I remember Christmas as a kid as a holiday when my parents blew their lid, I know it sounds strange and it sounds so silly, but it was always the time of year when things seemed to go wrong. As other families were gathering in abundance and groups, our family was preparing for stress, tension and what came to be expected the usual screaming yelling and fighting times. Guess my parents were not the normal at all, although for me it seemed they were, it was what I learned to expect, and they never failed at giving us.

Well, this is about one Christmas I can remember when things were slightly different than normal and the holiday was really a holiday instead of a battle ground. The Holiday Season began for me that year with my seeing the lights and trees lit up in the stores and the snow falling lightly on us all. It was the first year I had money to buy my siblings and parents presents on my own. And I was determined that it would turn out to be a happy holiday.

I remember buying small presents for my siblings first and hiding them away one at a time, then came the bigger presents of course, for my parents and they were always hard to figure out as to what to get them. As the snowy season began I, searched in earnest for special gifts for each one. Knowing my time was going to run short if I didn’t hurry along I rushed through the mall searching store by store. Not finding much I really thought they would like I stopped and a light went on. I knew what dad needed, and figured out the cost and bought it anyway. I wandered into Lazy Boys showroom one winter day and saw it. A lazy Boy recliner all brown leather and shiny and new. I sat in it once that day while shopping for it. Then I ordered it to be delivered on Christmas Eve, the price was well over 200 bucks back then and I shelled it out no problem.

Then I had to figure out the hardest one to get anything for, mom. What do you get a mom who tells you, I don’t want anything, don’t bother? Well, I searched and searched through malls and stores and I looked and looked. When I was almost out of time I came upon it in a Michael’s Jewelry store. I stared through the window at the shiny ring and knew what I had to do. I rushed in and talked to the sales person, I gave him five birthdates of all of us kids. I had him assemble a silver ring with five birthstones, one for each of the birthdays of us kids. From left to right the ring carried the stones for December, January, September, June and July. It costs me over 300 bucks but I got it anyway.

Christmas Eve approached, and my parents were working, I ran down and got mom’s ring and waited for Dad’s chair to arrive. When his chair came in I had them set it in place by the fireplace, it would stay there for the next 25 years. I hid mom’s ring under the tree in the living room, just so I knew where it was and no one else and wrapped a red ribbon around Dad’s new chair before I went to bed. Amazingly for the first time in my life, that Christmas Eve was the only one I slept through till morning with no noisy fights awaking me; it just seems to be that memory for me. I slept soundly that night and it is the only Christmas Eve I think I ever did.

Christmas Morning was all white and snowy when I awoke. I looked at my bedroom window and smiled at it all. I dressed and ran down stairs and grabbed a shovel and dug the walkways clear. Then I came back in to await everyone waking up. I grabbed a bowl of cereal and waited.

By, 8; 30am everyone had awakened one by one and my siblings rushed down to see what they were getting. Dad stood by the Christmas tree and handed out the gifts and winked at me. He came over and gave me a big bear hug and said thank you for his chair. He then handed all the presents out to everyone slowly. When he finished he found the little box in back under the tree stand where I hid it and handed it to mom. I watched her take it in her hand and smile suddenly. She sat back on the couch and opened it slowly finding the dark blue velvet box inside, she looked up and smiled at dad, who looked back and shrugged his shoulders. Mom looked at him and said you shouldn’t have, Dad looked back and said I didn’t, someone else did.

Finally, after a brief pause, Dad points to me and said it’s from him. Mom paused a look of misunderstanding crossed her face and she just shook her head slightly. Then she looked down and opened the little blue velvet box. Inside bursting in silver and colors, she found her mother’s ring with five stones one for each of us. Her eyes teared up and she put it on and thanked me for the gift. The year was 1974, I remember it well indeed. I was a whole 18 years old.

The years passed and time flew by since then and it was then 1990, when I came home from the military. I came home to a situation of my dad dying of cancer with months to live and finding out before he died that mom was dying of the same too. I spent time with Dad that summer watching the Red Sox on TV, when he stopped me one day as he lay in bed, and looked me dead in the eye. He said son that Lazy Boy Recliner has always been the best present I got from any of you kids, thanks. And he never said another word about it till then, or after that moment, when he died that October his recliner was still in place by the fireplace.

One year and a day after dad died, mom was lying dying in bed at my sister’s home, and the cancer had ravaged her. As I stopped in to see her I knew she would die soon. Mom couldn’t talk anymore she had no strength left that day. But in her own way she said thank you for her ring too, as I reached out to hold her hand as she died; there on her finger was only one ring. Her wedding band was gone so was her engagement ring, but one ring remained. There shinning on her finger was the mother’s ring I gave her so many years before. She died wearing it proudly.

So, as Christmas now approaches again and the chill starts to blow in, I stop and look out my window at it all, and feel warmth deep inside. The warmth comes from knowing that for one bright, snowy Christmas morning in 1974, I reached and touched the hearts of my parents and it stayed with them till their dying days. I tell everyone today each Christmas that goes by, it is not what you receive for Christmas that counts, it’s what you give that lasts. That’s the importance of Christmas!

As November 2010 comes to a close today I stop and think about some issues that involve the american people. We are still straddled with the Bush Tax Cuts for the rich and no action has been taken by Congress. If they don’t do something middle America will be looking at the biggest tax increase in history. Call you Senator or Congressman folks get them to move their asses on this.

Also Unemployment Insurance is running out for thousands of Americans each day now, people are hungry and homeless in America. Tell Congress to extend the benefits so people can survive longer.

 

Next a note to all News Angencies on Television and radio and anywhere else, stop being idiots and pointing out to the enemy how to attack America or it’s bases. Why do you all insist on telling terrioist how to attack us, and show them how to make bombs and more right on your news casts? Are you stupid or what?  Like they need any help in inventing how to blow up people or places in the world, it happens everyday, try to catch them, but don’t give them info on how to do it all ok!

Finally for the final day of November 2010, a shout out to Congress and The President of the United States, lets get together and compromise please. If you don’t compromise, it isn’t  congress  or you Mr. President who gets hurt it’s the american people!. Stop bickering like children in kindergarten or old ladies in the laundry room, and lets compromise and agree to disagree, but still help the people please!

A new day begins as a new week begins also, and we come closer to December. Hard to believe 11 months of the year will have passed by on Wednesday. Christmas is now 30 days or less away. The buying will begin soon for presents and money will fly that many do not have. Amazingly Americans will find a way to beg, steal or borrow to buy christmas  decorations and presents for one another, even though the unemployment numbers are high as hell.

Jobs are hard to find and many americans struggle to pay their rents and utilities and to eat. Sadly the economy has not perked back up as suggested it would by many people. What is the key to the American Economy?

Well, I don’t know for sure across the broad spectrum of America exactly if it is like here in Connecticut or not. Here in Connecticut we have a over abundance of blue collar factory workers and no factory jobs. When you have this problem of so many blue collar types out of work and all you bring in for jobs are white collar jobs well, it won’t work folks.

To solve this problem we need to rebuild our manufacturing base and find the positions to employ the blue collar workers or  we need to reeducate the blue collar workers and make them white collar employees. But even if that is possible, there will never be enough white collar jobs to support this many out of work blue collar people.

We need innovative, intelligent, inventive people to create new products, so we can build new factories to make new blue collar jobs. You can’t let so much blue collar talent just die out, can you?

 

As we close in on December and the Holiday Season begins all over again, I only wish and hope things will change. Although I must admit I have a doubt it shall change because Americans pulled the rug out from under the current administration by elected back into office the opposing political party and giving them control of the house. All you have done America is now create gridlock in Washington and nothing more shall be done to make any progress now. But like one person said long ago, you can only lead a horse to water you can’t force it to drink!.

As Sunday begins, there is always one more thing to do before the Holiday weekend ends. A Visit to the little twins for the holiday is always a treat to do. SO they be next on the schedule for this Sunday.

Thanksgiving always seems to be a long Holiday time, since it usually starts the Wednesday before with cooking and goes on thru to Sunday with final visits and such. But each moment seems special in it own unique way.

The NFL will be back today, and I won’t be watching it much, due to not being home. BUt it shall be there come Monday night and next week too so, family first always.

With the Holiday Season now upon us we have plenty to be thankful for for Turkey Day and the coming Christmas too. Grandchildren abound all around it seems and many have none I hear.  I am lucky indeed for I have been blessed with seven of them and each is unique and different in a good way. All smile and laugh and play and live happy lives, thank god. The greatest pleasure a grandparent gets is watching their grandchild show skills they know came from their own family. And it is always a pleasure when a grandchild gets what they wanted most for Christmas and says thank you with a simple kiss and hug. Ah the joy of Christmas about to come is not the receiving but the giving and seeing the happiness and smiles. As the Christmas Season starts folks, lets be thankful for all we have, for where we live, the freedoms we have and to be alive and with family and friends. Remember it’s never what you get, it’s what you give that counts. Give love, give caring, give understanding and use patience too. In the end the love you give will come back to you.

When you stand back and watch a boiler man work the burners during a drill or a deployment, the intensity and tension can build. The heat level in a fire room aboard a naval ship is intense at times, in warmer climates, it can reach 120 degrees, yet that burner man must sit and stare at those fires, in case they do go out. He sweats as he stares through that glass view port, hoping the fires will continue to burn, the front of that boiler a few feet from his face, the air register flapper valve stands in the open position and the fuel valve is wide open. On a 1200 pound- D-type boiler six burners can blaze at once. In the background he can hear the pumps and blowers whine and the steam reducers hiss. He stands under the fluorescent lights as they stay bright, his feet in his boots hot, and against the metal deck plates, with diamond shapes in them. His hands and body become a blur of motion if the boiler fires should go out. His job is to secure the boiler front as fast as possible, I know I lived it. The call for more steam by the bridge to feed the engines can come at any time, and he must stand at the ready.

He stares at the burners or he read his manuals of operations and emergency procedures. He has to know all the reasons a boiler may go out and why and what to do. Where is the emergency fuel cutout, the upper level man watches the blowers and pumps and water levels if they go low, emergency shutdown can commence. The burner man must be ready. What do you do for high water, low water, ruptured tube, loss of feed pumps or any other vital equipment. Ruptured fuel lines , loss of fuel pressure and so many more. The men on the deck plates must be ready. These Boiler Technicians are vital to the ships the Navy has, and they are the blood and strength of the Navy in more ways than one. They are the primary Engineers without whom no steam driven ship can move, nor can the Navy fight without.

As a burner goes out this burner man reacts quickly pulling emergency fuel stops, closing registers and fuel valves and stopping the oil from flowing into the firebox of the boiler. His body and forehead soaked in sweat as the heat rises in the fire room, because there is no steam to power the generators now and the air vents go dead. By the time the burner man finishes and drops the six burner barrels on the deck plates, his body aches and the sweat drenches him. Yet, as soon as the reason for the shutdown is found and fixed he stands ready to do it all again. Yes sailors do complain and yes they get angry when things go wrong, but, in the end it is the man on the deck plates, that burner man who makes sure no one dies in a fuel explosion or worse. He makes sure his ship does not stay dead at sea as a target for an enemy, missile or torpedo.

I know this burner man, this man who did this and kept his ships moving and did the job well. He paid his price in the end, due to a fall down a ladder of 24 steel rungs. But he survives each day knowing he did what was right, with 6 bad discs that make it hard to sleep at night. And if you see him, walking through a store or down the street one day, and he is stooped or walking funny, don’t laugh at him, he is a Disabled Veteran today and proud he served the USA.

The End

Today is November 27th, 2010 and the new Christmas Shopping Season has been in full swing now for almost two weeks.Hard to believe right, what ever happened to waiting until December for this to happen. The stores are all decorated and lite and the sales began in earnest it seems, do these retailers really believe the American People will spend more money is you have more sales over longer period of time?  If so they may find themselves sin for a rude awaking this year. The unemployment numbers are not changing much and jobs are hard to find, money is tight and the American dollar does not go as far as before. Wake up folks the average American is now in greater debt then ever in history and the American dollar is at the lowest point it has ever been at or worth. Ah no one listens anyway anymore, it is no longer a we against the world attitude in the U.S.A. it is now the me, me, me generation sadly.

Ah it is like I told one car dealer and repair shop. you consolidated your three dealerships into one and now it takes three days to get fixed what used to take just one and it costs us more too why?  Its the American solution to everything shrink it down and combine it and it will save us money as a business right but not the consumer that’s for sure.

Ah, that’s life I guess. As time flies by I have come to realize I am now getting older and feeling it more. My body aches in places it would never have before and old injuries slow me down. New injuries pop up as do illnesses that stop me from doing what I want. But most of all  changes do happen more often then not it seems.  But I rant about injuries, Veteran’s Benefits or lack there of and more on a daily basis but few listen to me, I am the little guy on the totem pole so to say.

Interestingly, recently I had a conversation with a friend about the Obama Presidency that disturbs me. I asked a simple question, how can the American people elect a President and give him two years to correct a mess it took his predecessor eight years to create? It won’t happen folks, and never could. I said this before and I shall say it again, President William J. Clinton left office and we were billions in the black and healthy, President Bush took over and 8 years later we are now trillions in debt instead of billions in the black, and you all want Obama to solve this mess in 24 months, no way. Wake up America!

As Thanksgiving came to an end last night, I sat back and smiled at the fine meal we served up and the company we kept. Family is everything on holidays amd those were who we had around. We ate like kings demolishing the food the best we could, and stopped for a bit and took a break playing video games on Kinnect for X-Box360. We all looked silly doing it but had a ball at it too. We Table Tennised and Bowled and River Rafted and more for hours. Stopping now and then for desert and drinks and laughing at each other as we played away the day.

Now with Thanksgiving behind us we prepare for Christmas next. Scheduling the shopping as the stores start popping with people buying for those not crying will be fun I am sure. Not everyone will get what they want for the holiday come Christmas Time, but at least when done they will all know they were on our mind.before you sit back and complain, remember Christmas is the joy of giving more then recieving so give what ya can is all I say.

Holidays will come and they will go, but it is family and friends who stay that count. Let The Holidays begin is what I say!.

Thanksgiving has arrived for 2010. The birds chirp lower now, the chill has arrived in the air, the leaves all fallen in colors once so bright and not too soon will come Santa’s night.  This is the time of the year the holidays all start, it is filled with food, cooking, family and heart. It’s a time to gather and relax, be your self and enjoy family and friends. Be Thankful for the life you have, be thankful for family and friends and beginings and ends. Be Thankful for the ones who love, be thankful for once having the ones who are now above, but most of all be thankful to give for it is a way for all who live.

The politicians all roar, the crimes seem to soar, money is tight, yet we all manage to do our holidays all right. Fot those who can’t or don’t have I hope the things we share will make them glad. In a country so full of material, and wealth, it is a shame we have homeless people and those hungry out there. As a nation we stand tall helping all other nations after all, but shouldn’t we now stop helping so many others and start helping our own. We ship food and water and materials every where, everyday, yet our own people and country suffers I say. Lets stop paying to defend others countries, lets stop spending funds we do not have, let bring it all home and help our own and no I am not mad. If we backed out of the wars we fight for others and just protect our own country the billions we would save would be enough to feed every American and house them too here at home.

Seems America’s economy may recover but will take longer then all thought. The economic advisers and politicians and more are all holding their breath and waiting like the rest of the world. Can the USA come back one more time like it did after the Depression in the 1940’s? Yes we can folks, if we are willing to make some sacrifices. Turn down you furnances a few degrees, drive a little less, buy a little less and help get your country off of its knees. America can’t keep spending what it does not have, we need to budget it and cut costs!. Everyone wants to blame President Obama for the economic mess we are in and they wanted him to turn it all around in two years, well not possible folks!. You can’t dig a hole for eight years under a Republican President and then elect a Democrat and say fix it in not even a quarter of the time!.  Again I state,  it took President Clinton 8 years to put us in the black and billions ahead, then it took eight years under President Bush to destroy what Clinton did and bury us in trillions of dollars of debit. Now how the hell do you think President Obama will turn it around in two, he can’t no one can in that short of time. Get off of his back and give him a chance!

The day before Thanksgiving has arrived, the day of rushing about and making sure all is bought for the big meal and  good  times. It is to be a day of celebration of being thankful for all one has, and enjoying the time with family and friends. Sometimes we all, assume others will be with us and take them for granted, yet find out at the last minute they are no longer with us. To those families who have that sudden loss, time shall heal all wounds including these.  So, enjoy the holiday with the ones you have and be thankful for being alive.

As to me, I survive as do my loved ones in many places, even my ex-loved ones. I do my daily bit when possible and make the best of what I can. I have my own little projects daily like any man or woman and take my time to do them right. My latest project was making a wooden deck walkway to the basement apartment in my home. The land here is sloping in two ways and I had to dig out the  area and level it, that took time in and of itself. Then there was the building of the frame to fit the space it went into and of course it has weird angles on each end. Nothing is easy around here. Anyway once the frame was  together and in place the top decking boards had to be screwed on. The walkway is now functioning perfectly and looking good.

The runs to the stores never end it seems around this time of year, first is the Thanksgiving foods and drinks and the decorations too. Then after you clean up from Thanksgiving and run your dishwasher like crazy, you face the next Holiday Season to come, Christmas.  Now not everyone celbrates Christmas others call it different names of course but it is a time of family, love and giving and sharing that makes all smile no matter age,race, color or anything else. The stores put up the ads and sales and away we go buying for one another and giving, Some budget amounts for each person, others just buy, but on the holidays morning, we all share a smile, a laugh, a hug, a kiss, and most of all a feeling of not having missed the loved ones we still have alive.  That is what is important, not what you get or give, the materials are nothing, the family and loved ones are all.

So as the Holiday Season starts in full swing this 2010 year, lets all send thanks and high hopes to all for whom we care. Smile and share and live without fear, for you can only have it once a year. Don’t drink and drive or do drugs, cut back if you smoke so you don’t choke, and smile more my friends. For one day as we all know, we all must up and go, so while here have fun and enjoy and live life to the fullest.

Passing On

“ Ahhhhhhh…….. , the long road of life has been so nice, but the bumps along the way, they push one through each day!” said, I to my youngest grandson.

Sitting back in my rocker on my porch in the warm spring air I realize it is really me, and how fast life does pass by. The sun glows this spring morning as the dew slowly slips from the trees and flowers. I stare out at a world that has been good to me but, bad to me too and wonder how I got this far, so soon.

The struggles one has to go through to survive and be alive can be unbelievable for some and for others no struggles really exist. Maybe it is just the luck of the draw to have rich parents and get everything for free? The better half of the equation may be to have poor parents and to grow up with less so you learn how to get what you want and need? The thought rests in my mind as I take a breath of the morning air and look down at the youngest grandson. Wonder, what do I have to pass to you little one. What is the most important thing a grandfather can leave to his grandchild? Is it money, is it materials, is it writings and books, old photographs maybe. I think not as I watch him play in the morning sunlight, the sun bouncing off his golden blonde hair. I think the best is to teach you to share! Share who you are with the world little one, and they will share what they are with you.

Leaning back in my rocker, I watch the little one play with his trucks and cars, dreaming in his way of reaching for the stars. I can remember when that was me so many years ago. Now I watch him playing, and hope for his own good he takes it slow. Enjoy life little one, take your time and have fun. Make the most from each moment you are here, but always remember to care and share.

My grandson looks up at me and asks, Grandpa, “What makes the world go round?” Laughing I rock back in my chair and tell him” Son, the world goes round due to forces of nature and science, but what really causes it to spin?” Well, that comes from all of us deep within.”” Without the lives we live and without the interacting of take and give, the world might stop”, take it from your old Grand Pop!

Back to play , cars zooming across the porch, his smile bright as a ray of sunshine, yes grandson keep having fun! I watch and think back and know, he already has had it better than me, or my children had it too.

Teaching a child how to play or do something is vital to their life, and you pass on what you know and did to your grandkid. We all do it sooner or later I think to myself, leaning back in my chair, as I hold my pipe by its bowl and strike a match.

Lighting up slowly I inhale the taste of cherry tobacco and relax again. The smoke wafts across the porch over my grandsons head, bringing a smell of cherry tinge to the air. Ah yes I think, little one you have to be taught to share, to care and most of all for you to be there for family.

He rolls his truck over the boards and stops suddenly and grabs the next little car and catches it up and then the next, lining them all up in a row. Yes little one that’s how life shall go, line it all up in a row. Iif something falls out of line, make it up and carry on for all time. If pain shall come as it does for all, stand up and be counted and stand tall. A little pain will make you stronger little one, it did my father, and it did me and even my son you see. Each of us suffers in some ways I think to myself puffing on my pipe and watching him play. Yes, a little suffering happens to everyone, someday, you will have to be prepared for that too.

Smoking my pipe I hear the birds chirp around me and feel the air growing warmer now in the spring. Birds start to sing and it warms a bit, the flowers are out now and the leaves all green.

Ah, looking at my grandson, I know what you need to be taught, that life is not always what it seems. Knowing he will learn as I did too, that not all kinds of good things just keep happening to you. There will be times you will have to do without little one, you will have times when you have to fight and run, and there will be times when you fear all or no one. These things happen to all of us, I think to myself, I hope your prepared for them little one.

Puffing on my pipe, I smile as he keeps his line of cars and trucks all in line and drives them like he has a lot of time. It makes me think he will have to learn that time stops for no one and the world keeps on turning too. Taking, another puff I think on this one, how do you tell a child so young that someday his time shall also come? Do you tell him about life and death or comings and goings? Do you tell him how people you love disappear suddenly and don’t return, how do you tell one so young that which he must learn?

I stop and think of all the lessons I learned as a child, but I can’t pass those on, The world has changed and they will have to be passed on in a new way. Rocking slowly back and forth I watch the little guy play, he hums and laughs and smiles so bright, and makes me as his grandpa feel so right. I want only good for him and his cousins and all the family. I hope the lessons he learns will be good for him, instead of the bad ones like I had learned.

I stop and stare, ah the bad ones, yes more than one for sure. Thinking back I think of my first vivid memory of my mother, her slapping me across the room at five, for not holding still for her to dress me for school. Ah no he won’t get that I am sure, or how my father told me, he would shoot me and bury me in the ground and not care one bit, no I know he won’t get that for sure.

My mind wanders back as I watch him play, I hope you get taught and brought up a better way. You don’t need your feet burnt on a stove to learn not to steal cookies; I pray you never get woken at night and beat senseless without any reason why! I pray you will have it better my grandson, for I worked all these years trying to stop the cycle of violence, so my grandkids would never see it or feel it.

Rocking slowly I think about how the holidays were never holidays but fights, how the silverware flew and the Christmas trees too, I close my eyes, the smoke slowly releasing from my lungs, and pray, Dear God Protect him, for they do not know.

Looking at the littlest guy he’s the youngest, he plays and laughs and giggles and then makes roaring sounds for his truck. I pray he will have siblings who share and who care and watch him closely too. Unlike the siblings I had, who never gave a damn about me or you. Off they ran doing their own things, and leaving me behind, I hope and pray for his young sake, his siblings will be closer and better than mine.

Rocking back and forth slowly I chuckle at his play and happiness and hope he will always be that way. I know it can’t always stay that way, as I learned. Will he be ok when he finds his first love as I was, or will he have trouble? I won’t know I am sure, but I am hoping he will have friends and siblings to discuss it all with. Will he know what love really is and lose it; will he have what he needs?

All I can do is rock and remember my first love and what she meant to me. I hope his will be gentle and kind and have those quiet talks and loving times, when the sweet caresses that are shared are innocent and pure, and two young people find their way, to share a blessed moment one night.

Will his first kiss be a memorable one, like the one I had, way back in time? Will he kiss his first girl and know it is right, will he be patient and do it all right? I don’t know for I may not be here, but what is it that I must share?

Do I tell him what my father said to me, be ready, save and watch for anything that can happen. The warnings my father taught me to watch for the money flow that slows, the wife that pulls away, the car that can break down almost any day. Will he know and be taught to save his money and be ready for a season, like the bears who store honey? I know not for I am growing old, but I do know even now, he will always be bold.

Rocking slowly now, I smoke my pipe; ah I do hope you do have a better life.

A door swings open and out they come now all seven grandkids start, to run. They spread across the yard yelling and screaming to one another, ah they are sister and brother.

My daughters have done a better job then I and my wife at the time, did, for these are children, who enjoy being a kid. They laugh, they play and they love, you can see as I stand here on my porch watching them from above.

What a pleasure it is to be so young, all that energy and nothing to really get done. I do remember those days myself, as I watch the littlest one join them all like an elf. He chases ,he runs , he laughs and smiles, but watching them all, I see each kid has their own style, They dress all a little different yet the same, and but never once do they leave anyone out of their game. They all play together in happiness and joy; I wish it were that way for me, when I was a boy.

Back to my rocker I go to sit, lighting my pipe as I feel the pain from my hip. Leaning back I watch as they all play, my breathing getting slower in a way. Relaxing and smiling at all I can see, when suddenly a feeling of contentment overcomes me. I smile and eye each child in turn, and hope that each one will grow and learn. I lean back in my rocker now, and feel it all inside. With a sigh and a smile, I drop my pipe to the porch, and lean back breathing harder. My time has come and I must go, but I hope as I do, that each grandchild knows, I love them so.

My lungs hurt so and the pressure in my chest gets worse and I sigh out loud, slumping in my rocker. Opening my eyes in pain, I see the little guy, looking up at me as he starts to yell and scream. Suddenly I see him no more, I can hear his cries, and want to wipe his eyes. but my body doesn’t respond, my breath is ragged and the pain severe.

My daughters, I can hear them screaming, but it is all I hear, I think well at least now I know they care. My body aches now and I can’t move all I can do is hear the screams and crying.

The last thing I hear is my oldest daughter, her cries seem loudest to me, but I can’t reply, but I can hear the fear in her voice, as she says, Daddy goodbye!

Time has passed I awaken in a hospital bed. There surrounding me are my daughters and their children. Unable to talk, I look around the stroke has taken my voice away.

Looking once more, I see the littlest one, his eyes red and full of tears. He is crying, then suddenly he turns to his brother and hugs him close and I can hear him, he whispers to his brother, “it will be ok, grandpa is fine’.

I turn as a nurse comes in and I see and hear her say “it is time for more tests”. I look back as they wheel me down the hallway and there is the little guy, comforting his siblings and yes even his mother! I am rushed down the corridor and all flies by in a blur, I think I did it right he shares and cares and shows it. I did pass on what I wanted to most! The sharing and caring for his family and being there is all intact. I drift off to sleep in the operating room, as the mask is put over my face.

The next day, I awoke in pain but alive. Waiting for me as I did, were my daughters, and my youngest grandson. I manage a smile and wave hello, thinking to myself, I did pass on the caring and sharing and the sense of family, it worked. And I didn’t have to pass on in another way Thank God.