Tag: grief

Navigating Dating as a Senior: A Widower’s Perspective


Ok, Whats new is alwaysa question for me. Since I am a widower and single and 69, I try to find different things to do. Walking is always big for me, as is bowling at least twicea week when I can. I lik eplaying billards once a week where I live. Other than that I am usually hunting an dlooking for things to do.

Some say go to the Senior Center and hang out and you will meet people, thats true. And I don’t knock the Senior Center at all, but, I do feel like I don’t really belong when there. Maybe I am just not there yet, so I feel out of place. Nothing against the Center itself believe me.

I do like to bowl which keeps me active at least. I do read some and try to stay up to date on the news too and tv. I like movies but haven’t been to one in ages, cause it is not fun alone.

Drinking and Clubs and Taverns, are not my thing really. I will go to one, once in a while here in Westborough, just to get out, havea meal and a drink and to look around. Usuaually, most in the Bars, Tavern around wetsborough are people in their 30’s to 50’s who are dating or already have a partner they are dating. So fora single widower my age of 69, it gets to feel like I am a fifth wheel so to say.

As to the dating scene as I see it today here in Westborough, I know many have fears, especially the ladies. I respect their fears and I am never aggressive nor do I chase them. I don’t need a place tos tay, I own, I don’t need someone’s money ladies, I am fine on my own. I do not abuse women either never have and never will wasn’t raised that wya and I do not have a agressive or anger problem. I do tend to stay away from trouble and I do get the fact that not everyone is your cup of tea or mine so to speak. I try to be honest, I try to be fair, and I always try to be respectful and kind. It’s just my nature I think.

So when I do go Bowling, or to a mall or something, even a tavern or bar, I am me. I don’t like talking politics in public it causes wars and fights these days.Sports I love and it’s NFL time once more, with The NBA is coming back soon enough. I am a Celtics fan and hope their rebuild wil be great an dthey have a great season. some ask me about MLB, while I am a Red sox fan, I can’t sit through a game on tv, it puts me to sleep too long. Football I watch, Basketball I watch. But hey, I like sports.

So Anyway life goes on. As a single widower, I find it slow and hard to find someone to match with or date. Age does play a factor for sure, as well as what to do each day when retired. So, I go day to day, and hope, is all. The hardest part of being a widower my age of 69, is the fact of being alone. I have to say I had a total of 40 years of marriage in my life of 69 years. One was 12 years, the second 28 years. So I think I did fine, and I was very lucky. When I look around and see the single , divorced or widowed women, I also see fears and anger in many. Some believe a man wants them just for one thing or another. Let me say this, I don’t wnat someone’s home, or money, or just for their body. I do like companionship, I do love women for their sense of humor, intelligence and to be with. But, dating at 69, is like being interviewed for a job, or something. A million questions, a million different views, and then even if you get through them, you still have to find attraction and chemistry. It’s liek having a job just to get a date, the search, the asking, the dating, the interview and the response can be fun, and rejection can be big. so, what does one do, well, I know what I do, I just go day to day, and hope is all. being positive helps, folks.

Dating for us Seniors is like a trek down a mystery highway, for you know not what the next corner or turn will be. So, one day at a time is all one can do. I will say this, I never dod learn to flirt properly, some are good at it, me I am clumsy and don’t get it. But, I must of done something right, for two marriages totaled 40 years for me. LOL

Coping with Loss: Embracing Memories and Grief


August has arrived folks, and the summer of 2025 is quickly passing by, soon enough it will be fall and then winter once again. Time does not stop for anything as we all know, it barrells on ahead and we age as it does. One thing mankind does is adapt to each day, it’s climate, it’s passing, it’s heat or cold, or rain or snow so to say. I have said to many people, over my years, there are things that never change the passing of time is one, and the battle between Mother Nature and Father Time is indeed eternal. That is a love affair locked into place for eternity for sure.

Well, August to me, is a time to look forward to cooling temperatures, fairer climates and of course memories. I say this because it has always been the fall months where things change in my book. When I talk change, people come and go in our life’s folks and it seems fall is when most of that happens for me. I hate seeing old friends disappear or pass, I hate seeing the loss of people for any reason. But, I know at some point the same will happen for me and I am aware of it more each day that goes by. I think all of us, are in some way, even though we try our best to ignore it or push it aside.

I have had plenty of losses in my life and I must admit that some are more important that others of course, Friends may come and go, and even pass away, but no loss is greater than when one losses a loved one. We all lose our parents eventually as we all know, and that loss or losses as you may refer to them, is painful and devastating enough as it goes. Some lose children and that must be the a very devasating lose for sure. Yet, for me, the biggest loss in my life was my wife of 28 years, in August of 2021, on the 10th of that month. It devasated me, it brought me to my knees, and caused me to reevaluate myself and my life and what I did not wish to put up with anymore. I also had to learn to live alone once more, after 28 years of a great marriage.

Today, is August 2nd, 2025, on this date in 2021, I was hospicing my wife at home, with the help of my sister. It would be an experience that made me cry daily, plead for it to be over daily, and at the same time, hope it would not end. But, as we all know, the eventual time does come and we lose the one we loved the most. When it did, I was lost, I didn’t know what to do, where to turn or how to make it through it all. If it were not for my sister, I would have never made it.

I can remember the final thing I said to my wife and what she said in return. I bent over her in bed and kissed her forehead and told her I loved her. And at the time I didn’t think she could reply, but, she did saying she loved me in return. A few days later, I went in to check on her again, and I knew it was close to the end, and I could tell. I bent over her once more kissed her forehead and I told her to stop holding on, to let go, and go join her parents, grandparents and her son, who had passed before her. I knew she was suffering being unable to eat, drink or talk or move anymore, from the cancer that she had. I just wanted her to pass and be out of pain.

The hardest thing to do, once she passed was to call and report her death, to the authorities. The waiting for them to come and take her away was the hardest to do. I can clearly remember when they finally arrived, as I let them into our home, I told them, I couldn’t watch. I walked out into the driveway and around the side of the house and did not go back in till they were gone. She was gone, but, I could not look at her being taken away. I did not want her to go.

Now it will be four years since she passed on August 10th, soon. as I write this, I cry, because i miss her warmth, her kindness, her intelligence and her companionship. I miss having her to laugh with, to go out with, to even watch tv with. The trips, the outings, the silly things and the serious things we shared. I stop and think of all of it. The shows, the movies, the plays we went to, the dinners we cooked and served together. Our life was not perfect together, but, one thing I can honestly say, is, I miss her each night and day. I wish to God she was here today. yet, I have the 28 years of memories, that well up, when I am alone or I see a reminder of all of it out there. I remember, what she said to her daughter one day, when they were discussing me, before she couldn’t anymore. She looked at her daughter and told her, Bill will be ok, when I pass, why, because he is a realist, he accepts things as they are and deals with it all, in the proper way. Time has proven her correct, in many ways, and for that I shall always love her. I write this today, because I know, I will try to push through the next 8 days and make it pass as fast as I can. It for me is now the hardest time of my life each year. And writting is how I express my grief, my pain, my sorrow, my loss and sometimes my loves and joys too.

I thank God, for the day I met my Melinda and the dances we shared. The romance we shared and the love we had. she saved me, and I her. We did indeed live up to our Wedding Vows, They stated, we would marry to learn from one another and to grow together, we did it so, so well!

Looking Back, Still here!


Saturday March 23rd, 2024, began for me at 5:30 Am, when I awoke. Chilly outside at this time 23 degrees and we are now in spring, yet it has ceased to actually have sprung, it seems. It, seems to be a morning for me of reflections and thoughts of the past mostly. I stop at times to think of my childhood, and growing up the way I did, under the circumstances my parents had and all my siblings and I.

We were never a rich family, and my step-father and my mother both worked all their lives , practically. Dad was a Machinist, who worked in a factory and mom a Nurse’s Aid, they both worked mostly the second shift 3 pm to 11 pm. To save money my elder brother would babysit us in the evening, until I was old enough to take over. He went off into the sports world playing any sport he could to escape, and I ended up the babysitter for my two younger brothers and my sister. I used to have to rush home everyday from High School to be there, when they left for work. Until, I hit a point in time, I met girls and made friends in the town we lived in. Then I basically escaped too. But, I always was forced to help dad rebuild the home, and the stone wall we had. I had to fight with my younger brother, who was mad as hell at dad for beating us and mistreating us, and he went after his younger siblings, until I stopped him. It was a position of older brother and protector I was forced into for a while and learned things from.

Eventually, I had enough and got fed up with it all and by my Junior Year of High School I quit school, got a job, and paid my parents a rent to live home. At one point I had blow-up with Dad and he threw me out into the street, clothes and all in a snow storm, I ended up in the YMCA, for a couple of years. I did The U.S. Army for about 6 months and got a trainee discharge, but, joined the National Guard. Did that for a few years, and then joined the Navy, for a good 12 years.

I was married the first time for 12 years, the last two separated from my wife and daughters and came home. My first wife I met in the Navy and it was a decent marriage until her past came back to haunt her. Once ethe divorce became final, I floundered some and move around, from the YMCA, to a apartment in a basement of someone’s building who gave me a break on the rent. I used to hang out in a friend’s apartment at times and at the Dunkin Doughnuts in town. Then I started looking for a way to start my life over, I was lonely. So I started going to Single’s Dances at a Tavern in a different town.

That’s where I met my second wife, who was really the love of my life. She was 16 years older than I, smart, pretty, a sense of humor and a lady I will love forever. We hooked dup on that dance floor first, dated some for the summer and by fall she invited me to move in with her. I did. We stayed together from there on for the next 28 years, in two different homes in two different cities. Our life was a quiet one for 28 years as we worked at first untilI couldn’t anymore due to Naval Injuries, and then lived off my disabilities and out social securities until she died. We paid off the home we had and we would always go to visit her kid, he family and the only one I saw was my sister now and then.

I was fine, because my family was never close. Then in 2005, my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and the battle to keep her alive began. Doctor’s, tests, prescriptions and then ultimately chemo and radiation, until she went into remission. Then, I got lung cancer in 2013, and had a lobe and a third of my lung removed, no chemo or radiation needed and survived. Then her breast cancer returned, and the treatments came back, taking her back and forth all the time. COVID hit and she had to suffer thru the treatments on her own for a few months until they let me in with her. Then COVID restraints were lifted and we kept her on them steady. Finally at one point the Doctors told us the treatments were not working for her anymore and dher cancer was advancing, she opted to go to Immunno therapy then. I had no say, because it was the last resort for her and she knew it.

Immuno Theraphy it was for a year or so,until they shut her off and I was pushing her in a wheel chair to the Doctors each week for check-ups. She recovered some and was able at one point to be as close to normal as she could and even walked around the house and such. It was almost normal in all ways. Then, one night it was bedtime, I looked at her and said lets go to bed, she said no, she was staying in my recliner that nite. I went up to bed and went to sleep, till 3 am, when I heard the walls banging. I rushed downstairs, and found her, on the floor in the doorway to the bathroom. She had fallen and hit her head, I got her up and into a chair and tried to check her, but, she wasn’t well. I then told her I was calling an ambulance she refused and told me to call her daughter. I did, but, that only delayed me calling the ambulance and off to the hospital we went. We went through her hospitalization the first time halfway decent, took her two months to get back home after a stay in a rehab facility. I visited her daily, talking to her, watching TV with her, staying with her all I could. Then, she came home for a while once more for about a month.

One night we were atching television together, and she slumped to one side in her chair. I asked her why she was slumping, she said she didn’r know and I knew she wasn’t right. I called an ambulance again and off we went to the Emergency Room. They admitted her, treated her for two weeks the best they could then sent her off to a new Rehab in Hartford. For a month I drove there each day, spending time with her as she tried to recover once more, until a doctor came in and told her and I they were transferring her back to the rehab near our home. What I didn’t know and learned at that time was her cancer has spread to her bones and blood stream and brain and she has a small tumor in her brain. I was hocked and scarred now, but I stayed strong for her, the best I could.

My wife knew she was dying, at that point, and tried to fight back the best she could. I stayed with her, and tried to feed her the best I could,watch TV with her, talk to her all I could. But, by now it was the beggining of July of 2021, and she was fading fast. I came in one day in late July to find her trying to eat an durable to get the food to her mouth, so I fed her and went to see the Aministrator of the Rehab. I asked why she wasn’t being fed, and was upset. The Administrator looked at me and told me they are doing what they could. I asked how much longer her medicaid would cover and was told three more days. I called in Hospice and set her up to come home in two days.

The Hospice team set up a bed and equipment for her in our home and she came home to me, on July 29th, 2021. If ed her, hired a nurse to clean her daily and did the best I could. I had my sister come help me with her and tried to get her daughter too come and help. In the end, we did all we could for my wife, I know I did, On August 1oth, 2021, the nurse came to clean her, and told me she would not touch her. I asked why and she said, she had seen this stage before and my wife was on her way out. The nurse stayed for her hour I paid for and then left, 20minutes later, my wife passed. The cancer had won and I had lost. I still remember I had kissed her forehead and told her I loved her, and her last words to me were she loved me too.

Ten days later, we buried my wife, and I said my final goodbye to her by her grave as I cried. After 16 years of her fighting cancer rit was over, she was finally at rest. Thank God for that, for she had suffered bravely for those 16 years. As to me, I had to go on, which meant, selling all in the house and the house and getting out of it myself. My sister helped me thru it all and I stayed with her till I could find a place of my own, in another town and state nearer to her. Now a days, I live in a 956 ft. condo in Massachuetts, by myself, I am lonely at times and sometimes find myself reminising and looking back. I miss her everyday and I know she can’t come back and I can not reach her either. So I struggle at times, and push through the best I can, it will be three years in August of this year 2024. As to what happens to me, I do not know, I go day by day and push through the best I can, living in a 55 plus community in strange town, but, I am still here. The question is for how long and what is next ?

ALL, I can be, is me!


December 12th, 2023, Good Morning to all, it is still dark out here at 6:15 am. I awoke at 5:30 am, and facea new day once more. It is December, and getting closer to Christmas and the New Year is fast approaching also. Every year I do not worry about the Holidays anymore, no one to celebrate them with so i end up either walking, reading or building a puzzle alone. Don’t get me wrong, because some may think I am complaining or crying because I am alone, I really do not, do so. I have always been able to handle the loneliness, ok. I would never push, or impose,or burden anyone with my presence, plus it’s cheaper, not to have to buy for others.

As we head to the end of 2023 and the beggining of 2024. it has now been 28 months, since my wife passed from her breast cancer. I miss her kowledge, I miss her companionship, I miss her laughter and her touch. I shall always miss her, I know it seems like I am constantly grieving her, but, I am not so much grieving her anymore as to just outright missing her. When you are married to the same person for 28 years and they pass, you find yourself doing what I do, looking for things to do, and hoping you just can make new friends, get lucky one more time, so you don’t die alone.Yet, you know you meet someone, you have to guard against being taken for money, or belongings or being ripped off, or used or abused because you are now elderly. Then, because your elderly, the odds of finding someone to enjoy the end of life with, in your age range is lessened, due to the same concerns and ageism itself in today’s society. It’ a catch 22 situation in many ways.

As Time goes on for me, I find myself tired of looking, and tired of worrying about finding someone to share what life I have with left. I have tired dating sites like, Zoosk, Match, and others, ,all they do is eat your money, and produce no results in meeting anyone decent. Most on these date sites, are not looking for straight companionship, they want money is all. Someone to buy them a lunch or dinner,or a drink at a club or tavern and someone who’s walllet they can pick at, to help them survive. While paying for a drink is ok, if your talking to her and she is interested, and real is fine,many women, think you owe them or have to pay them, to be with you. Paying for sex never happens with me, and I don’t care who the woman is, if it doesn’t happen naturally, it tain’t going there. Accepting I have had a decent life so far is where I am at today. I have had 2 marriages, two children, 2 daughters, numerous homes and been basically, healthy, so I am lucky. Like everyone else, of course, health issues do come up and I fight them off and carry on.

I have written short stories and poems and numerous blogs in my time. I have commmented on life, relationships and politics also. I have walked many miles in my shoes and been around the world in The Navy, served in The Army, National Guard and the Navy. Seen places few will ever see, and I must admit, people are people no matter where they be, what language they speak matters not. We all want the same things, the necessities, the place to live in peace, food and in the end love and sex. It is a world wide fact for all of it. We all want to be safe, be healthy, be allowed to just be ourselves, and to do so with someone we love or care for, and who does the same for us. Life is more than sex, life is more than existing, it is living and enjoying, so do it folks.

I will say this to anyone out there, if you have a wife, a husband and have been married for a while, you do not want to just toss it, without reason, just because your sex drive tells you too. We all become set in our ways when married, we do things, the way we do them, due to patterns, and what we get used to and are comfortable about. Unless something drastic changes and forces you to move on, hang in there and make compromises if you must. In the long run you are set and starting over is a bitch, just ask someone like me. I had my first marriage and that ended in divorce, and had to relaunch myself and start over. Then, I found my second wife, and it went 28 years and she passed from cancer and I honestly can sayI was lucky as hell to have her. But, facing a restart at my age in my mid 60’s is rough. the world changes a lot in 28 years, and the dating world is not the same anymore.

There are no single’s dances for people 60 and up, there is no walking up to a woman in her 60’s and asking her out easily with confidence. As we age we lose some of our confidence, looks and even skills. I am definitely in a disadvantage in my mind and thoughts. I have no idea where to find a woman in my age range, how to tell if they are single and want to mingle, and I fear approaching anyone who is taken or married. The thing with me is simple, I may admire a woman, I may even be attracted to her, but at my age, I fear approaching and the anxieties of age kick in, so I end up alone always. Internet dating sites seem to be the way people go these days, and I find it impersonal, cold, and chancey to do. Like I said earlier, I tried it a few times, and basically said, enough.

Will there ever be another woman in my life I have large doubts on that one. I am older, uglier, and set in my ways these days. I am basically like either Jack Lemon or Walter Matheu in that old movie Grumpy Old Men, puttering along, doing what I can alone and not bothering anyone. I say hello to many, I smile and laugh in public, and then head home to put my feet up, watch tv, and go to bed on time. Each day is basically the same, and I only change when I need to do three things,one a doctor, two a dentist, three to go shopping lol. Other wise I putter and walk and hide in my 596 square foot condo, I call my cage, in a 55 plus neighborhood. I watch people go to and fro, and that is how my life does go.

I used to cook for my wife and I and family on holidays, but, I am alone these days, so it is quick, micro-wave food, pizza and sandwiches for me. No reason to cook, really, no one to share it with ,if, I do. This way it is not leftovers everyday at least. I clean my own condo, I do my own laundry and I putter through is all. What most of us do as we age and we don’t realize it is, we reach a point where the reason for being on earth, disappears. Without someone to share life and it’s liberties with, our motivation tends to disappear and we wind down. Thats why, I say if you have someone, you love or are married to or in a decent relationship with, don’t give it up, it helps to keep you alive. Once it does end, you really don’t want to have to start over again, too many things to get used to and changes to live through. Stay with what ya got and who ya got folks, the dating world is not easy or fun anymore, it is electronic, internet,computers and phones now and basically sucks. The world says it is better for all, what they don’t know is it isn’t, people skills are dying, anyone can type, or talk on a device, but few can handle face to face anymore, thats for sure. We don’t tend to talk to one another, or anyone in person, or look into each others eyes, we don’t tend to hug or touch either. We are now, very distant from one one another and we don’t realize it. But, that is the way, the world has gone now and accepting it is all we can do. So, I putter along, mind my own, do what I must do to survive and have basically, said this is how it must be, for someone like me. I never learned to flirt in my younger days, I was always too busy running is what I say. I didn’t really chase the girls, yet, I ended up married twice in this world. I will never understand why, but, somehow, thats how it went, destiny, fate, maybe, I shall never know. Yet I age and that is so, I putter on, and I guess I shall always you see, for all I can be, is me.

Grief, Dealing with it


Today is December 6th, 2023, the year has been flying by for all of us and time stops for no one and we age as it does. We go through life and we never stop to think that, we may depart it at any moment, and those we care about may do so too. Now, I was watching CNN this am and Anderson Cooper was talking about his podcast he did regarding grief and loss and how one handles it in life. He even hada conversation with President Joe Biden regarding it all. Grief drives many of us, but, it also holds some of us back, from being the best we can be. It is a two edged sword in it’s own way. One one side, we miss those we have lost and we get quiet, sad and depressed. Some go to the other side and use their loss, of one they loved to drive them forward inlife and to do good. Each of us are different of that much I am sure.

I have lost my wife of 28 years in 2021 to cancer, and I know about grief for I live with it daily. I find myself, remembering her daily, and even at times talking to her, wishing she were still here with me. I have to say, I lost my grandfather to cancer, my father to cancer, my mother to cancer, even my stepfather to cancer also. And yes eaxh affected me differently in my life when it happened. For you have different relationships with each member of your family and no two can be the same. But, one thing is common in all of them and the loss for each, it does, remind me of my own humanity, my own vunerabilty and depressed me, because I miss the one I lost. Depression, isa natural part of grief I am told, and how you handle the loss and grief is vital to your life. Some of us withdraw and hide from society, and I have done that for the past over two years since my wife passed. I have questioned could I have kept her alive longer, was there something I could have done for her. COuld I have stopped her from dying? I was even accussed of killingh her by someone because I gave her morphine as instructed by the Hospice NUrses and Doctors to kill her pain. All of it affects me daily, as Is it and wonder, and think of how much I miss her.

I know, the depression and the missing of her has stopped me from venturing out and being open to asking another woman to be a part of my life or to date. Fear the intimacy and closeness and losing someone again, that I would be so close with. The commitment it takes to be in such a relationship is big and in the end, no two are the same. So when you lose someone you were with for a long period of time, that relationship, has shaped your life, your thoughts, your emotional makeup and so much more. You suddenly find yourself adrift, lost, alone and tend to aimlessly, try to find a way to hold on, and move forward alone. Then you do not wish to put that depression or feelings on anyone else to burden then, or to impose on them or to have them feeling sorry for you either. So you stand alone, and try o move forward on your own, and find yourself thinking about the missing one you lost, and end up at times staring at their photos, or at times talking to them, when you know they are gone. So, what does one do, to face depression and these emotions and feelings that happen in loss.

My thought on how to overcome all of it is not simple. For grief is something all have to go through at sometime in their life. SO I look at others, I try to talk to others, and in the end, many do not wish to hear it. Some go enough, get over it, move on, let it go. Yet, I can’t, because Iw as so involved and attached to her. Then I come to realize, I am not doing anymore for her, I can’t elp her anymore, I can’t save her anymore, I can’t bring her back and I cry. Then I hide for days on end, embarrassed by showing the emotion or tears and don’t want anyone to see it. It takes time, for those tears to dry up and stop folks. It takes time to make peacxe with yourself, and all you can do, is try to calm down and put it in perspective in your own heart and mind, and try to open up again. Am I wrong if I try to find someone else to be with, am I wrong for wanting to be with a partner again, and to try to find some more joy in my life? I don’t know yet, and it’s now been since August of 2021. I know I miss her, but, how do I stop, myself from comparing her to someone else, of stopping the memories of her from coming up again. Is there a way trough this grief?

I thank Anderson Cooper for his podcast and his thoughts and his discussion with The President of the United States Joe Biden. I think, if both of them can talk about it and give us some direction on to handle it and to deal with it, they have both done us a favor. They have opened up a flood gate for those of us dealing with grief that shows we are not alone in dealing with it all. There are many of us, dealing with it, and in the end, i think all of us, must help one another in someway, even, if it means, finally finding a way to move on and find someone else. It’s the how, that is hard for sure. Yet we all know we must, for we are still lhere and they are gone.