I did all I could while here and that is all, one man, can do!


When you reach your sixties, you really stop looking back anymore unless someone out of your past makes you. Looking back I have finally realized is not worth it anymore, except for comparing things going on in your present so you don’t make the same mistakes twice. It’s called going on two biases to make a decision, one a comparative look at the past and why you did what you did and then, looking at the present and what is going on and comparing it to do what you must to advance your life, your loved ones life, or financial or personal standing or reputation.

Aging is a process we all do, and as we age we mature, we learn what is acceptable by society and what isn’t, we learn the laws, the principals and the morals and ethics better. We rely on ethics, morals and principals to make our decisions in the present along with the memories of the past decisions we already have lived through. So when a decision must be made we make it for the good of ourselves, and all of the ones we love, in such a way it will not affect our lives at all.

It takes an average human being whether male or female many years to mature. We all mature at different rates and every now and then you find one or two who may never mature, because they resist it. I have seen some and just ignore them and move away from them.

Aging is a process all humans must face, out bodies give out, our teeth, our back or limbs, artritis sets in or muscle sprains and aches. We limp along still smiling for public consumption and we refuse to give up. But, not all of us are mentally strong enough to keep going, nor do all of us have the tolerance for pain, we each feel pain at different levels and our systems have their limits both physically and mentally. I know I have mine and currently I am getting to the breaking point physically, but I refuse to surrender yet.

My grandfathers on both sides, died at the same age 71. They reached their limits from cancer, and I am 63 now. I tire of pain of all kinds, physically, and try to avoid mental pain in anyway I can. I have suffered enough in my life I believe and I need no more. I had a rough childhood, and as I grew older rough other experiences too, it caused PTSD from my childhood and my military life too. So I try to stay safe by avoiding any involvement with people who will try to hurt, antagonize, upset or anger me in anyway.

As a child I lived in a fantasy world of comic books to survive real life. As a young adult I reached out to teach others art, and help them overcome personal problems or family problems while avoiding my own. I had surrogate parents replacing the ones that hurt me and surrogate siblings I called friends too. It’s was all a part of my life I have lived.

I struggled in the military at first, because I had a hard time understanding rank and position until I reached some myself. I overcame all of it in my military life and served 16 years, not bad ya ask me. I learned in the end how to fit in and make it work for me, was by emulating those above me, and learning what they knew. It worked for me in the end.

I tried my damnious in my first marriage to make it work, but, in the end it wasn’t I who wanted the divorce it was her. I had no choice at the time to leave my two daughters behind I had no place ot care for them and no way to do it by myself as a man.

I overcame this later by finding them, contacting them, explaining to them and trying to help them from afar. I am not rich enough to be traveling 500 miles at a clip each way in today’s society and economy. They are holding their own in their own ways and living their own lives and raising their own now.

I do not justify what I did as right or wrong only as necessary at the time I did it. I apologized, I tried to make the relationships work as best I could with both of them. If it pays off in the end I will see, if it doesn’t I have done all I could do.

It doesn’t stop the mental pain, it doesn’t kill the physical pains, an dt sure as hell doesn’t stop the emotional turmoil I live with daily for leaving them behind, but I struggle through. I have no choice, life doesn’t stop for anyone or thing, it rolls on until we are no more and them they dispose of our bodies by cremation or burial, put up a gravestone with your name on it, the day ya were born and the day you died. Your life enters the history books and is either remembered for what you did and what you left behind, or is forgotten for all time.

Accepting all of the above is part of maturity, growing older and knowing what is coming next. We all have to do so sooner or later don’t we folks?

I know as I sit here today, my last hope to accomplish anything is my writing of books, poems and taking care of my wife and our home. The simple things are now more vital to me than any money, any competition, any material belongings. What counts is I did all I could to make the world better, I gave a part of myself in all ways I can, I really believe I don’t have anything more to give, if I do it would be in minor ways.

I said it once and I will say it again here for all to read: There has been a constant battle between Mother Nature and Father Time for all eternity and it will be here long after I am gone. In the end my time is limited by both mother nature, human nature and time, and Father Time will win if your human or animal. Our time comes and we all know it when things begin to show it in our bodies and minds. I know I am facing it daily as I am sure many others are too. Acceptance is all we can do and prepare for what comes, by setting up for our own burials, cremations, Wills and Trusts and more before we go. Mine is all prepared with an approved request for Military Burial, and A Trust to take care of all once my wife and I are gone.

We are not rich, and there is never and will never be enough of us to be left behind to commemorate us or honor us, but, for our children and grandchildren we have tried to create memories and good times. I am not perfect, I am far from it, and I know when I die, more than likely no one will cry over me or miss me. Yet, I did all I could while here and that is all one man can do!

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