Tag: mental-health

Understanding Emotional Aging: A Deep Dive


Can we discuss the aging process, for all of us? Seriously, as we age certain factors begin to tell us what we can or can not do in life and with our bodies and minds. We notice them first as aches and pains, limits on movement, and forgetfulness. Then we, slowly begin to notice old friends begin to drift away, or pass away and we get lonelier over time, because we are set in our ways, and we basically learn, we don’t want to put up with other people’s bullshit, in our lives, or their little pet peeves, why because we have enough of our own to deal with. lol!

So we begin to slowly isolate seperate and then we complain about that isolation and separation and lack of interaction. yet we are the ones that stop it without realizing we are doing so. It is a process, as we age we go through, and believe it or not each of us do so as we age. Age is a factor, like time is, like mother nature is too. The world does grind us away as we live in it, we suffer through the weather, the heat, the cold, the precipitation, and then, we go damn, can’t we get decent weather anymore. Then, some of us fly south for warmer climates and then come home again in warmer months, and others join move to those warmer spots and settle in, till we pass.

Physically our bodies tell us, how much we can take and for how long by the process of how they do break down. mentally it is a slower decline rate for many and for some a very fast rate due to illnesses, we do not know how we get, but we do. we have the forgetful areas, the slip up times, the loss of control of tempers, or the emotional loss of controls also. We reach out for medical help and we learn, it is best to do so, so the conditions we do have do not get worse. the biggest threat as we age, is not our bodies, physically, not our minds, though we should keep them healthy and use them more. No, the biggest threat to aging folks, is actually the emotional turmoil we go through. Each time our emotion rise and fall, it drives us lower in that area we need most to survive, energy. Your energy gets drained by emotions faster than any other thing that happens to you. For as your emotional well being goes, so goes your mental and physical health. I know I sound crazy, but, if we stop and think about it, examine ourselves better, we find it is true.

Love brings us up and makes us happy, sadness slows us down and causes depression. As we go through each, we begin to experience highs and lows, and they do take their effects upon us do they not? The difference is as we age we do not handle these ups and downs, these highs and lows, emotionally in the same way, anymore. There is not the constant high of being in love, or the constant low of depression, unless, we let it happen to us, is that not the case? I think in my opinion, the less emotional turmoil we go through ion life, the longer we stay feeling better about ourselves, not only physically, but mentally and we reach an emotional level, we like to be at, an even knell so to say. At that point we balance as long as we can, and we strive to maintain what we have. Knowing full well, we can’t have it forever like we would like. we lose different things, the mate we chose, the children we raised, the family structures we loved so much and held so dear. In the end, we learn we must still go on alone, when all else is lost, for the opposite choice is not really one we wish to face. So, onward we go, and we survive, because believe it or not, we do not determine when we must pass from the earth and plane we live on, it is not in our control.

Someone asked me once, what I believe in, God or something else? I stopped and thought about it at one point and I came to realize something, some never do. Whether there is a God or not, there is a purpose for us all. I believe, we are placed upon this planet and plane of existence, to complete missions in our lives, of which we do not know exactly what they be. And as we go along in the lives we lead, we slowly accomplish those missions, without realizing we are. When we complete all we are intended to complete, then we are recalled back to from whence we came. We affect others life’s as we go along, and in each relationship we have, we are there for a reason we do not understand. Yet in the end, that person or relationship is affected by us and they either stick with us till they are fulfilled, or they get from us what they need and move on and we start the next mission. I know sounds like a crazy theory right, but, in the end, it is not, it may be the ultimate truth for all mankind. And that my friends and enemies, doubters or believers, or anyone else, maybe the bottom line!

Embracing Life After Loss: Lessons Learned at 68


December 15th, 2024, it is chilly and cold outside today, the sun is shinning bright here, in Westborourgh, Mass. The day began for me at a lil after 6 am. Each day is different for sure and it doesn’t matter, who your neighbors may be or where you live. Time seems to move right along at a steady pace. I have now loved alone, basically since my wife died, and it is now over 3 years, since she passed. And yes I still think of her constantly, especially when someone or something reminds me of her. But, I also have learned she is not coming back and to look ahead, for I am still here. I have learned to live each day for myself, do the best I can, and have the most fun I can.

Well, sometimes, things happen, and you can’t change them, nor, did you intend them, but, wham they smack ya upside the head. Or someone thinks you did something and you didn’t, and wham again, it’s another smack at ya. I really, don’t care which it is, I just wish it would stop happening to me, these stupid things. I was leaving yesterday to go to the store and as I passed through the lobby on my way out, a lady was bending over and picking up some packages she ordered. As I was going out the door I looked back and she told me I was looking at her ass! I wasn’t of course but, she accused me of that. I told her, I did nothing wrong and she was the one bent over, not my fault, lol. I didn’t want to say what I was going to, which was, Lady I don’t give two cents about your ass! But, as usual I am too polite to do that, so I just left it and went to the store. Afterwards, I thought of seeking her out and telling her, I wasn’t looking, but, she wouldn’t believe me anyway, so I said fuck it. Silly shit happens all the time, when you live in a 55 plus community like I do. I could care less about her assor any other women’s to be honest, at 68 soon to be 69, seen enough of em. lol

Onward I go, throat was scratchy and sore this am, so I got some ice cream and cough drops for it and some chicken for the NFL games later. In the meantime, I wonder if I am doing the right thing, by trying to get out more and interact with others or not. Seems, some people don’t like me period, and because of that I usually stay at home. I don’t like people who think their shit don’t stink, or think they are better than everyone else, or smarter than all. Their not really, they just have this big ego and big mouth they use to say stupid things without thinking first. But, hey, as mom told me as a child, engage brain before you speak, is the only advice I can give these folks. Some accuse other of doing things they never did, and some accuse others of things they think we did, when in fact they do them themselves. It’s a crazy world ya know, and humanity itself, is not really stable in all ways. I know I am not loved by many, who live here and as far as I am concerned I am not worried about it, anymore. I used to worry about it, but then, I figured out, no one is going to love everybody and no will get along with everyone either, so why force it. I am me, and that is who I be, if you don’t like me avoid me and I shall return the favor for you. I think that makes better sense then hiding, or fighting with someone verbally, mentally or physically. So that is how I live, so if I don’t talk to you, much, please understand, it’s either you made it clear by your actions and replies you don’t like me, or I just don’t care for you either. I hope that makes sense. I know it does for me.

In my life, I have many different friends, and I still have some from when I was 14 years old and guess I always will, at least I hope so. I still have friends from my service days too, and my two marriages actually. I am not that difficult to get along with really. Yet, for some strange reason, some misread me, or don’t like my sense of humor or style, whatever. I can only say what I always say to some, I am me, who else can I be! So, as life goes on, I have learned I don’t like stuck up people, I don’t like people who think they are better than I. I don’t like people who think you said or did something when you didn’t, and who never stop to ask, if you did. I am not in love with liars, or thieves, I hate violence also. I think live should be live peacefully, and it should be fun. I had enough pressure situations in my life, in my childhood, my teenage years and as an adult who was married twice and in the service for 16 years. all I want is some peace, and happiness, some laughter, a way to relax. Is that too much to ask folks?

Now being 68 and turning 69 in a lil over one month, I cam honestly say, I never hurt anyone on purpose. I never was a physical person, nor did I torture or bother anyone mentally. I am not a vengeful soul either, I usually just walk away. No sense trying to change anyone else, the only time I hit anyone was to protect myself, period. Time does not change my nature or who I be, I shall always be just me.

Since moving here, I have seen many different types of people, both male and female. The stuck up woman, or the macho man images come to mind for some. Then there is the intellectual types, or those who rely on an attempt at humor to fit in. Then, there is the sarcastic ones too, they are sarcastic about everything they say to anyone and try to hide it behind a giggle, or a laugh, saying they didn’t mean it when they did. people are funny, and you can usually read it, if your patient, and smart enough to. You learn, you see, and you react appropriately, to avoid problems. That’s my way anyway. I never judge a book by it’s cover, I learned long ago, what’s inside a person may be totally different than the cover they show. All, have a way of protecting themselves in place they have learned to do, as they go along.

After two marriages, Two of everything for 40 years, I am now back to just me. No woman in my life, no children to pay for, no big homes to care for, just a decent condo, in a 55 plus community in a small Massachusetts town. A small car and all I need to survive. I read a lot these days, some politics, some murder stories, some biographies. I build puzzles, Walk when the weather is good. I play on the internet, and watch television. It is one day at a time for me now. Shop one day for food, do my laundry as needed, cook for myself and thats my way of life, simple is all. No I do not chase the women here and never will, just so that is known by those who thought otherwise.

I decided after I was asked to try to start a Single’s Group here in my community. To be honest, I have no interest in any kind of relationship. I am doing so, to help Widows and Widowers, but, I am not qualified as a grief counselor, so I had to expand it to all singles. So I did, and will see how it goes. I know at 68 going on 69, no woman wants an old man like me, and I never was a handsome person lol. Hopefully, it will help the ladies and gents here.

The other thing that has my interest, is Veterans and what we need. Many towns have places for Veterans to go and be with others and to entertain them, as well as to provide for their care. So, I was told there was a position open on The Veteran’s Board for the town, so I thought it over. I applied in the hope I may be of assistance to the town and the Veterans. I hope in my own way I can, but time shall tell.

In January, I turn 69 years old, and I have now outlived my father, mother and step-father as well as my mother. All died between 55 and 60 years old. I have one brother is older by a few years I never see, a sister I see now and then and a younger brother who I never see also. One of the five of us died at 30 years old many years ago now. My grandfathers died in their early 70’s, one at 72 and the other at 74, as far as I know. So how long I have left is a question for me, considering I have PTSD, 6 herniated discs in my spine, and more aliments. Pain is like a second constant for me, and I survive. I had Attention Deficit Disorder and Hyper-Activity as a child. I still overcame. I am the only one in my family with a college degree I believe, so I did ok. I write a lot or poetry, short stories and this blog. I do have short stories online and poems. Life hasn’t always been a bowl of jello for me, yet I never surrender or give up. As my life goes forward, I just hope, I can live it out in peace and some happiness.

That my friends is life in a cup or tea.


I woke this AM at 5:30, and of course I stubled out of bed, like many of others, thankful at 68 years old, my eyes still open and my body still works. Like many before me, I have my bodily aches and pains and even mental angishes too. I have phyical aliments that would stop most I think, six herniated discs in my spine is a killer. Then, I add in what I grew up with, and I have adjusted to and no one sees, PTSD, Attention Deficiet Disorder, Hyper-Activity and Depression. from loes of people of I loved. IT’s been a roller coaster over the last 3 years and some months, since my wife passed, from cancer and I survived lung cancer also.

Yet, here I am at 68, when I thought I would have been dead and gone by now. Never figured on living past 40 years old due to all of it above, but here I am. Life changes over the periods of time we are alive folks. As little kids we are raised and taught what to do and not to do. Then we reach an age where we want to do what all the adults do, but can’t, we be too young right? Then we reach the age suddenly where puberty comes into affect and we notice the opposite gender and the race for, the settling down period begins. And we date, and at some point if we are lucky, we find a partner and create a relationship. We all wish for families of our own then, as we march down the wedding aisle and get married and have kids of our own.

Then, for some of us, we make it till our kids are grown and on their own. For others we end up divorced or never married. And suddenly after some years, we once again find ourselves alone due to the death or passing os the one we love. So we flounderm we run some of us, others of us handle it differently, and we isolate ourselves. In the end we come to realize, 1) We are still here, yet alone. 2) Life doesn’t stop because our partners died, it is still chugging along for us at a slower and more lonely pace, but it is. We grow tired of the loneliness, we end up watching others laugh and others enjoying life and we go why can’t I. Finally after, realizing, all of this, we go I need to live, like mankind is supposed to do. I can still have fun if I try, I can still interact with others if I wish and even if I can’t find a new partner to replace who I lost, I can still carryon and try. Life is a roller coaster folks, it has it’s ups and downs and spin arounds built into it for each of us. The question is not will it happen this way, only at what stage it will happen in our lives.

I have seen people in my life die at young ages, I have seen some go in many ways. Some drug related, some suicidal, some from cancer and more. We all see it and pray it does not happen to someone we love, but it does, and we pray also it doesn’t hit us, and for some of us it does that too. Who knows for sure what the eternal peace of death brings, no one knows what is on the other side, do we?

I sometimes reflect on my own life and wonder how I got this far. I than think of me wandering through the woods as a little boy exploring nature and more. Then I stop to think of my parents who raised me and all they did to keep me alive. Did I repay them enough for all they did, I think I did. I spent my youth, taking care of my younger siblings, helping dad rebuild a house they bought for cheap. never complained just did. I felt it was my place, to be there for my family. Of course we all grow up and as I did I slowly moved on, and helped friends in life too. When the economy went bad, jobs dried up, I couldn’t jump from job to job anymore, I joined the military. First the US Army, then the Army National Guard and finally the US Navy. That lasted for me for 16 years, but it brought me injuries, and I still carried on. I was married twice, first time 12 years, the second 28 till my wife passed. Two daughters, four grandchildren, two step grandchildren two, yet satisfaction is hard to find. Your children move on and have their own lives, you lose the money and time to see them and life still progresses on.

Then one day after your spouse and lover is gone, you wake up and realize time has moved on. Your alone, staring at the world and going once again, how do I fit in? We can’t change how it happens, we are dealt it you see, it is all fate and destiny. Some make bad decisions, and take their own lives, some do drugs and get involved in vice. In desperation mankind will do anything to try to survive and fit in to a society that can be at times cruel and evil. Most avoid it, but there will always be some who fall into it all and never recover or come out of it. We can’t change people, even if we love them, demons can be hidden inside mankind we can not see.

Now I sit back at 68 and reflect on what I have lived thru, and some would be amazed if they knew. yet, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, of the human mind. So, I go on, and one each day, dealing with my own inner demons, emotions, feeling and thoughts, like many others around me do too. We just do and makeit work for ourselves and try to be kind to everyone else. It’s called life folks and dealing with it, we do so daily. So, I continue to waddle along, laughing, talking or even singing a song. Not everyone will like you, not everyone will want you around or near, but, you have every right just like them to be here. So we choose, who we talk to, we choose who we like, we make friends with some, and with others we fight. In the end as we go on, we come to realize, we don’t all look like a movie star and thats no surprise. we deal with who we are individually, and we gravitate to where we fit in eventually. That my friends is life in a cup or tea.

I hope so, wish me luck!


As we get older, we also, tend to get smarter about life and avoid the mistakes of our own past. We tend to stop before we leap and think first and go wait a second, been here, done this before an dnot doing it again. It happens in daily things we do, it happens in jobs we take on and relationships we have and so much more. The fact is, we all use our past experiences in life to make present day and ongoing decisions every moment we are awake. Just stop and think about it fora few moments and you shall know, what I am talking about.

We all of us can’t all be Einstiens, nor can we all be dumb, we all tend to be in the middle, some of us are polite, some of us are rude too. Some are kind, some are cruel and this is not sexist in anyway, it is just human. Humanity is not perfect in anyway, from looks to habits, to likes and dislikes, we all tend to adjust to what we like or don’t like. Some of us are stubborn and hard headed, some of us are kind and gulliable, some us laugh easy and some of us cry easy. Why we do so is based on what we have experienced and lived through in our own lives so to say. Some have had the easy life, things handed to us on a platter so to say, and other shave had to struggle through in all we do. We don’t have full control over life, it sometimes controls us. Fates, destinies, at times can not be changed and at othe rtimes we tend to realize something that touches us personally, or is unigue to us alone, and it changes how we react and what we do next. Thats the fascination of life, it’s unpredicability daily. Life is indeed a mystery to even me, and I be 68 years old now.

I have learned lately though that you can’t force anything, you can’t search too hard, and make things happen, and that you must take it as it comes to you. I tried hard many times to force things and be something I am not, and in the end learned, people see through anything that is phoney or acting. I also learned it doesn’t matter if you dress uppretty, or dye your hair, or try to fit in by beingl like all the rest, it only makes you look and feel like you don’t fit in. Just be you, and i guess that will always be what works best.

I have friends from my younger days I have known now for over 50 years. One female and one male, and each seem to have advise for me in my current situation and age and I have given each of them advise in our younger days. I recently thought outloud on a blog and Facebook post, how I thought I had grown old and wa slike one of the Old Men in that old Movie Grumpy Old Men. Well, my female friend from all those years ago told me I amnot that way, she knows it, and that I am not too old and done in life, and more than she is and she is my age too. So, that makes one think.

Male friend, wa sthe best man at my second marriage and I have known him since i was 14. We ran the streets of our old home rown together, we fished and camped and hiked together. I knew his wife and his children in his first marriage. So he knows me well as I know him. One day, many years ago I walked into his apartment to find him surrounded by letters hew as writing to numerous women, from a magazine. He wanted a date and to meet a new woman in his life after his divorce. I was going through similar circumstances at the time. I told him to stop writing letters, he was wasting money and time. He looked at me and asked what I meant. I said look, the only way your going to get anywhere in life is to be yourself, do the job you have, do what you love to do, and they will find you. Women want men who are happy, content and who do their own things. Well, he said ok, and then I took him to singles dances and showed him. We walked into one and I just did my thing, ignoring all the ladies and being myself and he followed. Within 10 minutes two women walked upto us and started talking to us and neither of us had said a word. All I did was carry myself with pride and decently and smile. It wasn’t the look, it was the attitude and the confidence I explained to him later. Now, I met my second wife at those dances, and it went 28 years for us, untill she passed from cancer. For him the dances didn’t work, but the advise did when I tiold him to be himself and they will find him, he and his wife have now been married for 30 years now. All he did was go to work and be himself, thats all he had to do really.

Au Naturale, does not mean naked folks alone, it means authenicate, real, being you ! Don’t ever try to be something you are not, don’t try to act like all the rest, it is being comfortable with who you are and accepting yourself first, thats make sit easy for someone else to accept you. I have given up trying to hunt and peck through Dating sites, and web sites now and I have given up looking forfemale companionship, because I learned I can’t keep crying ove rit, nor can I force it, I just have to be me and enjoy life, even as a single man again anda widower. I can’t replace the one I lost and I shouldn’t compare anyone to her, just be me and accept others fro who they are too. It isa two way street, but, forcing anything doesn’t work.

So, I walk, I go out and eat on my own, I may stop in a bar or tavern, and do a movie alone. Doesn’t matter anymore what I do, I may fish, or bowl or play pool, I may just go for a ride. But, I am no longer gonna be playing the searching games, the hoping game, the wishing game of looking. It doesn’t work, the more your push or search or try the less you find it seems to me. So, I shall do what I advised my friend many years ago to do, do me, have fun and just carry on and let nature take it’s course. Thats what life is all about, I believe, and just use my own experiences and feelings and thoughts to make my own decisions as I go along in life. Pretty simple right, I hope so, wish me luck!

Aging,Processes!


 Lets talk about aging, we all do it of course until we don’t, lol ! Now as we age, we tend to get smarter, and know more, but, we also, tend to either lose the physical abilities due to age and injuries, or the mental abilities due to age or disease, or some of us lose the emotional abilities we were born with, and get old and cold so to say. It is funny how it happens without us actually realizing it, but it does.

 As We age we get set in our ways and thoughts and beliefs and refuse to open up to other ideas. We learn what works for us and we stick with it, all. And that in and of itself, makes life a little easier for us as we age. Our bodies get weaker, unless we are exercise freaks and do it daily. And our minds get weaker because we are less depended on and more isolated, because of the age we reached. We get discarded in a way, for the newer generations that are behind us and when they catch up, they get the same treatment and don’t realize it is coming at them, anymore than we did at their age. It is a cycle of life we all must live through. It’s natural true, but not pleasant if you get my drift.

 When we reach a certain age, doesn’t matter which sex we be, we are set in our ways and we frown on those who are different for sure. Ever find yourself wishing you were younger or able to be more active, physically or sexually, or emotionally, and then going wow I remember that stuff? I know I do !

 I may be 68, but I am not dead yet, I still can move, I still can interact and I still can feel emotion and care, and attraction and fears. It’s just that, as we age we are more careful, we have seen and heard and done so much, we know where to avoid, dodge, run and duck so to say. Experience counts in life folks, whether it’s in games, sports, love or just laughs. We tend to know and feel what is right for ourselves and avoid those and things that aren’t, don’t we? Just because we learn, doesn’t mean we are dead and don’t want to be noticed, loved or held, or are not sexual in actions or thoughts. It just means we are not as easy and free caring as we were in our youth so to say. I hope some agree, but even if you don’t, remember we are all human we all feel and we all can be hurt ! We don’t enjoy being put down or ignored for being older either, we just want to be excepted and be included is all, we get lonely too.

 I have heard many say they like their lonely periods, they can think better, they can relax better, alone. We all get to that point in life, believe me folks. But, excessive isolation, causes problems with the human soul, and mind and being. Thats why, we always seek out things to do, places to go so we are never truley alone ? Evne the elderly, tend to end up together in Senior Centers, Concerts, resturants and more. Even if we don’t know one another personally we find the gathering and make it work somehow so we fit in, we adapt to whats there, don’t we? The human ability to adapt, is amazing really, and it works for all of us. Thank God for that at least right?

 We can’t all be rich and well to do as we age, some of us don’t reach the independent platuea so to say, We depend on our children to care for us, or end up in nursing homes or convalesent homes. Sadly, as our lives wind down, our relatives and families carry on their lives, and place us in such situations and we end up with no choice, we need to be cared for. Time stops for no one thats for sure, it’s amazing how it just keeps marching on. Yes, it’s true, The only one who messes with Father Time is Mother Nature folks, and they have one hell of a lengthy and long affair. We just live through it and watch it go by daily and happen. We benefit from it weather wise, but the constant is that time moves forward and we cycle down with age. We can’t avoid it, there is no miricle fountain of youth or elixer folks, we all face the passing of time and older age. If we survive and avoid all the pratt falls, mistakes and accidents along the way and of course we are fortunite enough to keep our sanity too. So many pratt falls and dangers in life, physically and mentally exist. I have seen then up close and personal, cancer, suicides, fires, guns, violence, accidental deaths on the roads or at events. So many things take people out, we are not super human and invinceable folks, no supermen or superwomen exist on this planet. I wish sometimes I were super, and I bet you do too, but, in the end, we must face old age and the fact we are human.

  If your lucky in life, you have at least two loves, you have had at least two special relationships, and you enjoy being with others. If your lucky you get your fair share of hapiness and love and material things you need. But, some just aren’t that lucky and they get by with less and are happy still. Remember as you age, and head down the ending slope, that it’s the interactions and the people you had them with, that makes you happy that counts, as long as they were happy too. It’s nice to be a single person, who had it all, but it all falls away if you have no one as you age. Believe me I know, I am a widower and have been now for 3 years almost, you fear involvement, you don’t want to compare someone to the one you lost or hurt them, you fear rejection, you fear the fact your aging and don’t look as good as you used to, your wrinkles show, your hair falls out, the jolt and jumps in your steps stop, and you slow to a walk then to a crawl before you fall. Gravity gets ya, anger can eat you up, inside, depression comes on and you realize at some point you have to cast it all aside and drive toward your own finish line at your own rate. It’s just a fact of humanity that we all must face, don’t we? Doesn’t matter if we are the president, or a peasant on the street, it is a fate and destiny that we all do meet, it’s called death.

 So, yes aging, is a process we all face, knowing and learning we are limited in life’s length, is just a fact we all must face. So we prepare, we save money, we buy insurance,and plots to rest. we try to make sure, we are not a burden on anyone as we age, nor do we want to impose on anyone or interfear in their lives either. So, we learn to live alone again, once we lose the one we loved. If we get divorced or our partner passes, most of us, do not rush into a new relationship for many reasons. We don’t want to compare others to the one we lost, we don’t want to be hurt emotionally, or financially, physically or mentally either. We are cautious, we are slow, to engage or open up. For once we do, we are taking a chance someone will hurt or damage or take from us, and we can’t replace or repair it. It is like a cautionary tale, in an old book or movie, me I am like one of those Grumpy Old Men from that old movie, that starred Jack Lemon and Walter Matheau lol. I putter along, I notice things, I carry on, with what brings, But, I watch from afar, and I don’t get involved, and no one notices me you see, for that is how it should be. And I am not stupid enough to think anyone would care either, all are too busy living and doing their own things. Life goes on.

  I used to think we are like the ants beneath our feet, We scurry all over the world, collecting food and what we need to survive. And below us the ants do the same. We do not know what our purpse here is anymore than they do beneath us. They have their drives and motivations and processes and we have ours. It is indeed a endless cycle of life is it not folks, you tell me !

 

 

Fates and destiny.


 Good Morning to all, who may read this, it is Friday 9 Feb. 2024. Right now it is 5;40 am and I got out of bed ten minutes ago. Mornings for me are slow and silent for I live alone, since my wife passed in August of 2021. I will say this, it takes time to adjust to being alone again after spending 28 years in a relationship. My wife, whom I miss dearly, was 16 years my senior, and many will say, how did I end up with her. For me it was after a divorce from my first wife. That divorce, made me rethink life and how cruel it can be to anyone, of either sex. Relationships are good for your health both mentally and physically actually, and keep you emotionally balanced also at times. But, when they go astray, or end, it hurts you mentally and emotionally for sure. All takes time to pull yourself back together as a person and to reassembly emotionally and mentally, I know I have lived it now, twice as far as marriage goes. The seperation, the losses can accumulate fiancially, and emotional and you tend to live on the cheap and avoid any involvement.

 I can’t say it is good or bad, that all depends on each case and the cause of it all, and how each individual really handles it. Even the best people whether male or female, who bounce back fast, realize once they do, just how hurtful they may be these divorces, or losing a lifetime partner to disease. In my case I have gone through both of the above. The hardest thing is realizing, you are not to blame in reality, but you still have suffered the losses.

We tend to pick ourselves up and move on, out of pure need and natural desires. There is the need for companionship, there is the need for physical affection and sex, there is the need in wanting to belong and caring for someone else. Some people avoid all of the above the rest of their lives and they become like me, an elder, who is ok with being a single and fear any involvement, so, we stay home alone and hide. Fears and anxieties run us basically, we fear being dumped or discarded, we fear involvement or attachment, and in today’s america, it makes us stand out.

  Once we rationalize and realize it is cheaper alone, and start doing things on our own, we begin to understand, we can do it. It isn’t neccessarily what we really want, but, we begin to accept it all. Isolating ourselves from all around us, is not being off-standish, or, being a loner or drifter, it’s self-preservation really. We do so, because we fear getting involved once more. My first marriage went 12 years ending in divorce. it took me two years before I even ventured out on my own. My Second marriage went a total of 28 years with the same woman I loved dearly, who passed from cancer. I think of her daily, miss her dearly and basically stay alone. My fears are not the same as many maybe but they exist. I fear the emotional commitment it would take to get involved again, I fear being discarded or ignored or being used by someone. I fear doing comparrisons to my deceased wife and hurting a woman, emotionally due to it. Then you add in age, I am 68, loss of looks and hair, illnesses, and you can inderstand it, if you listen. I never was Mr. Handsome, or Mr. romantic, or a giggilo, or anything along those lines. I do not have talents of singing or playing music, nor am I a physical sportsman type. So, being your average, 68 year old man with physical limitations due to disability, I basically putter along. It doesn’t mean, I do not have wants, desires and needs, it does mean, I know my own limits and difficulties in life. I have never and shall never, impose or burden another person, I do not force myself on anyone either, so, as I see it, if I feel I am not accepted, I move on. I do not force myself in groups or events, I am not invited to and usually I avoid crowds.

 It;s now been since August of 2021 I am alone in the world. I have slowly adapted to that status and accept it. Doesn’t mean I like it or enjoy it, just means you accept what life has dealt you. With age, comes medical conditions and you learn to deal with that as you can of course. In my case time shall tell what is next for me. I have lost my grandfathers to cancer, my step-father to cancer, and my mother too, and my second wife. As I was carrying for my second wife in her 16 year struggle with cancer I myself had it too, I suffered lung cancer in 2013, and lost a lobe and one third of my right lung to it. Yet I still survive today, why, I am still trying to figure out. I remember my second wife telling me I would be ok to my face, and behind my back to my sister, she said I would probally not make it. But I did, why, I do not know, yet here I be and she is gone from me. All, I have is sadness and I live through it daily the best I can and make the best I can of my life. If you lose someone, you would understand, your here, they are gone and the best you can do is carry on. Because you do not control your own fate or destiny, that belongs to someone or something of a greater power than you or me.

 I have seen people and watched people and heard of people who have taken their own lives. Depression, illness, both mentally and physically can lead to emotional breakdowns and suicides. So, I tell many the best thing you can do is stay busy, walk, find hobbies, write like me, read, try to keep busy. For when you stop, is when you are in the most danger,from depression. A busy mind and heart will keep ticking, I am not saying it is easy to do, for I know it is not. I also know the alternative is not a choice I accept at this point, so I try to push forward and hope for the best each day. Yet I also know, my own cancer can come back, and take me too. If it does, I know I have lived a pretty full life, in my own way.

  I have had a life filled with physical pain, mental pain, and emotional pain too. I have overcome and carried on through it all. I spent my childhood trying to fit in, I spent years helping my family I grew up in, even though my mother tried to cast me away. I spent my teen and formative years taking care of my younger siblings. Then I spent my 20’a and into my 30’s serving my country in three branches of service. I married and divoced and had two of everything you can think of while in service. I think I did ok, for a kid who didn’t graduate high school. I got a GED. I went on from service and divorce and having rwo children to a lonely three year period. Then I found my second wife and returned to college thanks to the Veterans administration. I got an associates degree at 40 years old folks, became a member of Honor Societies also. Won, Honors in college and an Award. Yes I did ok.

 I was a factory worker,a serviveman, did military service and more. I taught people to draw when I was younger and learn to write. I have short stories and poems I wrote online and of course my blogs I do here. Someone asked me what kind of a leagacy I may leave behind when I go, my writtings may be that, for sure. I was a father, a husband, and a friend to some. I still have two friends I met when I was 14 to this day. Life is a mystery, but, if you work at it, it can be worth the suffering, and you may enjoy it too. Always remember, we know not why we are put upon this earth or what our purpose is, but, I firmly believe, we are here for a mission or purpose we do not understand, or know of, but when we complete that unknown mission, we are recalled to where from whence we came. We just do not know, when or what that mission may be. But, it is the only logical conclusion, for me. So, I write my blogs and do my things daily that I can, it’s all part of life, as we who live it, can be, we go on to our fates and destiny.

Just a fact all!


 Feb. 5th, 2024, has begun and the sun is out for a change, but the cold continues on. The weather is normal for this time of year actually, if you live in New England, of USA.

  Now at 68 years old, I wonder what can be ahead of me, or next in my life. I have been pretty lucky so far, I can honestly say. But, what it leads to or how my life goes from here on in, is hard to know. I never expected many things in my life, so, I am lucky to survive many things. Yet, I also know, whatever is next for me, I must confront and work thru and make it work in a positive manner for me. For as I know, I don’t need bador megative things nea ror around me. Best to skip the drama and crazy interactions that can occur if you fall for them. Use past experience to steer around it all is what I say.

 Now, I sometimes wonder how we got where we are these days, concerning interactions and communications in life. Today everything is a e-mail. or text or online like chat programs. The fact that face to face meetings do not happen much is no surprise. Most meetings or even dates these days between sexes, happen online in one way or another. The wall ofprotection it provides is pretty good, but, it also stops actually in person contacts. Seems that online dating sites are what people are doing these days. Create a profile, fill it in, and then search fora match. Pretty informal, and sad if you ask me. But it is the growing fad these days. The sad part is that people are doing so over the internet, and real life meetings are just a tease in reality, people have fears, and anxieties and I don’t blame them. For fears can go from the point of crazies online who are killers, to fears and anxieties, of what can happen, even is people do meet in a public place. Then we run into the loneliness syndrome, in America and the world in general. I saw a sign online one day that says it all to me, it read; Start doing meetings with people the old fashioned way, in person and actually talking, face to face, it works better. You know, go out, and havea drink in a bar and talk to people. Yet, when you do it, you willnotice as I did, few peopleactually talk toa single man or woman in aclub, bar / tavern. Why, because, if your new to that bar, or tavern/ club, it takes numerous times being there for peopleto even talk to you, they stay with those they know and avaoid the new. So, it becomes a circle really, you jump in an dgive it a try and it doesn’t work, so the loneliness syndrome continues on. You can’t break the syndrome in today’s society, why, again,it is fear, anxietires thayt raises itself each time you make or take a chance. Self-preservation comes into effect, and we steer clear of strangers, and the cycle goes on. The cynical reactions and views, come into play and people, avoid taking chances these days. Why, because many want money, many fear being hurt, and many live out their anxieties, and determine it’s easier to saty alone. Sad I knowbut true in today’s world, in Ameica.

 I personally, have surrendeed and given up at my age of 68. While Senior Centers are nice if your into them, it is not a great way to find apartner in crime so to say. Bars and taverns are not made for the elderly, they are made for the younger crowds, in their 20’s to 50’s. But, olde rpeoplelike myself have no place to go, to meet anyone. So it is an endless cycle, with no end in sight. So, dating in your 50’s and up gets tougher as you age, and many turn to internet dating sites, like Zoosk, Match and Plentyof Fish and others. I can tell you, they cost money to even use, nothing is free. Then there is no proof or guarantee that you will find anyone to even date or meet. Many fake profiles, lot sofl ying, old pics and dead profiles on these sites also. It’s acually a sad state of affairs for most. Dating sites are ok if you have money and want to give to them for helping you, but they suck your money out of you. They are not, free nothing in life is, is it?

 Well as the day gets going here, I wonder what it can bring for each of us. I don’t know and neither do you ! Surprises pop up, we run into blockades and keep going. We tend to work around them and carry on. Unless, your like me, alone, and afraid to go out and do anything, why, well at 68 noone wants an eldery person slowly them down or hindering them, or becoming a burden or imposing upon them and their lives. So, many like myself, don’t want pity, we don’t want to be a burden or impose and we have our own pride, so we stay alone. Life does indeed slow down as we age. The energy you had in younger ages, has been used up and you coast to your ending, as you go forward alone. It is funny how it isa cycle that goes from being born alone, being alone when you start and then finding so many years later, that you will more than likely go out as you came into the world alone. Thats where it is in life folks. The downhill ride begins, and you just go along, for you have no choice. Just a fact all!

 

 

The Westborough Dilemia for me!


 Hello January 4th 2023. As usual my morninga nd day started at 6 am, always up early it seems, must be aleftover from my service days. Ha dmy two coffees and took my meds, now I chat some and try to decide what to do for my day and with it.

  Each day is a new beggining and away we go 2024. Now the question is how to make it better for me, each day as i go. Finding new things to do or go or to meet people can be rough on someone my age, I am 67 soon to be 68. At some point I have to get out more and meet new people, but where and how I have yet to figure out here in Westboro, Mass.

 Westborough, Mass. is a quaint town, and a quiet one for sure. While I appreciate the fact it has so many banks and bars, and lots of money in it, it, still lacks places for people my age to have fun and meet others. The Senior Center is ok, but, slow always, many avoid it I believe unless i am stopping there on the wrong days or something, lol.

  I went to BJ’s in Northboro, to get a membership one day, and ended up flirting with two ladies there lol. Of course nothing happened except smiles and laughs but at least it was fun. I looked around a bit in there, big place lots there, so I will probally go back if for nothing else except gas or frozen food.

 I go to Solomon Mall to walk a lot, which is fun just to watch people go by and get some exercise, especially now in the winter months. I may walk it two or three times a week. I window shop and may stopandhave lunch in the food court there. Of course finding a woman to talk to or get to know there is a case that is slim to none, there days. The malls are not packed and most women stay to themselves anyway, they, are scared of talking to people they don’t know. So, I basically watch the crowds and people go by and stay by myself. I have learned, the women of Massachuestts are very careful and are scared or have anxieties and fears regarding men. Why, I do not know, but, there seems to me, that the women here, are putoffish and stuck-up, or something.

 I shall do my thing as normal of course iwalk here in my condo complex of the mall. I shop at SHop and Stop, and Walmart and Target. I used to bowl but, again that died out due to lack of interest of those in my complex. Then I play billards once a week on monday evenings, for fun and chat to people there and laugh and joke. reading I do, puzzle building I do and of course watching tv and such at home. Every now and then if I see a movie I really want to see I may go to a theather, to see it. I am not rich, so, I don’t try to spend a lot.

  So at times I feel like one of the characters in that old movie, Grumpy Old Men lol. Which one I am I don’t know for sure, there was Jack Lemon and Walter Matheu lol. Same old routine daily, putter around, say hello to folks ya know and just carry on. I can wish it was different for me, but, I can’t make it so, so far. I moved here in 2022, and I am lost and have no idea what to do or where to go for fun.

 Dating apps as I said before cost too much and again what I find is the women there don’t want a partner or boyfriend or man in their lives, except as a wallet for their wishes. Men get taken on those apps, the cost of the app, the paying of dinners for the women and it seems to me, the women have their own fears and anxieties there too, so they are always guarded and withdrawn or scared. Society it seems is now all digital , one on ones people fear and that goes for both sexes. Sadly, the loneliness syndrome is real in America, and the reasons are just what I am talking about. How to change it, is still a question that is ongoing, now-a-days.

 The News is never good from politics to crimes, very few good reports on anything anymore. Americans are growing tired of it all, and in the end, they ignore and do their own thing and wala, weend upwith the Trump fiasco, and a mess. Is there a way out of it all, we shall see as we enter the election year of 2024. I do know this, if Trump is found to be immune whilePresident and can’t be prosecuted or charged as he is now, then I pray for the fate of America, for that will mean all President’s can do what they please while in office without any consequences at all. Imagine then, what President’s could get away with while in office. I won’t take sides here, but my opinion is well known, in my blogs.

 I did the tour of the bars in the area, Neighborhood Tavern, Red Heat Tavern, JP’s and Central House. All have decent food and drink, and thats all I know of them really. Not a big drinker or a regular at any of them. They added the new Brewery Cold Harbor in town too, I hear it was great when it started but went downhill fast, due to lack of service, not enough employees I believe, only went and looked around once an dleft havent been back there yet.

 Anyway, 2024 has begun, I am gonna try to stay positive, hopefull and keep smiling as I go along and hope is all. 2024 has to be better than 2023, for all of us. Keep smiling, keep laughing and I will try to enjoy life as I do. Good Day to All!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Thoughts,On The Holiday Season !


The last Christmas, I had with my wife, I took her to her daughters and sat in the background as she talked, and chatted with her ex-husband’s widow and her own daughter and her grandkids. I sat in the livingroom on the couch, and played video games on my cell phone is all. The same took place when we went to her sister’s across the state from where we lived in Connecticut, for the 28 years I was with her. On Christmas Eve I would go to my sisters and exchange presents with her and her man. Watch a movie and pack it in and go home. So Holidays to me, never were fun and never will be, but, since she passed in 2021, I find it hard to celebrate at all.

 It has now been 28 months since she passed from cancer and I hospiced her. I worked overtime, selling all I owned when she passed, and sold the home we had also. I moved north to Massachusetts, and bought a condo up here. I thought it wasa good iswa because i would be closer to my sister. Yet, that changed fast, once she found a new man in her life and moved away. I have been alone now for a pretty good amount of time, no one to really talk to, or be with, just me. I play billards oncea week with some people here at the condos I live in on Monday evenings. Other than that, I am alone, and walk, or read, build puzzles and watch television or movies as I go. I walk a mall near me some days, just to get out of my condo for a while. I shop for food as needed and go to doctors or dentists is all, otherwise. Meeting someone is not apossibility for me, as far as romance goes, because i do not like bars or taverns, so I stay home. At 67 going on 68 I have no plans to join a gym either. So at times, I wonder what I can do, to keep going, day, by day. As I see it, I would go stir crazy if it were not for the NFL, NBA, on tv, or the Billards Club on Monday evenings once a week.

 I don’t do resturants on my own, some people do, but, alone is uncomfortable for me. I tried doing breakfast alone this past week and ended up eating, alone and basically coming home. I find the people in Westborough, Mass here, very cold toward people my age. Ageism in modern america is a large factor, but, it seems even more so here. I am not sure, anyway, if I am able to handle it, if i did meet someone. I shy away and avoid talking to most, I am very aware of my age, and know most women are married and taken, in my age group. Finding a woman in my age range is impossible here in Westborough, Mass. all are younger or married it seems, or I have no idea where to find any to meet and talk to. I am lost in attempting it. When you were married for 28 years, you get set in your ways, and the whole dating scene has changed to, dating sites anyway. It’s a different world out there for sure. Dating sites cost money and most don’t work anyway, women are scarred in todays society and personally, I am too.

 So my Christmas will be one alone, at home, reading, watching tv, walking, building a puzzle and playing either video games or writing blogs like this one. New Year’s wil be the same too, there are going to be events at the clubhouse here where i live in my condos, but I do not attend them, for I feel out of place and strange when I do. It’s very uncomfortable for me, so I stay home alone. I am very aware of my age, my lack of looks and that many don’t like me here. So, I am better off alone. Whether i can keep going alone is the only question I face, and for how long I can last. There are times when I get depressed feel alone, and down, and think about what to do, I have even thought of ending it and joining my wife. Yet at the moments and times those thoughts hit me, I seem to be able to pass through it and survive. I know I am facing the hardest part of the year for me, right now, these Holidays. The hardest time is now upon me the final days of 2023 and New Years Day. I have to mak eit through alone now, and it will bea struggle. I will keep day by day, thinking one thing, survive.

 

 

Just thoughts of mine, Today !


 Sunday December 17th, 2023, began fro me at 4:30 am. Sleep is not something that seems to be in store for me. I sleep about 4 and a half to 6 hours a night is it. It is hard to sleep, when you really don’t do much, to get tired or you lay down and watch tv and fall asleep during the day. If i want to sleep or catch up on sleep, I have to walk or find other things to do, during the day, and force myself to stay awake. I know insominia is bad for people, and it brings us closer to death when it does happen, for along period of time. Just a medical fact.

 I find myself, not finding the energy or interest to do much anymore. I walk is all and watch television a lot, read a little and keep to myself. Before my wife passed in August 2021, I had someone to interact with, someone to care for, and someone to do for, now all I have is me. A 596 square foot condo, is just a cage to hide in these days, and, nothing more. It provides for a roof over my head, a place to cook when I want to, a place to watch tv, do laundry and shower is all. Cleaning it now and then as needed, because all that is here is me, is not much really. I do the necessities of course, but, overall, it is boring.

 As we age, we come to realize we get set in our ways, and we do not like changing much. We get set in patterns and in my case, it is honestly true. I have basically gave up, trying to reach out, or go out alone, it is boring, people don’t deal with the elderly well and the older you get they shun you. I wish, I was more of an extrovert than I am, because at least then I could talk to others easier. I was never a social butterfly, or someone who meets others easily. I think extroverts are lucky, and they do better than I ever will socially. I stay to myself, out of fear, anxieties, and the inability to interact can kill. Some people can handle the alone time and like it, yet even they ultimately find a way to interact with others, I don’t. I stay alone, and it will probaly get to me sooner than later. Never have been a ladies man either, I can count the women I have been with at 67 going on 68 years old, on one hand. Yet, I have had two marriages, two children, don’t ask me how.

 I grow older, I grow more isolated daily, coming out only for certain purposes. I come out to walk, or to go to doctors or dentists, or to shop as needed. I am not a church goer, I don’t drink, so bars are no good for me. I bowled for a while but than that died out due to my back injuries, I play pool once a week is all. I read as I can when I can, I play X-Box now and then and even that I stopped out of boredom. I sit and stare at a TV Screen daily, watching repeats or movies, but, mostly sports, The NFL and NBA keep me going really. News is boring, sad and depressing these days, wars here and there, hostages taken, people killed in wars is all you hear about, nothing positive really. Being 67, soon to be 68 is no fun, and I doubt if there will ever be anymore fun in life for me. Existing is not living, if you have no interaction with others, you have no real life. It’s just a fact is all.

 To answer the questions some will ask, like, you sound suicidial at times are you ok? The truth is no, but I push on, puttering through the normal everyday, things we all do. Some will ask, Doctors I am sure, have I ever though of committing suicide, yes, many times. What stops me, is only the fear of what is on the other side, while at other times, the draw to go, is my wife has proceeeded me and I miss her dearly and wish she was here, with me again. The American society as I see it, is not kind to it’s elderly and senior citizens and when you lose a long time spouse you loved dearly, there is a draw to want to join the, out of pure depressiona nd loneliness, period.

 Many have said, I should get up go do things, go to bars, go to shows,concerts, games anything to keep busy, but I don’t. I can’t find the motovation to do such things and i do not have a drive for them. I avoid people and crowds, I lack social skills others my age and older have. I look at myself and see a old, coot of a man, not pretty to look at, and getting older by the day. I really do resemble one of those Grumpy Old Men from that old movie, that starred Jack Lemon and Walter Matheu. I putter day by day, alone, and I ask no one for help and never will, I will never impose on anyone, nor will I ever be a burden to anyone, I refuse to do that. As I age, slowly I have come to accept the fact that, my time shall come soon enough. I don’t really fear death, why, because I know it is a natural occurrence that we all face. It’s just a matter of how soon and under what circumstance I go. I just want to go peaceful is all, I don’t want to feel it.

 I believe honestly, I did the right things in my life, as I lived it. I helped my parents, my siblings, my friends, and did the best I could. I served my country for 16 years also. I have had a life that is decent I believe, yet, in the end, far from perfect. I have made my mistakes as any man or woman has. Some choices were wrong, others were right, it is a natural occurrence when you live a life. We learn as we go, is what I say, and we always use our experiences of the past to adjust in the present and look ahead to the future. It’s called life folks we all go through it.

 I have always and will always have a firm belief, that, we are born and brought into theworld fora purpose and that purpose is the mission or missions we were sent here to complete, that we really do not know. Yet when we finally complete the mission we are sent here for, we get recalled to the place from whence we came. Some of us head to heaven, some of us to hell and the way I see it, the earth welive on is actually, our in between or purgatory, we must live through. But, I will say this, each of us have our own beliefs on this subject for sure. I would never doubt what your belief may be or how you feel about it, I only know how I feel and what my thoughts are on it.

  I know, when I go, I did all I could to help others in my own way. And my legacy will be my blogs, my stories and my poems, my daughters, my grandchildren will be fine. I just hope when I pass, no one will cry over me, and that I never adversly affect anyone’s life, while I live.