December 12th, 2023, Good Morning to all, it is still dark out here at 6:15 am. I awoke at 5:30 am, and facea new day once more. It is December, and getting closer to Christmas and the New Year is fast approaching also. Every year I do not worry about the Holidays anymore, no one to celebrate them with so i end up either walking, reading or building a puzzle alone. Don’t get me wrong, because some may think I am complaining or crying because I am alone, I really do not, do so. I have always been able to handle the loneliness, ok. I would never push, or impose,or burden anyone with my presence, plus it’s cheaper, not to have to buy for others.

As we head to the end of 2023 and the beggining of 2024. it has now been 28 months, since my wife passed from her breast cancer. I miss her kowledge, I miss her companionship, I miss her laughter and her touch. I shall always miss her, I know it seems like I am constantly grieving her, but, I am not so much grieving her anymore as to just outright missing her. When you are married to the same person for 28 years and they pass, you find yourself doing what I do, looking for things to do, and hoping you just can make new friends, get lucky one more time, so you don’t die alone.Yet, you know you meet someone, you have to guard against being taken for money, or belongings or being ripped off, or used or abused because you are now elderly. Then, because your elderly, the odds of finding someone to enjoy the end of life with, in your age range is lessened, due to the same concerns and ageism itself in today’s society. It’ a catch 22 situation in many ways.

As Time goes on for me, I find myself tired of looking, and tired of worrying about finding someone to share what life I have with left. I have tired dating sites like, Zoosk, Match, and others, ,all they do is eat your money, and produce no results in meeting anyone decent. Most on these date sites, are not looking for straight companionship, they want money is all. Someone to buy them a lunch or dinner,or a drink at a club or tavern and someone who’s walllet they can pick at, to help them survive. While paying for a drink is ok, if your talking to her and she is interested, and real is fine,many women, think you owe them or have to pay them, to be with you. Paying for sex never happens with me, and I don’t care who the woman is, if it doesn’t happen naturally, it tain’t going there. Accepting I have had a decent life so far is where I am at today. I have had 2 marriages, two children, 2 daughters, numerous homes and been basically, healthy, so I am lucky. Like everyone else, of course, health issues do come up and I fight them off and carry on.

I have written short stories and poems and numerous blogs in my time. I have commmented on life, relationships and politics also. I have walked many miles in my shoes and been around the world in The Navy, served in The Army, National Guard and the Navy. Seen places few will ever see, and I must admit, people are people no matter where they be, what language they speak matters not. We all want the same things, the necessities, the place to live in peace, food and in the end love and sex. It is a world wide fact for all of it. We all want to be safe, be healthy, be allowed to just be ourselves, and to do so with someone we love or care for, and who does the same for us. Life is more than sex, life is more than existing, it is living and enjoying, so do it folks.

I will say this to anyone out there, if you have a wife, a husband and have been married for a while, you do not want to just toss it, without reason, just because your sex drive tells you too. We all become set in our ways when married, we do things, the way we do them, due to patterns, and what we get used to and are comfortable about. Unless something drastic changes and forces you to move on, hang in there and make compromises if you must. In the long run you are set and starting over is a bitch, just ask someone like me. I had my first marriage and that ended in divorce, and had to relaunch myself and start over. Then, I found my second wife, and it went 28 years and she passed from cancer and I honestly can sayI was lucky as hell to have her. But, facing a restart at my age in my mid 60’s is rough. the world changes a lot in 28 years, and the dating world is not the same anymore.

There are no single’s dances for people 60 and up, there is no walking up to a woman in her 60’s and asking her out easily with confidence. As we age we lose some of our confidence, looks and even skills. I am definitely in a disadvantage in my mind and thoughts. I have no idea where to find a woman in my age range, how to tell if they are single and want to mingle, and I fear approaching anyone who is taken or married. The thing with me is simple, I may admire a woman, I may even be attracted to her, but at my age, I fear approaching and the anxieties of age kick in, so I end up alone always. Internet dating sites seem to be the way people go these days, and I find it impersonal, cold, and chancey to do. Like I said earlier, I tried it a few times, and basically said, enough.

Will there ever be another woman in my life I have large doubts on that one. I am older, uglier, and set in my ways these days. I am basically like either Jack Lemon or Walter Matheu in that old movie Grumpy Old Men, puttering along, doing what I can alone and not bothering anyone. I say hello to many, I smile and laugh in public, and then head home to put my feet up, watch tv, and go to bed on time. Each day is basically the same, and I only change when I need to do three things,one a doctor, two a dentist, three to go shopping lol. Other wise I putter and walk and hide in my 596 square foot condo, I call my cage, in a 55 plus neighborhood. I watch people go to and fro, and that is how my life does go.

I used to cook for my wife and I and family on holidays, but, I am alone these days, so it is quick, micro-wave food, pizza and sandwiches for me. No reason to cook, really, no one to share it with ,if, I do. This way it is not leftovers everyday at least. I clean my own condo, I do my own laundry and I putter through is all. What most of us do as we age and we don’t realize it is, we reach a point where the reason for being on earth, disappears. Without someone to share life and it’s liberties with, our motivation tends to disappear and we wind down. Thats why, I say if you have someone, you love or are married to or in a decent relationship with, don’t give it up, it helps to keep you alive. Once it does end, you really don’t want to have to start over again, too many things to get used to and changes to live through. Stay with what ya got and who ya got folks, the dating world is not easy or fun anymore, it is electronic, internet,computers and phones now and basically sucks. The world says it is better for all, what they don’t know is it isn’t, people skills are dying, anyone can type, or talk on a device, but few can handle face to face anymore, thats for sure. We don’t tend to talk to one another, or anyone in person, or look into each others eyes, we don’t tend to hug or touch either. We are now, very distant from one one another and we don’t realize it. But, that is the way, the world has gone now and accepting it is all we can do. So, I putter along, mind my own, do what I must do to survive and have basically, said this is how it must be, for someone like me. I never learned to flirt in my younger days, I was always too busy running is what I say. I didn’t really chase the girls, yet, I ended up married twice in this world. I will never understand why, but, somehow, thats how it went, destiny, fate, maybe, I shall never know. Yet I age and that is so, I putter on, and I guess I shall always you see, for all I can be, is me.