I was thinking this am, about how if one dies, people tend to go into misery mode and grieve over them for a period of time, and I was wondering how one could tell them not to, if you’re the one that died? Then what came to mind if the old Will and Testament we all tend to make out before we die. But even that can’t stop a crying, grieving heart can it?  Nope, so what does one do to stop the mess your own death causes after you are gone? My answer , well, I think one should make statements to those they love and care about well before they are unable to, once diagnosed! In other words if you know you have cancer like I do, and you know you may die, but are not sure, you should sit down and write down the names of the ones, you have something important to say to, and the statements, then either put them in an envelope to be found after you’re gone or to write them on the internet for all to read! Yes I know it seems morbid and like I am depressed saying this but I am not even though I have cancer. A fight is in front of me is all to stay alive if I should fail to win the fight and I leave the reality of the life I share with others, then I believe they have the right to know, what I want and what I hope for them. I hope that makes sense to all!

      Each August day brings me closer to my pre-op for my surgery for my lung cancer and makes me think of the ones I may leave behind. Makes me think of my wife, my sister, my daughters and my grandchildren and my best friend. Makes me think of old loves I have left behind and the ones for which I could never find the time. Life rolls on folks, and it is not controlled by you or me or mankind, it is controlled by preset missions we are all here to do, when we arrive, without knowing them. We find out those missions as we go through life, one day at a time  The Mission pops up out of nowhere and we make a decision to do or not do something about it on the spot. Otherwise do you react or don’t you to certain events in life, if you don’t then, they happen anyway and you don’t affect them, it the course of nature, so to say. But if you choose to react and do something that changes the course of that mission, then you have completed at least one of the missions you were put here on earth to do.  It happens that way each day, each hour, each minute, each second we are here on earth, and when we leave, to me, it only makes sense to have affected mankind in a positive way.

       That said and done, I leave you today, with this thought in mind, find the ones that matter most to you in life, find them, tell them, and let them know you care. If you don’t each day, each hour, each minute, each second of the day, will continue to tick away, and time shall run out on you!

 

 

       Thirteen days till pre-op for more surgery which will take place on September 3rd.  Makes me stop and think of those gone before me from the same disease.  I don’t remember my grandfather too well but he loved  kids his own and his grandchildren. But Pancreatic Cancer got him at age 70, and he went quietly in a Nursing home. God Bless him really, for he was a kind man, at least to us kids.

      Following his lost, life moved along at a high rate of speed as I grew older and lived life myself. Then, I decided in the 1970s to find my real father, a man my mother called a grease monkey, a bum, a penny pitching fool. She told me he was no good for nothing and never would amount to anything. Well a woman scorned or divorced is all vindictive towards the ones who leave or they dump, for many reasons. I had to find him I thought for how do you go on in life without knowing your past, so I did. I found him in the little town he grew up in, Teaneck, NJ. Seems the penny pitching bum went on to have a second family with another woman and had 7 more children. And when I met him he was a gentleman, to me and polite as hell. We talked about life, his, mine, my mothers and the way I grew up too. I met him twice was all, but the man, was not what mom said he was, he was a decent guy. He died on Thanksgiving Day 1984, I went to the wake in Bogota, NJ and sat with his sister, but cancer had struck the second time, lung cancer this time.

       Six years later, my wife asked for a divorce and told me to get out that day, so I did. I packed up everything I could in an old Chevy Nova and left, her in Pittsburgh, Pa with my two baby girls. I came home to my parents home, because I had no where else to turn, to find my step-father dying of cancer also. Lung cancer had the man I called Dad all my life and he was thin as a rail and going. Ten months later, Abraham died, it was October of 1990. In the meantime came more bad news.

       Mom had cancer too same lung cancer, she found out June 1990 and told us not to tell Abraham. Of course we didn’t for she knew best in this case. One year and one day after Abraham his wife followed him to the grave, cause of death Cancer , lung cancer exactly. Add it up folks thats one Pancreatic and three lung cancer, my odds were never good were they?

       In the meantime, my second wife gets breast cancer as I sit by her and take her through it all. Diagnosis, surgery, followed by chemo and radiation I sat there and kept her company as she suffered. I cut her hair off her head at her request when it fell out, and now it is 7 years later, she is a survivor and I love her dearly and always will.

        August 2nd, 2013, my doctor had set me up for a screening cat scan, because of my family history of Cancer. The end result came the following MOnday morning when she called to tell me they had found shadows in my lungs. No specifics mind you nor did she mention cancer but I knew inside what it was. she set me up for a Pulmonary Clinic visit with a specialist. So I went and took the breathing tests and saw the Doctor, it was and is still cancer of the lungs, this time mine! Now I face it head on and will battle what all before me have and I have no idea of the results, but the battle will go on as long as I can fight it.

       So, the 23rd of August 2013 starts that fight with pre op tests, and procedures including seeing the Anesthesiologist, blood draw, and a  visit to a Cardiac Clinic to make sure I can take surgery on September 3rd, to remove the middle lobe of my right lung.  The tumor is local is what I am told and if the lobe goes so should the cancer, all I can do is keep a positive attitude and go forward with it all.

        So in each family, grandparents and parents leave behind a hand me down present for their children and future generations, in my case it is cancer, so I shall fight on and see if I can conquer it all. If I don’t at least I will put up one hell of a fight!

       For today I leave you with a story I wrote it’s called;

      My Maria—- http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CS3BTOS

      The story of my first real love !

       Enjoy folks and Thanks again for reading my blogs and stories and poems and             rants !

 

        

      Peace comes to the world when certain people or figureheads are killed or destroyed and all mourn that person. Here in America it was that way with our assassinated Presidents and Politicians over the centuries we have been a nation. When Our very first President died the country mourned, when Jefferson died, Adams, Franklin, Hancock, and many of our founding fathers. Then as time went on others became just as important to the nations as leaders and Presidents. Their deaths shocked the nation, Jackson, Garfield, Grant, but none more than the ones killed in office by men, who shot them down.

       Abraham Lincoln led this country through the hardest war in it’s history, The Civil War. He bore the pain and suffering of the nation’s people killing one another over slavery and differences. yet one crazy lone man, took a derringer and shot him dead watching a play. Sadly. Lincoln’s follower wasn’t as good as him in office but the nation did recover.

       John F. Kennedy a President that was elected by popular margins and barely beat out his foe, Richard Nixon, shot dead by a lone nut again or a conspiracy, it makes no difference doe sit, great people die young, and he was a revolutionary person in many ways, buy especially in civil rights.  How many more must die for the nation to realize, we need to get along, white, black, hispanic, oriental, or whatever. It is not the color of our skins that make us, it is the fact we are human, we eat, drink, sleep and live on the same planet, and  we all die and bleed for the country we believe in if we have to. Interesting yes. for it matters not to the world what color or race you are, if you are American, you are American.

       Other deaths occurred that shouldn’t have too, Robert F. Kennedy. Martin Luther King Jr. dead by nuts for no reason.  Again dreams were shot down, and leaders killed, for what? It doesn’t stop the inevitable does it folks, if anything more leaders step up and attempt to fill the roles necessary and time marches on. Time can not be fought, progress can not be stopped, for the only  one that can mess with time is indeed mother nature and that my friends is the longest relationship in the world period. Lets reach peace and see if the world can just for one day, resolve all problems and hate, and just live in peace for all.

         Cancer my friends, knows no favorites, cares about no color, no race, no religious belief,nationality, or location, it just hits and kills in the millions each day. I know I am one of the victims of this disease, handed down to me through generations of cancer victims who died. I struggle each day with the idea I have it and i hope each day i can overcome it and stick around awhile longer, I am only 57, and that is young. Time will march on though no matter what, I know this for sure.

      I wrote poems for myself and for my step-father’s death too. I shall post them here for all to read today, I hope they will bring some joy to the world and make all think of peace.

       

Why Must the Days End?

                                                By William  

 

 

           Why do the days have to end?

           Why do the nights have to come?

            The Darkness rolls in,

           Night reminding me,

           Of, my past, my sin.

 

 

           I didn’t know what you wanted or needed,

           You refused to say,

           So now I wonder and think,

           All night and through the day.

 

          I go thru life, a statement reverberating in my mind,

          It’s one I carry with me,

          And shall for all time.

 

          My father, laid dying on his bed you see,

          And these are the words he said to me:

          My son he said my days have come and gone,

          I shall leave you before for long.

 

          But live you life to the fullest and enjoy,

          Do today what you love the most,

          Enjoy life to the fullest, and love those around you the deepest,

          For though I be gone and you may cry,

          Please remember these words, I give you to keep and hold.

          Live your life with honesty and truth,

          Be happy, be true, be honest and be bold.

 

          As I leave you now he said:

          I shall be gone and you will cry,

          But remember this is not really goodbye.

 

          We are all put here for a purpose, yes a plan.

          When we fulfill that purpose our time has come,

           And our life is done, and I am just a man.

 

           The days will pass, the weeks will come and go,

           The weeks, will turn to months, the months to years,

           And over time,  you will, have cried all of your tears.

           But live your life for each day you are here,

           For the calendar will continue to roll,

           Time will pass before you know,

          

            In the end my son,

            We all eventually do what we have been put here for,

             And our time is done.

 

            Then he rolled his head, in his bed,

            The vomit came, his eyes rolled back in his head,

            And peacefully, and in silence he was dead.

 

            I remember that day oh so well,

            I remember the fishing trips, the pizzas, the laughter and the tears,

            And have carried his words, with me and lived them for all my years.

        The second poem:

          

If I Die

        By: William M. McCurrach   

 

            If I die tomorrow and my life does end,

            Who would show at my funeral my friend?

            Would they come from my youth, the days when I ran free,

           A boy in the woods, enchanted you see?

           I doubt that they would even remember me!

         Would they come from my Elementary School days,

         Ah even if I wish to know some,

        I doubt it is what I say!

 

       Would they come from the days I roamed high school hall?,

       Carving and writing names on walls, long lost loves and

       Male friends, and all.

      I doubt it you see for I didn’t play ball!

 

        Would they come from my teenage years, when my hormones raged?

         And I had no fears?

         I doubt they would remember me after all these years!

 

         So if I die tomorrow who would come?

         To see a man who always had to run?

        Would my ex-wives show up, or my kids,

        I do not know, for I am a lone wolf and that is my soul.

 

       So as my blood pressure rages, and my nerves get blocked, my heart starts to clog and my life starts

       To Stop,   Tell me Lord who will be there to mourn me when I drop!

        Thanks for reading my blogs and thoughts for today!

 

 

               

       

      In the world today there are many married people, people who have grown accustomed to having a spouse or mate with them each day.  They rely on the mate to help them through their days and nights for comfort, companionship and medical problems and to pay bills. Each day is a routine for them, where they watch each others health, they hug, kiss, laugh and travel together, and then, a disease comes in and slowly it starts to get tighter as death for one or the other nears. It’s a fact of life and mother nature and mankind all go through it, it’s the endless cycle of life. 

        It is now August 8th, and it is today six days since I was told I have lung cancer, I find each day more important to me, as I get closer to my operation on September 3rd and my pre-op on August 23rd. I hope Cardiology will approve me for the operation and all else goes correctly. It seems to me, each day passes faster than it should and time is short, but, I keep going coughing my way through it all. Peace I have made with the idea of not being alive forever and my own mortality, for I have always said mankind, each of us as individuals, are put here to complete missions we have no idea what they may be, but, once we complete them without knowing what they are, we return to the place we came from. Otherwise our creator calls us home because we are done.

       I have found lately that even though I write short stories, poems and post them online for sale in Amazon’s Kindle e-books and Kobo Books, I don’t sell many. I believe it is because I did not do a great bit of work on editing them, or making them long enough to interest too many. Sorry, folks, but it is how I write and i do not claim to be a great Author. My Stories are of my life, my families life, loves never reached or loves gone wrong, some military stories are there and in the end some made up totally, murder mysteries.

       Today, I will give you the links to the better ones I am told: 

        “The Holy Land Murder”—-http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CCCZQ8A

         “The Northern Woods Murders”—- http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CGMRXDC

           “Unattainable Love”—-http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CGPDGDU

            “The Poems of W.M.M.”—-http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CHQPNQQ

             “God Damn It!”—http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CMXD1TU

               “Tick, Tock The Infernal Clock”—-http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CDU0FIC

               “Adult Poems of Romance and Lust”— http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00D5L684I   

                  “Disappearing Hams”— http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00DZPFKYS

                   “Conversations With Dad”—http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00EBC5FHG

                                          

       

      Hump Day has arrived and it is August 7th 2013 and yes I am still here folks! Yet, I know I have cancer, I can feel it in my lungs, I can feel it when I breathe , and I have seen it on cat scans and pet scans. I am not ready to give up though why would I am only 57.

        I do know I go for preoperative stuff on August 23rd, Which includes, blood work, anesthesiologist,  and more and it is closing in pretty fast. Then on September 3rd, they go in and remove the middle lobe of my right lung and see what kind and what stage it is, lucky me huh?

         I know also, I have many women worried over my condition, my wife, my sister,my daughters, my grandchildren and more, wondering if I can survive it all. I also know I have no way of predicting if I will survive it.  Sadly, the percentage rates for lung cancer victim my age of 57 are not very good. So I shall have to prepare once the operation is over, for those i may leave behind to have something.

       Mortality is something we don’t like of growing up, till our own parents die or we are facing it. I didn’t for decades thats for sure, I ran, I jumped, I dared and I shared, never once thinking of when this time would come., So, as I face the same disease that took my grandfather, my father, my step-father and my mother, and threatened both of my wives at one time or another, I wonder how much will power and inner strength do I really have?

        If I do go, I know there are some people who need to know I love them dearly and always will till eternity, whether I am here or gone.  I am sure my wife and sister both know what they mean to me and that I will miss them as much as they shall miss me when I am gone.

       My two daughters I shall love forever and ever no matter where I may be and always have no matter what was done to me or them.  I hold no grudges or anger toward either of them and never did  or could.

         My grandkids whom I love dearly, Kayla, Alyssa, Chase, Ethan, the innocents and the next generation. I pray you will have a better life than I, or your parents had and that when you grow up, you will have a flicker of a memory of a grandfather who loved ya. I hope to be here longer but no one knows yet!

        The old friends I grew up with, know who they are and what we did together. I hope there will be good memories for them also, for time may be short for me.

       In the end it is not what you get, it’s what you give that makes life special, for once your know your going, those are the things you will look back on. Memories of good times, laughter, time spent together. God Bless!

 

         Thirty days before my operation to take a lobe off my right lung and it gets a little scarier each day, knowing I am carrying cancer in me. I wonder if one I will survive the operation, two if I do what shape I will be in after it, three will I withstand the chemo and radiation afterwards? No way to tell until I go thru it is there?

One day at a time is all one can do at a time, honestly! Each day bring coughs, wheezing and hacking at times, and tiredness. But I keep on hoping it will get better in 30 days, once they operate on me.

My blogs will be all I will be doing from now on, it seems my little books, stories or poems are not good enough to sell much of. I may ramble on too much in them, or not be correct in english or grammar or whatever it takes. Maybe it’s the fact that I confuse first person and third person, or tell my stories from my own view and never really edit them properly, because I am not made of money to hire an editor. Whatever it is, sales are extremely slow and people get angry when I show them the links to them and ask them to buy them. So I will stop giving the links out in Second Life, Facebook and Google Plus and let them die online, like I may slowly in real life.

I want to thanks anyone who bought one of my stories, or little books and who believed in me for the support and time they took to show it. As I go forward, I will try to not bother anyone with the links on Second Life or FaceBook, Twitter or Google Plus again. I never intended to anger anyone or to push anyone to do anything, I apologize if I did make anyone uncomfortable

As I go forward toward my surgery, if anyone in Second Life asks I will inform them only of how I am doing. I don’t want to bother people who don’t care. I hope all will forgive me for passing out links to my books in Second Life, in Wildcats, BlackHorse, or any where else I did so. Apology made and I hope accepted by anyone I bothered or who complained of me doing so. 

 

Finding by Scans/ Whats next?/Regrets!.