Saturday March 23rd, 2024, began for me at 5:30 Am, when I awoke. Chilly outside at this time 23 degrees and we are now in spring, yet it has ceased to actually have sprung, it seems. It, seems to be a morning for me of reflections and thoughts of the past mostly. I stop at times to think of my childhood, and growing up the way I did, under the circumstances my parents had and all my siblings and I.

We were never a rich family, and my step-father and my mother both worked all their lives , practically. Dad was a Machinist, who worked in a factory and mom a Nurse’s Aid, they both worked mostly the second shift 3 pm to 11 pm. To save money my elder brother would babysit us in the evening, until I was old enough to take over. He went off into the sports world playing any sport he could to escape, and I ended up the babysitter for my two younger brothers and my sister. I used to have to rush home everyday from High School to be there, when they left for work. Until, I hit a point in time, I met girls and made friends in the town we lived in. Then I basically escaped too. But, I always was forced to help dad rebuild the home, and the stone wall we had. I had to fight with my younger brother, who was mad as hell at dad for beating us and mistreating us, and he went after his younger siblings, until I stopped him. It was a position of older brother and protector I was forced into for a while and learned things from.

Eventually, I had enough and got fed up with it all and by my Junior Year of High School I quit school, got a job, and paid my parents a rent to live home. At one point I had blow-up with Dad and he threw me out into the street, clothes and all in a snow storm, I ended up in the YMCA, for a couple of years. I did The U.S. Army for about 6 months and got a trainee discharge, but, joined the National Guard. Did that for a few years, and then joined the Navy, for a good 12 years.

I was married the first time for 12 years, the last two separated from my wife and daughters and came home. My first wife I met in the Navy and it was a decent marriage until her past came back to haunt her. Once ethe divorce became final, I floundered some and move around, from the YMCA, to a apartment in a basement of someone’s building who gave me a break on the rent. I used to hang out in a friend’s apartment at times and at the Dunkin Doughnuts in town. Then I started looking for a way to start my life over, I was lonely. So I started going to Single’s Dances at a Tavern in a different town.

That’s where I met my second wife, who was really the love of my life. She was 16 years older than I, smart, pretty, a sense of humor and a lady I will love forever. We hooked dup on that dance floor first, dated some for the summer and by fall she invited me to move in with her. I did. We stayed together from there on for the next 28 years, in two different homes in two different cities. Our life was a quiet one for 28 years as we worked at first untilI couldn’t anymore due to Naval Injuries, and then lived off my disabilities and out social securities until she died. We paid off the home we had and we would always go to visit her kid, he family and the only one I saw was my sister now and then.

I was fine, because my family was never close. Then in 2005, my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and the battle to keep her alive began. Doctor’s, tests, prescriptions and then ultimately chemo and radiation, until she went into remission. Then, I got lung cancer in 2013, and had a lobe and a third of my lung removed, no chemo or radiation needed and survived. Then her breast cancer returned, and the treatments came back, taking her back and forth all the time. COVID hit and she had to suffer thru the treatments on her own for a few months until they let me in with her. Then COVID restraints were lifted and we kept her on them steady. Finally at one point the Doctors told us the treatments were not working for her anymore and dher cancer was advancing, she opted to go to Immunno therapy then. I had no say, because it was the last resort for her and she knew it.

Immuno Theraphy it was for a year or so,until they shut her off and I was pushing her in a wheel chair to the Doctors each week for check-ups. She recovered some and was able at one point to be as close to normal as she could and even walked around the house and such. It was almost normal in all ways. Then, one night it was bedtime, I looked at her and said lets go to bed, she said no, she was staying in my recliner that nite. I went up to bed and went to sleep, till 3 am, when I heard the walls banging. I rushed downstairs, and found her, on the floor in the doorway to the bathroom. She had fallen and hit her head, I got her up and into a chair and tried to check her, but, she wasn’t well. I then told her I was calling an ambulance she refused and told me to call her daughter. I did, but, that only delayed me calling the ambulance and off to the hospital we went. We went through her hospitalization the first time halfway decent, took her two months to get back home after a stay in a rehab facility. I visited her daily, talking to her, watching TV with her, staying with her all I could. Then, she came home for a while once more for about a month.

One night we were atching television together, and she slumped to one side in her chair. I asked her why she was slumping, she said she didn’r know and I knew she wasn’t right. I called an ambulance again and off we went to the Emergency Room. They admitted her, treated her for two weeks the best they could then sent her off to a new Rehab in Hartford. For a month I drove there each day, spending time with her as she tried to recover once more, until a doctor came in and told her and I they were transferring her back to the rehab near our home. What I didn’t know and learned at that time was her cancer has spread to her bones and blood stream and brain and she has a small tumor in her brain. I was hocked and scarred now, but I stayed strong for her, the best I could.

My wife knew she was dying, at that point, and tried to fight back the best she could. I stayed with her, and tried to feed her the best I could,watch TV with her, talk to her all I could. But, by now it was the beggining of July of 2021, and she was fading fast. I came in one day in late July to find her trying to eat an durable to get the food to her mouth, so I fed her and went to see the Aministrator of the Rehab. I asked why she wasn’t being fed, and was upset. The Administrator looked at me and told me they are doing what they could. I asked how much longer her medicaid would cover and was told three more days. I called in Hospice and set her up to come home in two days.

The Hospice team set up a bed and equipment for her in our home and she came home to me, on July 29th, 2021. If ed her, hired a nurse to clean her daily and did the best I could. I had my sister come help me with her and tried to get her daughter too come and help. In the end, we did all we could for my wife, I know I did, On August 1oth, 2021, the nurse came to clean her, and told me she would not touch her. I asked why and she said, she had seen this stage before and my wife was on her way out. The nurse stayed for her hour I paid for and then left, 20minutes later, my wife passed. The cancer had won and I had lost. I still remember I had kissed her forehead and told her I loved her, and her last words to me were she loved me too.

Ten days later, we buried my wife, and I said my final goodbye to her by her grave as I cried. After 16 years of her fighting cancer rit was over, she was finally at rest. Thank God for that, for she had suffered bravely for those 16 years. As to me, I had to go on, which meant, selling all in the house and the house and getting out of it myself. My sister helped me thru it all and I stayed with her till I could find a place of my own, in another town and state nearer to her. Now a days, I live in a 956 ft. condo in Massachuetts, by myself, I am lonely at times and sometimes find myself reminising and looking back. I miss her everyday and I know she can’t come back and I can not reach her either. So I struggle at times, and push through the best I can, it will be three years in August of this year 2024. As to what happens to me, I do not know, I go day by day and push through the best I can, living in a 55 plus community in strange town, but, I am still here. The question is for how long and what is next ?