sister and her boyfriend took me into their home, while we cleared my home out of everything and got it put up for sale. Which I believe to be very nice of both of them to do at the time.

I stayed with them for six months as my house was on the market and finally sold and looked for a place to settle here in Massachuetts. My sisters now ex-boyfriend found this 55plus condo community online and I came with my sister to see it, it was new. I thought it over for a while, and then, when things started to blow up between my sister and her ex and her ex and I, I decided to take this condo I am in. It was more of a forced decision, then a real decision on my own, I feltI had to get out of their home. All of a sudden, my sister’s ex wouldn’t talk to me, the tension in the air in the house you could cut with a knife. So, I took this condo and left as fast as I could. Less than two weeks later, my sister broke up with him and sold the house out from under him.

Anyway, I was talking to someone and they said oh, if you don’t like it here, you should sell and get out. My answer is simple I have too much invested in the condo and would never get back what I spent for it, the economy and market is why.

So I live in my 956 square foot condo, alone, walk a lot, read a lot, build puzzles, watch a lot of movies and tv and participate in a few activities here. I play billards one night a week and Mexican Train Dominos twice a week when available of course. But, in the end it is a lonely, isolated life really. So, I go day by day and hang on, once ein a while I go for a ride, or to a doctor or dentist if needed. I shop only when needed for personal items, cleaning items and of course food.

I thought of selling and getting out, but, where would I go, no idea. Plus under the current market, people have tried to resell their condos losing upwards of 60 grand in the deal. I refuse to do that, as I said too much invested to take that kind of loss and I am not young anymore, at 68.

So, I shall try and stay and make the best of it, that I can. Now, that should explain the predicament I find myself in. Yes, there is a senior Center in Town and a Library, and yes, I have been there. The day and age we live in today, has changed many things in the world. COVID, makes people cautious, age is a factor of course, and the dating world is no where near what I knew before I met my deceased wife 33 years ago. The bars and tavern are geared to the 20,30 and 40 year olds. There is no Single Events for Seniors to meet others, and some say well date the single where you live, nope. Wrong answer, you date your neighbors and you will get screwed in a bad way when things go wrong. In almost all cases when couples break up, the man gets blamed and then ostrich sized by all in the community and forced to sell and move. Bad move lol !

So, it is a catch 22 situation for me and I have to live it out, in the best way I know how, is all. The options and choices are very few, so, I make ethe best of it.

Hello, August 13th, 2024, Yes I am still alive and up early once more. Mine eyes have open, and I still breathe, I still can walk and be free. Many blessings have come and many have gone, and somehow I still wake up and carry-on.

I am not rich, I am not famous, I am not the healthiest, but neither am I a blamest. I take the ups and I take the downs, I roll with it all and I carry-on. Life is like a roller coaster at times, but at others there be peace in my soul and mind. We are human, I know I am, I am not perfect, or always right for I am a man. Yet for all, I have seen and lived through you see, I have always found a way, to not hurt others, by being just me.

I do not attack others, I do not put people down, I walk away from people who do it, for those are the ones I do not wish to be around. I shall never understand, why people attack people they do not know, but, I know if they do, they hurt their own soul. You can bully, you can tease, you can agitate and you can appease. Or you can be easy and fun, you can laugh and play and yes even run.

If, I see trouble ahead, I steer a course around it instead. I don’t need the pain, I have had my share, I don’t need people who just are selfish and don’t care. I don’t need anger, I don’t need confrontation, and most of all aggravation. So, I live a live avoiding all of that, if I can you see, so if I walk away from you, and you do not understand, in my book, you hurt me or another woman or man, with any reason or rhyme, and you anger is not longer under your control. It seems, some need to dump their anger on others, to be whole. So, do what I do, avoid them you see, keep on walking away and staying free. Smile at those you are kind, smile about you life and living and joy. Don’t let someone else take you down, for in the end, you don’t need them around.

We all choose how we act, whether to be kind or attack. It’s a choice you see, inside you or me, an old saying says, If you don’t like yourself, you won’t like anybody else. It’s the trueist statement made by human kind, for in the end it’s in your heart and mind. We all have to like who we are first and most, before we can like someone else and the Holy Ghost. Accept yourself and be happy please, let others be themselves and you shall be free. The color of your skin means nothing, the material things you have can be bought and sold, the inner peace you need, you shall find as you grow old. If you don’t, find it my friends, it is because you refuse to, in the end. Let go of the bitterness, and anger you have, don’t toss it at others and make them sad. Learn more each day, laugh as much as you may, help others where you can, and remember, we are are just human.

Many have asked me, why I do not get out more, or get involved in events, or clubs here in the 55 plus community I live in. Originally, it was a a matter of being uncomfortable in large crowds, not being anti-social or as some have called me a drifter or loner. So, since some here in the 55 plus community have asked this question, I figure I should explain it, some.

1. I was born with hyperactivity and attention deficiet disorder, but back in the days when I was young they called it emotional problems. So, I overreact sometimes and other times, under react.
2. Secondly, I suffer from childhood PTSD and Military PTSD, I avoid large crowds also.
3. Depression is apart of me, since my wife passed and I sometimes feel it.

Since my wife passed in 2021, on August 10th, I have stayed to myself and away from people in general, avoided women and again, crowds of any kind. I am uncomfortable under those circumstances, I feel crowded, and that I do not fit in period. I know many will read this and go, he’s just whinning, that is not the case. Just because a person is able to laugh, or smile, and doesn’t look like they are disturbed or upset, does not mean they are not upset. When you grow up as I did, and if you lived the life I have you learned to hide it all well.

Now, I thought after my wife passed, the best thing to do, was to move to a 55 plus community and try to get to know some people and get involved in clubs or groups or events. here in the community. I thought it would be easy to attend some events, be part of a club or two, and slowly, get to know people, and fit in. For me it has been the complete opposite of what I expected.

I have lived here now, since March of 2022, I tried attending a few events, but felt completely out of place. I talk to very few people here. The events are well planned for all to attend, so it is not them, it is me, I feel I don’t really fit in when at them.

I did bowling for a while with a group that was started here, and it was fun for a season. Then suddenly, the day of the week and time was changed and people stopped attending and going to it. I do, play billards on Monday evenings in the clubhouse, but, when the crowd gets too large, I tend to back away, and leave. So, what do I do, is the real question ? Well, some may see me walking when I am up to it, I walk a lot when feeling ok. I read books, I write poetry, stories, or blogs and stay home. When, I am feeling up to it, I may sit in the clubhouse alone, and use my cell phone, to play games. I know many will say the explanation is bullshit or I am just looking for attention, but, that is far from the case. I care not about attention, or praise, I am just me, I have never changed since my childhood. Did ya ever know that kid, who would always be alone, who roamed the woods, or never got involved in much, well that’s me. I guess I have enough experience of being the outcast or alone, that it is now a habit and a part of me.

Some will say, well, you were married twice, two wives, two kids, how did you do that ? I didn’t really my wives did lol ! They met me both under different circumstances, but, they choose me first. I can honestly say, I can count the women in my life on one hand, as far as relationships go, that does not include my mother or my sister. My first marriage went 12 years and my second 28 years, so I must have done something right, but don’t ask me what, lol !

Now at 68 years old, I find myself in this 55 plus community, locked in my 956 square foot condo, on the fourth floor, and leaving it just to go to Doctors, Dentists, or Shopping basically. Some will say, well your lucky you have a nice condo, but how nice is a 956 square foot place, when you look at it like a prison cell, you stay locked up in?

When I attempted to attend events, I felt out of place, then I was encouraged by some to join some groups and have fun, like all the rest. Well, when I did, I was told, first to tone it down, then that I wasn’t playing the game correctly and I called someone by a nickname and they didn’t like it. Hit me with one of those and I get Shakey, hit me with three at one time, well feel like I struck out and won’t come back again. Ok, some will say, oh, you can’t be that thin skinned, don’t let it bother you, sorry but it does. People tend not to realize, what problems others may have, whether physical, or mental or emotional. They just think, well it was a constructive conversation, and they didn’t intend to stop me from attending, but they did. What stops me from returning is simple, fear of harming someone else or disturbing the game or party, or upsetting someone who is there to have a good time. I know, many think I am crazy for saying, but, it’s true, I didn’t attempt to join the group, to break anyone’s concentration, or to not play by the rules or to hurt someone else’s feelings. It was my attempt at trying to be social and friendly is all and I apologize if I did wrong or harmed anyone, or interferred in the group’s fun.

So if you tell me to tone it down, or that I hurt someone’s feelings, or disturbed your game, my solution is simple, I don’t attend anymore. That way you have none of the above reasons to blame me for anything. Simple, it is all quiet for all involved and I am not disturbing anything anymore. You win, simple . Simple explanations, for simple things, and that explains why I do not get socially involved in this community. Add to the facts above, it is like Peyton Place here and everyone pays attention to anything you do or not do and talk abounds. I was taught as child, you want no one knowing your business and no one talking about you, so don’t talk about anyone else. Stay the straight road, and treat others as they treat you and respect your elders. Manners count, ethics count, morals count too. What can I say ?

For those who suggest, I go out to bars or taverns or drink, sorry, I hate alcohol and people in these places get angry easy. I tried that scene on my own in many bars here in Westborough, too many angry folks out there for me. I tried the library, I tried book stores and malls, too. People are not friendly around here in my book. As my step-father told me growing up, you can only bang your head against the wall so long, then, you have to stop and walk either away from it or around it ! So, that is what I do now a days.

Being a widower, when my wife passed in August of 2021, it was hard to bury her and move on. Many of us go through it, whether we are widowers or widows and we all know the pain it causes us. We come up lost, and lonely and searching after a while, for a way to continue on, some of us, just go on dating sites, or start attending events for things to do and hope, usually beyond hope that we meet someone else. In the end though, it doesn’t work for all, who go through it. Many of us, give up after failing numerous times and end up, getting used to living alone. We go to a mode of living day by day and trying to stay alive and survive on our own. It’s normal, ask any person or Doctor, or Grief Counsular. No one says it is easy to do, because it isn’t, you may, run into something, or someone, who makes you remember the one you lost, and that drives depression and sadness. Then you have to regroup, pull yourself together once more and continue on anyway, for you have no choice, for your still alive and here.

I made a choice when my wife passed from breast cancer in August of 2021, to sell the home we shared and choose to move to a 55 plus community, figuring, it would be more accepting of me and easier to get along in and people would understand and give me leeway, while I grieved and carried on. Of course, after moving to the 55 plus community, I attempted a few times to associate with those who live here too, yet, I believe I failed at it, in someway.

The community I live in, tries to create events, parties and clubs for those who live here to participate in and for social interaction. While the events I have seen, have been well put together and many enjoy them, when I attend one, I feel out of place, lost and lonely and walk away. I gave up on the events, because I honestly, do not feel like I fit in at all. I am not a social butterfly of any sort, and I avoid big groups and always have. Then, there are groups or clubs put together, that people start that many like to do. There are art clubs, card games, board games, billards and bowling, at least there was at one time. While I like billards and play weekly, bowling changed after the first year, as to date and time, so I don’t attend that anymore. I try to do the Mexican Train Dominos club for fun, and I used to do it twice a week, but, I now only do it once a week, because I was told, I do not play by the rules, I called someone by a nickname instead of their real name and they didn’t like it, and I was breaking people’s concentration during the game. Now, all I wanted to do was be friendly, play the game and try to enjoy it, instead, I now only do that one time a week. I never intended to disturb the game, or break anyone’s concentration, or not play by the rules of said game, but, it is what I was told I did wrong. So, I stopped going to that group and game on the day and at the time, it happened, so I do not anger, upset, distract, or break anyone’s concentration, that is my way of toning it down, so to say. Plus, the way I felt was simple, I was disturbing the group, and I would never do so intentionally.

So, living in a 55 plus community, for me is lonely, boring and maybe not for me. I have thought about it many times as I sit alone in my condo, reading or watching tv, or as I walk the grounds. I thought at first of selling and leaving the community, yet, at 68 years old and already invested in the property, I do not want to go through that process. I am a disabled veteran, with 6 herniated discs in my spine, PTSD from childhood and military life. I just want to get along with all and enjoy, the best I can.

I live alone as I said, my family that I do have, lives elsewhere and is busy, doing their thing. I never have been a social butterfly and frankly, I am not always politically correct. I am an ex-sailor and military man who served 16 years. Some say, get a pet, sorry, I don’t want a dog or a cat for that matter, they cost too much to care for. Limited budget, is what I live on, so I try to read, write, watch TV, or walk alot. Now and then when I am up to it, I may go fishing just for something to do. But, overall, I find living in this 55 plus community boring and I isolate myself on purpose, for fear of disturbing, angering or upsetting people.

I do not do good in large crowds, and most people do not like me, I am not a winning, fun, entertaining personality. I have no intention of changing who I am either. I shouldn’t have to, is my belief. No I am not religious either, so churches would fall down on my head, if I entered one. So, I have to wonder, what do I do next ? I can only wonder, and wait and see what happens next for me !

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I have come to accept life as it is these days for me. I live alone and venture out only for specific reasons so to say. I walk if I can and when the weather permits and I am capable, I play billards once a week for fun and now play Mexican Train Dominos once a week also. I am not a social butterfly so to say, and I do not hang out at the pool here where I live. I read, I write some, I basically stay alone.

I can not complain really, for I had it all twice over in my life, two marriages, two wives, two children, two lives. I honestly know, we all start alone, and we strive to belong in society and fit in, to be social and to make friends. Been told many times, I am too loyal and yes I still have some friends out there, from my days as a teen. I don’t see them anymore, because I live too far away from them, and I can’t and won’t drive long distances at 68 years old.

Life is about choices, it’s also about voices folks. We listen to voices everyday of people where we live, people we get involved with, people in the news and events that happen. It is called life an dthen attempt to fit in is all. If someone tells me, I disturbed their space or event, or group, I walk away and do not get involved anymore. I am never out to disturb, or destroy anything happening or anyone. Like many others I like to talk, I like to laugh and I like to belong when I can. But, you will never find me insulting,intentionally harming or hurting a woman or a man. I have a full belief in each person being unigue in their own way and having their own opinions.

So, if you say to me, you disturb my concentration, I won;t be there anymore, you say to me I am too loud or boisterous, I won’t be there anymore, you tell me, I mistreated someone and they are upset because I shortened their name, I won’t be there anymore. If I am playing a game with you and you tell me, I am not playing by the rules and dpeople are complaining, I won’t play anymore. I avoid conflicts,I avoid arguments, and I avoid disturbing anyone in anyway I can. I would rather stay alone and be fine, then hurt, disturb or conflict with anyone.

As we age, we all get as humans, set in our ways, some of us can be mean. angry, aggressive, or passive. Some of us, can be overly vocal, and say things we should not say. Some of us will bend over backwards to fit in and destroy ourselves trying to do so. In my case I only bend so far, and only try to fit in, if it doesn’t work I will walk away and let it be.

I learned many moons ago, confrontations, fights, physical or verbal, are not worth the effort. You can’t change a persons mind, heart or attitude, it doesn’t happen. They must change that part of themselves, if they wish to fit in. Each relationship I have been in, I have always been the one to compromise, give in to make it work. And for me compromise is a process of give and take as it should be for all, yet many don’t get that. The other thing I have learned over time now and almost 7 decades is, we all get set in our ways, and don’t wish to compromise. Life goes on whether we compromise or not, that we all know for sure. It’s a matter of, do you wish to fit in, do you care, to fit in. or don’t you? Some have opted to fit in and change to do so, others will never do so. Some are happy, some are sad, some are indifferent and some are mad. As humans, we are a complicated mess as a species, we have different attitudes and emotions, and feelings, each of us. Mankind, asa whole is a mixed ball of wax so to say, when youdon’t match or fit that ball of wax, you are either expelled from it, or you walk away from it. That is life is it not?

We accumulate things as we age also. But, material things can always be replaced, what can’t be replaced is the person we are. I don’t care if you are liberal or conservative, I don’t care if you are rich or poor, I care if you decent, caring, and kind. I care if you treat others with respect. I care if your honest, and loyal.

Don’t come to me and say one thing to my face, and another behind my back. Do me a favor if you don’t like what I say, just say so. It’s better to be upfront, then trying to hide something. At least if it is known, one can walk away, if it is not known, it can fester and grow worse. So do yourself and I a favor, you don’t like me, just say so, and I will walk away period. Don’t play coy, don’t lie, don’t be angry and mad, just remember, we may agree to disagree, and walk away if need be. I hope that makes sense to everyone.

As 2024 moves along, American life is changing, it’sa process we all live with and know well. My only hope is that America will stay a Republic and a democracy, for all time. I fear we may be like many societies and dynasties before us and crumble, like The Mayans, the Aztecs, and the Romans. Each had their own time period at the top of the heap so to say, and each fell and have had to rebuild or disappeared. I hope and pray each day, that America as a society will continue on and get better, but never fall, to Communist, or Authorian ways. Choice is a big part of America, Freedom of speech is a big part of America, religious freedom is too. Other countries watch us, they imitate us, they forge their societies to try to match us, the reason is simple, no other nation, is like America in all ways. If we lose what makes us special, we shall fall. America is still and I hope will always be, the beacon on the hill so to say. And I agree completely with Ben Franklin, who said ” We shall have a republic only as long as we protect and defend it.”

I love history, especially American HIstory and always have. I will say this, the Founding Fathers of America, laid the foundation for all a America is today. All of them, believed in America, it’s people and it’s ways and all of them wanted each of us to have a voice in what we are and can become. I pray daily, America will stay the course, will adjust only as needed, our freedoms do not disappear, and we as a nation and guiding light for others, can survive and keep the promise of it all alive, forever more. these are some thoughts I have had, here in 2024, like I said above, I am now 68 years old. I was born in the 1950’s, grew up in the 1960’s and 1970’s. In my book, we were and still are the greatest generation to hit the country. We had the best of everything, the best food, the best cars and trucks and the best music ever. I said this once in a tavern, and got told I was wrong, I don’t believe that one. What most of America is missing these days is not jobs, it’s not money, it’s not material things, all of those can be replaced over time, what are we missing, well, empathy, caring, listening, the patient parts of life, are disappearing. I just hope and pray, America will be here, for forever more.

Since moving to Massachuetts in 2022 and living on my own I have noticed people, are mean, angry and rude. Now I thought many it was just me, thinking so, but, it isn’t. I know this because as I try to figure out the best way to get along here, I have heard others say it and then found articles on it online.

Now, here is one of the things I found online, not written by me, but by others- read this and you will see-Some say that people from Massachusetts are rude for a variety of reasons, but not all Massachusetts people are rude and mean:

Sports: Some say that being proud of sports teams or watching professional sports can make people irrationally angry. 

Sense of entitlement: Some say that people in Boston behave as if they are the only people in the world and lack common courtesy.

Lack of self-awareness: Others say that rudeness stems from a lack of self-awareness.

City-dwellers: City-dwellers tend to interact with more people than those in rural areas, and some say this can lead to perceptions of rudeness.

Road rage: Some say that road rage is a common rude behavior in Boston.

Cutting lines: Some say that cutting lines is a common rude behavior in Boston.

Another Person said this-I lived in MA for over 60 years. I always wondered why groups and clubs seemed a bit cliquish. It was very hard to make friends. People would pretend they like you, exchange numbers and you never hear from them unless you make the first move. In some cases I felt like I didn’t belong. Try going to a place like Whole Foods. Most of the time you’re just another customer. If you say something to someone, they ignore you.

I have been saying this for two years now about Massachuetts people and people tell me I am full of shit, the people above have live here most of their lives. Sadly, I can now say I am not alone in feeling this way. The real question is why, and how does one overcome it? Lets see, Westborough and the Bourghs around it are all family orientated, Boston is 33 miles from me, and while a nice city, it’s people are again somewhat put of fish and rude at times. Then they say go into Worcester and try that, I have seen people there too who act that way but not as much. So, do you talk to people here or don’t you? Do you avoid politics and religion or what? What subjects are safe, is it Sports, Red Sox, Celtics, and Bruins and Patriots? I find most Massachuetts people to be what they call themselves in many ways Massahole’s rude, indifferent and crass. why is it? The few I have met who are kind of friendly and will talk to you are in the hospitality field here in Massachuetts, for they know, they make their money that way. How, does one actually, make friends here, I have yet to figure that one out ? Then, they complain they can’t get dates if single, divorced or widowed. Well, Massachuett’s people, if your so set in your ways and unable to communicate with others, rude and crass, and mean, of course, no one is going to like it or you. Being kind is a way to go, but, kind and nice gets you shit upon too and taken advantage of, so what’s one to do? Tell, me people of Massachuetts, what’s the deal please !