Good Morning to all, who may read this, it is Friday 9 Feb. 2024. Right now it is 5;40 am and I got out of bed ten minutes ago. Mornings for me are slow and silent for I live alone, since my wife passed in August of 2021. I will say this, it takes time to adjust to being alone again after spending 28 years in a relationship. My wife, whom I miss dearly, was 16 years my senior, and many will say, how did I end up with her. For me it was after a divorce from my first wife. That divorce, made me rethink life and how cruel it can be to anyone, of either sex. Relationships are good for your health both mentally and physically actually, and keep you emotionally balanced also at times. But, when they go astray, or end, it hurts you mentally and emotionally for sure. All takes time to pull yourself back together as a person and to reassembly emotionally and mentally, I know I have lived it now, twice as far as marriage goes. The seperation, the losses can accumulate fiancially, and emotional and you tend to live on the cheap and avoid any involvement.

 I can’t say it is good or bad, that all depends on each case and the cause of it all, and how each individual really handles it. Even the best people whether male or female, who bounce back fast, realize once they do, just how hurtful they may be these divorces, or losing a lifetime partner to disease. In my case I have gone through both of the above. The hardest thing is realizing, you are not to blame in reality, but you still have suffered the losses.

We tend to pick ourselves up and move on, out of pure need and natural desires. There is the need for companionship, there is the need for physical affection and sex, there is the need in wanting to belong and caring for someone else. Some people avoid all of the above the rest of their lives and they become like me, an elder, who is ok with being a single and fear any involvement, so, we stay home alone and hide. Fears and anxieties run us basically, we fear being dumped or discarded, we fear involvement or attachment, and in today’s america, it makes us stand out.

  Once we rationalize and realize it is cheaper alone, and start doing things on our own, we begin to understand, we can do it. It isn’t neccessarily what we really want, but, we begin to accept it all. Isolating ourselves from all around us, is not being off-standish, or, being a loner or drifter, it’s self-preservation really. We do so, because we fear getting involved once more. My first marriage went 12 years ending in divorce. it took me two years before I even ventured out on my own. My Second marriage went a total of 28 years with the same woman I loved dearly, who passed from cancer. I think of her daily, miss her dearly and basically stay alone. My fears are not the same as many maybe but they exist. I fear the emotional commitment it would take to get involved again, I fear being discarded or ignored or being used by someone. I fear doing comparrisons to my deceased wife and hurting a woman, emotionally due to it. Then you add in age, I am 68, loss of looks and hair, illnesses, and you can inderstand it, if you listen. I never was Mr. Handsome, or Mr. romantic, or a giggilo, or anything along those lines. I do not have talents of singing or playing music, nor am I a physical sportsman type. So, being your average, 68 year old man with physical limitations due to disability, I basically putter along. It doesn’t mean, I do not have wants, desires and needs, it does mean, I know my own limits and difficulties in life. I have never and shall never, impose or burden another person, I do not force myself on anyone either, so, as I see it, if I feel I am not accepted, I move on. I do not force myself in groups or events, I am not invited to and usually I avoid crowds.

 It;s now been since August of 2021 I am alone in the world. I have slowly adapted to that status and accept it. Doesn’t mean I like it or enjoy it, just means you accept what life has dealt you. With age, comes medical conditions and you learn to deal with that as you can of course. In my case time shall tell what is next for me. I have lost my grandfathers to cancer, my step-father to cancer, and my mother too, and my second wife. As I was carrying for my second wife in her 16 year struggle with cancer I myself had it too, I suffered lung cancer in 2013, and lost a lobe and one third of my right lung to it. Yet I still survive today, why, I am still trying to figure out. I remember my second wife telling me I would be ok to my face, and behind my back to my sister, she said I would probally not make it. But I did, why, I do not know, yet here I be and she is gone from me. All, I have is sadness and I live through it daily the best I can and make the best I can of my life. If you lose someone, you would understand, your here, they are gone and the best you can do is carry on. Because you do not control your own fate or destiny, that belongs to someone or something of a greater power than you or me.

 I have seen people and watched people and heard of people who have taken their own lives. Depression, illness, both mentally and physically can lead to emotional breakdowns and suicides. So, I tell many the best thing you can do is stay busy, walk, find hobbies, write like me, read, try to keep busy. For when you stop, is when you are in the most danger,from depression. A busy mind and heart will keep ticking, I am not saying it is easy to do, for I know it is not. I also know the alternative is not a choice I accept at this point, so I try to push forward and hope for the best each day. Yet I also know, my own cancer can come back, and take me too. If it does, I know I have lived a pretty full life, in my own way.

  I have had a life filled with physical pain, mental pain, and emotional pain too. I have overcome and carried on through it all. I spent my childhood trying to fit in, I spent years helping my family I grew up in, even though my mother tried to cast me away. I spent my teen and formative years taking care of my younger siblings. Then I spent my 20’a and into my 30’s serving my country in three branches of service. I married and divoced and had two of everything you can think of while in service. I think I did ok, for a kid who didn’t graduate high school. I got a GED. I went on from service and divorce and having rwo children to a lonely three year period. Then I found my second wife and returned to college thanks to the Veterans administration. I got an associates degree at 40 years old folks, became a member of Honor Societies also. Won, Honors in college and an Award. Yes I did ok.

 I was a factory worker,a serviveman, did military service and more. I taught people to draw when I was younger and learn to write. I have short stories and poems I wrote online and of course my blogs I do here. Someone asked me what kind of a leagacy I may leave behind when I go, my writtings may be that, for sure. I was a father, a husband, and a friend to some. I still have two friends I met when I was 14 to this day. Life is a mystery, but, if you work at it, it can be worth the suffering, and you may enjoy it too. Always remember, we know not why we are put upon this earth or what our purpose is, but, I firmly believe, we are here for a mission or purpose we do not understand, or know of, but when we complete that unknown mission, we are recalled to where from whence we came. We just do not know, when or what that mission may be. But, it is the only logical conclusion, for me. So, I write my blogs and do my things daily that I can, it’s all part of life, as we who live it, can be, we go on to our fates and destiny.