Tag: anxiety

I hope so, wish me luck!


As we get older, we also, tend to get smarter about life and avoid the mistakes of our own past. We tend to stop before we leap and think first and go wait a second, been here, done this before an dnot doing it again. It happens in daily things we do, it happens in jobs we take on and relationships we have and so much more. The fact is, we all use our past experiences in life to make present day and ongoing decisions every moment we are awake. Just stop and think about it fora few moments and you shall know, what I am talking about.

We all of us can’t all be Einstiens, nor can we all be dumb, we all tend to be in the middle, some of us are polite, some of us are rude too. Some are kind, some are cruel and this is not sexist in anyway, it is just human. Humanity is not perfect in anyway, from looks to habits, to likes and dislikes, we all tend to adjust to what we like or don’t like. Some of us are stubborn and hard headed, some of us are kind and gulliable, some us laugh easy and some of us cry easy. Why we do so is based on what we have experienced and lived through in our own lives so to say. Some have had the easy life, things handed to us on a platter so to say, and other shave had to struggle through in all we do. We don’t have full control over life, it sometimes controls us. Fates, destinies, at times can not be changed and at othe rtimes we tend to realize something that touches us personally, or is unigue to us alone, and it changes how we react and what we do next. Thats the fascination of life, it’s unpredicability daily. Life is indeed a mystery to even me, and I be 68 years old now.

I have learned lately though that you can’t force anything, you can’t search too hard, and make things happen, and that you must take it as it comes to you. I tried hard many times to force things and be something I am not, and in the end learned, people see through anything that is phoney or acting. I also learned it doesn’t matter if you dress uppretty, or dye your hair, or try to fit in by beingl like all the rest, it only makes you look and feel like you don’t fit in. Just be you, and i guess that will always be what works best.

I have friends from my younger days I have known now for over 50 years. One female and one male, and each seem to have advise for me in my current situation and age and I have given each of them advise in our younger days. I recently thought outloud on a blog and Facebook post, how I thought I had grown old and wa slike one of the Old Men in that old Movie Grumpy Old Men. Well, my female friend from all those years ago told me I amnot that way, she knows it, and that I am not too old and done in life, and more than she is and she is my age too. So, that makes one think.

Male friend, wa sthe best man at my second marriage and I have known him since i was 14. We ran the streets of our old home rown together, we fished and camped and hiked together. I knew his wife and his children in his first marriage. So he knows me well as I know him. One day, many years ago I walked into his apartment to find him surrounded by letters hew as writing to numerous women, from a magazine. He wanted a date and to meet a new woman in his life after his divorce. I was going through similar circumstances at the time. I told him to stop writing letters, he was wasting money and time. He looked at me and asked what I meant. I said look, the only way your going to get anywhere in life is to be yourself, do the job you have, do what you love to do, and they will find you. Women want men who are happy, content and who do their own things. Well, he said ok, and then I took him to singles dances and showed him. We walked into one and I just did my thing, ignoring all the ladies and being myself and he followed. Within 10 minutes two women walked upto us and started talking to us and neither of us had said a word. All I did was carry myself with pride and decently and smile. It wasn’t the look, it was the attitude and the confidence I explained to him later. Now, I met my second wife at those dances, and it went 28 years for us, untill she passed from cancer. For him the dances didn’t work, but the advise did when I tiold him to be himself and they will find him, he and his wife have now been married for 30 years now. All he did was go to work and be himself, thats all he had to do really.

Au Naturale, does not mean naked folks alone, it means authenicate, real, being you ! Don’t ever try to be something you are not, don’t try to act like all the rest, it is being comfortable with who you are and accepting yourself first, thats make sit easy for someone else to accept you. I have given up trying to hunt and peck through Dating sites, and web sites now and I have given up looking forfemale companionship, because I learned I can’t keep crying ove rit, nor can I force it, I just have to be me and enjoy life, even as a single man again anda widower. I can’t replace the one I lost and I shouldn’t compare anyone to her, just be me and accept others fro who they are too. It isa two way street, but, forcing anything doesn’t work.

So, I walk, I go out and eat on my own, I may stop in a bar or tavern, and do a movie alone. Doesn’t matter anymore what I do, I may fish, or bowl or play pool, I may just go for a ride. But, I am no longer gonna be playing the searching games, the hoping game, the wishing game of looking. It doesn’t work, the more your push or search or try the less you find it seems to me. So, I shall do what I advised my friend many years ago to do, do me, have fun and just carry on and let nature take it’s course. Thats what life is all about, I believe, and just use my own experiences and feelings and thoughts to make my own decisions as I go along in life. Pretty simple right, I hope so, wish me luck!

Fates and destiny.


 Good Morning to all, who may read this, it is Friday 9 Feb. 2024. Right now it is 5;40 am and I got out of bed ten minutes ago. Mornings for me are slow and silent for I live alone, since my wife passed in August of 2021. I will say this, it takes time to adjust to being alone again after spending 28 years in a relationship. My wife, whom I miss dearly, was 16 years my senior, and many will say, how did I end up with her. For me it was after a divorce from my first wife. That divorce, made me rethink life and how cruel it can be to anyone, of either sex. Relationships are good for your health both mentally and physically actually, and keep you emotionally balanced also at times. But, when they go astray, or end, it hurts you mentally and emotionally for sure. All takes time to pull yourself back together as a person and to reassembly emotionally and mentally, I know I have lived it now, twice as far as marriage goes. The seperation, the losses can accumulate fiancially, and emotional and you tend to live on the cheap and avoid any involvement.

 I can’t say it is good or bad, that all depends on each case and the cause of it all, and how each individual really handles it. Even the best people whether male or female, who bounce back fast, realize once they do, just how hurtful they may be these divorces, or losing a lifetime partner to disease. In my case I have gone through both of the above. The hardest thing is realizing, you are not to blame in reality, but you still have suffered the losses.

We tend to pick ourselves up and move on, out of pure need and natural desires. There is the need for companionship, there is the need for physical affection and sex, there is the need in wanting to belong and caring for someone else. Some people avoid all of the above the rest of their lives and they become like me, an elder, who is ok with being a single and fear any involvement, so, we stay home alone and hide. Fears and anxieties run us basically, we fear being dumped or discarded, we fear involvement or attachment, and in today’s america, it makes us stand out.

  Once we rationalize and realize it is cheaper alone, and start doing things on our own, we begin to understand, we can do it. It isn’t neccessarily what we really want, but, we begin to accept it all. Isolating ourselves from all around us, is not being off-standish, or, being a loner or drifter, it’s self-preservation really. We do so, because we fear getting involved once more. My first marriage went 12 years ending in divorce. it took me two years before I even ventured out on my own. My Second marriage went a total of 28 years with the same woman I loved dearly, who passed from cancer. I think of her daily, miss her dearly and basically stay alone. My fears are not the same as many maybe but they exist. I fear the emotional commitment it would take to get involved again, I fear being discarded or ignored or being used by someone. I fear doing comparrisons to my deceased wife and hurting a woman, emotionally due to it. Then you add in age, I am 68, loss of looks and hair, illnesses, and you can inderstand it, if you listen. I never was Mr. Handsome, or Mr. romantic, or a giggilo, or anything along those lines. I do not have talents of singing or playing music, nor am I a physical sportsman type. So, being your average, 68 year old man with physical limitations due to disability, I basically putter along. It doesn’t mean, I do not have wants, desires and needs, it does mean, I know my own limits and difficulties in life. I have never and shall never, impose or burden another person, I do not force myself on anyone either, so, as I see it, if I feel I am not accepted, I move on. I do not force myself in groups or events, I am not invited to and usually I avoid crowds.

 It;s now been since August of 2021 I am alone in the world. I have slowly adapted to that status and accept it. Doesn’t mean I like it or enjoy it, just means you accept what life has dealt you. With age, comes medical conditions and you learn to deal with that as you can of course. In my case time shall tell what is next for me. I have lost my grandfathers to cancer, my step-father to cancer, and my mother too, and my second wife. As I was carrying for my second wife in her 16 year struggle with cancer I myself had it too, I suffered lung cancer in 2013, and lost a lobe and one third of my right lung to it. Yet I still survive today, why, I am still trying to figure out. I remember my second wife telling me I would be ok to my face, and behind my back to my sister, she said I would probally not make it. But I did, why, I do not know, yet here I be and she is gone from me. All, I have is sadness and I live through it daily the best I can and make the best I can of my life. If you lose someone, you would understand, your here, they are gone and the best you can do is carry on. Because you do not control your own fate or destiny, that belongs to someone or something of a greater power than you or me.

 I have seen people and watched people and heard of people who have taken their own lives. Depression, illness, both mentally and physically can lead to emotional breakdowns and suicides. So, I tell many the best thing you can do is stay busy, walk, find hobbies, write like me, read, try to keep busy. For when you stop, is when you are in the most danger,from depression. A busy mind and heart will keep ticking, I am not saying it is easy to do, for I know it is not. I also know the alternative is not a choice I accept at this point, so I try to push forward and hope for the best each day. Yet I also know, my own cancer can come back, and take me too. If it does, I know I have lived a pretty full life, in my own way.

  I have had a life filled with physical pain, mental pain, and emotional pain too. I have overcome and carried on through it all. I spent my childhood trying to fit in, I spent years helping my family I grew up in, even though my mother tried to cast me away. I spent my teen and formative years taking care of my younger siblings. Then I spent my 20’a and into my 30’s serving my country in three branches of service. I married and divoced and had two of everything you can think of while in service. I think I did ok, for a kid who didn’t graduate high school. I got a GED. I went on from service and divorce and having rwo children to a lonely three year period. Then I found my second wife and returned to college thanks to the Veterans administration. I got an associates degree at 40 years old folks, became a member of Honor Societies also. Won, Honors in college and an Award. Yes I did ok.

 I was a factory worker,a serviveman, did military service and more. I taught people to draw when I was younger and learn to write. I have short stories and poems I wrote online and of course my blogs I do here. Someone asked me what kind of a leagacy I may leave behind when I go, my writtings may be that, for sure. I was a father, a husband, and a friend to some. I still have two friends I met when I was 14 to this day. Life is a mystery, but, if you work at it, it can be worth the suffering, and you may enjoy it too. Always remember, we know not why we are put upon this earth or what our purpose is, but, I firmly believe, we are here for a mission or purpose we do not understand, or know of, but when we complete that unknown mission, we are recalled to where from whence we came. We just do not know, when or what that mission may be. But, it is the only logical conclusion, for me. So, I write my blogs and do my things daily that I can, it’s all part of life, as we who live it, can be, we go on to our fates and destiny.

Just a fact all!


 Feb. 5th, 2024, has begun and the sun is out for a change, but the cold continues on. The weather is normal for this time of year actually, if you live in New England, of USA.

  Now at 68 years old, I wonder what can be ahead of me, or next in my life. I have been pretty lucky so far, I can honestly say. But, what it leads to or how my life goes from here on in, is hard to know. I never expected many things in my life, so, I am lucky to survive many things. Yet, I also know, whatever is next for me, I must confront and work thru and make it work in a positive manner for me. For as I know, I don’t need bador megative things nea ror around me. Best to skip the drama and crazy interactions that can occur if you fall for them. Use past experience to steer around it all is what I say.

 Now, I sometimes wonder how we got where we are these days, concerning interactions and communications in life. Today everything is a e-mail. or text or online like chat programs. The fact that face to face meetings do not happen much is no surprise. Most meetings or even dates these days between sexes, happen online in one way or another. The wall ofprotection it provides is pretty good, but, it also stops actually in person contacts. Seems that online dating sites are what people are doing these days. Create a profile, fill it in, and then search fora match. Pretty informal, and sad if you ask me. But it is the growing fad these days. The sad part is that people are doing so over the internet, and real life meetings are just a tease in reality, people have fears, and anxieties and I don’t blame them. For fears can go from the point of crazies online who are killers, to fears and anxieties, of what can happen, even is people do meet in a public place. Then we run into the loneliness syndrome, in America and the world in general. I saw a sign online one day that says it all to me, it read; Start doing meetings with people the old fashioned way, in person and actually talking, face to face, it works better. You know, go out, and havea drink in a bar and talk to people. Yet, when you do it, you willnotice as I did, few peopleactually talk toa single man or woman in aclub, bar / tavern. Why, because, if your new to that bar, or tavern/ club, it takes numerous times being there for peopleto even talk to you, they stay with those they know and avaoid the new. So, it becomes a circle really, you jump in an dgive it a try and it doesn’t work, so the loneliness syndrome continues on. You can’t break the syndrome in today’s society, why, again,it is fear, anxietires thayt raises itself each time you make or take a chance. Self-preservation comes into effect, and we steer clear of strangers, and the cycle goes on. The cynical reactions and views, come into play and people, avoid taking chances these days. Why, because many want money, many fear being hurt, and many live out their anxieties, and determine it’s easier to saty alone. Sad I knowbut true in today’s world, in Ameica.

 I personally, have surrendeed and given up at my age of 68. While Senior Centers are nice if your into them, it is not a great way to find apartner in crime so to say. Bars and taverns are not made for the elderly, they are made for the younger crowds, in their 20’s to 50’s. But, olde rpeoplelike myself have no place to go, to meet anyone. So it is an endless cycle, with no end in sight. So, dating in your 50’s and up gets tougher as you age, and many turn to internet dating sites, like Zoosk, Match and Plentyof Fish and others. I can tell you, they cost money to even use, nothing is free. Then there is no proof or guarantee that you will find anyone to even date or meet. Many fake profiles, lot sofl ying, old pics and dead profiles on these sites also. It’s acually a sad state of affairs for most. Dating sites are ok if you have money and want to give to them for helping you, but they suck your money out of you. They are not, free nothing in life is, is it?

 Well as the day gets going here, I wonder what it can bring for each of us. I don’t know and neither do you ! Surprises pop up, we run into blockades and keep going. We tend to work around them and carry on. Unless, your like me, alone, and afraid to go out and do anything, why, well at 68 noone wants an eldery person slowly them down or hindering them, or becoming a burden or imposing upon them and their lives. So, many like myself, don’t want pity, we don’t want to be a burden or impose and we have our own pride, so we stay alone. Life does indeed slow down as we age. The energy you had in younger ages, has been used up and you coast to your ending, as you go forward alone. It is funny how it isa cycle that goes from being born alone, being alone when you start and then finding so many years later, that you will more than likely go out as you came into the world alone. Thats where it is in life folks. The downhill ride begins, and you just go along, for you have no choice. Just a fact all!