Stages, and The downslide of life!

There are stages in life, stages we do not pay much attention to and others we do. First is birth, when we come into the world and our asses are slapped and we begin to breathe, and we cry. Then we are taken home by the woman who gave us birth and raised by her and either the father, or the man she prefers to live with. As we grow and learn we are taught to love others, we are taught what family is, we are taught right from wrong, manners and more.

We then reach the age where schooling takes over, they teach us reading, writing, math,science and more. Then we age a little more and bam, we notice the opposite sex, or the same sex and the hormones so to say take over. Sex becomesa drive we all live thru and carry with us, for a majority of our lives. As we age high school teaches us more and how to interact with others. They try to prepare us for maturity and workingf or a living and making it in society. Then, we find ourselves and end up in relationships, if we are lucky, some of us find destructive ones other ones that are good for us.

By, the time you hit your thirties, you are settled into a job, and for most a place of your own to live. Responisibilioties are with you by then, you have a job, a family of your own, bills to pay. We slowly striggle through it all and settle in pretty well by our forties. Most do anyway, but then we have seperations, divorcies people suffer thru, of course and many do so and survive.

By our fifties, we realize we now own our own homes and have paid almost all of our bills down. We settle into routines with our partners, and we know each other well enough. We come to depend on our partrners to communicate, to listen, to discuss and to interact with one another well. We grow accustom to each other and we are now ready to enjoy our senior years. For many, it works out just that way. Not for all though.

Some of us, like myself, lose the one they love in the end of their fifties or like me in their sixities. Now, I must admit, when my wife died in August 2021, I was lost, scared, afraid and it is still the same today 20 months later. In my generation, life was different and we did things differently then today. There was no online dating, there was no Woke Movement, we interacted in person and actually talked to one another. Of course, because of many differences over my life, I was married for 28 years, I have no idea how dating works these days, and I shy from trying to find anyone, no matter how alone I may feel or be. I was married twice in my life and in the end, I never did learn to flirt. I can honestly say I can count the relationships I have been in on one hand. I am not a social butterfly, or stud. Never have been and guess, I shall never be.

I do not have ahigh opinion of my looks or myself. Never have. yes i know what I have accomplished in life, but I do not brag on it, nor talk about it. I served my country 16 years in three different branches. I had dropped out of High School and went back to get an Eqivancy Degree to enter the military. When I left the military on a Medical under Honorable Discharge, I ended up going to college and graduated, witha 3.7 average and a Hotel Managaement Degree. I have written stories, books and poems. Two of everything is what I did basically, I had two children, two marriages, two cars and more. Yet none of it means a thing to me, unless there is someone to share it all with.

When you finally find yourself alone, due to the loss of the one you love, you struggle to carry on alone. at least I have and to be honest, without my wife, I am facing the downslide now alone. I know it is the downslide for many reasons, health, mental and physical. I am slower in motion and slower in reactions. I am more afraid of women, then ever before in my life. I don’t tend to trust them, and constantly see them as wanting something from me, whether it is money or material items. While many have a tendency to tell me I am a decent looking man and I should have no problem finding a woman to share life, I know it will not happen for me. it doesn’t matter if I have an attraction to a woman or not. I know I shall not make any attempt or approach, because no woman wants an old man, like me. Even those my own age want younger men. SO I have have surrendered actually to the facts and know I shall die alone. I have lived my life, and my only thought is, I hope when I do pass from this earth, I am remembered asa decent man, one who served honorably, one who loved hionestly, one who treated others decent, for it is not the material things you have in life that count, it is how you treated others. I know it is the downslide time for me, I am not afraid, nor figjhting it, nor will I run from it. We all find ourselves facing the downslide at some point in life and we feel it and know when it is approaching, it is how we handle it, that counts.

Looking towards the ending phase!

March 18th, is rollong by and it seems that, I am doing ok physically, but, to be honest mentally I don’t know anymore. When you live alone it is hard to judge how well you are doing mentally or emotionally, but you can feel mood swings and ups and downs. The biggest fear is depression from loneliness. You end up staring at a tv or walking a lot like I am already doing, these days. One gets depressed and lonely, then tries different things to keep going, like I am these days, I walk alot, I watch television and movies, I try to read some, and play video games and chat online, if i can.

I have taken up bowling once a week, and play billards too once a week. Other than that it is Doctors at the Veteran’s Hospital when needed for appointments. I am growing older and in the end not enjoying old age as I would like too. So I decided to give it a try to learning to play guitar on my own so I bought one. I am waiting on picks, then, I shall use either GarageBand on my mac computer or utube to try to learn to play. I do have a great like and love of folks and lite rock music and country. I hope to be able to play some at least, if I stick with it. It is an experiment at taking up a hobby at a late age, hopefully it will keep me going some.

I have never been a big joiner, or a big follower in my life, I was never and will probally never be a loveable character. I have never been a ladies man, or as my sister calls them a stud either. Basically I can count the women I have been intimate with, on one hand in my whole life. When I bowl or play pool or I am out, I talk to very few women, and i shy away from them mostly. I have never considered myself a ladies man of any kind and to be honest, I always have thought of myself as ugly enough to scare women away. I know it sounds funny to those that know me, but the facts are just what I say.

In my life, I have had two of just about everything it seems. I had two marriages, the first lasted 12 years and ended not due to anything I did, but because of what my first wife’s father did. The second marriage went 21 years and with 7 together ahead of the marriage as a relationship it went 28 years total. It ended when my second wife, whom I miss dearly died of cancer in August of 2021. Since i have struggled to survive alone on my own. I have had help from my sister, but mostly I have been lonely and lost.

I did move into a 55 plus condo, among others in my age range. Yet I am still a loner and alone 99 percent of the time. I see people as I come and go, but, I tend to stay alone, why simple, dating a woman here would be a major mistake I believe. Why, because women talk, a man messes up once with one woman here and the word will spread from condo to condo among them, and you end up an outcast, then. So I refuse to ask anyone here out. Due to that, I am more alone, than, ever before in my life.

I also do not understand the new woke movement bullshit, nor the new way of dating over the internet like Bumble, Zoosk, Our Time and such. There are no single’s dances for people 55 and up around here in Westboro, Mass area. So, lonely is probally how I shall die and pass from this planet. I have told my sister when she stayed with me and since, that more than likely they will find me dead here in my condo. I have no doubt I am being truthful and honest about that. It is just a fact, I am beggining to face fully now myself.

So now, I shall keep going on untill my time comes, one day at a time, building puzzles, reading books, walking, bowling, playing billards and just trying to survive. Life has been ok for me, but I have never been the lucky guy so to say. Many men have pick-up lines they use, or ways to flirt I never have. I never learned to flirt, even though I have been married twice, funny how that is, isn’t it. It seems that I have had two of almost everything there is in life, is that all there is left for me, I do not know for sure, but I can just live it. I have seen others who have had their lives come to their ending and i imtend to go out, not in shame. I have been many things in my lifetime. a boy, a violin player, a runner,an explorer, a friend to many,a soilder, a sailor and I ende dup a college graduate with honor at 40 years old. I have been a father, a husband and a grandfather too. Now I am a bachelor/widower at 67 years old, and slowly life is dwindling down for me. Am I sad due to it, not really, do I accept the facts yes, but no one surrenders, unless they committ suicide. I have seen two people I know who have down so, both with gun shots, I do not think that is for me. So, I shall try to go on as long as I can. But for all of us, we all face the closing or ending phase at some point I shall do so bravely, and honorably, just as i served my country for 16 years.

Personal Thoughts

March 13th, 2023 has arrived, saylight savings time has been set now and spring is coming. They say we are about to have a noreaster of snow soon, but we shall see. When snow does hit it gives the land and area a look of white innocence, yet we all know it’s not real.

Well, lets see now it’s been 17 months since the passing of my wife, whom I miss dearly. Each day I awake and try to carry-on on my own now, and doing the best I can. Juggle the bills, clean the condo, do my own cooking and laundry, go to Doctors as needed for my back and aliments I may have and walk alot to stay healthy. I play pool on monday evenings and bowl thursdays. Other wise I write blogs, poetry, build puzzles, read books and have recently bought myself an accoustic guitar to learn to play. I will attempt to learn to play the guitar as a hobby and because i have always liked music since i was a youngster. I remember my step-father as he played guitar and piano, when i was growng up, we always had fun when he did. So I thought why not try to learn to play, I have time to do so now.

Time waits for no one, and Father Time tells us to stop or go on. I am now 67 years old, and I must admit, I am not always a loveable character I can get grouchy, and mean, but not often. I go day by day and try to be as pleasant as possible to all I talk to. I basically have tried dating apps to find a female friend to date, without any success at all, so I basically gave up. I don’t understand the modern way of dating by internet stuff and I have absolutely no idea what a woke movement is. I guess I am old fashioned in that sense. Never did learn how to flirt either, so I stay alone and do my thing. Funny, I know foer many who know me when I say I never learned to flirt, they look at me like i am crazy and tell me I must know how I was married twice. Nope, I don’t know how, I was married twice because the women I married met me doing my thing is all. The first one wasa common job and music and playing pool in the Navy. The second was a woman I met at a singles dance, who I did ask to dance. The first marriage lasted 12 years on the books, and the second 28 years of a relationship and marriage. I don’t consider asking someone to dance as flirting, so I am lost now, after 28 years, and have no idea how dating works today.

I chat at times on the internet and use my computers to write stories, poems and blogs when in the mood. Other than those items it is one boring day after another I live thru. I know, it sounds crazy and it sounds bad, but when your 67, no woman wants you. The older single women I have met who are widowers like me or divorcees, want young men or money. I don’t have money to blow, nor am I young so I get checked off of their list fast.

I know I sound boring, and some say miserable, but I am not miserable at all, I have just come to accept the facts, I am getting older and the world is for the younger crowd. I remember when I grew up, we were taught manners and respect your elders, and you will be fine. Do those lessons apply today, I do not know, for I see too many rude people around.

I also shy away from large parties and crowds, they make me nervous and uncomfortable. When I meet a woman I may like I tend to backup, instead of asking them out. As I said to many people, I am big enough, bad enough and ugly enough to scare anyone away. People laugh when i say that for I am only 5ft 8 inches tall, but it’s the truth.

As I age, I am finding difficulties in how to react to somethings I see in todays world. I try to avoid politics and religion, and just talk about the daily news in the headlines or on tv, and of course sports. I am a fan of the Red Sox,and The Celtics, football wise I like the Vikings, even though they can’t win the big game. I am loyal to them from their inception into the NFL.

So, I may walk here for three miles around the condo compound I live in on good weather days, if it looks like rain or snow, I may go to the neighnorhood mall and walk there. If it snows or looks like snow I stay home alone and watch tv. I know I am boring, but what do you expect from me at 67 years old, jumping jacks are out, folks.

I deal with my medical problems daily by taking my meds. Other than the above, I have no real passion or want of much. I play X-Box on and off when I can with a friend. It’s called the simple life, you live alone in silence and carry-on anyway you can.

What is out there for a 67 year old man to do, I am not a skirt chaser, I don’t chase women. I don’t drink really except for social reasons and that is one drink to fit in. I don’t do drugs, and I am as healthy as one can be at my age. What is left for me in the world I do not know, nor do I understand why I am still here. I feel like a spare tire just laying around! It gets boring when you can’t work and you have no one to share life with. It’s just a fact is all, and I know some will say do something, go out, find fun. IT isn’t easy when your 67 and don’t know the town or area you live in. So I go day by day and do the best I can.

So, whats left, when you have had two marriages, many homes, two kids of your own, two of everything and more and you can’t work because your disabled? I recieve suggestions everyday from people online in chats, go voluteer they say, I say to do what? I look and there isn’t much here. I guess time will tell. I have always had the belief since i was young that we are all put upon the world, to complete some mission, we do not know, but until we complete it we are stuck here. Some people have their missions shown to them and complete them and leave us earlier in age. I go day by day and just wonder if there will be a day that I complete my untold mission and my time comes to depart. I can only wonder what my mission is that I have to complete.

I know I have set up a trust fund and my last will and testiment. All has been updated of course as needed for the day I die. As long as I am cremated and buried next to my wife I am happy and content.

Lets stay free Americans!.

Americans, we stand for freedom, we stand for people’s rights to live and flourish. We extend our helping hand to countries in need like Ukraine and more. Yet we can nor and do not solve our own problems, somegow we let them linger and fester and they grow worse over time. We need to change the way Congress reacts and how we make them react, by being more careful who we put into the Congress, both the House and Senate.

Let me say this first and foremost, many may disagree with me, and many more will agree, the worst thing America ever did in recent history was elect Donald Trump President. His four year tearm utterly destroyed America in many ways, economically, politically and made the world laugh at us. Yes we need changes in political offices, yes we need changes in both the Senate and House, but how should Americans go about it all?

Number one in my book and mind is stop Donald J. Trump, from ever running for the Presidency again! He has so many legal issues and crimes he is accussed of it is crazy and getting worse. Look I know the Trumpers as they have begun to be called run around saying he was so good, he wasn’t. Congress wants to do something, Ban Donald J. Trump from the Presidential Ballots country wide period. Don’t allow this man to have the stage and cause an uprising again. What kind of man, denies his loss, and then causes a riot and destroys our capital and gets away with it? Why is he allowed to be walking free now, he should have been charged and indicted by now!

I know the wheels of Justice turn slowly and take time will be the major answer to the above question, but that has to change soon! Congress ran and hid from Trumpers because they feared for bodily harm and more on that January 6th. Yet they do not act to stop Trump from running again, it’s sad. Trump isa dangerous, violent man, spreading rheotoric and lies left and right and using groups for his own purposes. Please listen America, ot the next election will end in real coup!

Sadly, I don’t think Americans are as bright as they should be on the political front, and on these elections. But besides the lack of education levels in America, we still make the worst choices. Why is this? Why is it so easy for a man like Trump to run again after the destruction and upheaval he caused in our capital while President?

I would like to see, Trump charged legally for his actions and inactions as President leading to and including the January 6th attack and more. I want to see him, taken to court, and convicted, not as a candidate for president again! ON top of all that occured on January 6th, Trump took all kinds of secret documents with him, to his home, not legal action has happened there either,why?

Trump, should be made to pay for all damaged to governement properties on January 6th! He caused it and he caused it against the American People and while he was still in office. He did nothing to stop it either, as he sat and watched it on televison, feeding his face. Why hasn’t Congress acted to ban him from the Presidential Race in 2024? They are gutless and in my opinion worthless if they can not defend their nation by banning such a person from running again.

The young of America must stand up now and face these facts. They have tp make better choices and bring the country forward again and make it better for all. We don’t need Donald J. Trunp vs Joe Biden again! We need younger blood, for in the end Americans, it will be the ypoung who determine who wins or loses the next election. If I were once again just reaching voting age, I would go to the polls and my friends and do all I could to prevent Trump from winning again. The youth of America who can vote in Novemner of 2024, needs to start acting now, to prevent another major disaster like there was on January 6th. Move now, call your Senators, and Representatives, tell them to use the government powers they have to stop Trump being on the ballot. Make noise folks, scream, shout, rally, call and stop it before it happens again. Donald J. Trump does not have the right to run for President again, he already shamed and dishonored the office, don’t let him do so again! If Americans do not act and stop Trump, and he wins again, you may as well be ready to become a communist country! Lets stay free Americans!.

Welcome to March 2023

March 1st, 2023 has begun for me, it is now 7:05 am. The weather has been on and off snow now for almost 2 weeks, nor accumilating anything really, but threatening too here in Massachuetts. Being 67 and living in a small sleepy city like Westborough, is quiet mostly and meeting people is rough at times. You might think, it is easy to meet people for most, go out have fun and talk to everyone right, well, for most that works yes. But what does one do if your 67, lonely, scared to get involved with anyone of the opposite sex and people think you look like you should have no problems, but you do?

I never was one for flirting, I never learned to flirt, and i know many will think I am crazy when I say this, but, it’s true, as the first girl I ever kissed told me one day, I have known you for years she said, but you never firt. It’s easy, I always have an inner feeling no matter how attracted to a female I am, that they will never go out with me and I basically use built in tactics to avoid them. It is an auto-response built in from my childhood and being told all my childhood I was useless, and worthless.

So, yes I know, some ask me then, how did I end up married twice, having two kids? I always tell them the samething, I have no idea. Did i ever ask any woman out basically no, except for my second wife, once. We just seemed to click. The first wife i met in what is called a Wave Cage in the Navy, she wasa sailor too, I met her playing pool and listening to music. So, now when my second wife, passed due to cancer, and since i have been flaying about and alone, a loner. Always have been a loner i guess you may say, and at 67 that is saying a lot. In life there are extroverts and introverts, I am a weird combo of both at different times and situations. I don’t do large crowds well, I avoid them mostly. And I usually say hello to women only or hold just small or idle converstaions with them.

As it goes today at 67, I am holding on and doing my thing, I walk, I write, I play pool and bowl. I shop as needed and live alone in a 596 square foot condo that is almost brand new on the fourth floor and hide and look out at the world. It isa quiet life, no more climbing roofs to clean then, over snow blowing driveways or cutting grass. No more major problems with pro[erties or the home. No more driving my wife to exams, appointments, tests or chemo and radiation, or immunio-theraphy. No more running back and forth to hospitals and doctors and nursing homes.I miss her big time, we had open communication, we had caring, sharing, and more for 28 years. I will always miss her, there is no one across the room to talk to anymore, she is gone and cancer took her from me.

As to how I will continue on I do not know, I stumble through each day, I smile and laigh and sarcastically joke with people here. I have not had female companionship now in about 6 years physically and i don’t even know if I could perform if it happened. I miss the closeness, the intimacy and more, but, life must go on.

As to dating site, I have posted profiles and looked and paid the price for them. Yet I find they are money grabbers and really don’t work. Many fake or old profiles on them, that are never removed. Few answers, but no connections, i chat a few times, maybe meet for coffee and move on. Finding a partner to date in this day and age in 2023 is almost impossible, for me it is impossible. No woman wants a old 67 year old man, who is retired and alone. So, I go day by day, I try to walk, eat when hungry, go to Doctors as needed and leep to myself, scarred to ask any woman out. I never was a big dater.

Now some will say I am lying I am not, I can count on my one hand the number of females I have been with, intimately. or even in a relationship of any kind. So if you figure it out fast, it was the two wive and only three others in 67 years of life so far. I am not a goggilo, or playboy, nor am I a women chase rof any kind. I just do me is all. If that doesn;t work, I am brave enough to walk alone and carry on in life anyway. To where ever the Good Lord leads me is where I shall go, for I am controlled by fates and destinies is all. For me if I am to find another owman to share my ederly days with fine, it will happen organicly or not at all, I force nothing and never would.

Lately, ipay no attention to the news or the world, i stay introverted and quiet, I laugh and joke playing pool with the guys and laugh and joke while bowling too. But, other wise I walk alone, up to 3 miles or more a day if weathe rpermits, I read, I build puzzles play X-box games and lif eis day to day.

Whats Next for Me?

Welcome to Febuary 2023 the 19th. It is much like any other day at 6;26 am, still partial darkness as the sun looks for a way to start the new day. people are sleeping still and I am awake once more. Sleeping is just something I do whenever it hits me to do now a days. I love alone in isolation, even in a 55 plus community here. Maybe I madea mistake coming here after my wife died, but the choice was made by me so I must love with it, in my 956 square foot condo. Yes I have all I need to survive, except company and companionship which my wife provided me till she passed.

Now, i am not asking for mercy or pity from anyone, but I can not help but say when you are 67 like i am, it is not possible to find a lover, or friend of the opposite sex. It’s just a fact of nature and humanity I think, all of us seem to end up alone don’t we? Humanity folks, can not exist in isolation or by themselves, we need one another to survive and prosper. I keep trying to find someone to share my remaining years with, but, it does not seem fated for me.

I have lived a full life so far,I struggled the first nine months of my life with seizures, that stopped when I was dropped on my head. Long story. Then as i grew up I became an outcast from other kids and not accepted because i had ADHD and Hyperactivity. As i grew up I would spend hours and days alone wandering the woods and neighnorhoods of my childhood. All through my childhood I wa stold how bad I was, how hard i was to get along with and how i wasn’t a normal child. Wasn’t my fault, but hey I couldn’t change it then, it was all medically induced.

At about 12 years old before I finished Elementary School, things changed for me, I began to accept I would never fit in and just did what I thought was right, within the normal bounds of the law and society norms. By fourteen years old I was more normal in actions and reactions and my mind and body became more in sync for me. Yet, as close to normal as I was by then, othere factors would affect me, as I grew. Physically I am nopt a big man, never have been only 5 feet eight full grown now and I have gone anyhere from 150 lbs. ytp 230 and back down now to around 180 lbs. An average man, most of my life I was always restless.

As I went through my fourteeth year, I began to norice the opposite sex and that became a problem for me. I became distracted by females, and had no idea how to handle them. I found some I really liked of course and I knew they would never like me , so I would not and did not know how to act. I felt socially unadept around the female species as a fourteen year old, clumsy and awkward and I always thought, I never wasa handsome guy. So, I would stay away as much as I can.

By 15, I found myself attracted to a girl slightly olde rthan I and that led to my teenage years of trouble. As much as i like the girl in question I also knew she was bad for me and i for her. So by the time we drifted apart, her younger sister decided to come after me, While I will always appreciate the two years I spent with her, and even my first sexual experiences with her, I knew she and i were not meant for long term. I dinally figured out by 17 that high school was something I would never complete, so I dropped out and went to work in a factory for a few years. When that fell through and ended, due to my attention deficiet disorder, I knew I woul dhave to make some kind of choice soon.

I actually, had to make a choice, so I ended up, examining who and what I was by walkiing the streets of my hometown at the time and looking for things to do. I was constantly bored and moving, I lived in othe r people’s homes more than my own with my parents. I spent most of my teen years this way. But, I looked at the girlfriend I had at the time an dtold her, I was leaving and joining the military. And one day I walked into a Recruiting office and joined, after I got my GED Diploma.

While the Military supplies discipline and structure, the Army wa snot for me and I could not function properly, so I was given a trainiee discharge unde rhonorable conditions, I came home to try to start over again. I live din the town YMCA for a few years. While there i ended uo joiningt he National Guard and serving there for a few years, as i bounced from job to job. I knoew I had to do something a sthe economy was dying around me and i was barely surviving as I worked helping a resturant out. I knew i had to find something and needed more.

I decided to renter he Military, but shied away from the Army, and joined the U.S. Navy, where i found structure, discipline and a education in a trade so to say. I became a Boiler Technichan for 16 years total I served my country in three branches of service until in an accident I was injuried and forced to a Medical under Honorbale Discharge due to disabilities. I fought to stay in for seven years after injuried but lost. During my time in the Navy I married for the first time, and had two of everything, including children. Yet when my discharge happened my marriage also failed, the income was gone. Times were changing and I became adrift once my first wife asked for a divorce, so I came home once more. I was searching for help, and searching for my footing onc emore when first my dad died, then my step-father an dmy mother during the time period. It was big lesson in humanitya nd it’s limits for me, I wa snow alone and drifting again.

Back to basics I went and found a small apartment and with help of some friends I settled in. I would find a new woman in my life when I decided I was tired of being alone. I decided it wa stime to get out and see people again. I went to Single’s dances, looking for something to do. I met my secomnd wife there, and she became the center of my life. I tried working again and couldn’t so I ended up back in school at 40 years p;d graduating from College. I havea degree in Hotel Management, I erned, along with Awards and being a member of three honor societies. Yet, I wa sstill unsettled and restless and I guess i shall always be. I ran hotels for a bit and then basically quit due to boredom and not fitting in.

I did odd jobs for a year or so and found my back injuries interfeared and couldn’t work anymore, so I fought for disability and won after a seven year span. Been disabiled since now. so life went on. My wife and I were constantly together, and we staye dthat way living off of what we could do. She worked, and I puttered and took care of home. In the end our marriage would last 28 years, and we had a beautiful life an dhome. Each year we invited family for Thanksgivings we cooked together, we went to plays and shows, and walked/ When she was diagnoised with breast cancer I stood by her, when I got lung cancer during the same time we supported one another. We never gave up. I sat through her chemo, radiations, Doctors appointments and I hospiced her in the end till she passed. She sat through my 16 hour lung cancer operation and prayed I would survive, even thinking I wouldn’t, but I did. Life has hit me with more curveballs then any baseball pitcher has thrown in his lifetime. Yet I continued on, even after my wife died and I buried her. Her gravestone has my name on it and I will be buried with er when I pass.

But Life has slowly moved on now, it is now over 19 months since she passed on me, I had to sell all we had, the home belongings and more and move on. I moved to be closer to my sister who is 9 years my junior, but, that didn’t last long, for we all have our own lives to live don’t we. She needs a life of her own and I decided to move intoa 55 plus condo community to try to stay close to her. Yet that, didn’t go as planned either as she moved on to anothe rlover and life and i endeded up alone in my 956 square foot condo alone.

Life alone is a struggle, why, well health, loneliness, isolation all factor in. When you lose someone you loved for so long to cancer or illness you miss them, No two people are the same, and you are slow to heal and decide to move on It doesn’t help when your in your sixities and know no one around you. Fears creep in, like i am old, and ugly an dno one will want me I don’t know my area so Is truggle to find things to do and meet people. I have taken up bowling once a week for company, and playing billards too. I walk miles a day for execise and pray I meet someone for company and companionship, but no luck. At some point you come to accept, that the destinies and fates are not yours to control anymore, and accept you may never find someone to share the final years with. So, you putter, you read, you build puzzles, you walk, you watch televison and movies, and look for places to go do things. In the end, you learn you can only do so much to keep going and begin to accept you are doing all you can. So, time moves ata snail pace each day, the aches and pains of old age set in and even if your mental abilities are fully intact you understand the limits of senior living. So you pay your life insurance and you hang on. for that is all that is left, is it not?

Aging is no fun as I am sure anyone will tell you, including ex_presidents like Jimmy Cater who is now in hospice at home. We all fac eour own mortality at some point and begin to wonder whay we are still here. We have no choice unless we decide to end it on our own, but our faith tells us not to. I have seen too many take their own life. I am tired. So what is next for me, at 67 years old? I know not but I shall putter on a bit more I guess.

Because, A poem!

Feb. 1st. 2023. Winter is still upon us here in Mass. and the temperatures will drop once more soon. I shall sit in my 956 sq. foot condo alone in the cold days and dream of the days when I had someone to cuddle to and keep warm. I miss the das when I had a good woman by myside to converse with, to laugh with, to cuddle to and enjoy one another, but, I also know in todays society and world, money drives everything and I am not rich. I have no money to buy love or sex, or even companionship, at times I can be grumpy like the old movie Grumpy Old Men, and at other times I can be fine and funny, It all depends on what is happening around me each day.


By William M. McCurrach

Feb. 1, 2023

Because I walk in silence,

I walk in peace,

Because I walk alone,

I do not need to search for peace.

Peace comes from the inner soul,

That part of you that makes you whole,

The comfort of being who you are,

No matter where you be, or how far.

Do not judge me and ask me why I am alone,

I may not be the only one alone.

I may not wish to be lonely and with no one,

But I am not a fool to fall and be used by someone.

Some want money, some want fame,

Some like to pay what I call mind games.

I prefer to avoid it all,

For I have lived loves and survived them all.

So I am asked why I have no girlfriend,

Or No lover in my life,

Because I am smart enough to not rush down,

Loves edge and get cut like a knife.

I prefer to stay free, and let things happen naturally,

And let the Good Lord make the choices for me.

I control not what my fate may be or even my destiny, but I do know i awake each day and try to just carry-on. We know not why the Good Lord put us upon this planet, but we do know we are here, for what reason, well, that only our lifetimes will tell us. I believe each of us are here on earth for certain things we do not understand, We are preprogrammed at birth to complete certain missions here on eartha nd when we complete those missions we get recalled to the Good Lord’s side. Life ends for all of us at some stage and we come to understand when it does that we have done all we can, and there is no more to do. We have no choice but to surrender to the ultimate fate of dying.

Fate, Destiny, whatever it may be, is it reall the truth of life for you and for me. I do not know, because i still am running on this world. Because i have no choice do I? No, I am stubborn, old, set in my ways and I shall continue to ne me day by day. I shall walk my own road, carry my own load, care for those i can and always be my own man. Isn’t that what life is about, being who you are meant to be, being you just because. You Tell me folks!

I do know, when I die my poems, stories and even my blogs will live online beyond my time. I know some will call them good and fine and some will say they are the worst of all time. I never have sought fame or fortune, so I write to let out what I feel, I hope over the ages and time, it will feel real to others too.

Thoughts, after I turned 67.

January 28th, 2023 has begun for me and I woke up at 4:30 am today. Why. I have no idea, I am 67 years old now, and I still have the mystery of what my body does and why not explained to me, nor do I understand it. We still continue daily and we do as our bodies and minds tell us to do. Why, well, we are human and we do not control what the Good Lord wants for us do we?

Anyway, life for me is a boring routine these days, wake up have coffee, look at e-mails, and maybe write a boh is I am in the mood fo rit, like now. Otherwise I watch television, play x-box, or I walk as much as I can till tired. On Mondays I go down and play blilards with the men and people who live in the condos I do, and on Thursdays I bowl. Now, for me at 67 there is not much more I can do these days, although I do miss the company and companionship of my wife, who passed on me in August of 2021. 18 months after she is gone, I am still alone with no woman in my life, and wondering if I shall have one ever again.

I have tried Zoosk and now Our Time also, finding that the dating sites do not seem to click for me, no matter how many profiles I click on or read. I get nervous trying to meet any females out there, and I do not understand the process anymore and I never have known how to flirt, guess at my age I wil lprobaly never learn either. I see othe rmen who all they do is flirt, and I am like what are they doing, I never understand it. I think I am an old fashioned man, lost in a world of the woke crowd and alone because the Good Lord wants it this way for me.

The Dating scene for people my age of 67 is rough and not easy to handle or understand anymore, for me. I guess, I have found all the women the good lord wanted me to be with by now and it is my job to just wind down my life slowly alone. Is it fate or destiny, stubborness or foolishness, i do not know, but, I live alone in 956 square feet, trying to survive. I get people telling me I should get out more, meet people in the area, volunteer, they say. Well, while in certain situations and enviroments I do interact some, I am tole I talk too much, and i scare the women away. What do you want from a 67 year old man who has spent the last 30 years, with a wife who died on him to do. Do you think I should be jumping women left and right, I doubt it and wouldn’t go there. The dating scene of today is nothing like the dtaing scene of yesteryear, it is different. The woke movement, covid scares, nuts with guns and more.

This is not the Americaq I grew up in anymore. We have politics gone crazy, disrespect for laws, lack of manners by many and so much more out there. So many saw join a dating site I did, I met two womenin now four months is all. Neither was a fit for me, and it seems I not for them either. So I wandr on my own walking malls and streets for exercise, sometimes build puzzles till bored, play x-box for fun, watch tv and read if I feel like it. I amnow one of the old men society I think and slowly wasting away in a way. I am reluctant to ask aby woman for a date, or out, because I do not think I am a catch they would want in anyway. My opinion of my chances are slim to none if I did it in my opinion. So I stay alone and surrender to the eventual.

Although I should get out and explore where I now live, I don’t. I seem to fall into patterns of life that are simple and easy. I don’t spend a lot of money. I am not rich folks, I live on disability and social security these days. I come and go to Doctors and Dentists, or if I get sick I go to clinics to to be checked out. Basically, the way I see it, if I have no one to share life with, I shall slowly fade away, it is how life is I gather, as I age for me.

I have had few loves in my life and I can honestly say, I can count them on one hand. I wa snever one to date alot, or get involved alot with the opposite sex. I smile at them, them at me and then we speak and I do not get past thefriend stage, at any point anymore. So I have surrendered to the fact I am meant to be alone at this stage in life, I told my sister at one point already, I bought this condo, and it is probally here, where you shall find me dead one day. For unless one invovles themself in the world and is active, one diminishes or fades and no one worries or cares about, people who stay alone. This is how we all pass away soone ror later isn’t it alone. I remember an old movie, called Grumpy Old Men, it starred Walter Matheau and Jack Lemon, who competed for a beautiful woman in ther old age. One gets the lady an dthe other gets left alone. I am now one of those grumpy old men like they were, alone on my own and just barely surviving. I am not competing for any woman’s attention, though. So, my demise wil lprobally come soon enough, we lal face the fact of our passing sooner of later don’t we?

Aging is a natural thing, out bodies slow down, our minds go on and in the end we begin to realize we are set in our ways also. We tend not to want to change much, for we know what worked to get us to the old age we are. I don’t run anymore like I did in my teens, there is no ice skating or roller skating these days. No climbing moutains or trails anymore either. I tried pickleball and hurt myself when I arrived here last year and delt out of place doing so, so I gave it up. I don’t heal as quickly as i di in my youth lol. I may go back tp pickleball for somethoing to do when the weathe ris wamer and if I make sure I am dressed for it, in the right sneakers.

I used to love fishing also, but everything these days cost money. I still like the outdoors and always will, fresh air is good for us all. In the end, I know, I am alone, and wil probally stay that way. I don’t have the sense of humor I used to anymore either it seems and little things get to me. maybe it’s because I am always alone that it matters, but I seem to avoid most things these days. Life is right now boring, depressing and in all reality just a day to day routine for me, so I know unless it changes or I meet someone to change it, this is it, in my case. The good lord is picking how and where my life shall end not I.

I am beggining to believe and understand that now a days.

Friday has come around once more, and i am now 5 days from being 67. I find it amazing I am still kicking at this age. I have been through enougha nd i am getting tired out, it feels to me. Each day I wake up thinking what am I doing here and why?

My wife has now beem gone for over 17 going on 18 months, and i am still alone and know no one around me really. Being alone takes time to get used to again in life after you had a long term relationship taht wnet 28 years. So it is always one day at a time, and it is alonely world when you get older, more do not want to bother with you due to age. Then we have the covid effect and all that goes with it, the economy isgetting worse and the political climate sucks.

Since I have never learned to flirt in anyway, I am just me day by day. So I say nothing to any women really, and watch from afar. Loneliness sets in, then ya get depressed and then ya just surrender is all. Never was abig ladies man, nor was I one to chase women around. So, even when I do see someone or meet someone online I have no idea what to do or say. It feels like i am in a world out of sync to me and lost.

Now I have tried dating web sites and talked to some women, but then, I don’t meet them all or drive all around trying to either, I am not interested in traveling 50 miles or more to meet someone.Web sites don’t work if you ask me I have tried Zoosk and OurTime and find them to be filled with old profiles and reusing them and of course the scammers who only want money. It is sad really.

Then you have the Adult Sites like Adultfriendfinder and others, offereing ways to meet people for different sexual acts and such and for creating relationships for sexual acts or lifestyles. Again, scams in many ways and they don’t work either in my book, for in todays world, people are scared, too many crazy people in the world, too many desperate people in the world and of course scammers who wnat money, not just relationships or friendships. Sad world we live in today for sure.

As to what is next for me, i do not know, I do what I always do, I walk when I can, for health reasons, I play x-box on and off, I watch movies and tv shows, I write blogs and poems and stories when it hits me to. I chat online for fun also. I play billards once a week and bowl also once a week right now. I tried pickle ball, hurt my ankle, and didn’t go back since. Maybe in the spring I will try again. I tried fishing some last year in the lake here, but no fish bit lol.

Life is a series of the same events for me daily, sometime I read and sometimes i build puzzles is all. Will it change I have no idea, I know nothing of the state I live in here, Massachuetts here, Worcester County, or the town I live in Westborough. So I struggle daily tryingto get around and oit into the public. So I see or know or have met no one. Life is not easy as you age and it seems that no matter what you do, the fates and destinies and the Good Lord drive your life without you knowing why. You tend to finally just give up and hope for the best. Life shall go on, until it doesn’t for me, time shall tell, nut as i said before nice guys finish last and alone. I am beggining to believe and understand that now a days.

Questions for the women of America!

Lets start easy ladies,

  1. Are you single, divorced or widowed and in the 55 plus category for women and straight?
  2. Do you like being alone and not dating?
  3. Are you looking for dates if you are 55 plus and female out there?

These are just a few of my starting questions I have for women of the world and especially in The USA!

Further Questions:

4) Being 55 plus and single, divorced or widowed, what do you look for in men?

5) Are you in bars, taverns or clubs, to meet men or elsewhere?

6) What qualities do you look for in men, that attracts you?

7) How important is sex to you, after 55 and up and is it vital for any relationship?

8) Do you seek companionship, or one night stands, or friends with benefits? Or Long Term Relationships?

9) How many dates does it take for you to believe you are in a relationship with a man?

10) Do you look for honesty?

11) Do you look for compassion, understanding, and loyality? if so, how much so?

12) What is the most important thing to you, about a relationship with a man?

13) Does covid affect your dating process and how?

14) How do you overcome covid and trust issues in your relationships?

15) Do you date from online dating sites, and do you find them reliable and good?

Lets start with these questions Ladies/ Women and see what your answers are, I am looking for honest answers here only, please do not get angry over the questions. The intention here is to learn something as a man and help others as well as you women, to understand what each side is seeking out here.

I live in Westborough, Ma., a sleepy small town. There are limited things to do here to meet the oppposite sex, so I would also like to know what or where to meet women 55 plus around here for fun times. I do walk some, I also play billards and bowl. So, what do the women all really like to do on dates? I know dinner is always good, but I want to know activity wise and not just pickleball please.

You can answer here on my blog page, or you can e-mail me, at with replies. If the answers are decent and not angry or outragious or mean, I will answer back, for discussion if you like. Just ask!

I hope to get some replies and to learn from this all, and help others also. Lets see if the women, will respond to honest questions! I will wait and see,

Bring it Women, let me hear you roar,so I may learn more.