There are Moments!

We all live life in our own ways and we make our own decisions on who we shall be, who we are and what we can do with who and what we are. Some of us choose to keep going and never give up through thick and thin and others of us can’t make it through and give up before our natural end. I don’t condemn, nor regret and I don’t give up, never have no matter what. Life is an adventure folks, it’s a mapped out path we have no idea what it leads to for each of us. But, destiny is not something we can control, but we can mold it, form it, use it and direct it to the best of our abilities and make it work so we live lives that count to more than just ourselves.

Some of us live and get rich, we get lucky, we have circumstances that lead us to being rich and powerful and then don’t know what to do with it. I was never one of those people for I came from a family that both parents worked in, there were five of us, as kids and two adults dedicated to getting us to adulthood. Yes, childhood was not easy for me, the way  it went in my family was easy, the eldest one was mom’s baby boy her favorite, he got all she could give to any kid, and she handed him anything he wanted, that she could possibly do.

I was number two, the one that got the worst part of it all at home, the one beat upon, by mom, the one the father figure beat on and used like a dog to build a home and never say thank you to. I was the problem child I was told, I had emotional issues they said, we can’t handle you is what I was told when I was put away for two years, at 10 years old. I was emotionally unstable they said, I laugh today at the thoughts and words they threw at me for two years. I was institutionalized, put away and told I may never go home again. I fought back, I was never emotionally disturbed, I suffered from wants and needs and attention deficit disorder and hyperactivity. My mind raced faster than the kids around me, and I was always a thousand miles ahead of others, but silent about it all holding it inside. No one knew or understood it, not the welfare workers and Social Workers, nor my parents or teachers, they couldn’t understand it because they had never seen anyone like me. I was a child who learned to read music at 5 years old, I was a child who was reading novels and poems and books by age 8. I was a child lost in comic books and who decided competition was worthless for me, because I knew if I competed I could run away with so many things they would hate me for it, so I stopped trying and got lackadaisical. That was who I was and am today. I write books, I care for my wife and I miss my two daughters and grandchildren too, but I go on.

The third child behind me was a brother, he fought to be recognized and loved by his father and that man didn’t care two shits for him. So he fought for attention and failed but he was gifted in many ways, he played four instruments, he was an artist, he drew beautiful pieces of art he left behind. He went overboard trying to get approval from his father and was ignored, cast aside and beat upon. He died at 30 years old in a California Hospital for HIV Patients from drugs. Tells you how that went doesn’t it, by the time his father got around to realizing he was alive both of them were dying at one time, the boy of Aids the father of Cancer, they would die the same year months apart a country wide separation between them. Neither gave in and both died lonely, believe me.

The Fourth child was a daughter she had it all being the only girl. We built her her own room all done in pink paneling and pink carpets with with and gold inlaid beds and dressers. She came and went as she pleased and of course as she grew she was protected by her brothers, who ultimately left her behind to go on in their own lives. The girl got in trouble, got pregnant and married and then divorced and then married again and then divorced again. By 50 she was married twice with three grown children and two ex-husbands. Yet she kept a positive outlook on life even if she was ignored by her parents growing up, and she grew up to write books and published them, and helped others along the way, always smiling and trying to stay positive.

The fifth child I have no idea where he went or what he grew up to be, but I do know he has talent to draw, art is his thing he loved it, in all forms especially comic book art, I know I showed him the comics when he was small. He had an accident as a child and got hit by a car and he has never been the same. in many ways, but he has survived and carried on and has been married at least twice now. last I knew he is living a peaceful existence in a home he owns and works out of daily as a Pest Engineer. Funny, how life turns out isn’t it, none of the five of us really talk or see each other much now a days, we each live different lives.

My sister and I talk a lot and we stay in touch, and she lives less than ten miles away, and we barely see each other, maybe if we are lucky, 3 or four times a year. If I get sick she will come running, if she is in danger or hurt or needs help I go help her the best I can and always will. But for the rest of them, the separation is a gulf wide from me and I find it sad. But I live my own life, mind my own and do the best i can writing, and living a life I rebuilt after my divorce.

Yes I have children two daughters who live 500 miles away with their mother in another state. We were married for 12 years, ten together and two in separation while she decided whether she really wanted to divorce me. Now unlike most men, I did not screw around on my first wife, I did not beat her or my children or do anything wrong. The problem was hers from her childhood not mine, her father was a pervert and sexually abused her as a child and it came roaring back as an adult in her. She tried and I tried it couldn’t last, because in the end she transferred that balme to me, and tried to have me put away for it, by lying to the courts and law and having me arrested for it all. In the end the truth came out, and i was released my record cleaned up and I came home leaving behind the two most precious things I had in life because i had no choice my daughters. I battled back and recovered though, it took me 14 years to see them again and they were grown and are doing ok on their own no thanks to their parents for sure. Life is strange in many ways, believe me.

Yet as I sit here today this is where I am at, I write blogs, I write poetry and I write short stories and books for all to read. I try to sell them on Amazon’s Kindle E-books and if I had an editor or publisher I might be able to make a few bucks doing so, but I don’t so I just keep at it and hope is all. I tell stories and I speak truths, I make up fables and more, but in the end all it does is relieve a little pressure for me, and I use it as a relief valve so to say. Am I wrong for doing so, I think not, for all of us need a way to handle stress, tension, loses and life as it goes on for us don’t we?

Currently, I am fighting to keep my current wife alive each day. Cancer is a nasty word in my life and I have seen it far too much. It started showing up in my life at age 18, when the first girl I ever kissed came down with ovarian cancer. She would last till age 62, and fought one hell of a battle doing so. She was brave and smart and pert and cute too, just we didn’t fit well together.

First was mom’s father, he got hit with pancreatic cancer in 1971 and died in a nursing home.

Then came the surprise, when it hit my real father in 1984 and took him, He was a young 55 years old, when he died and he left behind 9 children, two by my mother and the rest by a second wife. Did I know him well no, I wasn’t allowed to by my mother, but I did meet him twice.

Next came, my step-father, he died at 59 years old of lung cancer and one year and one day later my mother went and followed him the same exact way. The world was lonely and getting lonelier each day it seemed, and I bordered on thoughts of suicide, but fought back and survived.

I met my Ms. Amazing one evening at a singles dance, we danced the night away and never stopped now 25 years later. We laughed, we cried, we survived and we strived. I helped her financially save her home and we bought one together, that was seven years after we met. I cosigned a loan for her and we paid the bills barely and then sold the home she so dearly loved and built years before with her first husband. We bought another in a new town and moved in together and rebuilt it in the image she loved, why because I didn’t care what the house color was, what the insides were, as long as I had her. She smiled my life lit up, she laughed I laughed, she cried I cried, it was our life. She helped me go back to school and college and get a degree I never had or thought I would get at 40 years old. But I got it and made it through and am the only one in my family to ever have gotten one, what would mom have thought I wondered.

Now, it is 25 years since I met Ms Amazing as I call my wife. I sat by her through her first bout of breast cancer, chemo and radiation in 2006 and she survived. Then 7 years later she sat by and watched me, survive lung cancer thanks to the Veterans Administration and their care and Hospital. I didn’t need radiation or chemo myself, just surgery, they took a lobe and one third of my right lung. I came back fast from it with her support. Now we came upon January 2016, and the call came once more, her breast cancer was back, the battles would begin a new. We keep fighting each day now in 2018, we went through drugs of all kinds, we have contacted Doctors of all kinds, specialist, we have tried believe me.  It is now June 2018, she sleeps in a lazyboy recliner in our living room, I sleep on the couch next to her, each night. I watch her breathe in the morning to see if she is still with me. I take her to the doctors and Cancer Centers, and I pray each day she survives.

Her second bout with Chemo will start shortly, after they instill a new port in her . It will be three weeks on and one week off for her and I will sit by her side through it all, and pray. All I can say is this, I pray each day.

If you wish to know more, that’s fine too, I did write a short story on her a while back, few have even bothered to read it, but it sits on Amazon under the following location if anyone wants to see it.

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