Cancer is a deadly killer and Doctors and researchers world wide look for solutions and cures for it daily, twenty four hours a day. Billions upon billions, is spent in research looking for the solutions, and some progress is being made. Some cancers can be fought, held off and a few even cured, but how many can’t, is what the problem is.
I make these points for one reason and one reason only I have seen too many people die from cancers of different kinds like pancreatic, liver and breast cancers and one from ovarian cancer. I can list the people I have lost to cancer, as follows: 1973, my first girlfriend came down with ovarian cancer, she was the first girl I ever kissed, she would die at 60 years old from it and fought it all her life.
Before her was my Grandfather on my mother’s side, he went from prostate cancer, 1971, as I said first girlfriend 73, my Father 1982 Lung Cancer, My Step-father- 1990 Lung Cancer, My Mother 1991 Lung Cancer and I received a break from it in the mid 1980s through the 1990’s and into the 2000s.
Then it came again beginning in 2006, it hit my second wife, breast cancer, I sat through her radiation and chemo treatments watched her puke and vomit and recover and it go into recession. I thought I had finally seen the end of cancer in my life, until my phone rang in August of 2013, and I wa shit with it myself, I had Lung Cancer. It was only stage one, ad I was very lucky they caught it at a Veterans Hospital during a survey they did. They removed a lobe and one third of my right lung and since no recurrence for me so far. But cancer doesn’t surrender it doesn’t get beat easily, it came back to hit my second wife again in 2016, this time as breast cancer, then moving to her bones and now her arm tissues and is all stage 4. They radiate her arm because it is the size of two 48 ounce baseball bats, trying to take it down so she can live and stop her pain. It’s throughout her body now in her spine, ribs, shoulder and arms and flowing through her bloodstream. How long she will last is a question I ask myself each day. I get up each day hoping she wakes up and is still with me, and live one day at a time trying to deal with the facts. I cook and clean and then help her dress and feed her, and watch her sleep[ endless hours after radiation treatments.
The radiation treatment sessions are done now on her arm and it did not do what the doctors promised or said it would, the arm is still huge. Her back and spine hurts her if she sits up too long or stands too long, it’s in her spine. Each day is a mystery and a waiting game, and the thoughts go through my mind, will she wake up each time she passes out, will she wake up the next morning, how long will it be before the cancer that rages in her bloodstream kills her and leaves me alone, by myself?
We made some arrangements in case of course we set up a Living Trust between us and for us both. I have made a list of things to do in the event of the inevitable of course. Who to contact and inform, how she wants buried and where, plots are bought, but still more needs done. I need to find the paperwork she has hidden from the Cemetary plots, we bought. What grave stone, what kind of cremation company and box to put her in? So many thoughts in my mind as I race to try to deal with it all daily. Doctors to take her to, Cancer centers, radiologist, Oncologist, pain meds. prescriptions, how to get her comfortable to sleep. All play into taking care of her at home.
Feeding her when she is hungry on demand, trying to get her to eat and take her meds, getting her a shower, helping her brush her teeth, changing her underwear and clothing and dressing her. All a part of taking care of her each day. I know, I know some will think it is me crying and think I am complaining I am not I do it voluntarily and I don’t walk away and never will or would, I love her. It’s just trying to deal with it all and prepare for what will happen, when it happens.
Preparations have been made and a list prepared to follow for myself when she does go. She goes the primary will be to put her where she wants to be for eternity, and i will do so. Once she is gone what then I ask?
Well I have to prepare to live the rest of my life without her, so the house will have to be cleaned out, the things never used sold, the house cleaned and sold out right and I will need an apartment of my own a small one. What will I live on my military disability payments and social security is it. I will sell the house for whatever amount I can get for it within reason, I can’t afford to keep it going on my own nor do I need it, too big. I will go to a disability housing apartment, and bring what furniture I can transfer all utilities and live in peace the best I can.
I know I will never get married again, nor will I love another like I do her.I need to be a realist to survive when she does go on me. So I know no other way to deal with death to those I love than to be realistic and survive and hold on for as long as I can. I have watched them die one by one, over the years now family and friends I am 62 going on 63, I have to be practical, logical and use common sense. Dealing Cancer is not easy for anyone in their lives, including me, but when will cancer stop chasing me and those in my life, when will it end and where? How does one keep going and fighting for so long against a deadly disease that kills all around them, and has already attacked me personally and i survived it now for the last 5 years? So what can I do next, I can just tell all of it it, ask all to fight it too, give to : The FIGHT AGAINST CANCER, Donate to The National Cancer Foundation, and any organization you can think of that fights Cancer, Help Kill Cancer Before It Kills You and Those You Love!