Tag: depression

Aging,Processes!


 Lets talk about aging, we all do it of course until we don’t, lol ! Now as we age, we tend to get smarter, and know more, but, we also, tend to either lose the physical abilities due to age and injuries, or the mental abilities due to age or disease, or some of us lose the emotional abilities we were born with, and get old and cold so to say. It is funny how it happens without us actually realizing it, but it does.

 As We age we get set in our ways and thoughts and beliefs and refuse to open up to other ideas. We learn what works for us and we stick with it, all. And that in and of itself, makes life a little easier for us as we age. Our bodies get weaker, unless we are exercise freaks and do it daily. And our minds get weaker because we are less depended on and more isolated, because of the age we reached. We get discarded in a way, for the newer generations that are behind us and when they catch up, they get the same treatment and don’t realize it is coming at them, anymore than we did at their age. It is a cycle of life we all must live through. It’s natural true, but not pleasant if you get my drift.

 When we reach a certain age, doesn’t matter which sex we be, we are set in our ways and we frown on those who are different for sure. Ever find yourself wishing you were younger or able to be more active, physically or sexually, or emotionally, and then going wow I remember that stuff? I know I do !

 I may be 68, but I am not dead yet, I still can move, I still can interact and I still can feel emotion and care, and attraction and fears. It’s just that, as we age we are more careful, we have seen and heard and done so much, we know where to avoid, dodge, run and duck so to say. Experience counts in life folks, whether it’s in games, sports, love or just laughs. We tend to know and feel what is right for ourselves and avoid those and things that aren’t, don’t we? Just because we learn, doesn’t mean we are dead and don’t want to be noticed, loved or held, or are not sexual in actions or thoughts. It just means we are not as easy and free caring as we were in our youth so to say. I hope some agree, but even if you don’t, remember we are all human we all feel and we all can be hurt ! We don’t enjoy being put down or ignored for being older either, we just want to be excepted and be included is all, we get lonely too.

 I have heard many say they like their lonely periods, they can think better, they can relax better, alone. We all get to that point in life, believe me folks. But, excessive isolation, causes problems with the human soul, and mind and being. Thats why, we always seek out things to do, places to go so we are never truley alone ? Evne the elderly, tend to end up together in Senior Centers, Concerts, resturants and more. Even if we don’t know one another personally we find the gathering and make it work somehow so we fit in, we adapt to whats there, don’t we? The human ability to adapt, is amazing really, and it works for all of us. Thank God for that at least right?

 We can’t all be rich and well to do as we age, some of us don’t reach the independent platuea so to say, We depend on our children to care for us, or end up in nursing homes or convalesent homes. Sadly, as our lives wind down, our relatives and families carry on their lives, and place us in such situations and we end up with no choice, we need to be cared for. Time stops for no one thats for sure, it’s amazing how it just keeps marching on. Yes, it’s true, The only one who messes with Father Time is Mother Nature folks, and they have one hell of a lengthy and long affair. We just live through it and watch it go by daily and happen. We benefit from it weather wise, but the constant is that time moves forward and we cycle down with age. We can’t avoid it, there is no miricle fountain of youth or elixer folks, we all face the passing of time and older age. If we survive and avoid all the pratt falls, mistakes and accidents along the way and of course we are fortunite enough to keep our sanity too. So many pratt falls and dangers in life, physically and mentally exist. I have seen then up close and personal, cancer, suicides, fires, guns, violence, accidental deaths on the roads or at events. So many things take people out, we are not super human and invinceable folks, no supermen or superwomen exist on this planet. I wish sometimes I were super, and I bet you do too, but, in the end, we must face old age and the fact we are human.

  If your lucky in life, you have at least two loves, you have had at least two special relationships, and you enjoy being with others. If your lucky you get your fair share of hapiness and love and material things you need. But, some just aren’t that lucky and they get by with less and are happy still. Remember as you age, and head down the ending slope, that it’s the interactions and the people you had them with, that makes you happy that counts, as long as they were happy too. It’s nice to be a single person, who had it all, but it all falls away if you have no one as you age. Believe me I know, I am a widower and have been now for 3 years almost, you fear involvement, you don’t want to compare someone to the one you lost or hurt them, you fear rejection, you fear the fact your aging and don’t look as good as you used to, your wrinkles show, your hair falls out, the jolt and jumps in your steps stop, and you slow to a walk then to a crawl before you fall. Gravity gets ya, anger can eat you up, inside, depression comes on and you realize at some point you have to cast it all aside and drive toward your own finish line at your own rate. It’s just a fact of humanity that we all must face, don’t we? Doesn’t matter if we are the president, or a peasant on the street, it is a fate and destiny that we all do meet, it’s called death.

 So, yes aging, is a process we all face, knowing and learning we are limited in life’s length, is just a fact we all must face. So we prepare, we save money, we buy insurance,and plots to rest. we try to make sure, we are not a burden on anyone as we age, nor do we want to impose on anyone or interfear in their lives either. So, we learn to live alone again, once we lose the one we loved. If we get divorced or our partner passes, most of us, do not rush into a new relationship for many reasons. We don’t want to compare others to the one we lost, we don’t want to be hurt emotionally, or financially, physically or mentally either. We are cautious, we are slow, to engage or open up. For once we do, we are taking a chance someone will hurt or damage or take from us, and we can’t replace or repair it. It is like a cautionary tale, in an old book or movie, me I am like one of those Grumpy Old Men from that old movie, that starred Jack Lemon and Walter Matheau lol. I putter along, I notice things, I carry on, with what brings, But, I watch from afar, and I don’t get involved, and no one notices me you see, for that is how it should be. And I am not stupid enough to think anyone would care either, all are too busy living and doing their own things. Life goes on.

  I used to think we are like the ants beneath our feet, We scurry all over the world, collecting food and what we need to survive. And below us the ants do the same. We do not know what our purpse here is anymore than they do beneath us. They have their drives and motivations and processes and we have ours. It is indeed a endless cycle of life is it not folks, you tell me !

 

 

Just a fact all!


 Feb. 5th, 2024, has begun and the sun is out for a change, but the cold continues on. The weather is normal for this time of year actually, if you live in New England, of USA.

  Now at 68 years old, I wonder what can be ahead of me, or next in my life. I have been pretty lucky so far, I can honestly say. But, what it leads to or how my life goes from here on in, is hard to know. I never expected many things in my life, so, I am lucky to survive many things. Yet, I also know, whatever is next for me, I must confront and work thru and make it work in a positive manner for me. For as I know, I don’t need bador megative things nea ror around me. Best to skip the drama and crazy interactions that can occur if you fall for them. Use past experience to steer around it all is what I say.

 Now, I sometimes wonder how we got where we are these days, concerning interactions and communications in life. Today everything is a e-mail. or text or online like chat programs. The fact that face to face meetings do not happen much is no surprise. Most meetings or even dates these days between sexes, happen online in one way or another. The wall ofprotection it provides is pretty good, but, it also stops actually in person contacts. Seems that online dating sites are what people are doing these days. Create a profile, fill it in, and then search fora match. Pretty informal, and sad if you ask me. But it is the growing fad these days. The sad part is that people are doing so over the internet, and real life meetings are just a tease in reality, people have fears, and anxieties and I don’t blame them. For fears can go from the point of crazies online who are killers, to fears and anxieties, of what can happen, even is people do meet in a public place. Then we run into the loneliness syndrome, in America and the world in general. I saw a sign online one day that says it all to me, it read; Start doing meetings with people the old fashioned way, in person and actually talking, face to face, it works better. You know, go out, and havea drink in a bar and talk to people. Yet, when you do it, you willnotice as I did, few peopleactually talk toa single man or woman in aclub, bar / tavern. Why, because, if your new to that bar, or tavern/ club, it takes numerous times being there for peopleto even talk to you, they stay with those they know and avaoid the new. So, it becomes a circle really, you jump in an dgive it a try and it doesn’t work, so the loneliness syndrome continues on. You can’t break the syndrome in today’s society, why, again,it is fear, anxietires thayt raises itself each time you make or take a chance. Self-preservation comes into effect, and we steer clear of strangers, and the cycle goes on. The cynical reactions and views, come into play and people, avoid taking chances these days. Why, because many want money, many fear being hurt, and many live out their anxieties, and determine it’s easier to saty alone. Sad I knowbut true in today’s world, in Ameica.

 I personally, have surrendeed and given up at my age of 68. While Senior Centers are nice if your into them, it is not a great way to find apartner in crime so to say. Bars and taverns are not made for the elderly, they are made for the younger crowds, in their 20’s to 50’s. But, olde rpeoplelike myself have no place to go, to meet anyone. So it is an endless cycle, with no end in sight. So, dating in your 50’s and up gets tougher as you age, and many turn to internet dating sites, like Zoosk, Match and Plentyof Fish and others. I can tell you, they cost money to even use, nothing is free. Then there is no proof or guarantee that you will find anyone to even date or meet. Many fake profiles, lot sofl ying, old pics and dead profiles on these sites also. It’s acually a sad state of affairs for most. Dating sites are ok if you have money and want to give to them for helping you, but they suck your money out of you. They are not, free nothing in life is, is it?

 Well as the day gets going here, I wonder what it can bring for each of us. I don’t know and neither do you ! Surprises pop up, we run into blockades and keep going. We tend to work around them and carry on. Unless, your like me, alone, and afraid to go out and do anything, why, well at 68 noone wants an eldery person slowly them down or hindering them, or becoming a burden or imposing upon them and their lives. So, many like myself, don’t want pity, we don’t want to be a burden or impose and we have our own pride, so we stay alone. Life does indeed slow down as we age. The energy you had in younger ages, has been used up and you coast to your ending, as you go forward alone. It is funny how it isa cycle that goes from being born alone, being alone when you start and then finding so many years later, that you will more than likely go out as you came into the world alone. Thats where it is in life folks. The downhill ride begins, and you just go along, for you have no choice. Just a fact all!

 

 

Just thoughts of mine, Today !


 Sunday December 17th, 2023, began fro me at 4:30 am. Sleep is not something that seems to be in store for me. I sleep about 4 and a half to 6 hours a night is it. It is hard to sleep, when you really don’t do much, to get tired or you lay down and watch tv and fall asleep during the day. If i want to sleep or catch up on sleep, I have to walk or find other things to do, during the day, and force myself to stay awake. I know insominia is bad for people, and it brings us closer to death when it does happen, for along period of time. Just a medical fact.

 I find myself, not finding the energy or interest to do much anymore. I walk is all and watch television a lot, read a little and keep to myself. Before my wife passed in August 2021, I had someone to interact with, someone to care for, and someone to do for, now all I have is me. A 596 square foot condo, is just a cage to hide in these days, and, nothing more. It provides for a roof over my head, a place to cook when I want to, a place to watch tv, do laundry and shower is all. Cleaning it now and then as needed, because all that is here is me, is not much really. I do the necessities of course, but, overall, it is boring.

 As we age, we come to realize we get set in our ways, and we do not like changing much. We get set in patterns and in my case, it is honestly true. I have basically gave up, trying to reach out, or go out alone, it is boring, people don’t deal with the elderly well and the older you get they shun you. I wish, I was more of an extrovert than I am, because at least then I could talk to others easier. I was never a social butterfly, or someone who meets others easily. I think extroverts are lucky, and they do better than I ever will socially. I stay to myself, out of fear, anxieties, and the inability to interact can kill. Some people can handle the alone time and like it, yet even they ultimately find a way to interact with others, I don’t. I stay alone, and it will probaly get to me sooner than later. Never have been a ladies man either, I can count the women I have been with at 67 going on 68 years old, on one hand. Yet, I have had two marriages, two children, don’t ask me how.

 I grow older, I grow more isolated daily, coming out only for certain purposes. I come out to walk, or to go to doctors or dentists, or to shop as needed. I am not a church goer, I don’t drink, so bars are no good for me. I bowled for a while but than that died out due to my back injuries, I play pool once a week is all. I read as I can when I can, I play X-Box now and then and even that I stopped out of boredom. I sit and stare at a TV Screen daily, watching repeats or movies, but, mostly sports, The NFL and NBA keep me going really. News is boring, sad and depressing these days, wars here and there, hostages taken, people killed in wars is all you hear about, nothing positive really. Being 67, soon to be 68 is no fun, and I doubt if there will ever be anymore fun in life for me. Existing is not living, if you have no interaction with others, you have no real life. It’s just a fact is all.

 To answer the questions some will ask, like, you sound suicidial at times are you ok? The truth is no, but I push on, puttering through the normal everyday, things we all do. Some will ask, Doctors I am sure, have I ever though of committing suicide, yes, many times. What stops me, is only the fear of what is on the other side, while at other times, the draw to go, is my wife has proceeeded me and I miss her dearly and wish she was here, with me again. The American society as I see it, is not kind to it’s elderly and senior citizens and when you lose a long time spouse you loved dearly, there is a draw to want to join the, out of pure depressiona nd loneliness, period.

 Many have said, I should get up go do things, go to bars, go to shows,concerts, games anything to keep busy, but I don’t. I can’t find the motovation to do such things and i do not have a drive for them. I avoid people and crowds, I lack social skills others my age and older have. I look at myself and see a old, coot of a man, not pretty to look at, and getting older by the day. I really do resemble one of those Grumpy Old Men from that old movie, that starred Jack Lemon and Walter Matheu. I putter day by day, alone, and I ask no one for help and never will, I will never impose on anyone, nor will I ever be a burden to anyone, I refuse to do that. As I age, slowly I have come to accept the fact that, my time shall come soon enough. I don’t really fear death, why, because I know it is a natural occurrence that we all face. It’s just a matter of how soon and under what circumstance I go. I just want to go peaceful is all, I don’t want to feel it.

 I believe honestly, I did the right things in my life, as I lived it. I helped my parents, my siblings, my friends, and did the best I could. I served my country for 16 years also. I have had a life that is decent I believe, yet, in the end, far from perfect. I have made my mistakes as any man or woman has. Some choices were wrong, others were right, it is a natural occurrence when you live a life. We learn as we go, is what I say, and we always use our experiences of the past to adjust in the present and look ahead to the future. It’s called life folks we all go through it.

 I have always and will always have a firm belief, that, we are born and brought into theworld fora purpose and that purpose is the mission or missions we were sent here to complete, that we really do not know. Yet when we finally complete the mission we are sent here for, we get recalled to the place from whence we came. Some of us head to heaven, some of us to hell and the way I see it, the earth welive on is actually, our in between or purgatory, we must live through. But, I will say this, each of us have our own beliefs on this subject for sure. I would never doubt what your belief may be or how you feel about it, I only know how I feel and what my thoughts are on it.

  I know, when I go, I did all I could to help others in my own way. And my legacy will be my blogs, my stories and my poems, my daughters, my grandchildren will be fine. I just hope when I pass, no one will cry over me, and that I never adversly affect anyone’s life, while I live.

 

 

 

Writing and Programs!


     Writing is a past time for me and I like to do it you see. It is like therapy for a mind stressed out or filled with nightmares and depression. A way to make statements to tell stories and events that happened in real life but change the names and places so no one gets hurt. Yet writing as much fun as it may be to relieve these things for people, it is also an art I am not great at. I try to, I try to I come up short sometimes, or make spelling or grammar errors or the story line is too boring or I repeat things. I have been working on the problems but I find there may not be too many writing places online that  have proper programs to post it all on the Internet with. They are faulty in different ways, no grammar checking, no spell checking, you have to align everything just right to make it work or it looks disjointed or messy or doesn’t line up right. It’s a slow painful process to put a decent story or book online these days.

       Microsoft‘s  Word allows me to set margins, indent, check grammar and spelling, and save as needed till I am ready to go on or end. Yet other programs do that too, but not as good as Word for me.  Each time you write a rant, a rave, a poem, a story or any other thing online including this blog you have to check it all out before you post it or it will never be read or understood if it is.

        Blogs are meant for different subjects and reasons and voices are heard worldwide in many languages and styles. Every nation, culture, race, color or nationality has bloggers today and that is vital to world communication and education. Bloggers today discuss the subjects that affect the world, their nations. politics and much more. That is the purpose of such an exercise and writing, to express what you feel or disagree with, or like, or hate in the written word and get it off your chest so to say, it does work folks.

       But serious writers, try to flesh out characters, locations, and more in stories, details are in the works so to say. I am learning as a writer not all my works are good or even worth reading, but I attempt anyway because I want to, number 1 and number two, because I believe somewhere out there is someone who will understand what I write and like it. All I can do is hope they come up with better writing programs to smooth it all out, help with grammar, dictionaries and formats and more. I try, Lord I try to tell my stories, poems, raves and rants, but sometimes unlike most writers I trip over words and make mistakes. But the ideas, the thoughts, the verses and more get out there and seem to hit some in the mind and heart. Thank God!

My online Works ae Assemble on WattPad.com

Link-http://www.wattpad.com/user/WilliamMcCurrach

 

Theraphy and Stories and Facts & WattPad


      As I said in a prior blog people suffer PTSD in different ways and deal with it in different ways. My way of dealing with it is to write stories, poems and rants and raves here on my blog and else where.

        My stories range from military ones, to love stories, to sci-fi and more, and even poems I have done. I found a new outlet for many of them now on a web site called WattPad.com. WattPad works by allowing people to submit their stories, books, in different lengths or as compiled by the writer and then helps you promote your writings to the world online.

       It has become an outlet for many different people from young adults to older folks like myself to express or release the writings they have done over time for different reasons. It works on many different operating systems including android, and windows that I know of. It contains hundreds of thousands of stories, poems, and more and is free to read and submit to, a great outlet indeed for many.

      Many of the sites for Writers online help to teach a writer how to write, how to express themselves and each use the knowledge they gather to write in their own styles and ways. Another great Organization and School for writing is Long Ridge Writers here in Connecticut, I took a writing course through them and the editing they do is great and so is the suggestions they give.

        My Stories have now shown up on WattPad, and another website called LongStoryShort has published and accepted my works. It is a proud moment when someone finds out what they wrote is good enough for someone to want to show it to others to read. I have poems and Christmas Stories they published.

       The therapy writing produces for PTSD and Depression is great for many, it helps ease the pressure, strains, tensions of the conditions, So these websites and writing sites are to be thanked for their abilities to get people to write in general whether they are a victim of Depression, PTSD or any other mental condition or physical one too. I actually look forward to writing my blog here daily and writing other stories and poems and rants and raves too  in other places, it is like a relief valve at times on an old steam-powered radiator!. It helps and is fun.