Friday December 8th, 2023 started for me at 4:30 am, I awoke and went what the hell am I doing up? But, when I tried to go back to sleep my body and mind said no, so I crawled out of bed, got a coffee and here I am now. I know what most would say was go back to bed stupid, but, I can’t my mind won’t let me.

Many have tried to understand me, in my life, my first wife, the Navy, My daughters who know nothing of me and my own family that raised me. I have always been the one, they just never understood or have gotten, it’s just me. I have been called crazy, emotionally unstable, nutty, a loner, a drifter and so much more. If people knew me, better they would understand me better. I am no loner, or drifter, but when, I am hurt, tired and lonely, I do wander, and stay by myself, it’s my way of not hurting or harming anyone else. I shut down and lock myself away and wander on my own. I am a widower now for over 2 years, and I still talk to my deceased wife and wish she was with me in my own home. But, I know i am not alone in this, kind of grief process many suffer it too. So I try to handle it alone, so it does not spill over into others lives around me.

Some have no idea about who I am, what is happening in my mind and my heart or what I may be affected by. I was born with hyperactivity and attention disorder. Easily distracted and unable to pay full attention, in school or at home. I fought my way through it all, no medications or medical help and ended up sent a way for two years for what they called emotionaly instability in the 1960s. It wasn’t though it was ADHD, misdiagnoises happened plenty back then, medicine did not understand it all yet. Yet I persisted and overcame anyway.

As I grew up, it did cause many problems at home and in schools for me, ultimately it caused me to dropped out of high school, so I went to work and in the end went in the service. I served 16 years in three branches and was married and had two of everything, until I was discharged medically for an accident aboard ship that gave me herniated discs. At the sametime that was determined, I was all of a sudden in a divorce from lack of being able to support my family.

I overcame and moved on anyway, doing odd jobs and living off of unemployment, until, I found my second wife. She helped me deal with it all and helped me find a way to go forward. In return I helped her, and we ended up loving one another and living together. it would be a 28 year relationship, that I can never and will never forget, I still love her today over two years after she passed and left me due to cancer. One thing she told me and others before she passed was, that I am a realist, I will survive her passing and be fine. Well surviving is one thing being fine is another for sure I have found out. You can not replace the unreplaceable folks, the memories get you and you break down in private at times and then, pull yourself together in public and carry on. I know I am doing it these days, every day I live. I suffer from loneliness of course and not having someone in my life, because I shut down and refuse to reach out or allow any woman in. I know it is wrong to do, but, I do it on reflex, and to protect myself, I doubt I could handle losing another lover like that.

Living alone in a 596 square foot condo, in a 55 plus community, for me is not easy. I call my condo my 956 sq.ft. cell and cave I hide in. To me it’s true, I venture out to walk, put on a good face, smile and talk and kept moving never getting involved any where with anyone. Yes I shop, yes i go to doctors and dentists and medical appointments. No I do not go to bars. taverns, or social events alone. I feel out of place when I do, and I avoid that feeling everytime i can.

What to do, where to go, how to handle it all is a daily challenge for me. Yet, I struggle through and make it work, because I am still here. Yes there are times I think what the hell am I here for and I shouldn’t be here, I have no purpose in life anymore. I have considered suicide, and just haven’t found the courage to do so and can’t see myself doing so. I have seen numerous others die young and take their own lives, and end up shaking my head when I think of them.

Whats next for me I do not know, I only know I am here and it seems I have a way to go. I have always believed that we are put upon this world for a reason, we just don’t know what it really is. Each of us is born to accomplish some missions in our life time, and until you complete those unknown missions you are here, when you complete them, the Good Lord recalls you to his side and it ends. Is there a heaven or hell, I do not know, no one does, all we know is it ends for us, the beyond is not answerable is it? The Great Houdini, told his wife, he would come back from the dead, he couldn’t no one can, so we shall never know whats on the other side. We can only guess folks !

It’s the month of December of 2023, The Holiday Season is here and people are rushing to and fro, as Santa’s pop up laughing HO, Ho ,Ho. The Shopping is happening even though the economy sucks, but it shall go on, because it must. Church Bells will ring and people will smile, food will get cooked and served for a while. The joy of the Season comes every year, we all get so busy, we overlook those who cry a tear. Yet life goes on even for those who cry, for those who did die, and spirits get lifted you see. The sad part is after they do and all the smiling and laughter is done, what happens to those who are alone and just one. We shall never know, as long as they don’t affect us so and they are not apart of our lives, for all it all changes, when they become our children, relatives, husbands or wives. For the loss takes away the reason for Joy, and then we wonder why, we lost that husband, wife, girl or boy. It depresses and it messes with our will to live, and we think we do not have anything left to give. The truth be known and I am not alone, is that each of us, man, woman or child have something we can give and that is how we all live. So, I don’t surrender, but I do try to move on, to see whats next and what I must do, not for me, but for each of you. We all contribute in someway in our lifetime, there is a reason we are here, no matter if it is to teach a lesson, to take the pain, to, live in happiness or in shame. We shall not know, when it is time to go, it’s just a fact don’t you see. For in the end, all we can be, is who we are, and do what we can. wheither we be a woman or man.

I wish all The Best Of Holidays no matter your faith or belief, and I hope all will be strong, healthy and not suffer grief. We do at some point in our lifetime, as one friend said, depression is in your mind, Find a way to hol don to the good memories, and that will be so much better for you and for me, in time.

Happy Holidays to ALL !