Tag: LIfe

The answers my friends, is blowing in the wind, as Stevie Wonder, sang !


Ok, March has arrived, and the year is moving forward whether we will as people or not. As to saying anymore about finding a companion or partner in Westborough, it seems to me, there is no sense in doing it anymore. People on the Westborough sites on Facebook, dislike me doing so, so out of respect for their web pages and wishes I won’t go there again.

As to me personally, I have at least my health, a place to live, a roof over my head and food to eat. I have transportation when needed and medical and dental care as needed so I am blessed. Unlike many who are homeless, or without care, I am healthy enough to take care of myself, thank god.

Being a disbabled veteran, who served for 16 years in three branches, I live with certain conditions. I have suffered from Attention Deficet Disorder and Hyper-Activity all my life. Yet I overcame it and carried on and survived. I have PTSD-Post Trumatic Stress Disorder from childhood and military life, yet I have found myself able to carryon and help others when I can. As long as my back injury of six herniated discs from my service time does not lock up with arthritis, or in pain, I will keep going. To see me, no one would think, I am disabled, yet I am. You learn how to deal with injuries and health problems as you age, and overcome the best you can as well as deal with it all.

I have dealt with the deaths of family members due to cancer, from my grandfather, to my father, mother and step-father, and my wife of 28 years. At times finding the loses hard to accept, I stumble along and try hard not to surrender, I have survived lung cancer myself in 2013, while caring for my wife as she was dying. It’s a lot to deal with yes and I sometimes repeat myself, but, I shall not surrender, I am here and alive, live and be peaceful, I say.

Some believe in churches, some believe in faith and some believe in destiny. I believe in something few will understand, I think. What shall be will be of course, and destiny and faith guide us all. I have a belief of being put here on earth for a mission. You see, we are all put here on this planet for a reason, a mission we do not understand, that we really don’t fully understand. But, once we complete that said mission, we get recalled to where we have come from. Thats what I call the mystery of life, we have no idea what we are really put here to do. Nor do we know what act or action, will be our final curtain so to say. So in the end, keep going, try to enjoy each day, each moment, each interaction.

Long ago and far in my past as a child, I used to study mother nature in the woods of my birth town. I would climb trees, catch bees, frogs, turtles, watch birds and other animals. I think many of us grew up that way, in my generation. Playing outdoors was the way to be back then and all of us did it. Be home by suppertime and when the lights go on you better be home. We had bikes, balls, and games we played from One, Two, Three red Light, to Hide and Seek and more, that we invented. Neighborhood baseball games, football games were daily experiences. That was life growing up !

I noticed as I did, the insects in the world also. Ants are a interesting comparrision to humanity in a way and if you look close enough and stop to think of it, live almost the same as we. They scurry on the planet to build homes and communities to survive and all work in one ant family to survive together and multiply. Always scurrying busily along with little regard for other creatures, but their own. When I stop to think of this, I end up thinking how their communities, their way of living and their short span of life, conicides with and equals humanities in many ways. We scurry, we work like they do, we build communities like they do and we reside on this planet like they do. The comparrison in my mind leads me to question something else, are we as humanity like the ants below our feet and is each planet out there that has life , doing the same we are doing ? Do we know enough about the universe and life, to know what it is really all about ? It does lead to wondering doesn’t it?

Yes we are limited in all we do, although some have greater physical abilities or greater mental abilities, we are all human and have our problems and difficulties in life. Some physical, some emotional, and some mentally. Yet, mankind adapts to our surroundings to the point we can and works to change the enviroment we live in to prolong our existance on earth. We have a problem as I see it though, the resources of the planet we live upon are slowly being used up, and at a greater pace than we can afford. we burn and use the planet and it’s resources daily, oil, gas, water, food. Will we be able to replace and replenish any of it, to keep us going, or shall mankind ultimately, cease to exist, because we didn’t work hard enough to replenish and replace what we need to survive ? So many questions abound, when I stop to think of it all, but, the answers my friends, is blowing in the wind, as Stevie Wonder, sang !

Aging,Processes!


 Lets talk about aging, we all do it of course until we don’t, lol ! Now as we age, we tend to get smarter, and know more, but, we also, tend to either lose the physical abilities due to age and injuries, or the mental abilities due to age or disease, or some of us lose the emotional abilities we were born with, and get old and cold so to say. It is funny how it happens without us actually realizing it, but it does.

 As We age we get set in our ways and thoughts and beliefs and refuse to open up to other ideas. We learn what works for us and we stick with it, all. And that in and of itself, makes life a little easier for us as we age. Our bodies get weaker, unless we are exercise freaks and do it daily. And our minds get weaker because we are less depended on and more isolated, because of the age we reached. We get discarded in a way, for the newer generations that are behind us and when they catch up, they get the same treatment and don’t realize it is coming at them, anymore than we did at their age. It is a cycle of life we all must live through. It’s natural true, but not pleasant if you get my drift.

 When we reach a certain age, doesn’t matter which sex we be, we are set in our ways and we frown on those who are different for sure. Ever find yourself wishing you were younger or able to be more active, physically or sexually, or emotionally, and then going wow I remember that stuff? I know I do !

 I may be 68, but I am not dead yet, I still can move, I still can interact and I still can feel emotion and care, and attraction and fears. It’s just that, as we age we are more careful, we have seen and heard and done so much, we know where to avoid, dodge, run and duck so to say. Experience counts in life folks, whether it’s in games, sports, love or just laughs. We tend to know and feel what is right for ourselves and avoid those and things that aren’t, don’t we? Just because we learn, doesn’t mean we are dead and don’t want to be noticed, loved or held, or are not sexual in actions or thoughts. It just means we are not as easy and free caring as we were in our youth so to say. I hope some agree, but even if you don’t, remember we are all human we all feel and we all can be hurt ! We don’t enjoy being put down or ignored for being older either, we just want to be excepted and be included is all, we get lonely too.

 I have heard many say they like their lonely periods, they can think better, they can relax better, alone. We all get to that point in life, believe me folks. But, excessive isolation, causes problems with the human soul, and mind and being. Thats why, we always seek out things to do, places to go so we are never truley alone ? Evne the elderly, tend to end up together in Senior Centers, Concerts, resturants and more. Even if we don’t know one another personally we find the gathering and make it work somehow so we fit in, we adapt to whats there, don’t we? The human ability to adapt, is amazing really, and it works for all of us. Thank God for that at least right?

 We can’t all be rich and well to do as we age, some of us don’t reach the independent platuea so to say, We depend on our children to care for us, or end up in nursing homes or convalesent homes. Sadly, as our lives wind down, our relatives and families carry on their lives, and place us in such situations and we end up with no choice, we need to be cared for. Time stops for no one thats for sure, it’s amazing how it just keeps marching on. Yes, it’s true, The only one who messes with Father Time is Mother Nature folks, and they have one hell of a lengthy and long affair. We just live through it and watch it go by daily and happen. We benefit from it weather wise, but the constant is that time moves forward and we cycle down with age. We can’t avoid it, there is no miricle fountain of youth or elixer folks, we all face the passing of time and older age. If we survive and avoid all the pratt falls, mistakes and accidents along the way and of course we are fortunite enough to keep our sanity too. So many pratt falls and dangers in life, physically and mentally exist. I have seen then up close and personal, cancer, suicides, fires, guns, violence, accidental deaths on the roads or at events. So many things take people out, we are not super human and invinceable folks, no supermen or superwomen exist on this planet. I wish sometimes I were super, and I bet you do too, but, in the end, we must face old age and the fact we are human.

  If your lucky in life, you have at least two loves, you have had at least two special relationships, and you enjoy being with others. If your lucky you get your fair share of hapiness and love and material things you need. But, some just aren’t that lucky and they get by with less and are happy still. Remember as you age, and head down the ending slope, that it’s the interactions and the people you had them with, that makes you happy that counts, as long as they were happy too. It’s nice to be a single person, who had it all, but it all falls away if you have no one as you age. Believe me I know, I am a widower and have been now for 3 years almost, you fear involvement, you don’t want to compare someone to the one you lost or hurt them, you fear rejection, you fear the fact your aging and don’t look as good as you used to, your wrinkles show, your hair falls out, the jolt and jumps in your steps stop, and you slow to a walk then to a crawl before you fall. Gravity gets ya, anger can eat you up, inside, depression comes on and you realize at some point you have to cast it all aside and drive toward your own finish line at your own rate. It’s just a fact of humanity that we all must face, don’t we? Doesn’t matter if we are the president, or a peasant on the street, it is a fate and destiny that we all do meet, it’s called death.

 So, yes aging, is a process we all face, knowing and learning we are limited in life’s length, is just a fact we all must face. So we prepare, we save money, we buy insurance,and plots to rest. we try to make sure, we are not a burden on anyone as we age, nor do we want to impose on anyone or interfear in their lives either. So, we learn to live alone again, once we lose the one we loved. If we get divorced or our partner passes, most of us, do not rush into a new relationship for many reasons. We don’t want to compare others to the one we lost, we don’t want to be hurt emotionally, or financially, physically or mentally either. We are cautious, we are slow, to engage or open up. For once we do, we are taking a chance someone will hurt or damage or take from us, and we can’t replace or repair it. It is like a cautionary tale, in an old book or movie, me I am like one of those Grumpy Old Men from that old movie, that starred Jack Lemon and Walter Matheau lol. I putter along, I notice things, I carry on, with what brings, But, I watch from afar, and I don’t get involved, and no one notices me you see, for that is how it should be. And I am not stupid enough to think anyone would care either, all are too busy living and doing their own things. Life goes on.

  I used to think we are like the ants beneath our feet, We scurry all over the world, collecting food and what we need to survive. And below us the ants do the same. We do not know what our purpse here is anymore than they do beneath us. They have their drives and motivations and processes and we have ours. It is indeed a endless cycle of life is it not folks, you tell me !

 

 

The Westborough Dilemia for me!


 Hello January 4th 2023. As usual my morninga nd day started at 6 am, always up early it seems, must be aleftover from my service days. Ha dmy two coffees and took my meds, now I chat some and try to decide what to do for my day and with it.

  Each day is a new beggining and away we go 2024. Now the question is how to make it better for me, each day as i go. Finding new things to do or go or to meet people can be rough on someone my age, I am 67 soon to be 68. At some point I have to get out more and meet new people, but where and how I have yet to figure out here in Westboro, Mass.

 Westborough, Mass. is a quaint town, and a quiet one for sure. While I appreciate the fact it has so many banks and bars, and lots of money in it, it, still lacks places for people my age to have fun and meet others. The Senior Center is ok, but, slow always, many avoid it I believe unless i am stopping there on the wrong days or something, lol.

  I went to BJ’s in Northboro, to get a membership one day, and ended up flirting with two ladies there lol. Of course nothing happened except smiles and laughs but at least it was fun. I looked around a bit in there, big place lots there, so I will probally go back if for nothing else except gas or frozen food.

 I go to Solomon Mall to walk a lot, which is fun just to watch people go by and get some exercise, especially now in the winter months. I may walk it two or three times a week. I window shop and may stopandhave lunch in the food court there. Of course finding a woman to talk to or get to know there is a case that is slim to none, there days. The malls are not packed and most women stay to themselves anyway, they, are scared of talking to people they don’t know. So, I basically watch the crowds and people go by and stay by myself. I have learned, the women of Massachuestts are very careful and are scared or have anxieties and fears regarding men. Why, I do not know, but, there seems to me, that the women here, are putoffish and stuck-up, or something.

 I shall do my thing as normal of course iwalk here in my condo complex of the mall. I shop at SHop and Stop, and Walmart and Target. I used to bowl but, again that died out due to lack of interest of those in my complex. Then I play billards once a week on monday evenings, for fun and chat to people there and laugh and joke. reading I do, puzzle building I do and of course watching tv and such at home. Every now and then if I see a movie I really want to see I may go to a theather, to see it. I am not rich, so, I don’t try to spend a lot.

  So at times I feel like one of the characters in that old movie, Grumpy Old Men lol. Which one I am I don’t know for sure, there was Jack Lemon and Walter Matheu lol. Same old routine daily, putter around, say hello to folks ya know and just carry on. I can wish it was different for me, but, I can’t make it so, so far. I moved here in 2022, and I am lost and have no idea what to do or where to go for fun.

 Dating apps as I said before cost too much and again what I find is the women there don’t want a partner or boyfriend or man in their lives, except as a wallet for their wishes. Men get taken on those apps, the cost of the app, the paying of dinners for the women and it seems to me, the women have their own fears and anxieties there too, so they are always guarded and withdrawn or scared. Society it seems is now all digital , one on ones people fear and that goes for both sexes. Sadly, the loneliness syndrome is real in America, and the reasons are just what I am talking about. How to change it, is still a question that is ongoing, now-a-days.

 The News is never good from politics to crimes, very few good reports on anything anymore. Americans are growing tired of it all, and in the end, they ignore and do their own thing and wala, weend upwith the Trump fiasco, and a mess. Is there a way out of it all, we shall see as we enter the election year of 2024. I do know this, if Trump is found to be immune whilePresident and can’t be prosecuted or charged as he is now, then I pray for the fate of America, for that will mean all President’s can do what they please while in office without any consequences at all. Imagine then, what President’s could get away with while in office. I won’t take sides here, but my opinion is well known, in my blogs.

 I did the tour of the bars in the area, Neighborhood Tavern, Red Heat Tavern, JP’s and Central House. All have decent food and drink, and thats all I know of them really. Not a big drinker or a regular at any of them. They added the new Brewery Cold Harbor in town too, I hear it was great when it started but went downhill fast, due to lack of service, not enough employees I believe, only went and looked around once an dleft havent been back there yet.

 Anyway, 2024 has begun, I am gonna try to stay positive, hopefull and keep smiling as I go along and hope is all. 2024 has to be better than 2023, for all of us. Keep smiling, keep laughing and I will try to enjoy life as I do. Good Day to All!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Thoughts,On The Holiday Season !


The last Christmas, I had with my wife, I took her to her daughters and sat in the background as she talked, and chatted with her ex-husband’s widow and her own daughter and her grandkids. I sat in the livingroom on the couch, and played video games on my cell phone is all. The same took place when we went to her sister’s across the state from where we lived in Connecticut, for the 28 years I was with her. On Christmas Eve I would go to my sisters and exchange presents with her and her man. Watch a movie and pack it in and go home. So Holidays to me, never were fun and never will be, but, since she passed in 2021, I find it hard to celebrate at all.

 It has now been 28 months since she passed from cancer and I hospiced her. I worked overtime, selling all I owned when she passed, and sold the home we had also. I moved north to Massachusetts, and bought a condo up here. I thought it wasa good iswa because i would be closer to my sister. Yet, that changed fast, once she found a new man in her life and moved away. I have been alone now for a pretty good amount of time, no one to really talk to, or be with, just me. I play billards oncea week with some people here at the condos I live in on Monday evenings. Other than that, I am alone, and walk, or read, build puzzles and watch television or movies as I go. I walk a mall near me some days, just to get out of my condo for a while. I shop for food as needed and go to doctors or dentists is all, otherwise. Meeting someone is not apossibility for me, as far as romance goes, because i do not like bars or taverns, so I stay home. At 67 going on 68 I have no plans to join a gym either. So at times, I wonder what I can do, to keep going, day, by day. As I see it, I would go stir crazy if it were not for the NFL, NBA, on tv, or the Billards Club on Monday evenings once a week.

 I don’t do resturants on my own, some people do, but, alone is uncomfortable for me. I tried doing breakfast alone this past week and ended up eating, alone and basically coming home. I find the people in Westborough, Mass here, very cold toward people my age. Ageism in modern america is a large factor, but, it seems even more so here. I am not sure, anyway, if I am able to handle it, if i did meet someone. I shy away and avoid talking to most, I am very aware of my age, and know most women are married and taken, in my age group. Finding a woman in my age range is impossible here in Westborough, Mass. all are younger or married it seems, or I have no idea where to find any to meet and talk to. I am lost in attempting it. When you were married for 28 years, you get set in your ways, and the whole dating scene has changed to, dating sites anyway. It’s a different world out there for sure. Dating sites cost money and most don’t work anyway, women are scarred in todays society and personally, I am too.

 So my Christmas will be one alone, at home, reading, watching tv, walking, building a puzzle and playing either video games or writing blogs like this one. New Year’s wil be the same too, there are going to be events at the clubhouse here where i live in my condos, but I do not attend them, for I feel out of place and strange when I do. It’s very uncomfortable for me, so I stay home alone. I am very aware of my age, my lack of looks and that many don’t like me here. So, I am better off alone. Whether i can keep going alone is the only question I face, and for how long I can last. There are times when I get depressed feel alone, and down, and think about what to do, I have even thought of ending it and joining my wife. Yet at the moments and times those thoughts hit me, I seem to be able to pass through it and survive. I know I am facing the hardest part of the year for me, right now, these Holidays. The hardest time is now upon me the final days of 2023 and New Years Day. I have to mak eit through alone now, and it will bea struggle. I will keep day by day, thinking one thing, survive.

 

 

Just thoughts of mine, Today !


 Sunday December 17th, 2023, began fro me at 4:30 am. Sleep is not something that seems to be in store for me. I sleep about 4 and a half to 6 hours a night is it. It is hard to sleep, when you really don’t do much, to get tired or you lay down and watch tv and fall asleep during the day. If i want to sleep or catch up on sleep, I have to walk or find other things to do, during the day, and force myself to stay awake. I know insominia is bad for people, and it brings us closer to death when it does happen, for along period of time. Just a medical fact.

 I find myself, not finding the energy or interest to do much anymore. I walk is all and watch television a lot, read a little and keep to myself. Before my wife passed in August 2021, I had someone to interact with, someone to care for, and someone to do for, now all I have is me. A 596 square foot condo, is just a cage to hide in these days, and, nothing more. It provides for a roof over my head, a place to cook when I want to, a place to watch tv, do laundry and shower is all. Cleaning it now and then as needed, because all that is here is me, is not much really. I do the necessities of course, but, overall, it is boring.

 As we age, we come to realize we get set in our ways, and we do not like changing much. We get set in patterns and in my case, it is honestly true. I have basically gave up, trying to reach out, or go out alone, it is boring, people don’t deal with the elderly well and the older you get they shun you. I wish, I was more of an extrovert than I am, because at least then I could talk to others easier. I was never a social butterfly, or someone who meets others easily. I think extroverts are lucky, and they do better than I ever will socially. I stay to myself, out of fear, anxieties, and the inability to interact can kill. Some people can handle the alone time and like it, yet even they ultimately find a way to interact with others, I don’t. I stay alone, and it will probaly get to me sooner than later. Never have been a ladies man either, I can count the women I have been with at 67 going on 68 years old, on one hand. Yet, I have had two marriages, two children, don’t ask me how.

 I grow older, I grow more isolated daily, coming out only for certain purposes. I come out to walk, or to go to doctors or dentists, or to shop as needed. I am not a church goer, I don’t drink, so bars are no good for me. I bowled for a while but than that died out due to my back injuries, I play pool once a week is all. I read as I can when I can, I play X-Box now and then and even that I stopped out of boredom. I sit and stare at a TV Screen daily, watching repeats or movies, but, mostly sports, The NFL and NBA keep me going really. News is boring, sad and depressing these days, wars here and there, hostages taken, people killed in wars is all you hear about, nothing positive really. Being 67, soon to be 68 is no fun, and I doubt if there will ever be anymore fun in life for me. Existing is not living, if you have no interaction with others, you have no real life. It’s just a fact is all.

 To answer the questions some will ask, like, you sound suicidial at times are you ok? The truth is no, but I push on, puttering through the normal everyday, things we all do. Some will ask, Doctors I am sure, have I ever though of committing suicide, yes, many times. What stops me, is only the fear of what is on the other side, while at other times, the draw to go, is my wife has proceeeded me and I miss her dearly and wish she was here, with me again. The American society as I see it, is not kind to it’s elderly and senior citizens and when you lose a long time spouse you loved dearly, there is a draw to want to join the, out of pure depressiona nd loneliness, period.

 Many have said, I should get up go do things, go to bars, go to shows,concerts, games anything to keep busy, but I don’t. I can’t find the motovation to do such things and i do not have a drive for them. I avoid people and crowds, I lack social skills others my age and older have. I look at myself and see a old, coot of a man, not pretty to look at, and getting older by the day. I really do resemble one of those Grumpy Old Men from that old movie, that starred Jack Lemon and Walter Matheu. I putter day by day, alone, and I ask no one for help and never will, I will never impose on anyone, nor will I ever be a burden to anyone, I refuse to do that. As I age, slowly I have come to accept the fact that, my time shall come soon enough. I don’t really fear death, why, because I know it is a natural occurrence that we all face. It’s just a matter of how soon and under what circumstance I go. I just want to go peaceful is all, I don’t want to feel it.

 I believe honestly, I did the right things in my life, as I lived it. I helped my parents, my siblings, my friends, and did the best I could. I served my country for 16 years also. I have had a life that is decent I believe, yet, in the end, far from perfect. I have made my mistakes as any man or woman has. Some choices were wrong, others were right, it is a natural occurrence when you live a life. We learn as we go, is what I say, and we always use our experiences of the past to adjust in the present and look ahead to the future. It’s called life folks we all go through it.

 I have always and will always have a firm belief, that, we are born and brought into theworld fora purpose and that purpose is the mission or missions we were sent here to complete, that we really do not know. Yet when we finally complete the mission we are sent here for, we get recalled to the place from whence we came. Some of us head to heaven, some of us to hell and the way I see it, the earth welive on is actually, our in between or purgatory, we must live through. But, I will say this, each of us have our own beliefs on this subject for sure. I would never doubt what your belief may be or how you feel about it, I only know how I feel and what my thoughts are on it.

  I know, when I go, I did all I could to help others in my own way. And my legacy will be my blogs, my stories and my poems, my daughters, my grandchildren will be fine. I just hope when I pass, no one will cry over me, and that I never adversly affect anyone’s life, while I live.

 

 

 

ALL, I can be, is me!


December 12th, 2023, Good Morning to all, it is still dark out here at 6:15 am. I awoke at 5:30 am, and facea new day once more. It is December, and getting closer to Christmas and the New Year is fast approaching also. Every year I do not worry about the Holidays anymore, no one to celebrate them with so i end up either walking, reading or building a puzzle alone. Don’t get me wrong, because some may think I am complaining or crying because I am alone, I really do not, do so. I have always been able to handle the loneliness, ok. I would never push, or impose,or burden anyone with my presence, plus it’s cheaper, not to have to buy for others.

As we head to the end of 2023 and the beggining of 2024. it has now been 28 months, since my wife passed from her breast cancer. I miss her kowledge, I miss her companionship, I miss her laughter and her touch. I shall always miss her, I know it seems like I am constantly grieving her, but, I am not so much grieving her anymore as to just outright missing her. When you are married to the same person for 28 years and they pass, you find yourself doing what I do, looking for things to do, and hoping you just can make new friends, get lucky one more time, so you don’t die alone.Yet, you know you meet someone, you have to guard against being taken for money, or belongings or being ripped off, or used or abused because you are now elderly. Then, because your elderly, the odds of finding someone to enjoy the end of life with, in your age range is lessened, due to the same concerns and ageism itself in today’s society. It’ a catch 22 situation in many ways.

As Time goes on for me, I find myself tired of looking, and tired of worrying about finding someone to share what life I have with left. I have tired dating sites like, Zoosk, Match, and others, ,all they do is eat your money, and produce no results in meeting anyone decent. Most on these date sites, are not looking for straight companionship, they want money is all. Someone to buy them a lunch or dinner,or a drink at a club or tavern and someone who’s walllet they can pick at, to help them survive. While paying for a drink is ok, if your talking to her and she is interested, and real is fine,many women, think you owe them or have to pay them, to be with you. Paying for sex never happens with me, and I don’t care who the woman is, if it doesn’t happen naturally, it tain’t going there. Accepting I have had a decent life so far is where I am at today. I have had 2 marriages, two children, 2 daughters, numerous homes and been basically, healthy, so I am lucky. Like everyone else, of course, health issues do come up and I fight them off and carry on.

I have written short stories and poems and numerous blogs in my time. I have commmented on life, relationships and politics also. I have walked many miles in my shoes and been around the world in The Navy, served in The Army, National Guard and the Navy. Seen places few will ever see, and I must admit, people are people no matter where they be, what language they speak matters not. We all want the same things, the necessities, the place to live in peace, food and in the end love and sex. It is a world wide fact for all of it. We all want to be safe, be healthy, be allowed to just be ourselves, and to do so with someone we love or care for, and who does the same for us. Life is more than sex, life is more than existing, it is living and enjoying, so do it folks.

I will say this to anyone out there, if you have a wife, a husband and have been married for a while, you do not want to just toss it, without reason, just because your sex drive tells you too. We all become set in our ways when married, we do things, the way we do them, due to patterns, and what we get used to and are comfortable about. Unless something drastic changes and forces you to move on, hang in there and make compromises if you must. In the long run you are set and starting over is a bitch, just ask someone like me. I had my first marriage and that ended in divorce, and had to relaunch myself and start over. Then, I found my second wife, and it went 28 years and she passed from cancer and I honestly can sayI was lucky as hell to have her. But, facing a restart at my age in my mid 60’s is rough. the world changes a lot in 28 years, and the dating world is not the same anymore.

There are no single’s dances for people 60 and up, there is no walking up to a woman in her 60’s and asking her out easily with confidence. As we age we lose some of our confidence, looks and even skills. I am definitely in a disadvantage in my mind and thoughts. I have no idea where to find a woman in my age range, how to tell if they are single and want to mingle, and I fear approaching anyone who is taken or married. The thing with me is simple, I may admire a woman, I may even be attracted to her, but at my age, I fear approaching and the anxieties of age kick in, so I end up alone always. Internet dating sites seem to be the way people go these days, and I find it impersonal, cold, and chancey to do. Like I said earlier, I tried it a few times, and basically said, enough.

Will there ever be another woman in my life I have large doubts on that one. I am older, uglier, and set in my ways these days. I am basically like either Jack Lemon or Walter Matheu in that old movie Grumpy Old Men, puttering along, doing what I can alone and not bothering anyone. I say hello to many, I smile and laugh in public, and then head home to put my feet up, watch tv, and go to bed on time. Each day is basically the same, and I only change when I need to do three things,one a doctor, two a dentist, three to go shopping lol. Other wise I putter and walk and hide in my 596 square foot condo, I call my cage, in a 55 plus neighborhood. I watch people go to and fro, and that is how my life does go.

I used to cook for my wife and I and family on holidays, but, I am alone these days, so it is quick, micro-wave food, pizza and sandwiches for me. No reason to cook, really, no one to share it with ,if, I do. This way it is not leftovers everyday at least. I clean my own condo, I do my own laundry and I putter through is all. What most of us do as we age and we don’t realize it is, we reach a point where the reason for being on earth, disappears. Without someone to share life and it’s liberties with, our motivation tends to disappear and we wind down. Thats why, I say if you have someone, you love or are married to or in a decent relationship with, don’t give it up, it helps to keep you alive. Once it does end, you really don’t want to have to start over again, too many things to get used to and changes to live through. Stay with what ya got and who ya got folks, the dating world is not easy or fun anymore, it is electronic, internet,computers and phones now and basically sucks. The world says it is better for all, what they don’t know is it isn’t, people skills are dying, anyone can type, or talk on a device, but few can handle face to face anymore, thats for sure. We don’t tend to talk to one another, or anyone in person, or look into each others eyes, we don’t tend to hug or touch either. We are now, very distant from one one another and we don’t realize it. But, that is the way, the world has gone now and accepting it is all we can do. So, I putter along, mind my own, do what I must do to survive and have basically, said this is how it must be, for someone like me. I never learned to flirt in my younger days, I was always too busy running is what I say. I didn’t really chase the girls, yet, I ended up married twice in this world. I will never understand why, but, somehow, thats how it went, destiny, fate, maybe, I shall never know. Yet I age and that is so, I putter on, and I guess I shall always you see, for all I can be, is me.

Happy Holidays From Me !


Friday December 8th, 2023 started for me at 4:30 am, I awoke and went what the hell am I doing up? But, when I tried to go back to sleep my body and mind said no, so I crawled out of bed, got a coffee and here I am now. I know what most would say was go back to bed stupid, but, I can’t my mind won’t let me.

Many have tried to understand me, in my life, my first wife, the Navy, My daughters who know nothing of me and my own family that raised me. I have always been the one, they just never understood or have gotten, it’s just me. I have been called crazy, emotionally unstable, nutty, a loner, a drifter and so much more. If people knew me, better they would understand me better. I am no loner, or drifter, but when, I am hurt, tired and lonely, I do wander, and stay by myself, it’s my way of not hurting or harming anyone else. I shut down and lock myself away and wander on my own. I am a widower now for over 2 years, and I still talk to my deceased wife and wish she was with me in my own home. But, I know i am not alone in this, kind of grief process many suffer it too. So I try to handle it alone, so it does not spill over into others lives around me.

Some have no idea about who I am, what is happening in my mind and my heart or what I may be affected by. I was born with hyperactivity and attention disorder. Easily distracted and unable to pay full attention, in school or at home. I fought my way through it all, no medications or medical help and ended up sent a way for two years for what they called emotionaly instability in the 1960s. It wasn’t though it was ADHD, misdiagnoises happened plenty back then, medicine did not understand it all yet. Yet I persisted and overcame anyway.

As I grew up, it did cause many problems at home and in schools for me, ultimately it caused me to dropped out of high school, so I went to work and in the end went in the service. I served 16 years in three branches and was married and had two of everything, until I was discharged medically for an accident aboard ship that gave me herniated discs. At the sametime that was determined, I was all of a sudden in a divorce from lack of being able to support my family.

I overcame and moved on anyway, doing odd jobs and living off of unemployment, until, I found my second wife. She helped me deal with it all and helped me find a way to go forward. In return I helped her, and we ended up loving one another and living together. it would be a 28 year relationship, that I can never and will never forget, I still love her today over two years after she passed and left me due to cancer. One thing she told me and others before she passed was, that I am a realist, I will survive her passing and be fine. Well surviving is one thing being fine is another for sure I have found out. You can not replace the unreplaceable folks, the memories get you and you break down in private at times and then, pull yourself together in public and carry on. I know I am doing it these days, every day I live. I suffer from loneliness of course and not having someone in my life, because I shut down and refuse to reach out or allow any woman in. I know it is wrong to do, but, I do it on reflex, and to protect myself, I doubt I could handle losing another lover like that.

Living alone in a 596 square foot condo, in a 55 plus community, for me is not easy. I call my condo my 956 sq.ft. cell and cave I hide in. To me it’s true, I venture out to walk, put on a good face, smile and talk and kept moving never getting involved any where with anyone. Yes I shop, yes i go to doctors and dentists and medical appointments. No I do not go to bars. taverns, or social events alone. I feel out of place when I do, and I avoid that feeling everytime i can.

What to do, where to go, how to handle it all is a daily challenge for me. Yet, I struggle through and make it work, because I am still here. Yes there are times I think what the hell am I here for and I shouldn’t be here, I have no purpose in life anymore. I have considered suicide, and just haven’t found the courage to do so and can’t see myself doing so. I have seen numerous others die young and take their own lives, and end up shaking my head when I think of them.

Whats next for me I do not know, I only know I am here and it seems I have a way to go. I have always believed that we are put upon this world for a reason, we just don’t know what it really is. Each of us is born to accomplish some missions in our life time, and until you complete those unknown missions you are here, when you complete them, the Good Lord recalls you to his side and it ends. Is there a heaven or hell, I do not know, no one does, all we know is it ends for us, the beyond is not answerable is it? The Great Houdini, told his wife, he would come back from the dead, he couldn’t no one can, so we shall never know whats on the other side. We can only guess folks !

It’s the month of December of 2023, The Holiday Season is here and people are rushing to and fro, as Santa’s pop up laughing HO, Ho ,Ho. The Shopping is happening even though the economy sucks, but it shall go on, because it must. Church Bells will ring and people will smile, food will get cooked and served for a while. The joy of the Season comes every year, we all get so busy, we overlook those who cry a tear. Yet life goes on even for those who cry, for those who did die, and spirits get lifted you see. The sad part is after they do and all the smiling and laughter is done, what happens to those who are alone and just one. We shall never know, as long as they don’t affect us so and they are not apart of our lives, for all it all changes, when they become our children, relatives, husbands or wives. For the loss takes away the reason for Joy, and then we wonder why, we lost that husband, wife, girl or boy. It depresses and it messes with our will to live, and we think we do not have anything left to give. The truth be known and I am not alone, is that each of us, man, woman or child have something we can give and that is how we all live. So, I don’t surrender, but I do try to move on, to see whats next and what I must do, not for me, but for each of you. We all contribute in someway in our lifetime, there is a reason we are here, no matter if it is to teach a lesson, to take the pain, to, live in happiness or in shame. We shall not know, when it is time to go, it’s just a fact don’t you see. For in the end, all we can be, is who we are, and do what we can. wheither we be a woman or man.

I wish all The Best Of Holidays no matter your faith or belief, and I hope all will be strong, healthy and not suffer grief. We do at some point in our lifetime, as one friend said, depression is in your mind, Find a way to hol don to the good memories, and that will be so much better for you and for me, in time.

Happy Holidays to ALL !

Highs and Lows!


      Lets talk highs and lows! Highs are moments you feel no matter what you did right and things went right for all involved but especially for you.

       Lows are those moments when you wish you never did what you did an and nothing turns out right at all. 

        We all have those moments believe me and we all know we have them too.  It seems we learn from the low ones and enjoy the high ones in extremes, not in moderation. There is no way to do anything in moderation except eat that works in life really is there?

        Highs are usually such things as birth,Your first step or word spoken, your first Graduation and Second, your first book you completed, the birth of siblings and the achievement of something you wanted to do, but had been unable to do till you actually got it done. All proud moments in a life usually recorded, in photos and saved for history to see. That first job, that first car, that first date, the loss of your virginity, that first love.  All Highs in anyone’s book right? 

       The lows well lets talk busted relationships, foolish questions or statements. Or maybe you got desperate for attention and did something stupid to get some, whatever it was , we all have low moments in time I call regrets and so should you. That first spanking, that first taking of something not your own, that first lie,that first accident. Or maybe it’s regrets about not taking care of yourself or a loved one, or walking away from a relationship or child you shouldn’t have these are all regrets we have in life. we live, we lose, and we win, but like I always say about sports and events, you win some, you lose some and some you just shouldn’t play!

        The thing to remember folks and I have learned from these highs and lows, and regrets is this, you can’t change the past, you can only control the present and hopefully make the decisions you do now from the lessons in the past to make the future the best you can!

     

Time and the limits of the Commodity of It


      Time it is a commodity we only have so much of. We don’t determine the length of life we live, only the type of life we live, for as long as we control it. Once the lights of life start disappearing from a person their body and soul starts to slow down too and they begin to understand the mortality of their being. We all have limited time to say I love you, I care, or to laugh or cry, and we just don’t realize it till it is almost too late. Then when our time is up and we face the end of life, we finally realize what made it all life, other people who we have in ours. It is the interaction between people, that makes a life complete, not just a spark of life in your body, but who affected you and whom to affected with your life. It is not what we leave behind that counts, material wise, it is what we leave behind that is a part of us, from inside that counts. Did you teach your child to count, did you teach a child to sing or play music, to write a story, draw a cartoon or person or bird? Did you teach a child to walk and talk and to be decent to others, cause if you did that is your legacy to the planet, and to humankind.

An old band called Seals and Crofts said in the 1970s, We May Never Pass This Way Again. They were correct for we know once we die we are gone for good from the human side of the equation that is life. We can no longer affect how our children learn or think or how the world reacts to things or anything else. So while we are all here on earth and in the human body and form and can interact with each other, can we just do so in an intelligent and peaceful way, and make the world a better place for our children and the children of the future? Or is it asking too much of the current generation of humanity to stop and think about the next few generation ahead and make it all easier for humanity to survive and get along? You Tell me folks!

 

My Life Story- shorts!


       My Life story is always overcoming things in my way as I go along.

“UnWanted”-http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CEKO3KW

“The Chase and Ending”-http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00D6GD8ZY

“Children center Lesson and Years (Hamden,Connecticut)-http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00D6VAS6Q