Today my wife is gone 7 days. In someways I miss her deeply and always will, her laughter, her talking, her interactions. Then I stop to think of what she went through, with her cancer that took her life and find myself, thinking, how much pain she is no longer suffering through. The best thought I get when I think of her one week later now, is that she is now at peace with no pain, and she has moved onto, a better place.
I am trying to deal with the loss of my wife daily by doing busy work, like unpacking boxes, figuring out what to save or tag sale or sell. I do hours at a clip unpacking these boxes just in the garage right now. Shelves of old boxed from 21 years ago when we moved into our home.
Then I watch television and movies or play x-box by myself with a friend online. I try to get out side some and had to go buy a suit for the funeral and graveside cermony. It all happens on Friday coming up, and won’t be easy on me or her daughter either, I know it. I think the process is such, so that at some point we reach an end and accept what has happened and cry it all out. It is like a natural process, for those who lose who they love and we choose to remember the good times, never the bad. And that can actually bring a smile to one’s face at times. For in everyone’s life, there are times of laughter, of joy, of giving and of loving and it is best to remember them, that way.
As time marches forward, I find myself making mental adjustments to handle it all. You tend to cry a lot first, everytime you remember them. Then after a while the teardrops come but not as much, for you run out of tears actually and find yourself thinking of them being in a better place now. Then you find yourself doing busy work to distract yourself, to stop the memories or the painful feelings of loss. Your force yourself to do things you know need done, and then whenyou get bored or lost and know not what to do anymore you choose to either find more to do or sleep as you can.
I know there is no simple solution to the loss of a loved one. There can never be for each of us handles that loss differently, some run from it, some face it, some try to avoid it and some of us know we must face it and go through it to survive. The process as I say is difficult, it can be longer for some and shorter for others. In the end though, it will end and at some point I must move forward and find a way to live on my own again.
I have begun searching foran apartment for myself, a one bedroom but none are currently available around me as of now. I am hoping to find a decent one rent controlled for a 65 year old disabled veteran. Until I do I may have to stay in this home and clean it out as I go. I may use the apartment we built in the basement, for just me for a while, time will tell.
I have contacted a real estate agent to help find a place to move to in the area and to help price the house also. Time will tell where an opening will come up for me to go to, I hope sooner than later. It will be easier if sooner, for I can move to the apartment and come back to finish emptying the house. That would be best for me.
I know I will have to deal with Probate Court and Estate taxes/ Death Taxes also. So I have contacted the lawyer who did our Living Trust and will meet with them soon enough, after the burial itself. It is a step in the right direction, out from under the process of death to the daylight again, I hope.
Each step in this process when some one dies is rough, it is slow and takes time it seems. what more one can do I do not know for sure.