Tag: cancer

Looking Back, Still here!


Saturday March 23rd, 2024, began for me at 5:30 Am, when I awoke. Chilly outside at this time 23 degrees and we are now in spring, yet it has ceased to actually have sprung, it seems. It, seems to be a morning for me of reflections and thoughts of the past mostly. I stop at times to think of my childhood, and growing up the way I did, under the circumstances my parents had and all my siblings and I.

We were never a rich family, and my step-father and my mother both worked all their lives , practically. Dad was a Machinist, who worked in a factory and mom a Nurse’s Aid, they both worked mostly the second shift 3 pm to 11 pm. To save money my elder brother would babysit us in the evening, until I was old enough to take over. He went off into the sports world playing any sport he could to escape, and I ended up the babysitter for my two younger brothers and my sister. I used to have to rush home everyday from High School to be there, when they left for work. Until, I hit a point in time, I met girls and made friends in the town we lived in. Then I basically escaped too. But, I always was forced to help dad rebuild the home, and the stone wall we had. I had to fight with my younger brother, who was mad as hell at dad for beating us and mistreating us, and he went after his younger siblings, until I stopped him. It was a position of older brother and protector I was forced into for a while and learned things from.

Eventually, I had enough and got fed up with it all and by my Junior Year of High School I quit school, got a job, and paid my parents a rent to live home. At one point I had blow-up with Dad and he threw me out into the street, clothes and all in a snow storm, I ended up in the YMCA, for a couple of years. I did The U.S. Army for about 6 months and got a trainee discharge, but, joined the National Guard. Did that for a few years, and then joined the Navy, for a good 12 years.

I was married the first time for 12 years, the last two separated from my wife and daughters and came home. My first wife I met in the Navy and it was a decent marriage until her past came back to haunt her. Once ethe divorce became final, I floundered some and move around, from the YMCA, to a apartment in a basement of someone’s building who gave me a break on the rent. I used to hang out in a friend’s apartment at times and at the Dunkin Doughnuts in town. Then I started looking for a way to start my life over, I was lonely. So I started going to Single’s Dances at a Tavern in a different town.

That’s where I met my second wife, who was really the love of my life. She was 16 years older than I, smart, pretty, a sense of humor and a lady I will love forever. We hooked dup on that dance floor first, dated some for the summer and by fall she invited me to move in with her. I did. We stayed together from there on for the next 28 years, in two different homes in two different cities. Our life was a quiet one for 28 years as we worked at first untilI couldn’t anymore due to Naval Injuries, and then lived off my disabilities and out social securities until she died. We paid off the home we had and we would always go to visit her kid, he family and the only one I saw was my sister now and then.

I was fine, because my family was never close. Then in 2005, my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and the battle to keep her alive began. Doctor’s, tests, prescriptions and then ultimately chemo and radiation, until she went into remission. Then, I got lung cancer in 2013, and had a lobe and a third of my lung removed, no chemo or radiation needed and survived. Then her breast cancer returned, and the treatments came back, taking her back and forth all the time. COVID hit and she had to suffer thru the treatments on her own for a few months until they let me in with her. Then COVID restraints were lifted and we kept her on them steady. Finally at one point the Doctors told us the treatments were not working for her anymore and dher cancer was advancing, she opted to go to Immunno therapy then. I had no say, because it was the last resort for her and she knew it.

Immuno Theraphy it was for a year or so,until they shut her off and I was pushing her in a wheel chair to the Doctors each week for check-ups. She recovered some and was able at one point to be as close to normal as she could and even walked around the house and such. It was almost normal in all ways. Then, one night it was bedtime, I looked at her and said lets go to bed, she said no, she was staying in my recliner that nite. I went up to bed and went to sleep, till 3 am, when I heard the walls banging. I rushed downstairs, and found her, on the floor in the doorway to the bathroom. She had fallen and hit her head, I got her up and into a chair and tried to check her, but, she wasn’t well. I then told her I was calling an ambulance she refused and told me to call her daughter. I did, but, that only delayed me calling the ambulance and off to the hospital we went. We went through her hospitalization the first time halfway decent, took her two months to get back home after a stay in a rehab facility. I visited her daily, talking to her, watching TV with her, staying with her all I could. Then, she came home for a while once more for about a month.

One night we were atching television together, and she slumped to one side in her chair. I asked her why she was slumping, she said she didn’r know and I knew she wasn’t right. I called an ambulance again and off we went to the Emergency Room. They admitted her, treated her for two weeks the best they could then sent her off to a new Rehab in Hartford. For a month I drove there each day, spending time with her as she tried to recover once more, until a doctor came in and told her and I they were transferring her back to the rehab near our home. What I didn’t know and learned at that time was her cancer has spread to her bones and blood stream and brain and she has a small tumor in her brain. I was hocked and scarred now, but I stayed strong for her, the best I could.

My wife knew she was dying, at that point, and tried to fight back the best she could. I stayed with her, and tried to feed her the best I could,watch TV with her, talk to her all I could. But, by now it was the beggining of July of 2021, and she was fading fast. I came in one day in late July to find her trying to eat an durable to get the food to her mouth, so I fed her and went to see the Aministrator of the Rehab. I asked why she wasn’t being fed, and was upset. The Administrator looked at me and told me they are doing what they could. I asked how much longer her medicaid would cover and was told three more days. I called in Hospice and set her up to come home in two days.

The Hospice team set up a bed and equipment for her in our home and she came home to me, on July 29th, 2021. If ed her, hired a nurse to clean her daily and did the best I could. I had my sister come help me with her and tried to get her daughter too come and help. In the end, we did all we could for my wife, I know I did, On August 1oth, 2021, the nurse came to clean her, and told me she would not touch her. I asked why and she said, she had seen this stage before and my wife was on her way out. The nurse stayed for her hour I paid for and then left, 20minutes later, my wife passed. The cancer had won and I had lost. I still remember I had kissed her forehead and told her I loved her, and her last words to me were she loved me too.

Ten days later, we buried my wife, and I said my final goodbye to her by her grave as I cried. After 16 years of her fighting cancer rit was over, she was finally at rest. Thank God for that, for she had suffered bravely for those 16 years. As to me, I had to go on, which meant, selling all in the house and the house and getting out of it myself. My sister helped me thru it all and I stayed with her till I could find a place of my own, in another town and state nearer to her. Now a days, I live in a 956 ft. condo in Massachuetts, by myself, I am lonely at times and sometimes find myself reminising and looking back. I miss her everyday and I know she can’t come back and I can not reach her either. So I struggle at times, and push through the best I can, it will be three years in August of this year 2024. As to what happens to me, I do not know, I go day by day and push through the best I can, living in a 55 plus community in strange town, but, I am still here. The question is for how long and what is next ?

Grief, Dealing with it


Today is December 6th, 2023, the year has been flying by for all of us and time stops for no one and we age as it does. We go through life and we never stop to think that, we may depart it at any moment, and those we care about may do so too. Now, I was watching CNN this am and Anderson Cooper was talking about his podcast he did regarding grief and loss and how one handles it in life. He even hada conversation with President Joe Biden regarding it all. Grief drives many of us, but, it also holds some of us back, from being the best we can be. It is a two edged sword in it’s own way. One one side, we miss those we have lost and we get quiet, sad and depressed. Some go to the other side and use their loss, of one they loved to drive them forward inlife and to do good. Each of us are different of that much I am sure.

I have lost my wife of 28 years in 2021 to cancer, and I know about grief for I live with it daily. I find myself, remembering her daily, and even at times talking to her, wishing she were still here with me. I have to say, I lost my grandfather to cancer, my father to cancer, my mother to cancer, even my stepfather to cancer also. And yes eaxh affected me differently in my life when it happened. For you have different relationships with each member of your family and no two can be the same. But, one thing is common in all of them and the loss for each, it does, remind me of my own humanity, my own vunerabilty and depressed me, because I miss the one I lost. Depression, isa natural part of grief I am told, and how you handle the loss and grief is vital to your life. Some of us withdraw and hide from society, and I have done that for the past over two years since my wife passed. I have questioned could I have kept her alive longer, was there something I could have done for her. COuld I have stopped her from dying? I was even accussed of killingh her by someone because I gave her morphine as instructed by the Hospice NUrses and Doctors to kill her pain. All of it affects me daily, as Is it and wonder, and think of how much I miss her.

I know, the depression and the missing of her has stopped me from venturing out and being open to asking another woman to be a part of my life or to date. Fear the intimacy and closeness and losing someone again, that I would be so close with. The commitment it takes to be in such a relationship is big and in the end, no two are the same. So when you lose someone you were with for a long period of time, that relationship, has shaped your life, your thoughts, your emotional makeup and so much more. You suddenly find yourself adrift, lost, alone and tend to aimlessly, try to find a way to hold on, and move forward alone. Then you do not wish to put that depression or feelings on anyone else to burden then, or to impose on them or to have them feeling sorry for you either. So you stand alone, and try o move forward on your own, and find yourself thinking about the missing one you lost, and end up at times staring at their photos, or at times talking to them, when you know they are gone. So, what does one do, to face depression and these emotions and feelings that happen in loss.

My thought on how to overcome all of it is not simple. For grief is something all have to go through at sometime in their life. SO I look at others, I try to talk to others, and in the end, many do not wish to hear it. Some go enough, get over it, move on, let it go. Yet, I can’t, because Iw as so involved and attached to her. Then I come to realize, I am not doing anymore for her, I can’t elp her anymore, I can’t save her anymore, I can’t bring her back and I cry. Then I hide for days on end, embarrassed by showing the emotion or tears and don’t want anyone to see it. It takes time, for those tears to dry up and stop folks. It takes time to make peacxe with yourself, and all you can do, is try to calm down and put it in perspective in your own heart and mind, and try to open up again. Am I wrong if I try to find someone else to be with, am I wrong for wanting to be with a partner again, and to try to find some more joy in my life? I don’t know yet, and it’s now been since August of 2021. I know I miss her, but, how do I stop, myself from comparing her to someone else, of stopping the memories of her from coming up again. Is there a way trough this grief?

I thank Anderson Cooper for his podcast and his thoughts and his discussion with The President of the United States Joe Biden. I think, if both of them can talk about it and give us some direction on to handle it and to deal with it, they have both done us a favor. They have opened up a flood gate for those of us dealing with grief that shows we are not alone in dealing with it all. There are many of us, dealing with it, and in the end, i think all of us, must help one another in someway, even, if it means, finally finding a way to move on and find someone else. It’s the how, that is hard for sure. Yet we all know we must, for we are still lhere and they are gone.

Jimmy Carter/ Cancer. The Fight For All of US!


            The dignity and pride of President James Earl Carter, and his religious beliefs show in all he does, from his work with his Homes for Humanity, to his recent and new press conference today on his cancer and his condition and prognosis and treatment plans.  Jimmy Carter has proven that he was elected not just because he is a Democrat at his heights during the times, he is indeed a Leader in so many ways, that it is sad he is usually overlooked. 

Cancer is a diagnosis no human being wants to face and I don’t care what the kind is!. Mr. Carter is proving he is strong, and smart and his dignity shows in all he does. I personally admire him and his attitude and strength he is sharing with all cancer victims.

               My wife and I both have survived cancer, and we are grateful that we are still here today. My wife suffered breast cancer which spread to her lymph nodes under her left arm. After numerous tests, MRI and cat scans and a trip to NYC ‘s Sloan Kettering Hospital to see Cancer specialist, she was saved and did not lose a breast. Myself as a disabled veteran, and survivor of lung cancer I was lucky as hell. Mine was found by the Veterans Hospital in West Haven, Connecticut, and in a survey for veterans with family history of cancer. I was lucky and they removed a lobe and one-third of my right lung and I still persist today, fighting and surviving is a family trait,as it is in the Carter Family too.  We fight Cancer every day and we are winning more wars these days against it than ever before, but the fight has to go on for we are not totally victorious yet. 

Let me say this to those who don’t understand this disease, cancer, it is an ongoing struggle for all of humanity to overcome it and as each victim it takes from humanity happens, they learn more about it and make advances against it daily. The Fight shall continue for all of us cancer victims of all ages, sizes, weights, colors, creeds and races. The battle can never be stopped or held back, for each day we lose people who would’ve been great, and advanced humanity and it’s status, but due to being taken from us by Cancer, they couldn’t. 

Do us all a favor folks, take your racial wars, your racial fights, your wars and political bullshit and shove it up your asses! You want to fight something and help humanity, fight Cancer and give so more can live! Jimmy Carter has cancer, I did, my wife did, my grandparents died of it and it took my mother and my father and yes even my step-father, lets fight Cancer folks, it is the number one devastating disease in the world in my opinion. Lets fight and beat it folks,I wish and so does my wife and our families the best to Jimmy Carter in his fight against cancer as we too continue our own fight against it. The Battle against Cancer must continue in the labs, in medicine and in life. Lets fight folks and save what we can, for if Jimmy Carter can be brave, strong and show us his strength in fighting it, we can all fight it in all ways possible and support all who suffer from it.!

Health Updates and Tests


       We all get tested in life, when I was a baby I suffered through 199 seizures and survived, then I went through Hyper-Activity and Attention Deficit Disorder and overcame to go on to being a service member in three branches, U.S. Army, National Guard and Navy. I went through the test of surviving those years and going on to survive 6 herniated discs in my spine, ptsd, depression and more.

        I feel I am tested more now then back then, period. I suffer from depression, anxiety,ptsd,six herniated discs, plus now have sleep apnea, and now have survived lung cancer too since last August 2013. Today I went to the Doctor for a six month check-up after a cat scan and blood tests were done on me. Again, I am tested more, for while my lungs of which they took 1 and one third lobes from are fine now and clear, no sign of cancer. But, now my esophagus is in trouble and thick for some reason, and needs scoped out. And to add to the fun and games the cat scan shows a spot on my liver they don’t know what it is yet so that is an MRI coming up next. What other tests will I face and pass or fail I do not know, I just know each day is becoming a challenge in and of it’s own right.

         My father God Bless him lived till only 55 and died of lung cancer, my mother lived till age 59 and died of lung cancer too. Me, I am currently at 58 years old, and unsure if tomorrow will come or not half the time, will I go past mom’s 59 I have no idea. One day, one Doctors Appointment and test at a time is all I can say. Lord have mercy on me is all I can say. But I am old, stubborn and ornery as they say and I refuse to go yet, so I shall fight on no matter what is next.

Survivial at it’s Best


  At 57 soon to be 58 years old it is hard to believe that 2013 is slipping away one day at a time now. I have seen 57 years of life, strife, laughter and work, and it seems no matter how you look at it, there is  still a purpose to my being here, what it is I have yet to realize.

        I believe that all of us are put here on this planet for a reason, a mission so to say we must accomplish in our lifetimes, in order to return from whence we came. Some missions are simple and given to people who die young and they accomplish them without knowing why and head back to their maker in a hurry. Others, take longer to get there is all, like me and billions more across the globe we live on. Amazingly, we do find that mission at some point complete it and then suddenly we are gone from the planet, because we did what we came here to do. So, who knows when I shall be recalled and what I must get done to get to rest again, but I do know I am trying to do and be my best.

          I survived so far, 199 seizures as a baby boy in the first nine months of my life, till I was dropped on my head and they stopped. I survived a step-father who beat myself and my siblings senseless many times over, I survived being the outcast in school, institutionalized as a 10-year-old for two years and returning home. I survived being bullied in Elementary School, High School and more in my teens. I survived puberty which is amazing in itself to me and then went on to survive more. I survived 16 years of Military Life that gave me in the end depression, anxieties, PTSD, six herniated discs in my spine and sleep apnea. I survived a divorce and a lost of my children and fought to see them again and won. Now the latest survival for me, was cancer.  I have survived Lung Cancer Surgery, they took my middle lobe of my right lung and the small cell cancer out in September 2013 and here I be still alive. Why I still don’t know, but here I am.

         My mission in my book these days is to try to straighten out the mess that occurred around and during my divorce from my first wife. Vindictive people who lie should be arrested for ruining too many people’s lives. Sexual Abuse of any kind is nasty and it is even nastier if you are falsely accused of it and have to fight your way out of it over decades. I know I survived that false accusation also and fought to get to the truth and get it revealed and did. Again it is surprising I am still here, trying to straighten out a mess my ex-inlaws caused with their children and then to me and my children too. Will it be solved, probably not, but I know I worked to clear my name and got a admittance from the daughter who accused me, that she was told to say what she did. So I went on in life and do what all men do, take it one day at a time and Survive!

 

Cancer Fight


      Cancer, a word no patient or family wants to hear when it comes to them or their families! I know I have heard it too many times myself. 

       Cancer has followed me it seems like a bad dream or nightmare most of my life starting with a girl I met in High School till now my 57th year of life and even a bit before that girl. The year I first heard the word cancer was 1971, when my Grandfather died of it in a Nursing Home. Then, it came up with the girl in my High School years and she got Ovarian cancer yet still lives today. It scared me then and still scares me today.

        Cancer still followed me around  till 1984 when I was called by my Aunt to New Jersey on ThanksGiving Weekend and told my real father had died in the hospital of Lung Cancer. I attended the wake of course and moved on in life. Then in 1990 after my Naval service and going through a divorce, I returned home, upon arriving I found out my step-father had cancer too and he died in October of 1990. At the same time we were all hit with the fate of our mother, who had been diagnosed with Lung Cancer also in July 1990 and died October 1991 following her Husband one year and a day later. We buried her with her husband and both were cremated as requested.

      Later it was brought to my attention my ex-wife had gone through Breast Cancer also, and survived after the divorce. My race from this nasty disease called Cancer was on for decades and I never realized it at all, it was chasing me through the years.

      In the 1990’s I met my second wife, 1993 to be precise. We dated and I moved in with her. As time went on we had to sell the big home she had in the country, and move too a cheaper one, they call it downgrading. Anyway, seven years after meeting we married Officially in the backyard of our new home under Willow Trees.

       Six years after the marriage date, we were in Doctors Offices again, at least for me. My wife had now been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Of course I took her through the operation and chemotherapy and radiation and she survives today and still has both breasts. Thank God for miracles !

        Now, came August 2nd, 2013, and my phone rang. The Doctor on the other end told me they had found something on my Cat Scan in my lung. I went to see her and was referred to a  Pulmonologist, who then ordered a Pet Scan. They found on the Pet Scan a tumor in my right lung, middle lobe and told me it was Cancer.

          On September 3rd, 2013 I wash operated on at the West haven Veteran’s Hospital in Connecticut. My middle lobe of my right lung was removed with the tumor and sections of my upper lobe were checked too. I had Lung Cancer too and had survived it without needing Chemo or Radiation, it is now October 24th, 2013 and I live on.

          So In the End Ladies and Gentlemen I have survived what killed my father and mother and i am still here, thanks to the miracles of modern medicine and a great set of Doctors at the West Haven Veteran’s Hospital. From my Doctor Martzitelli, to Doctor Cain and to Doctor Kim, I offer my greatest thank you for saving my life and the great work they do.  Modern Medicine has come a long way since the 90’s even and so much further since the 1950’s when I was born, god bless all of you! Maybe one day it will stop chasing me around this nasty thing called cancer, I can only hope so!

Image

 Please Help Fight Cancer for all. Lets Eradicate this Disease so no one suffers again!

 

 

The Writing Bug!


Each day I wonder what subject to cover in my blog, or what story or poem to write. How does one decide what to put in writing and tell the world or private friends or family?  You don’t want your life explained or examined by strangers or anyone else, so you tend to stay with subjects meant for the public to  read and care about.

       I have covered so many subjects on my blog from Politics, Republican primaries, Democratic too, and benefits that will affect the whole senior population over 50 in the United States. Items such as will Social Security be there for those who paid into it, or will it be all borrowed out? Will Medicaid and Medicare still be there, or will they be phased out by the rich so the poor have nothing left to lean on?

       I have covered the Death of a Diva in Whitney Houston, who all now know died a cocaine related death in a bathtub at age 48. The sad loss of such a talented person hits us everyday, in many ways and each of us is affected a little differently.

       Doctors fighting Cancer, illnesses, and more I have written about. I did a story called The Disease which deals with the rising rate of cancer among people in the USA and how it has affected my life and my beliefs and my way of thinking.

       My stories range of love, and death, and Naval life, but the biggest stories I have ever told are family stories the stories of parents gone wrong, children in pain and survivors.

        My poems have ranges the same breath and width of the human soul, from love, to lust, to health and to death, yet I still fight a subject and write as much as I can, hoping humanity will experience and understand what I say and enjoy some of it. Am I wrong for doing so, I doubt it and i don’t tend to use language that can disturb or upset people I write in plain American English is all.

        The hardest part for any story-teller, poem teller or blog writer, is to flesh out what you write about to show the emotions, fears and cares of the people you write on and the scenes have to be vivid and catching too. The subjects can range of course but we all know, what the audience really wants is something to catch their mind and grab them and carry them through the story so they can look at family and friends and show them or repeat it themselves.

       Doris Kearns Goodwin does that, Robert Ludlum did that when he was alive, and Jack London did it also in the early 1900s. Writing such as Poe gave us poems that hit the soul and make us think, Shakespeare wrote so many plays he is never forgotten. Singers and writers write songs of stories and songs of love, they may range from rock and roll to country to even classical, but they still write and pass it all on.

       America’s past and its future is built on writers and the stories, ideas and poems and songs they write. It is a country that learns lessons from the written, sung and spoken words. In the end it can be the writers of all kinds that can bring the world to  peace or destruction by what they write and show to all of us. Writers carry a large responsibility as well as the respect of many in the world. We all look for the items written that touch our souls, hearts and minds and we find them written by people who are in the end human in every way. That is what is called the writing bug that bites many humans in the world.