Sleepless Nights

I awake in a cold sweat,

Remembering the nightmares I have still and yet.

Each night dreamless and restless,

Because I know I have lost, the best part of me,

I dream no more, each night a black deep hole,

Dreams have vanished, thoughts are dead,

There is, a blackness in my head.

 

What happened to my dreams?

What happened to my wishes, my wants, my needs,

I have no more of these,

So it seems.

 

Each night brings pain in my back, my stomach and my heart,

The pain I can live with, if need be,

But the dreams were once a central part of me.

Sleepless nights,

Full of darkness ,

Full of fright!.

How I hate when the sun goes down,

Knowing when it rises again,

I may not be around!.

The sleepless nights, bring to me my tears,

My mind and heart remembers the hurt of the past years.

So I suffer each night, without any dreams,

Sleepless nights are mine for now and forever more,

So it seems.

 

 

My Newest little book book is now on Amazon’s Kindle E-Books for sale;

The Project Murders in Broad View Acres                                                                                                http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00D3QZZU8

7 Murders in ten years and a surprising twist for MAC the Detective!

 

     As we now close in on June 2013, I think back to summer fun with parents, siblings and friends in my younger days. I reflect on the good times and try hard to forget the bad. Not all of life is good or great, but we overcome the bad or disappointing and head toward better as we go along, We strive for the best and hope and pray we bring all we love with us. We dream big, and wish all we love the best, that’s the way I always think anyway.

We can’t right everything in the world or even in our own lives, but we can sure try to eliminate those problems in the future. No one is perfect, no one can do all things right and we all make mistakes. It is how we overcome those mistakes that makes us who we are each day.

We are all what our parents, families, friends and lovers put into us. Those experiences stay with us, unless we are affected by violence or mistreated. When those things happen as human being we work overtime to overcome them and still try to be the best we can be!

My Family growing up, was the 5 siblings, myself included, our parents one who was our mother and the other a step-father who stepped in to raise two children that were not his plus three of his own. He wasn’t perfect no one is and we put up with verbal and mental abuse as well as physical abuse too. But did he intend it all, no he was raised that way and it was all he ever knew. But he provided a home, figure to look up to and he taught us in his own ways.

So as my mind flashes back to childhood as June is a coming and Father’s Day is around the corner. I have only one thing to say, He may not have been Mr’ Personality, or, Mr Correct 24/7, but he was always there, providing food, a home, clothing and helping where he could. And all his actions were not his fault, he was pushed by our mother, who was far from perfect too. So in the end, we all grew up different from each other,estranged from each other because of the traits he and our mom passed on to us.

      So today, we are a family divided by distances, differences, personalities and beliefs. One is in the South living his life to show he can do it and so he looks rich and smart when he isn’t. Then there is me, I escaped all of it to become a Military Man, a writer, a father and grandfather too. An Average American who likes life and hides from pain.

The third son, and his first by my mother, had it the roughest at all times. He was beaten into submission by his father yet rebelled and took all he could and ran. He ran across America to Texas then on to California where at 30 years old he died from Aids and a drug overdose and changed his name to hide himself at death. The poor boy never had a chance, and he knew it, but he did his best to leave behind a son.

The daughter grew up to be sweet, beautiful, respected and protected by her Dad and brothers. She became a woman of beauty, skills, and smarts. A Professional Helper to a Businessman and Scholar. She has all she needs to live a full life now, till she dies. And believe me she will leave a lot to her children when she goes.

          The Baby Boy, grew up to be a man in his own right and greatly resembles his father. He is an artist in his own right, a worker and a decent person, except for the faults put in him like the rest of us by our parents. Not a one of us is perfect in every way  but we learn as we go and adapt to life as it comes along and survive. The truth is no Family is perfect, we didn’t have any killers or real criminals at all. Yet we are each messed up a bit in our own ways. But life has produced a future, a life we live no matter what and we can not blame our parents for our lives or who we are, we are too old now, and know it is our choices that make us who we are!

       When I was young we would do Memorial Day in my Family at  the beach each year. Mom and Dad had a  cottage and we would run up and down the beaches and get sunburned, swim and eat all day. As we grew older we all separated and went our separate ways, my older brother to bushiness and sports, me I went to the military, my next brother became things we won’t discuss, my sister grew up to be a wonderful lady and smart too, and the baby of the family is in his own right an artist of great works.

        I choose the Military for the Discipline, the schooling and a career I needed at the time. I was the Black Sheep of our family and the most unwanted among all of them. I survived by doing what I thought was right as a kid, writing, reading and running. My life was escaping those who hated me or didn’t want me to run to those I was accepted by, so the Military worked for me. I can’t change the pain of my youth, the fact I had Attention Deficit Disorder and Hyper-Activity, and was different from all and misdiagnosed. But I overcame anyway to grow up to be a man, who loves life.

       Memorial Day to me now means us Disabled Veterans who gave for their country and the pride we have in doing so. It’s a day in my book when the pride shines, but it does so quietly and personally. I stop to think of my Father who served in the Army for a term, my Step-father who did too, who I outdid in rank and years.  I stop to think of those I knew and like who wore the Uniforms of their country because they wanted to stand up and protect our rights, and their loved ones at home. Sacrificing is what the Military is all about in more than one way. I see Veterans everyday at Hospitals, in Wheel Chairs, walking the streets broke and hurt and being ignored. You want to do something for a Veteran who protected you, defended your rights and cared when no one else did, than simply say thank you and give them a hot meal and a hand across the street if ya can. That is Memorial Day to me, caring for the men and women who went to war, served, were injured or died, and giving them all a moment of time to collect themselves and smile once more in their lives.

      So, when you walk down the street and see a man or woman alone staring blankly at the world or hungry and dirty, or walking with a cane or in a wheelchair or wearing a tee shirt saying Veteran or Disabled Veteran, say thnak you and ask them if they need a hand, they didn’t ask you but gave their help to their nation and each of us!

 

 

      I am, I write, I think I breathe, I am the man I am supposed to be!

      I write short stories, Poems, love stories and Mysteries and even short military stories!

      Here is one ya can look at if interested, Ladies and Gents;

      http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CDU0FIC- Tick Tock The Infernal Clock

      Story of three generations of murders, solved by estrangement and time!

 

       Too many killed innocently in this world, the innocents are always the victims. Sadly America’s crime rates are getting worse each year and the population is getting denser too. The amount of children born to some parents are crazy in today’s world and economy. A family should be limited to one or two children per couple or marriage, because at the rate we humans multiply, we will use up the resources, the planet supplies, at a rate too fast for humankind to survive.

      I have a few problems with people on Welfare too. How can a family produce all these children then end up on Welfare and food stamps too and then drive Cadillacs and Sports cars around? Why is that possible? Why do Americans as a society, award people who have so many children by giving them Welfare and Financial Aid? I can’t Figure it out at all!

        Next, I hear complaints from many that jobs are not to be found, yet, Primerica a growing Financial Services Company that sells Insurance,Financial Programs to help families is looking for people all the time and growing by leaps and bounds.

         In the area I live in, Waterbury, Connecticut, we have a bigger problem then just people without jobs. The People we have without jobs are people whose families have been manufacturing people, No Factories, No jobs, so you end up with blue collar workers out of work and only retail or white collar jobs to be had. Shouldn’t someone set up a program to retrain the blue collar worker for white collar and retail jobs, before you bring in more retail stores?

      Why continue to grow the Retail Industry in an area where economic recovery and jobs are not to be found? Silly isn’t it?

       My final comments for today concern Justice and The American Way. The courts in 32 states have the death penalty as in Arizona. we have murderers  like Jodi Arias on trial and in that phase where life or death must be decided by a jury. Yet we are still barbaric enough to think of an eye for an eye as the solution to it all? Why? Has mankind and Americans not learned the to give a killer a death sentence is to just murder another person, making the States’s Government and the people of the state no better then the murderer they kill?