My Thoughts,On The Holiday Season !


The last Christmas, I had with my wife, I took her to her daughters and sat in the background as she talked, and chatted with her ex-husband’s widow and her own daughter and her grandkids. I sat in the livingroom on the couch, and played video games on my cell phone is all. The same took place when we went to her sister’s across the state from where we lived in Connecticut, for the 28 years I was with her. On Christmas Eve I would go to my sisters and exchange presents with her and her man. Watch a movie and pack it in and go home. So Holidays to me, never were fun and never will be, but, since she passed in 2021, I find it hard to celebrate at all.

 It has now been 28 months since she passed from cancer and I hospiced her. I worked overtime, selling all I owned when she passed, and sold the home we had also. I moved north to Massachusetts, and bought a condo up here. I thought it wasa good iswa because i would be closer to my sister. Yet, that changed fast, once she found a new man in her life and moved away. I have been alone now for a pretty good amount of time, no one to really talk to, or be with, just me. I play billards oncea week with some people here at the condos I live in on Monday evenings. Other than that, I am alone, and walk, or read, build puzzles and watch television or movies as I go. I walk a mall near me some days, just to get out of my condo for a while. I shop for food as needed and go to doctors or dentists is all, otherwise. Meeting someone is not apossibility for me, as far as romance goes, because i do not like bars or taverns, so I stay home. At 67 going on 68 I have no plans to join a gym either. So at times, I wonder what I can do, to keep going, day, by day. As I see it, I would go stir crazy if it were not for the NFL, NBA, on tv, or the Billards Club on Monday evenings once a week.

 I don’t do resturants on my own, some people do, but, alone is uncomfortable for me. I tried doing breakfast alone this past week and ended up eating, alone and basically coming home. I find the people in Westborough, Mass here, very cold toward people my age. Ageism in modern america is a large factor, but, it seems even more so here. I am not sure, anyway, if I am able to handle it, if i did meet someone. I shy away and avoid talking to most, I am very aware of my age, and know most women are married and taken, in my age group. Finding a woman in my age range is impossible here in Westborough, Mass. all are younger or married it seems, or I have no idea where to find any to meet and talk to. I am lost in attempting it. When you were married for 28 years, you get set in your ways, and the whole dating scene has changed to, dating sites anyway. It’s a different world out there for sure. Dating sites cost money and most don’t work anyway, women are scarred in todays society and personally, I am too.

 So my Christmas will be one alone, at home, reading, watching tv, walking, building a puzzle and playing either video games or writing blogs like this one. New Year’s wil be the same too, there are going to be events at the clubhouse here where i live in my condos, but I do not attend them, for I feel out of place and strange when I do. It’s very uncomfortable for me, so I stay home alone. I am very aware of my age, my lack of looks and that many don’t like me here. So, I am better off alone. Whether i can keep going alone is the only question I face, and for how long I can last. There are times when I get depressed feel alone, and down, and think about what to do, I have even thought of ending it and joining my wife. Yet at the moments and times those thoughts hit me, I seem to be able to pass through it and survive. I know I am facing the hardest part of the year for me, right now, these Holidays. The hardest time is now upon me the final days of 2023 and New Years Day. I have to mak eit through alone now, and it will bea struggle. I will keep day by day, thinking one thing, survive.

 

 

Just thoughts of mine, Today !


 Sunday December 17th, 2023, began fro me at 4:30 am. Sleep is not something that seems to be in store for me. I sleep about 4 and a half to 6 hours a night is it. It is hard to sleep, when you really don’t do much, to get tired or you lay down and watch tv and fall asleep during the day. If i want to sleep or catch up on sleep, I have to walk or find other things to do, during the day, and force myself to stay awake. I know insominia is bad for people, and it brings us closer to death when it does happen, for along period of time. Just a medical fact.

 I find myself, not finding the energy or interest to do much anymore. I walk is all and watch television a lot, read a little and keep to myself. Before my wife passed in August 2021, I had someone to interact with, someone to care for, and someone to do for, now all I have is me. A 596 square foot condo, is just a cage to hide in these days, and, nothing more. It provides for a roof over my head, a place to cook when I want to, a place to watch tv, do laundry and shower is all. Cleaning it now and then as needed, because all that is here is me, is not much really. I do the necessities of course, but, overall, it is boring.

 As we age, we come to realize we get set in our ways, and we do not like changing much. We get set in patterns and in my case, it is honestly true. I have basically gave up, trying to reach out, or go out alone, it is boring, people don’t deal with the elderly well and the older you get they shun you. I wish, I was more of an extrovert than I am, because at least then I could talk to others easier. I was never a social butterfly, or someone who meets others easily. I think extroverts are lucky, and they do better than I ever will socially. I stay to myself, out of fear, anxieties, and the inability to interact can kill. Some people can handle the alone time and like it, yet even they ultimately find a way to interact with others, I don’t. I stay alone, and it will probaly get to me sooner than later. Never have been a ladies man either, I can count the women I have been with at 67 going on 68 years old, on one hand. Yet, I have had two marriages, two children, don’t ask me how.

 I grow older, I grow more isolated daily, coming out only for certain purposes. I come out to walk, or to go to doctors or dentists, or to shop as needed. I am not a church goer, I don’t drink, so bars are no good for me. I bowled for a while but than that died out due to my back injuries, I play pool once a week is all. I read as I can when I can, I play X-Box now and then and even that I stopped out of boredom. I sit and stare at a TV Screen daily, watching repeats or movies, but, mostly sports, The NFL and NBA keep me going really. News is boring, sad and depressing these days, wars here and there, hostages taken, people killed in wars is all you hear about, nothing positive really. Being 67, soon to be 68 is no fun, and I doubt if there will ever be anymore fun in life for me. Existing is not living, if you have no interaction with others, you have no real life. It’s just a fact is all.

 To answer the questions some will ask, like, you sound suicidial at times are you ok? The truth is no, but I push on, puttering through the normal everyday, things we all do. Some will ask, Doctors I am sure, have I ever though of committing suicide, yes, many times. What stops me, is only the fear of what is on the other side, while at other times, the draw to go, is my wife has proceeeded me and I miss her dearly and wish she was here, with me again. The American society as I see it, is not kind to it’s elderly and senior citizens and when you lose a long time spouse you loved dearly, there is a draw to want to join the, out of pure depressiona nd loneliness, period.

 Many have said, I should get up go do things, go to bars, go to shows,concerts, games anything to keep busy, but I don’t. I can’t find the motovation to do such things and i do not have a drive for them. I avoid people and crowds, I lack social skills others my age and older have. I look at myself and see a old, coot of a man, not pretty to look at, and getting older by the day. I really do resemble one of those Grumpy Old Men from that old movie, that starred Jack Lemon and Walter Matheu. I putter day by day, alone, and I ask no one for help and never will, I will never impose on anyone, nor will I ever be a burden to anyone, I refuse to do that. As I age, slowly I have come to accept the fact that, my time shall come soon enough. I don’t really fear death, why, because I know it is a natural occurrence that we all face. It’s just a matter of how soon and under what circumstance I go. I just want to go peaceful is all, I don’t want to feel it.

 I believe honestly, I did the right things in my life, as I lived it. I helped my parents, my siblings, my friends, and did the best I could. I served my country for 16 years also. I have had a life that is decent I believe, yet, in the end, far from perfect. I have made my mistakes as any man or woman has. Some choices were wrong, others were right, it is a natural occurrence when you live a life. We learn as we go, is what I say, and we always use our experiences of the past to adjust in the present and look ahead to the future. It’s called life folks we all go through it.

 I have always and will always have a firm belief, that, we are born and brought into theworld fora purpose and that purpose is the mission or missions we were sent here to complete, that we really do not know. Yet when we finally complete the mission we are sent here for, we get recalled to the place from whence we came. Some of us head to heaven, some of us to hell and the way I see it, the earth welive on is actually, our in between or purgatory, we must live through. But, I will say this, each of us have our own beliefs on this subject for sure. I would never doubt what your belief may be or how you feel about it, I only know how I feel and what my thoughts are on it.

  I know, when I go, I did all I could to help others in my own way. And my legacy will be my blogs, my stories and my poems, my daughters, my grandchildren will be fine. I just hope when I pass, no one will cry over me, and that I never adversly affect anyone’s life, while I live.

 

 

 

Massachusetts


 Massachusetts, I ask, simply, what is happening here in this state. Now, I know the people of Massachuestts will probaly object to what I am saying here. I have lived in Connecticut, Virginia, Florida and Pennsylvania, been around the world to places like Italy, Germany, France, England, and all of South America and the Virgin Islands too. I have never had any problem communicating to the populations of all of the places I mention here, yet, I find the people of Massachusetts, difficult to comminicate with, or talk to. You speak to them politely, and they don’t talk back, or push you away, or in the end, just ignore you. I find it strange in the way they act, and why is beyond me.

I find it weird, in Massachusetts, where I live at least. The town I live in Westborough has more bars, churchs and banks than any other place i have ever seen basically. If you, are looking for some place to meet people, or to find someone to date or even just hang out, you have to go to bars/ taverns, resturants or church. If you don’t, well no one talks to you really. I know I am elderly at 67 going on 68, and ageism exists here big time, yet Westborough has a senior population, I know it because I live in a 55 plus community. I was in a mall today, and just walking and standing around watching people go by. I ended up talking to a gentleman about a lot of these subjects, this one for sure. Turns out he came to Massachusetts from another state also. He finds it weird also here, but, he said to go to bars, play pool, bowl, or do senior centers at my age. I understand and bowled the first year I was here, and I play Billards in the 55 plus community I am in once, a week. As to the Senior Center, I visited it three times now and each time, it is empty, or basically empty. Bars/Taverns are really not my thing, but, I have tried a few of them here also. I went to Red Heat Tavern, and it is usually 30-40s there. JP’s Tavern is an older crowd but, usually full and then I tried Central House in the center of town, and went there three times. Each has a slightly different clientel of course in age range, and style, but, the elderly of 55 plus, don’t seem very welcome. So, my question really is this for the people of Westborough, and Massachusetts as a whole, if your building 55 plus communities and retirees, divorciees, widowers/ widows are who you are selling to, shouldn’t you also, be building or creating places they can meet others their own age, and things for them to do besides, eating and bars to drink in? Just wondering is all, and asking an obvious question.

 I was also told that Westborough is known for it’s Indian Population here. I see many around of course in grocery stores and more like banks. Nothing wrong with it of course, and it is not a problem for me, just, it was brought to my attention. All seem friendly enough of course and nationality, race, color mean nothing to me. I just want to know, where we over 55 and up go to find others of out own age group, and who may be single, to meet and get to know each other?

  Karyoke Bars can be fun, and I see none around here. We have one book store here, many stores yes, plazas, resturants abound. The real question comes down to what are we the 55 plus community supposed to do for fun, to meet others our own age in Westborough? And why Massachusett’s people are so scarred of talking, and so, either snobby or put offish, lol. I know being from out of state may be strange to some here, but, if you don’t give people a chance, what do you think will happen, then? Maybe it’s just me, but as I see it, if I can get along with people all over the world and everywhere I have lived before, why is Massachuetts so hard? I wish I knew, but I shall survive and carryon of course, I just hope it gets better for me. Someone out there, knows I am sure. Otherwise what will all of you do when you hit 55 plus yourselves? 

ALL, I can be, is me!


December 12th, 2023, Good Morning to all, it is still dark out here at 6:15 am. I awoke at 5:30 am, and facea new day once more. It is December, and getting closer to Christmas and the New Year is fast approaching also. Every year I do not worry about the Holidays anymore, no one to celebrate them with so i end up either walking, reading or building a puzzle alone. Don’t get me wrong, because some may think I am complaining or crying because I am alone, I really do not, do so. I have always been able to handle the loneliness, ok. I would never push, or impose,or burden anyone with my presence, plus it’s cheaper, not to have to buy for others.

As we head to the end of 2023 and the beggining of 2024. it has now been 28 months, since my wife passed from her breast cancer. I miss her kowledge, I miss her companionship, I miss her laughter and her touch. I shall always miss her, I know it seems like I am constantly grieving her, but, I am not so much grieving her anymore as to just outright missing her. When you are married to the same person for 28 years and they pass, you find yourself doing what I do, looking for things to do, and hoping you just can make new friends, get lucky one more time, so you don’t die alone.Yet, you know you meet someone, you have to guard against being taken for money, or belongings or being ripped off, or used or abused because you are now elderly. Then, because your elderly, the odds of finding someone to enjoy the end of life with, in your age range is lessened, due to the same concerns and ageism itself in today’s society. It’ a catch 22 situation in many ways.

As Time goes on for me, I find myself tired of looking, and tired of worrying about finding someone to share what life I have with left. I have tired dating sites like, Zoosk, Match, and others, ,all they do is eat your money, and produce no results in meeting anyone decent. Most on these date sites, are not looking for straight companionship, they want money is all. Someone to buy them a lunch or dinner,or a drink at a club or tavern and someone who’s walllet they can pick at, to help them survive. While paying for a drink is ok, if your talking to her and she is interested, and real is fine,many women, think you owe them or have to pay them, to be with you. Paying for sex never happens with me, and I don’t care who the woman is, if it doesn’t happen naturally, it tain’t going there. Accepting I have had a decent life so far is where I am at today. I have had 2 marriages, two children, 2 daughters, numerous homes and been basically, healthy, so I am lucky. Like everyone else, of course, health issues do come up and I fight them off and carry on.

I have written short stories and poems and numerous blogs in my time. I have commmented on life, relationships and politics also. I have walked many miles in my shoes and been around the world in The Navy, served in The Army, National Guard and the Navy. Seen places few will ever see, and I must admit, people are people no matter where they be, what language they speak matters not. We all want the same things, the necessities, the place to live in peace, food and in the end love and sex. It is a world wide fact for all of it. We all want to be safe, be healthy, be allowed to just be ourselves, and to do so with someone we love or care for, and who does the same for us. Life is more than sex, life is more than existing, it is living and enjoying, so do it folks.

I will say this to anyone out there, if you have a wife, a husband and have been married for a while, you do not want to just toss it, without reason, just because your sex drive tells you too. We all become set in our ways when married, we do things, the way we do them, due to patterns, and what we get used to and are comfortable about. Unless something drastic changes and forces you to move on, hang in there and make compromises if you must. In the long run you are set and starting over is a bitch, just ask someone like me. I had my first marriage and that ended in divorce, and had to relaunch myself and start over. Then, I found my second wife, and it went 28 years and she passed from cancer and I honestly can sayI was lucky as hell to have her. But, facing a restart at my age in my mid 60’s is rough. the world changes a lot in 28 years, and the dating world is not the same anymore.

There are no single’s dances for people 60 and up, there is no walking up to a woman in her 60’s and asking her out easily with confidence. As we age we lose some of our confidence, looks and even skills. I am definitely in a disadvantage in my mind and thoughts. I have no idea where to find a woman in my age range, how to tell if they are single and want to mingle, and I fear approaching anyone who is taken or married. The thing with me is simple, I may admire a woman, I may even be attracted to her, but at my age, I fear approaching and the anxieties of age kick in, so I end up alone always. Internet dating sites seem to be the way people go these days, and I find it impersonal, cold, and chancey to do. Like I said earlier, I tried it a few times, and basically said, enough.

Will there ever be another woman in my life I have large doubts on that one. I am older, uglier, and set in my ways these days. I am basically like either Jack Lemon or Walter Matheu in that old movie Grumpy Old Men, puttering along, doing what I can alone and not bothering anyone. I say hello to many, I smile and laugh in public, and then head home to put my feet up, watch tv, and go to bed on time. Each day is basically the same, and I only change when I need to do three things,one a doctor, two a dentist, three to go shopping lol. Other wise I putter and walk and hide in my 596 square foot condo, I call my cage, in a 55 plus neighborhood. I watch people go to and fro, and that is how my life does go.

I used to cook for my wife and I and family on holidays, but, I am alone these days, so it is quick, micro-wave food, pizza and sandwiches for me. No reason to cook, really, no one to share it with ,if, I do. This way it is not leftovers everyday at least. I clean my own condo, I do my own laundry and I putter through is all. What most of us do as we age and we don’t realize it is, we reach a point where the reason for being on earth, disappears. Without someone to share life and it’s liberties with, our motivation tends to disappear and we wind down. Thats why, I say if you have someone, you love or are married to or in a decent relationship with, don’t give it up, it helps to keep you alive. Once it does end, you really don’t want to have to start over again, too many things to get used to and changes to live through. Stay with what ya got and who ya got folks, the dating world is not easy or fun anymore, it is electronic, internet,computers and phones now and basically sucks. The world says it is better for all, what they don’t know is it isn’t, people skills are dying, anyone can type, or talk on a device, but few can handle face to face anymore, thats for sure. We don’t tend to talk to one another, or anyone in person, or look into each others eyes, we don’t tend to hug or touch either. We are now, very distant from one one another and we don’t realize it. But, that is the way, the world has gone now and accepting it is all we can do. So, I putter along, mind my own, do what I must do to survive and have basically, said this is how it must be, for someone like me. I never learned to flirt in my younger days, I was always too busy running is what I say. I didn’t really chase the girls, yet, I ended up married twice in this world. I will never understand why, but, somehow, thats how it went, destiny, fate, maybe, I shall never know. Yet I age and that is so, I putter on, and I guess I shall always you see, for all I can be, is me.

Happy Holidays From Me !


Friday December 8th, 2023 started for me at 4:30 am, I awoke and went what the hell am I doing up? But, when I tried to go back to sleep my body and mind said no, so I crawled out of bed, got a coffee and here I am now. I know what most would say was go back to bed stupid, but, I can’t my mind won’t let me.

Many have tried to understand me, in my life, my first wife, the Navy, My daughters who know nothing of me and my own family that raised me. I have always been the one, they just never understood or have gotten, it’s just me. I have been called crazy, emotionally unstable, nutty, a loner, a drifter and so much more. If people knew me, better they would understand me better. I am no loner, or drifter, but when, I am hurt, tired and lonely, I do wander, and stay by myself, it’s my way of not hurting or harming anyone else. I shut down and lock myself away and wander on my own. I am a widower now for over 2 years, and I still talk to my deceased wife and wish she was with me in my own home. But, I know i am not alone in this, kind of grief process many suffer it too. So I try to handle it alone, so it does not spill over into others lives around me.

Some have no idea about who I am, what is happening in my mind and my heart or what I may be affected by. I was born with hyperactivity and attention disorder. Easily distracted and unable to pay full attention, in school or at home. I fought my way through it all, no medications or medical help and ended up sent a way for two years for what they called emotionaly instability in the 1960s. It wasn’t though it was ADHD, misdiagnoises happened plenty back then, medicine did not understand it all yet. Yet I persisted and overcame anyway.

As I grew up, it did cause many problems at home and in schools for me, ultimately it caused me to dropped out of high school, so I went to work and in the end went in the service. I served 16 years in three branches and was married and had two of everything, until I was discharged medically for an accident aboard ship that gave me herniated discs. At the sametime that was determined, I was all of a sudden in a divorce from lack of being able to support my family.

I overcame and moved on anyway, doing odd jobs and living off of unemployment, until, I found my second wife. She helped me deal with it all and helped me find a way to go forward. In return I helped her, and we ended up loving one another and living together. it would be a 28 year relationship, that I can never and will never forget, I still love her today over two years after she passed and left me due to cancer. One thing she told me and others before she passed was, that I am a realist, I will survive her passing and be fine. Well surviving is one thing being fine is another for sure I have found out. You can not replace the unreplaceable folks, the memories get you and you break down in private at times and then, pull yourself together in public and carry on. I know I am doing it these days, every day I live. I suffer from loneliness of course and not having someone in my life, because I shut down and refuse to reach out or allow any woman in. I know it is wrong to do, but, I do it on reflex, and to protect myself, I doubt I could handle losing another lover like that.

Living alone in a 596 square foot condo, in a 55 plus community, for me is not easy. I call my condo my 956 sq.ft. cell and cave I hide in. To me it’s true, I venture out to walk, put on a good face, smile and talk and kept moving never getting involved any where with anyone. Yes I shop, yes i go to doctors and dentists and medical appointments. No I do not go to bars. taverns, or social events alone. I feel out of place when I do, and I avoid that feeling everytime i can.

What to do, where to go, how to handle it all is a daily challenge for me. Yet, I struggle through and make it work, because I am still here. Yes there are times I think what the hell am I here for and I shouldn’t be here, I have no purpose in life anymore. I have considered suicide, and just haven’t found the courage to do so and can’t see myself doing so. I have seen numerous others die young and take their own lives, and end up shaking my head when I think of them.

Whats next for me I do not know, I only know I am here and it seems I have a way to go. I have always believed that we are put upon this world for a reason, we just don’t know what it really is. Each of us is born to accomplish some missions in our life time, and until you complete those unknown missions you are here, when you complete them, the Good Lord recalls you to his side and it ends. Is there a heaven or hell, I do not know, no one does, all we know is it ends for us, the beyond is not answerable is it? The Great Houdini, told his wife, he would come back from the dead, he couldn’t no one can, so we shall never know whats on the other side. We can only guess folks !

It’s the month of December of 2023, The Holiday Season is here and people are rushing to and fro, as Santa’s pop up laughing HO, Ho ,Ho. The Shopping is happening even though the economy sucks, but it shall go on, because it must. Church Bells will ring and people will smile, food will get cooked and served for a while. The joy of the Season comes every year, we all get so busy, we overlook those who cry a tear. Yet life goes on even for those who cry, for those who did die, and spirits get lifted you see. The sad part is after they do and all the smiling and laughter is done, what happens to those who are alone and just one. We shall never know, as long as they don’t affect us so and they are not apart of our lives, for all it all changes, when they become our children, relatives, husbands or wives. For the loss takes away the reason for Joy, and then we wonder why, we lost that husband, wife, girl or boy. It depresses and it messes with our will to live, and we think we do not have anything left to give. The truth be known and I am not alone, is that each of us, man, woman or child have something we can give and that is how we all live. So, I don’t surrender, but I do try to move on, to see whats next and what I must do, not for me, but for each of you. We all contribute in someway in our lifetime, there is a reason we are here, no matter if it is to teach a lesson, to take the pain, to, live in happiness or in shame. We shall not know, when it is time to go, it’s just a fact don’t you see. For in the end, all we can be, is who we are, and do what we can. wheither we be a woman or man.

I wish all The Best Of Holidays no matter your faith or belief, and I hope all will be strong, healthy and not suffer grief. We do at some point in our lifetime, as one friend said, depression is in your mind, Find a way to hol don to the good memories, and that will be so much better for you and for me, in time.

Happy Holidays to ALL !

Grief, Dealing with it


Today is December 6th, 2023, the year has been flying by for all of us and time stops for no one and we age as it does. We go through life and we never stop to think that, we may depart it at any moment, and those we care about may do so too. Now, I was watching CNN this am and Anderson Cooper was talking about his podcast he did regarding grief and loss and how one handles it in life. He even hada conversation with President Joe Biden regarding it all. Grief drives many of us, but, it also holds some of us back, from being the best we can be. It is a two edged sword in it’s own way. One one side, we miss those we have lost and we get quiet, sad and depressed. Some go to the other side and use their loss, of one they loved to drive them forward inlife and to do good. Each of us are different of that much I am sure.

I have lost my wife of 28 years in 2021 to cancer, and I know about grief for I live with it daily. I find myself, remembering her daily, and even at times talking to her, wishing she were still here with me. I have to say, I lost my grandfather to cancer, my father to cancer, my mother to cancer, even my stepfather to cancer also. And yes eaxh affected me differently in my life when it happened. For you have different relationships with each member of your family and no two can be the same. But, one thing is common in all of them and the loss for each, it does, remind me of my own humanity, my own vunerabilty and depressed me, because I miss the one I lost. Depression, isa natural part of grief I am told, and how you handle the loss and grief is vital to your life. Some of us withdraw and hide from society, and I have done that for the past over two years since my wife passed. I have questioned could I have kept her alive longer, was there something I could have done for her. COuld I have stopped her from dying? I was even accussed of killingh her by someone because I gave her morphine as instructed by the Hospice NUrses and Doctors to kill her pain. All of it affects me daily, as Is it and wonder, and think of how much I miss her.

I know, the depression and the missing of her has stopped me from venturing out and being open to asking another woman to be a part of my life or to date. Fear the intimacy and closeness and losing someone again, that I would be so close with. The commitment it takes to be in such a relationship is big and in the end, no two are the same. So when you lose someone you were with for a long period of time, that relationship, has shaped your life, your thoughts, your emotional makeup and so much more. You suddenly find yourself adrift, lost, alone and tend to aimlessly, try to find a way to hold on, and move forward alone. Then you do not wish to put that depression or feelings on anyone else to burden then, or to impose on them or to have them feeling sorry for you either. So you stand alone, and try o move forward on your own, and find yourself thinking about the missing one you lost, and end up at times staring at their photos, or at times talking to them, when you know they are gone. So, what does one do, to face depression and these emotions and feelings that happen in loss.

My thought on how to overcome all of it is not simple. For grief is something all have to go through at sometime in their life. SO I look at others, I try to talk to others, and in the end, many do not wish to hear it. Some go enough, get over it, move on, let it go. Yet, I can’t, because Iw as so involved and attached to her. Then I come to realize, I am not doing anymore for her, I can’t elp her anymore, I can’t save her anymore, I can’t bring her back and I cry. Then I hide for days on end, embarrassed by showing the emotion or tears and don’t want anyone to see it. It takes time, for those tears to dry up and stop folks. It takes time to make peacxe with yourself, and all you can do, is try to calm down and put it in perspective in your own heart and mind, and try to open up again. Am I wrong if I try to find someone else to be with, am I wrong for wanting to be with a partner again, and to try to find some more joy in my life? I don’t know yet, and it’s now been since August of 2021. I know I miss her, but, how do I stop, myself from comparing her to someone else, of stopping the memories of her from coming up again. Is there a way trough this grief?

I thank Anderson Cooper for his podcast and his thoughts and his discussion with The President of the United States Joe Biden. I think, if both of them can talk about it and give us some direction on to handle it and to deal with it, they have both done us a favor. They have opened up a flood gate for those of us dealing with grief that shows we are not alone in dealing with it all. There are many of us, dealing with it, and in the end, i think all of us, must help one another in someway, even, if it means, finally finding a way to move on and find someone else. It’s the how, that is hard for sure. Yet we all know we must, for we are still lhere and they are gone.

Westborough, Mass. trying to start over !


December 5th, 2023 hs begun for me, it started at 5 am, when I awoke. I have lived now in Westborough, Massachuetts since March of 2022, and find the town a decent place tolive, yet, at 67 years old myself, and being a widower, I do not see any place to meet, any single or widowed women to date or enjoy their company with.

I have looked at bars/ taverns in the area, Red Heat Tavern, JP’s, Central House and even have gone around the corner to the Neighborhood Tavern in Northboro, next door. It seems to me, there is a lack of places for seniors, tpo find or make friends of the opposite sex, just to enjoy their company and no I am not looking for the right now thing. I mean just making friends and getting to know someone, yet, Massachuetts I believe suffers from the nationwide loneliness syndrome that is at large.

I am a widower, and I fear a few things that many men, willnot admit to. 1) is Rejection if I approach a woman, 2) I have anxieties and fears, of course because Iw as married for 28 years and have no idea how to even approacha woman in this day and age. 3) I am not confident, nor do I have a highopinion of my own looks. So, you add it all together and it is rough, living in Westborough, Massachuetts, asa widower and single man, who wants a companion and partrner.

I have a thing on drinking and bars as it is anyway, I grew up not liking it, because I saw too much violence from it. I will drink socially, but, never get drunk I control myself. One drink will last me, a long time. While bars are a place many go to try to find someone, and I understand it, I have never been overly comfortable in them. I am not saying they are horrible,or wrong to exist, just, that, there is always an age factor in them. It’s hard to find one that caters to the elderly crowd that are 60 and up.

Otherwise, Westborough has numerous things the town I grewupin Connecticut had. Numerous bars/ taverns, banks and of course churches. It has many resturants also and people love to eat for sure. It is built around Route 9 here in Massachuetts, and has access to highways all around. BUt, if your new to the area like i am, you know not where to go or what to do here. Aimlessly, searching anddriving around really doesn’t help either in my opinion, becuase if like me your newto the area, you have no idea where anything is happening.

I walk alot outside as I can weather permitting of course, I go to Salomon Pond Mall to walk also when cold. Shopping is plentyful of course here, but, expensive in thelong run, if your on a budget. I went bowling some and we had a group for that but it broke up. Playing billards once a week is fine, and fun. I had hoped to find a female companion here, but so far no luck. It seems, peoplehere stay to their own cliques and keep others out as much as they can. I get the feeling they want nothing to do with anyone new, and they seem to me,be either snobby, or not welcoming of newcommers. Why I do not know, is it me, or is it the area?

Searching for answers to these questions in this area where I live, Westborough, I find no answers. Asking for advice on where to go to meet people, I get answers, like bars/ taverns, breakfast diners, or the all time favorite answer here, The Senior Center. I have gone to the Senior Center twice and not one or nothing is there. So, I find myself flaying about, bored and lonely, which is the opposite of what I expected to be at this point and moving here.

What to do next or how to, I have no real idea now. I wish I had the answers and a way to move forward or meet someone. 1)The problem with being a senior, at 67, and a widower is, we get set in our ways with the partner we had, who passed away. 2) We are no longer as physically able or want to be, we retired. 3) We are not as pretty or handsome as we once were. 4) The dating scene in America is no longer the same as it was in my era, it is now all online, dating sites it seems. 5) I don’t see dances for singles or elders or any type of gathering being held, for my age. 6) In my case I never did learn how to flirt, I was always just me, take me o rleave me, and happy. So, the bottom line comes to this, what doesa senior 67 year old,widower do to find a partner, companion, or female friend and have fun once more in life? Especially here in Westborough, Massachuetts? Anyone have any answers? Let me know, hereon this blog or e-mail me if you wish, wmccurrach20@gmail.com, I would appreciate advice and ideas !.

Thanks, for reading this !

Wondering whats next


I wonder at times, why I live where I do in Westborough, Massachuetts these days. I have lived here since March of 2022. I have driven around the place and tried to find things to do in it, that would be fun or interesting for a man my age of 67 years old. I walk all I can daily trying to stay fit and healthy. I can’t walk outside in the cold of course so I drive to the area mall and walk it for an hour or two. I may eat there if I get hungry.

I have explored some taverns and bars in Westborough and one in Northborough around the corner from me. While the bars and taverns are ok, I am not a drinker, and I get bored fast in them. Westborough has many banks, and churches here and while the banks are for business of course, the churches, I have no interest in. Westborough has Shopping Centers and Auto Dealers a plenty for sure. One Bookstore is it for Westborough. To Bowl you have to go to Shrewsbury or Marlboro, Shrewsbury has Bowlero and Marlboro has The Apex Center. Some have recommended I go to The Senior Center, I have now three times and only once has anything been happening there, a Yard Sale I walked through. As to food, Westborough has plenty of places to eat, if your into food, that is.

While I am not really knocking Westborough as a city/town, I really don’t see much for the Seniors that live here to do. There are no Singles Dances or events for Seniors really that I have found. Movie wise there is a Theather in Marlboro at the Mall I walk. So. what does one do in Westborough, Mass. that is worth doing or fun to do. I am not a Golfer either, I know some like to do that.

When I moved to Westborough and into a 55 plus community here, I thought well this will be fun and there will be people to socialize with and do things with, because, the community itself has clubs and events. Well, I find the people here ok, honestly, but, I am now a widower at 67, and alone. I feel out of place here, I do not have a wife or girlfriend and live alone period. As a single, I feel I do not fit in. I feel like a square peg, trying to fit in a round hole. Now, there are stories of romances happening in such communities, but, intelligence and common sense tell me, no dating of anyone here in the complex it, can only lead to trouble.

I have looked at Dating Sites like Zoosk, Match .com, and others. What I found was, people are not interested in older men, they want money, not relationships. I did try to meet a few women through these apps, one I met and walked with and went to lunch with, but, I found to be controlling, the second I met was a very good looking woman, who lied about her age, and then wanted to go to a bar and drink. The third woman was a nurse who worked many hours a day and I had no attraction to. Most of the women on these dating apps, want younger men and they want a man to provide for them. Sadly, I am not going there. I just want a female companion, friend first, and then see if anything develops. I do not want instant gratification or sex immediately. Dating off the internet, is a bad choice for anyone in my opinion,it doesn’t feel right to me, there are trust issues, fear issues and the possibility of being taken for money. The apps charge to even message someone, none are free.

I do miss my wife, I wish she was here, and I am sad she passed from breast cancer in 2021. I think about her a lot and how I miss her and wish she was still here. I chat in some chat rooms online for entertainment, and many have told me I need help, and should get grief consoling, I have reached out for that and am waiting to see. I do not like, being isolated or as one woman called me a drifter or a lone wolf, I wish I had someone, but I don’t. I fear trying and getting shot down, rejection happens easy to the elderly. I get down on myself and at times depressed, and I don’t go anywhere unless i must, these days. Doctors, Dentists, or Shopping is it. I take short drives, just to get out.

In the end, as I told my sister, I am not moving again, I don’t wish to go through it again. So, as I told her, the condo I live in is it and this is probaly where I shall pass and join my wife. Many times i find myself talking to myself and her photo, telling her I will be with her soon enough, because one can not live in isolation for too long. I have surrendered to the inevitable, that shall happen. Some days I just wish it, would happen, in my sleep. I refuse to be pitied, or to impose on anyone else, or to be a burden to anyone. So time shall tell what comes next, for me, but unless you have a reason to go on, a purpose or motovation for living, you do tend to surrender and give up. It’s not easy to live in isolation, alone, by yourself and scarred or unable to connect because you can’t, face rejection, and have low esteem. Like I told some before, I am like those two guys in that old movie called Grumpy Old Men that starred Jack Lemon and Water Matheu. Feeling lost and stuck and noplace to go. Thats how my life is to me. Can it, will it change for me, I don’t see it happening really, but time shall tell !

December 1st, 2023 begins !


December 1st, 2023, clear skies outside and was 26 degrees when I awoke at 6:00 am. It’s a friday folks and for most it is the end of a work week and the beggining of the weekend when the work day is done. It is now past Thanksgiving and Christmas lights began before the turkey day came by. I never have looked forward to the holiday season, because it only depresses me, I am alone and when my wife was alive we would prepare together for all of it. Now I have no reason, to do any of it, the decorating, the present buying, the wrapping all just reminds me of her. So I stay to myself and hide in my 596 square foot condo I call my cell. I am old so, I guess, being 67, and with no one to share, anything or to converse with, gets to one for sure. I may be a member of the loneliness syndrome that is in America these days, and I believe there is no way out of it at my age.

As December starts today, I find myself, scarred to venture out to find anyone to be with. Age is one factor for sure, and then you add in the missing of my deceased wife and the life we lived for 28 years and wala, it’s just depresses me, to think she is gone. I miss the warmth of her near me, the touch of her hand and smile, I miss her laughter and her style. I miss the quiet moments and the caring and sharing times, and I think back and talk to her in my mind. I find myself staring at her picture, and talking to her, like she is still here. Even though I know she has been gone for over 2 years. Am I crazy or losing it, I do not know, but, I am alone and no place to go.

I find myself at times just laying around and suddenly I wake up after laying down. I stare at a tv, or out my windows, and watch people going to and fro, and I still know, I have no where or one with whuch to go. I am like a Grumpy Old Man from that old movie, shuttling back and forth to stores and Doctors and Dentists, is all I do. I say hello to people as I go by, smile and laugh and talk like I am a happy guy. Under it all, I just do it to, get back to my condo cell, to be true. I feel out of place, like I do not belong, knowing nothing will happen and no love will come along. You can’t find someone to share life with, if your anxieties and fears stop you and shit. You can’t get pass the memories you see, and fear you will lose again, so you stay free. grief gets you down and you struggle on through, knowing each day is taking more out of you. The struggle to just wake up is one thing, the struggle to try to do anything. I try to walk when I can for air and exercise you see, but even now that energy is leaving me. I don’t have the motivation to be or do anymore, without her with me. The pain is inside the tears I do cry, eat away at me. I hide them from all I pass by, I smile and laugh and sometimes I sigh, yet inside my spirit hurts so, and I know I shall never be whole.

So I write these days on these blogs you see, just to express what is inside me. The pain and loneliness, have a hold on me. I can’t escape it don’t you see. I avoid everyone I can, I refuse to be a burden or impose on any woman or man. I know I am far from perfect you see, I see all my flaws in me, I know I can be rude and crude, and mean, at times you see, I know I am not a pretty man to see. My age is showing each day more and more, my face is old and I am sore. I know I am old and grey, I guess I know I shall die someday. We all know we can not be here on earth forever you see, and I wonder how soon, God shall come for me. Will it be in daylight, or will it be at night, will I feel it hit me, or or not I think, then I think, it won’t matter you see, for no one here, will ever miss me.

When I was young, I used to run, the air in my hair and do so for fun. Now, I walk at a slow pace, and know I am slowly losing life’s race. I don’t worry any more about dying, I only care to stop crying. I find myself praying to join my wife, in the place they call the after life. All is arranged, in all ways I can, to join her in the eternal sleep and grave, we shall share. Instructions are written to place me with her, I hope it will happen, the way I request, for eternity is forever you see, and with her is where I want to be. My eyes water up, the tears do form, even as I wtite this and I go on. I think no matter where I go, or what I do, I shall always be missing her, every moment I live. For she gave me so much love and the will to live.

So as I face the December of my life, I know now, I miss my wife. December is the darkess time, of cold and winter and memories in my mind. The Holiday Season for many is Joy and Happiness and it was once for me. But now without her, it all depresses me. So I hide and stay far away, from all around me each day, I do not wish to drag anyone down, or impose or be a burden to those around. I know, for me, I could not bear, harming, hurting or dragging anyone down, so I stay alone and just watch all go by, all around. Welcome to December all, I hope your Holidays are a ball ! Be well, be happy, after all !

Politics and Facts !


November 30th, 2023 has arrived, it’s 27 degrees outside and clear skies. An announcement has come across the media air waves of the death of Henry Kissinger the Secretary of State for The United States under Richard Nixon’s Presidency. Kissinger was brillant and negeotiated many peace plans in the middle east and advised many Presidents. His imput and knowledge will bear a imprint on American policies for many decades to come, amazingly he lived to 100 years old. The world should mourn his passing, for such a man did all he knew how to keep peace.

Be prepared next for the possible passing of James Earl ( Jimmy) Carter next. He has just buried his wife of 77 years, and the love of his life and he himself is 99 years old and in poor shape. He came out of hospice to be at her services, and he will miss her immemsely I am sure. President Carter was right about so many things during his Presidency, yet he was overlooked and ignored since he left office politically of course, but his humanitarian ways, help millions upon millions. The homes he built for people who would never have had them, are unbelieveable and his giving and caring is immense and a great tribute to him as a human being. I hope many Americans and people of the world will realize the loss, it will be when he passes and the loss of his wife was to the world too.

Thats said, as we go forward, the wars shall continue in Gaza and in Ukraine too. Evil knows no bounds folks, the Russians and Putin are just greedy and as all know Hamas’s attack on Israel was insane, and should never have happened. None they cry for relief Hamas and are giving back the people they kidnapped to try to reset themselves and hide themselves to survive. But I am with Israel, they want their people back and to destroy Hamas and I agree, anytime such a political party becomes a rogue group of terriorist and attacks innocent people who are peaceful, they deserve to be eradiacated. No one should have to live with such people next to themand have to worry about such attacks again.

As life goes on in the world, we face so many hurdles to overcome, so many roads to walk down and so many decisions, as to how the world will survive, enviromentally, and how humanity can get along and keep peace. The biggest question mankind must face is whether we as human beings can get along, live in peace and prevent the destruction of our planets enviroment. Mankind I remind all, is the only species, that kills itself off, by using up the resources it has and need to survive and by wars which destroy and kill it’s own kind. It is a sad fact, is what I say. I wish at some point mankind would realize it has to get along and take care of the world instead of heading toward it’s destruction by pollution, wars and more. Are we that blind, not to see, what we are doing?

We are currently at place in history as human neings, where we think, we can do as we please, with the world and it’s climate. I remind all, climate change is a fact, changes are happening, the oceans shall rise, the land masses will reduce as the iceburgs melt. The climate is shifting, and science has proven it to be so, we have polluted our own enviroment and caused what is coming, will we as a species end ourselves?

Politically, I watch America as it heads towards a major decision on it’s own fate. If at sometime America does not stop Donald J. Trump, America will fall from a democracy and a republic, into a status ripe for takeover by the communist party and autocratic societies of the world. DOnald J. trump is the biggest threat to America, since Adolf Hitler. He wants to attack his opponents and use our military to do so. He wants to get the Presidency and cause what he did in his term in office, ten times over and get revenge for an election lose he can not accept. He lost period, he should have accepted that lose, conceded and walked away, instead he incited a major riot,an insurrection, and attacked Congress. This is not the way a President should have acted, nor is it acceptable in my opinion. Sadly, some Americans are backing and supporting this man again, as he attempts to run for office once more. It is like a bunch of Hitler Youths following Hitler in my opinion, they are being led by a demogue down a path of destruction, and destroying what is a republic and democracy in the greatest country the world has seen, America. I remind all, Donald J. Trump could not sell trump Water, trump Steaks, he could not create his so called Trump University and took people for millions in New York not just using fraud, but also in cheating contractors also. He failed to build his so called wall between America and Mexico, he told Americans to drink bleach to kill covid, I remind you bleach is poisonious to mankind. This is a man who passed a tax plan yes, but it wasn’t for you or I, it was for him an dhis rich friends only, you didn’t benefit from it I am sure. He didn’t want to turn ove rthe White House Denied he lost the election, and incited violence against his own country. He then slunk out of office, and took with him Top Secret Documents to his home residence in Mar A Lago, and showed them to people without any clearance to see them, our enemies. He then refused to give them back, why? What do you think he was doing with them and why would he have them, if not for a purpose that is not legal, and personal gain. He has been sued now many times over for sexual harrassment, found libel for it and brags about it. He currently hasa record of 2 Impeachmenst in one Presidential Term, 4 indictments since, 91 charges of felonies, and people still believe he is innocent, come on folks, be real. Yet, republicans still back this man, I remind them age difference between Trump and Biden is 3 years, it matters not in 2024. Trump is mentally unstable in my opinion and he should be removed from all ballots. There are 7 states out there where Trump attempted to throw out the people’s votes, by creating false electors and fake elector ballots to overturn BIden’s win ! DO they realize if Trump got away with this the election process in America would be gone now, and we would not have a say in how out governement and country is run today? Are we about to become a dictatorship, or a autocratic nation, or a communist nation, because that is where we are headed if Trump wins in 2024, stop him now! Be smart, keep out Democracy and Republic, I remind all what Benjamin Franklin said immediately following the signing of our Constitution, “We now have a republic and a democracy, we shall only keep it as long as we protect it and defend it !”

Let me close this blog with this: What do you think Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, Adams, Washington, would have done to a man who did what Trump has done to America ? Do you think Washinton, Jefferson, Adams, and the Founding Fathers would allow Trump to survive what he did ? I remind all Benedict Arnold gave plans to The Brttish and was banned from America and would have been hung if captured, Trump has done ten times the damage to America and still is running for the Presidency? If this were the 1700’s, 1800’s, Trump would have been arrested, jailed and hung by now, in my opinion, no way the founding fathers would allow this ! DO me a favor Americans. wake up, and stop Trump, Lock Trump Up and throw away the key ! He is the biggest danger to this country, since Benedict Arnold, and deserves to be handled in the same way as Arnold was or worse !