What will become of the once Proud America we all knew and loved when I grew up in the 50’s and sixties?

August 15th, 2022, I awoke once more at 4:30 am today. back aching, trouble breathing and more. I used to be one of the healthiest people I know and I still try to walk 3 miles a day. Yet as I age my health goes slowly down the tubes. My problems multiply and my mental status I have even begun to question at times. My emotional condition is up and down since my wife died in 2021, I go from normal to depressed in a flick of a switch. Pills won’t help me, I have had them before, if anything, they would make me want to end my life if I took them, for they tend to take away my feeling anything.

These days I walk my 3 miles a day if I can and if possible. The walking and fresh air is good for me Then I come home to clean what I can in my condo, and do what laundry I have if needed. Next step in my day is the morning news on television, as i watch the Russians and Ukrainians in their war, China in their anger and then we Americans struggling internally with out own political upheavals and mess caused by an Ex-President who should never have been elected in the first place. People die in accidents, stars pass away from Television and movies and more. Authors get attacked for what they write, why? It is what I was told as a kid, and it applies more today than ever before a dog-eat- dog world. Gas and fuel prices rise, electric prices rise, food costs go up and medical expenses are a killer for everyone. Nothing is cheap, yet we seniors and handicapped are strapped with limited income. No one really cares what happens to the disabled or elderly, they are too busy trying to keep going themselves.

Personally I know at 66 years old many tell me I am in good shape, but they know not all that is wrong with me. MY physical, dental and mental health are no where what they appear to be for sure. You learn as you age, to hide things, to deal with them as they come up and that complaining won’t help you in any way. You can scream, shout, bitch, moan and complain till your blue in the face, people just look and go there he or she goes again and carry-on. They do not care, if you don’t get off your own ass and help yourself, no one will.

Not all people will help a dying loved one or family member either. The same problem exists on that front too, for they have their own problems to care about, their own bills to pay, their own children and grandchildren to take care of, or as some do, their friends are more important than anything to them. I know I lived through seeing it growing up, adults believing their friends are more important than their children or families they made. Happens, some people feel that way and only do what they do, without realizing what they are doing wrong. Some never learn that no matter how you argue, fight, yell, scream between family members you are still family and family should always come first. We are not all blessed with common sense, and logic are we?

I am one for helping family first and friends second. Yet, even family members get to a point where tyhey think everything should be handed to them on a platter, won’t happen folks. I don’t mind giving a family member a meal, or helping them by giving them a place to stay for a while. I do mind when they expect you to let them do as they please and expect you to feed them everyday. I am disabled, old and not healthy, I can give ya a room to live in but I can’t feed you! The Elderly and disabled are on budgets, folks, family or not, don’t try to take advantage of us please, we do get mad. We have to survive and your not going to feed us or clothes us or house us, so we end up on Social Security, disability payments and we struggle with costs. Wake up ok!

Next subject the political problems in America increased the day Donald J. Trump came down his escalator in Trump Tower and declared he was running for President. He is predijuced, discriminating, a their and liar and cheater. You want proof, just go ask the contractors who worked for him in is business. They got pennies on the dollar for what they did, including materials. He cheated on his taxes, he cheats in anyway he can, to keep money, including when he ran up his tax plan in Office, he did it niot for the average American, me and you, but for himself and his rich cronies.

Sadly, too many thought the tax plan was for all it wasn’t. Then I hear, well he built the wall, no he didnt. He failed at building it. And we didn’t need it anyway, never have, that is what the Border Patrol is for and Immigration Officers. Look America is built on immigrants we all know it, we all came from somewhere else, ask around. He brought hate and fear and anger to America and it’s politics and people is what he did. He called for and got an Insurrection against hois own government while in Office. He cries the election was stolen it never was. Now, he is caught harboring and hiding classified documents in Mar A Lago at his estate in Florida. For what reason, first no way he can wave a wand and make them all declassified folks, second what did he want with them, third why didn’t he return them? What purpose did Donald J. Trump have, for having these documents?

Then we now hear, the Justice department is attacking Trump, it’s a democratic attack on him, bullshit. The Justice Department is doing their job folks, he has no business with these documents in his possession period. What is the reason for having them or removing them from Washington? No excuse is given that make any sense, except he planned on using them for some purpose. Why else have and hide and hold them?

The Trump mess and scandals and problems will continue to come out. They wil continue for as long as we have, these so called Trump lovers and supporters who are blind and who have been conned by Trump so well into believing him. The Justice Department is doing it’s job, reveal all the information, indict Donald J. Trump, charge him, arrest him and try him in a court of law. Let the American people see the evidence during the trial, televise it all, and lets see him defend having the documents and information he had.

Let me remind all, there was one woman, who took one secret document home, to study it for her job and got caught she got five years and, hit with a felony. The Rosenberg’s, were executed for trading information with the Russians for less evidence. If we go the simpler route, then we have 11 counts of stolen documents from a federal office, at 5 years per charge if proven of course then Donald J. Trump should be given a 55 year sentence, 5 years per document. Think about that folks!

Ok, the weather is nice today outside, the air is fresh and the cooling weather is coming slowly to Massachusetts here on the east coast USA. Soon enough the winter will come once more. Gas prices are up, fuel prices are up, electric prices are up and food prices too. Will, America survive and how many elderly and disabled people will freeze or starve to death this winter of 2022? How many will die from cancer or other diseases because they can’t afford medicines or hospital visits?’ What will become of the once Proud America we all knew and loved when I grew up in the 50’s and sixties?

August 10,th, 2022, One Year later!

August 10, 2022, Today is the one year anniversary of my wife Melinda passing. It has hit me hard from the moment I awoke this am and has weighed heavily on my mind and heart. I miss her dearly, her laughter, her questioning things, her open communication, her knowledge, her caring and love. I miss her in many ways, I miss cooking for her, caring her her, driving her where she needed to go, and even going to get her prescriptions and knowing she needed me. It’s the little things in life and relationships that count. That tender smile, that little touch. small things I miss the most.

I have been trying to live my life without her and it is not easy, and the memories flood my mind daily. One moment I am fine and doing ok, the next moment I enter depression and hate myself for being alive and the fact she is not with me. My health goes up and down, physically and mentally over it all. I have lost 30 pounds since her death, and my pants didn’t fit me anymore. I try to walk and keep my mind busy if i can, and I barely see anyone these days unless I have to. I may go to the store, or doctor, but that has really been it. I am told I am crazy and nuts because i get upset easy, and I yell at people now and then. Little things get me and I just go off, my self-control is shot, especially on this day in question. I wish sometimes, I could handle pressure the way I used to, or I could put up with bullshit more, but I can’t these days it seems. My nerves are shot, my emotions go up and down, and I go off. Sadly, it happens and I say things I shouldn’t and people get upset, mad and angry with me. I just can’t handle people these days anymore. Will I ever overcome it all and be able to live a normal life again, I doubt it. In the end, I know for me, my life is really over, I wake each day, but I just go thru the motions I need to. I have no drive, no motivation, no care at all these days. It is like walking around in a cloud or fog, just doing whatever, to get through it all. I really have no drive to stay alive, I just want it all to end soon, so I can join my wife who passed. I know people will say I have a lot to live for, I am still young and should have fun, guess what, everyday is the same, it is called monetary, and boring. It’s a sad way to live if you get my drift.

Used to be I had things to do, a home to care for, a wife to take care of, I even had children at one time with my first wife. All I lived for was to make them money and buy them what they needed and to keep them happy and healthy. Now it is all gone, and i live in a 956 Sq Ft condo, and am bored to death each day. I talk to myself, or the walls or tv, I walk and walk. My life has no purpose for me anymore, it is sad for sure. And I do know it, but, I do not have the motivation or drive to change it. I have surrendered to it all, and I basically can’t handle much anymore.

I have thought of suicide many times, lately, for what purpose is life if you have no one to share it with, or any motivation to go out and live it. As I told someone recently, at some point, they will find me in this condo, at least my body, and that is the end of my life as I see it coming. Inevitably we all pass don’t we? I am just waiting for my time to come.

August 2nd, 2022 as I see it!

I have seen many things in 66 years of life, many people and relationships and how they start ,end and how they go as far as interaction between couples. People break up for different reasons, I understand that I do. I also understand how because of those circumstances, one or both parties need help to get back on their feet once more. for one half or the other it is more difficult Each one is different and sometimes, I understand the emotional turmoil it causes one or both. So , I have tried extremely hard to stay out of any break-ups period.

I know, the couple I speak of helped me when my wife died and I appreciate all they did ,taking me in. Yet I did pay my way, and in the end i stayed out of both of their ways the best I could. Now, I am being told or it is being insinuated I did somethings, wrong while in their home, I don’t see that at all. Yet that is what is getting told to me, these days. If i did anything wrong in their home, I can’t recall it, that is for sure. if I did it was not intentional.

That is something I guess, if I am wrong and did do something wrong, I don’ remember it. Put that aside as it is, the break-up of the two of these people, is a show all have watched now, from April ,till now. And i do mean all, all the friends of both of them have been watching, and enjoying the show they have put on. I have tried to help my half of said relationship out in any way I can, but, I am disabled, a bad back, I have PTSD, and more to consider.

Ok I can do only so much at my age and in my physical and mental conditions. That is the first thing, the second thing is like others I have phobias also and more. So I get upset at small things that happen. I am not this perfect brother or man my sister puts out there folks so you know, I am human and I have complaints and issues of my own to deal with daily. I make mistakes, I get upset, and I say many things, but that’s life also. I will never say I am perfect and never have, so all know.

Now, I watched this break-up as it happened, I was there in their home when it started and I will tell you this, one of the two was an all out phony and still is till today months later. What bothers me about this whole show is it needs to end, yet it is still being talked about on both ends. I tire of hearing how he did this, he did that, he is doing this and he is doing that. I tell my sister, ignore it, let him go, don’t worry, what he does, or says, or who he is with. Sadly, she doesn’t understand that. She is constantly bringing him up and talking to people on her phone about it daily. The situation isn’t good here either due to the fact, there is now, two of us living in a small condo. SO I overhear all she says, and does, and it gets on my nerves daily. There is no escaping it at all. On top of it all she has one lifestyle and I, a different one, so we get on one another’s nerves and fight. I didn’t buy a condo for myself, to have her come in and take it over in every way she can, while she stays here. Yet it happens, it’s what women do. I understand that, but it upsets me.

Now, as far as her ex goes, he is a narcissistic man who will never admit wrong doing or accept responsibility for what he started and caused here. He has tried to blame me for the break-up, two of her friends too and more, and he never admits a thing of what he did wrong. Sadly, it is just a fact he was wrong. As I said to my sister, what is a 62 year old man doing, getting showered , shaved and dressed up decently and putting gel in his hair and cologne on, and going out at 7 pm every night? And not coming home till 1 to 1;30 am hmm.

So he decided to blame me for his actions and ghosted me until he told me to leave the house once i secured my condo. I left as he asked of course as fast as I could. Then my sister breaks up with him, because I asked the right question, and she found out he was out having fun with other women and more. Her friends told her the same, his friends told her the same and they sent pics and videos of him doing so to her cell phone, lol. No one is to blame for the break up other then him period. Sadly, it cost him a million dollar home, and a 13 year relationship and he gave it all up to go out with a woman, who is only 34 years old. He is still with her the last I know of anyway.

The woman believes he is rich because he sold the million dollar home, the fact is he isn’t. He has bills to pay, and his fortune is not what she thinks. He is basically struggling to survive, yet putting on a good show to keep the younger woman with him. In the end the real question is how long does he really think a 34 year old woman will stick around a 62 year old man, when he runs out of money and Viagra? Good question right, I think so.

As I tried to tell my sister, let it go, he is gone now, the house is gone and the money has been split between you where it should be, with you getting the most. Now I understand the emotional trauma here and the circumstances, and mine was slightly different, my wife died. Death is a separation you can’t blame on anyone. So, it is different for sure.

I think both sides need to pay what they owe and move on. No more pointing fingers at one another, no more lying about who paid for what or how they did so, or who bought what for whom or how. The relationship is over, let it go.

How to live with my sister is another thing actually. Women take over homes, they do what they want and don’t stop to consider a thing. She came in and took over the room I gave her yes, that is fine, then she took over half of my bathroom and shelves, then my cabinets in the kitchen and refrigerator. She is now everywhere. She took over my seat on my couch and covered it with sheets for her dog. Then her dog stays with her, and takes up more room on the couch and I have to sit in the opposite end crowded in. I said nothing and let it happen. Then I got her feet coming at me as I sat down, I got upset, she is constantly on her phone as I try to watch tv at night, no thought to the fact she is disturbing me with a thing. Then she goes out, leaves her dog here and I have no choice but to walk him so he doesn’t do his business in my condo. If I wanted a dog I would have bought one myself, it is the exact reason why I didn’t want one, I don’t want to take care of one.

Sometimes when your my age 66, you take naps during the day, I did so today, As I did, I was awakened by her and her dog coming home. I was also trying to watch a movie today, when she decided to listen to and watch a Tony Robbins Session on her computer, and interfered so I couldn’t hear my movie. I got upset and walked out of my own home so I didn’t argue with her over it. I stayed walking around outside for a while and came back home to see her leaving again, and no dog with her. Of course she can’t take the dog with her she says, so she said she fed him and I don’t need to do a thing for him is what she said. She asked what my problem was when I tried to explain it all, of course the first thing is out of her mouth she is gonna look for a place to move as soon as she can. I don’t care if she stays, but she needs to realize she is being inconsiderate and not paying attention to what she is doing here. This is not her over 4,000 square foot house she had or the one I had with my wife either. I bought a condo that is 956 square feet period. IT’s tight and close and we have to be considerate of each other here.

IT’s been two weeks now that she has been here, she claims I go after her daily on these things, but I don’t. She is going through a trauma I know it with all she lost, I have been going through one too, after my wife’s death. It’s hard, for both of us, I know that and we need to acknowledge it on both sides. I try to advise her when I can, and try to go out of my way not to do so in anger. I don’t think she gets it at all, she is so busy doing her thing she doesn’t slow down at all.

In the end, the relationship she was in went bad and ended, I get it I do. I lost a wife, I get that too. The hard part here is simple how do we survive and not ruin our relationship as brother and sister now? I love my sister dearly, I do. So, what is the solution here? Open communication, in normal voices would help.

Anyway, as all this is happening, my health is not getting any better. Something has happened to me today, something popped or something in my area on the left hand side of my neck. it feels like a muscle or something gave, or worse. The left side of my head feels like a liquid pulse is there. It feels like something let go or passed thru my veins there. My neck feels different as does my head, I am light headed on the left side now. What it is I do not know now, but I do know, if it persists, I may need to get to a hospital soon. I am hoping it is a muscle that just released or something simple but I am not sure now. Time shall tell. I know I have had minor heart problems and blood pressure problems too. What happens next I do not know, but, I know I am 66, and no spring chicken anymore.

Should I go to the Hospital, or not is now my question? Maybe I should call them and ask what I should do?

July 27th, 2022

Hello, July 27th, 2022, a new day has dawned and it is 6;15 am here. Each day, my life seems to be getting worse for me. It doesn’t matter, what I do or how I do it, mentally and emotionally, my living is a burden on me in one way or another.

Physically, my health is not good either, my back is misaligned and I am in pain ,always. Then, I have to deal with taking my pills each day to survive diabetes, high blood pressure and such. Mentally, my mind wanders at times, and I am actually isolated from the world, even though, it doesn’t look it to others. I don’t associate with anyone at all and I actually am tired of trying to. I tend to avoid people as much as humanly possible, and I am constantly angry. Why, I am not sure, it just is.

Last night, I went to bed upset, and three times I stopped breathing and jolted awake in my bed. My whole body jumped, before I came to realize, I had forgot, to use my c-pap machine. Then it took me a good hour to finally establish breathing properly before I fell asleep. I average only 4 and a half to 5 hours sleep per night now, too. My PTSD kicks in and I go off on tangents and argue for no real reason it seems nowadays. The condition is worsening as I get older, memories of my childhood, the beatings I took, come back to me as nightmares and then I add in my military ones and wham, I am all messed up. Sadly, I doubt there is anyway to fix me, or anything I can do to change what is happening to me.

Time continues to fly by for me, and I am closing in on the first anniversary of my wife’s death, on August 10th. It weighs on my mind, even though I know I did all I could for her. I miss her companionship, her honesty, her advice, her love and caring and all of our open communication we always had. I am old now, 66 is no spring chicken anymore, I feel it in my bones and body and in my mind and spirit. Some keep telling me I am still young, the facts are the facts though, I know how old I feel and the aches and pains I feel as well as the mental leaps I have to make to keep going in this life. I struggle to do so, in every way, to such a point small things bother me, and I go off on people I shouldn’t.

I tire of the constant struggle to survive, to even breathe anymore. At times I have to stop and remember to breathe. What do I do all day I am asked, I clean my condo, I walk, I build puzzles, I write on computers, I read, at times play video games, and hide. I can’t stand large crowds, and I can’t stand people who are arrogant, angry, foolish or just in any way, play adolescent,in anyway. I hate liars, thieves, and con men and women. Don’t bullshit me, I hate it.

I lived to 66 and I know it has been a long life for me now, my parents died respectfully at 55, and 59 years old cancer victims. MY wife died a cancer victim too last year. I have had lung cancer also, in 2013. I have sen it, been through it and I hate that it happens to anyone. yet here I sit, alive and have no reason to be, when those have had more to live for then me died at younger ages. Why? The only family member I know on my side, who outlived me was my paternal grandfather, I am told he lived into his 90s.

What my purpose is in being here i do not know, nor am I finding a reason for being here on my own. I know many say, we are all put here for a reason, what that is in my case i have absolutely no idea and never have. Aging is not a great process to go through, nor is the losing of ones mental facilities in any way. Slowly memories start to fade on you. My Aunt died of Alzheimer’s, at 80 years old a while back, I just hope I not, go the same way, it is not a good way to go. Do I fear death or dying? I don’t think so folks. I think in the end, we all can only do so much in life and accomplish only what the good Lord wishes us to, and then carry on and go back to him. We are sent here, to complete some mission, what it is precisely we shall never know, but when we do, I believe we get called back to his side. The grave is not the end of us, except here on earth, we return to whence we came from, to await a new destiny we have no idea of. That’s my belief and feelings as of today.

I have already set up my Trust and my Will is in it. That was done years ago. My burial will be done I am sure by the Military, I served Honorably for 16 years in three branches. And my burial plot is paid for next to my wife’s. I just want peace and to die without intense pain, physically or mentally. Is that asking for too much ?

July 26th, 2022, Existence is All

Monday has arrived ! It is now July 25th, 2022, slowly time ticks on for me, and it is now getting closer to the date of my wife’s passing last August of 2021.

Some will ask how I am doing these days let me describe it for you. I wake up in pain from my back injuries and pain in my stomach area I wake up angry at being alive each day. I am asked, why I am always so angry, well between, my loss of my wife, loneliness, pain each day, I get angry just thinking of why the hell am I, existing these days?

I wake and stumble from bed and fall on the floor, trying to stand up straight half the time, in pain. Then I get dressed slowly and carefully, so my back won’t go or hurt worse than it does. What is planned for the day i am asked, well let me tell you nothing! I have nothing planned each day and I just do nothing, except walk, watch tv, play x-box or on a computer for chats. My life is boring, and I have no social contacts at all here where I live, except for playing pool once a week.

What do I have to look forward to, daily. Actually nothing, there is no one, nothing to do except walk and watch the world go by for me. I don’t want a dog or a cat for a pet they cost to keep alive and care for. They need walking and cleaning up, after daily, and it hurts me to bend and walk.

I go shopping as needed for food, and if I have a Doctor appointment I go as needed. My life is just that mundane, it isn’t a life really, it’s survival and existence only. Am I lying or saying something wrong, no I am not. My life is running towards it’s ending at a fast pace and I know it. I actually have nothing to say to anyone these days, I have no involvement in anyone else’s life, and my own is just that boring.

Do I have a hobby or do I volunteer for anything no, I am too angry for that. So I read old books, build puzzles and watch tv and play video games. I exist, I am alive but barely. I wish I wasn’t alive, many times each day I wake up. I miss my wife, and the life we had, we had companionship, we had communication, we had loyalty and it was a relationship of caring for one another and spending time with one another.

What kills a person is isolation, loneliness, no social interactions, and in the end that eats at one’s mind and soul. I have basically surrendered at 66 years old to what awaits me and what awaits all mankind at one point or another, death. I honestly can say, I have nothing to live for these days, the inevitable outcome stares me in the face every day. The only consolation I have is I shall be buried next to the woman I loved. AT least I know where she is and that I can join her when I go. Life goes on around me, and I do not have the will or want to join in anymore. It’s just a fact for me, and I have grown to accept it as so. So, as stated in many books and many movies across the world we live in, this must be what the death spiral is and feels like! At least in my mind it does!

Things unsaid or undone!

Ok, time to speak of thing to come, time to think of things undone.

Time to speak of dreams big and small.

It is a time to go, I did not do this and should after all.

I had dreams of travel,

Dreams of fun times and loves I left behind,

Time has moved on it seems,

Is fate just so mean?

That all we have is our dream?

There comes a time in life you see,

When we grow older and still love to be free.

We dream of what we could have done and what we would have loved to be,

As we move along toward or en, we think of things we wanted to do,

It could be something simple like saying I love you,

It could be admitting to someone, that you cared, but didn’t tell them at all,

In the end, the pleasure of just telling them is big and it is something once admitted, you can not renege on.

I am glad I said what I had to, to those I cared most about,

For as time goes on, it does run out,

They need to know my real feelings, it’s all about the life we are living. And it is only right.

So, as we move on in age, and we turn each page, at least for me, I did what was right,

I hope you see.

Memorial Day is Coming Fast!

As we close in on Memorial Day 2022, I want people to stop and think what it really means, in the United States. So lets go back to those who gave their lives to create our country in The American Revolution, and then The War of 1812 and work forward to today’s world in America.

We survived Two World Wars, a Korean War we should have never fought and a Vietnam War we didn’t belong in. All of those who lost their lives in each war fought for what they believed in and we believe in as a Nation and a people, Freedom, the right to choice of religion, and the right to free speech. And then add in the Disabled Veteran’s of each war we have been through and the families of those who were injured or lost to them. The Price of America’s Freedom and the right to free speech is huge, ladies and gentlemen. Stop and think if you can of the millions of souls who left this earth early, before their time, to give us the nation we have today or choice, and freedom in all ways. When your cooking burgers and hot dogs and eating so much, and swimming and sunning yourself, stop for at least 30 seconds to remember all who gave so much, for you to be able to do so, in freedom, please.

How many know history in America these days or pay attention to it in anyway? They are few like me, they are also hard to find. While you celebrate the holiday we call Memorial Day, please remember what it really means, for with these men and women who gave their all, The Republic we live in and the democracy it is, would fall. Is Democracy and the Republic something we should forget or let go? No Ladies and Gentlemen, As Ben Franklin said, We shall have a Democracy and a Republic , only as long as we work to preserve and protect it. Our Forefathers had a dream folks, and that dream is reality today and we must remember why and by who it still exists today.

So come Memorial Day, as you party, eat, drink and be merry and head to the beaches and concerts and more, I think everyone should stop, for at least 30 seconds, no matter where you be, and give thanks in silence to those who died for us to be free!

Remember, them all my friends and fellow citizens, for in the least, they deserve to be remembered for all they did and gave, for all of us today! I wish all, A Very Happy and Joyous Memorial Day Holiday! Party Well, just stop for 30 seconds and say Thanks to those who provided it!

Enjoy the time we have on this planet, it passes far too quickly, for anything else.

May 24th, 2022, Amazingly I am still kicking and alive at 66 years old. I thought for sure I would have been gone by 40 years old, with the type of life I lived in my younger days. I of course no longer run the streets of my childhood days, nor do I fight with other men over women anymore, we mature as we age for sure. I was never much of a flirt, nor have I had many relationships with many women over the years, I believe I can count how many there were and they would number less then the ten fingers I have on my two hands.

I never really learned to flirt, and I guess I will never learn to flirt in my lifetime. I always had an old belief, be myself, do what I like and just enjoy life as I go and someone will notice me and it will work out from there. If that works I am fine, if not, I am fine also. While I would like a companion, a friend and confident as a partner in my life I am not desperate to get there, so to say.

I am old fashioned in many ways I guess one would say. Some say I talk too much, others say I am too quiet, depends, on the given situation of course and subjects at hand. Do I socialize, yes sometimes, I play Billiards and I walk a lot, I watch Line Dancing lessons in person for fun, at the Clubhouse here at the Condos I live in. In the meantime I walk a lot, I read a little nowadays the eyes are not as good as they used to be. I am building a puzzle for fun and something to do. I play X-box games, watch ballgames and movies and tv. I cook as needed to eat, and I clean and do my own laundry.

I go to Doctor Appointments as needed and I pay my bills on time to the best of my ability each month. Life is slow here in Westborough actually, and some have advised me, not to get involved with my neighbors or fellow condo owners here. The reason is as one person said to me, never shit in your own backyard people talk. So I stay alone and try to just socialize by doing the Condo activities and walking.

Do I need a woman in my life, well, I don”t need anything really. I would like a woman for companionship, friendship, going out now and then for dinner and maybe dancing or events. There is no desperation for it in me at this time, I laugh, I joke, I wander and I interact as appropriate of course. yet I do miss having someone to cuddle, cook with, and who is a confident and partner in my world. I miss the daily interactions, the laughter, the conversations, the give and take of having a relationship with a woman, who cares for me as i care for her. Yet I shall never rush into anything. Caution is a thing I have at all times, for believe it or not women can destroy just as well as men can and they do it in their own ways. I am not looking for a dependent to take care of, but a woman who can take care of herself, I am no one’s sugar daddy. And I definitely don’t want to be anyone’s ATM or checkbook either. Life has taught me, not to allow hanger-ons and money grubbers or to be taken by cons either, I have learned.

I miss many things my deceased wife and i had together. The Companionship and ability to advise and help one another, the ying and the yang of it so to speak. The laughter the jokes, the quiet conversations, the cuddling and having someone to sleep with too. The normal everyday interactions of doing things for someone because you love and care for them, so to say. I am 66 years old now, and even if I miss these things, I know better than to rush in, for like Elvis said in his song, Only Fools Rush In.

So what do I do next in my life, for I do not know how much time i have left for sure, none of ys do. We wake up each day and see the world and we sleep each night in peace if we can. That is all we can expect in life is to have a home, a place to sleep and eat, clothing and the ability to interact with others is it not? I think so, so that is what I attempt to do daily.

Let me say this for all who doubt me, or laugh at me when I speak of relationships, or how I think on them. I was married, the first time for 12 years and had two daughters. I was married and with the same woman the second time for 28 years, and at no time did I flirt with them at all or any other woman, I don’t know how to flirt never did and probably never will either. I did ask them to dance, I did buy them a meal. But we gravitated to one another for we admired each other, not because we were rich, or chasing each other. So I guess, what I am trying to say is simple, I don’t chase women period. I talk to them, I joke with them, I interact with them, but I am not running around trying to jump their bones or get in their beds or pants. Never have, what happens, happens is how I look at it and is no one’s business except my own or whoever I am with. Sex is not my primary concern these days, I am older. Period.

I am not a drinker, I drink socially and I use light drink like Seagrams Escapes. 5 percent alcohol folks, lite, easy, tasty and refreshing one at a time, is all and never more than two so I do not get drunk. I don’t smoke, gave up cigarettes many years ago before I got lung cancer and i overcame lung cancer in 2013. I was lucky I had good doctors who saved my life. So in a basket I am decently educated with an Associates Degree, and knowledgeable from my lifetime, and my service time in three different branches that I served in. Yes i said three, I started in The US. Army, and then went to National Guard and then the Us Navy before i was done after 16 years and injured on duty and discharged Honorably under Medical Conditions. Do I hurt from my injuries yes, do I cry about them no. Am I able to walk and look normal as i do, yes. So, I put up with my injuries and I live as close to normal as i can, period.

Now, do I have regrets, I think all human beings have regrets in their lives. Don’t we all? Some f us regret our childhoods, some ou=r teenage years and some our times when we were foolish or stupid in life. Some of us regret our actions, agaionst others and those we loved, and some of us regret missed loves or possibilities that could have happened in our lives and could have made major differences, like going down a different road you know, bad turns or wrong ones. Thats what life is about folks, and yes sometimes i look back on life and my life in particular and go I should have said something, I should have done something different, what a change it would have made. But in the end the truth is you can’t change anything once the time slips by, so you learn to live with it all, dont you.

As the world spins today with wars going on, politics going crazy, the economy out of whack and more, you just have to learn to live with it, deal with it and do the best you can to survive. For that is what life is about is it not? In the end we all end up going back to our maker, and that is an inescapable conclusion to life. Old saying said you can escape taxes and death, it’s very true folks.

In conclusion today, let me say this for all, who read this. I am not sad, I am not sorry, I am not depressed, I am not glad, or happy, I am existing and making the best of what is here before me. Isn’t that what all of us should do as life goes on for us, take care of ourselves, don’t harm or hurt anyone else, and enjoy the time we have on this planet it passes far too quickly for anything else.

Time will tell, but I don’t want to wait forever either, I am 66.

Sunday in Westborough, Ma, today’s temps will be in the 90’s they say, Ac units can’t keep iup it seems. Heat is becoming a problem for all of us elderly people for sure, but we shall struggle through I am sure. At 66 I am not used to high heat and humidity like i am experiencing right now so fan time and ac on too. Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t I don’t know.

Last night The Boston Celtics lost to the Heat, and it wasn’t even a close game in my opinion, but, they will come back in game four I am sure. Too many turnovers and bad shooting average got em last night.

Well, I am 66 years old, and I try dating sites to see if I can make female friends, yes I am guilty of trying them. I am finding though, too many abandoned profiles, too many phoney sites and too many just seeking someone to pay their bills. Life to me is sharing time withs omeone, having fun with someone, not paying their bills for them. Look we all age folks, and we all know it, but I am no one’s ATM to pay their bills and don’t appreciate people who try to use me for that purpose.

Now some will ask what am I looking for in a female partner or companion. Friendship is one, caring is two, loyal is three, and fun is four. Intelligence is good and a sense of humor too, and active in some ways. I am retired and trying to learn a new area in Westborough, ‘s passing, it isn’t! If you spent 16 years taking care of a cancer patient and stayed by their side, you would know what I am saying is true. I did what was right by my wife as she passed and while she lived, I was dedicated to her completely.

At 66 now and a widower, I want a companion, I want communication, I want laughter I want adventure in many ways. I want a woman with a sense of self and smarts, and a sense of humor. I want someone who is interesting and likes to cuddle and takes it easy too. I do like walking, I do like reading and writing, I do like socializing with people at billiards or, watching people line dance, or even going to karaoke clubs. I like exploring and walking malls too. What I am finding is I am a social person to a degree and there are times when I want some private quiet moments too. I hope that makes sense.

Look, I tried Zoosk, and Ourtime and other web sites, online dating is not working for me. I don’t like the politics and religion bullshit in these chats and sites. I liked years ago when there were singles dances i attended and where I would go listen to music gab fest and have fun and if I saw a woman I liked I asked her to dance. Those days it seems have died in modern America and amid the covid crisis. AT 66, we all fear getting covid and dying, so we become over careful and I get it I do, but at some point, you have to take a chance and live your life out, also.

How to find a partner when your widowed and 66, I have no idea. I am in a new State, Massachusetts, A new town, Westborough, and have no idea where people go to have fun and meet others in my age group. People are polite here and i appreciate that I do, and i like it, but, to meet someone it needs to go beyond Hi, How are you, for a conversation, ya know what I mean.

Let me say this, and I find it laughable and funny when I do, I was married twice in my lifetime, once for 12 years and then the second for 28 years, and in that time and in my life I have never learned even how to flirt! I have no idea how to flirt with a woman, I have no skills in that area, see. How did i meet my wives then some will ask, one was playing pool in the navy and the second was found in a singles dance, I attended one night.

The way I have always thought about it when I do, is, just be myself, do what I like, have fun and someone will find me. I like walking, I like being me, I like listening to music, reading, writing. As to what else there is to do in my area here in Westborough, so far I have no real idea. I like bowling at least I used to also. I am old fashioned i guess when it comes to relationships.

Anyway, that’s my thoughts for today, May 22nd, 2022. I am hoping at some point I can find someone, but life is complicated and busy and people are doing their own things in this world for sure. Time will tell, but I don’t want to wait forever either, I am 66.

May is Moving along, and so is life!

Well, May 2022 is well underway now. The weather is getting warmer and it seems people are coming outside some. Covid is still with us folks, so unless you have had it and are vaccinated I would suggest wearing a mask. There are now many strains of the covid virus and no one knows for sure how many there may be. For me I had the vaccine and two booster shots and still got covid in December of last year. While the vaccine will keep the symptoms down for you if you get covid it will not fully prevent you from getting it. I am 66 years old and I have other medical problems, making me capable of getting the virus so I am vaccinated. Now, some don’t believe they can get the virus and believe it to be a hoax, it isn’t, the death numbers from it prove that in and of itself. So please be careful about it all.

Next subject to address for me. Dating sites believe it or not! As a widower who lost his wife last year in August, I have been experimenting and checking out certain dating sites. What I find is because I am a widower, many women frown on me for looking or attempting to find someone, when my wife passed last August. Ladies do me a favor, don’t determine by the date of my wife’s passing whether it has been too short a time for me to be looking, ok. I spent 16 years, taking care of my wife with her cancer and she passed, before I even thought of looking at other women. So, 16 years is a long time for a man to go without being with a woman. So please don’t jump on the wagon and say too soon to me. it isn’t.

I have tried Zoosk, I have tried Ourtime, and others, I keep looking and hoping to find a woman in my new area of Massachusetts where I live. Then I get asked why are you here in Massachusetts? Simple folks I am 66 years old, my wife passed, and the only family I have really is my sister who lives in this state. I wanted to be near someone I love and who is family to me. I hope that makes sense to all. The hardest part of all I have been through is trying to start over in a new state, in a new city/town and not knowing a single person. So I try to reach out by looking at dating sites for the area I am in and hope to find a woman as a friend first, and if it develops into a relationship fine , if not that’s fine too, as long as I can make friends.

Am I going about it wrong, I think not, I now live by myself in a condo thats new and in a decent town, Westborough here. It is quiet yes, and it is hard to get to know people for me, because all are different of course and it will take time.But with hope and looking forward I am trying. I would like to spend my remaining years in comfort and with a woman who likes having a companion, a friend and maybe a lover too. But, I also know women can be reluctant to associate with strangers. So I don’t push anything on anyone I am me, for who else can I be.

I like to write short stories, blogs and poems and I like walking. I am learning a game called pickleball up here and have only played it one full day. I hurt an ankle doing it and I am slowly recovering now from that. I love the game, was just not equipped with the right sneakers when it happened.

I fish and I like to walk the lake here and the malls around too. I play billiards with some here in the condo community and I am slowly watching line dancing lessons and trying to make friends. I hope it is working. I take care of my condo of course and my belongings and try to be me, is all.

I do not interfere in others lives, and I try to just have fun and be social, it is what life is about for us, who are human beings, is it not? Anyway, I go on alone these days, because i know not this town, or this state, so I am trying to find people to meet, places to go to and things to do to entertain myself and to get involved. It is rough when the only person you knew ,so well passes, and you have to start over at 66 years old, so, I ask that people try to consider that as I go forward in my life. I don’t know how long I may live, 66 is no spring chicken that’s for sure, but, I am not ready to depart mother earth by, a far means. So I want to try to enjoy my elder years, as much as I can, and hopefully with someone, time shall tell. In the meantime life goes on and i feel sometimes lost and at other time unsure, but I go one day at a time is all. I hope that makes sense.

I try to stay out of certain things, I am sure others do too. I try to avoid politics and religion, mainly because it only causes fights and arguments. I love sports, and friendly clubs and music. I used to DJ online, but gave that up when my deceased wife got sick years ago. So, these days it is chat rooms online, Xbox games for fun, television and movies in my home, and walking mostly. I do enjoy cooking when I get a chance or am in the mood to do so. Reading I do on and off or build puzzles. I really have no idea what to do in the area being new here.

Life will move on no matter what I do, so I plan to try to enjoy, I try to laugh and make friends and hope I can build a life enough to love my own out in.