The Loss is Hard for Sure!

Things have changed for my life now, ever since my wife of 28 years, went down in a fall at 3am in the morning on a Saturday. The fall has taken her away from me now, and when I do get to see her in the Rehabilitation Hospital, she is not the same woman, I married.

Sadly, the fall caused some severe damage to her not only physically but mentally also. She thinks slower, speaks slower, and can’t fully focus mentally. She has physical problems on top of it all. Her right side is weak and she unable to stand or walk as she has lost her right leg, totally, no feeling, no ability to lift or move it, is left to her. So, she has been bed ridden since the fall and I go see her as much as I can, but I have had to adapt to life, minus her, it seems.

The void of her being gone is deafening to me! This big old house is empty, and our cats keep looking for her, they wander and look around for her and she is going on her second week gone. I wonder each day if she can make it back at all now, the brain bleed from the fall took so much of her away now. sadly, a once fully functional, smart, intelligent woman, with a great sense of humor, that I love so much, is nowa shadow of herself. How far a rehabilitation facility can bring her back is questionable to me. I know they are rated highly for their work, but she is now 8o years old, and very weak, I am surprised looking at her, that she is still alive and with the world. I feel everytime I speak or see her she is fading slowly, but fading, and if she does leave me and the world, I pray it will be painless for her.

For 28 years it has been her and I against the world, we fought to survive and we did well. We bought our home and redid it in her colors and styles and it became ours. We helped many along in their lives too, by renting rooms to people. When we finally became without others in our home, the fall occurred and the loneliness alone could get me in and of itself.

Without her, I feed myself daily, which is ok, because i have always been the cook here. But, no company to snuggle to, to hold, to help with financial matters and to pay the bills i struggle to get it done right each day. I miss the conversations, the laughter, the arguments even. Damn I just miss my wife, and that hurts!.

I get up each day and roll out of bed, and the first thing is her on my mind and she stays there all day as I call and check on her, for she is 51 one miles away now. So I call her, and we talk as long as she can, and i go see her as much as I can, every other day. So, small she seems now, so weak and fragile it scares me, but I know, if she does depart this world she is in a place, that will make and keep her safe and without pain as much as possible. I don’t want her to suffer and feel the pain, yet she is in many ways.

The physical pain is minimum right now, but I can see her mental struggles each day I see her. And for a woman who raised two children, and has one surviving right now and I am her second husband, I am losing sight of who she really is anymore, sadly.

I pray each day, some breakthrough will happen and she can walk again, but that is now becoming less a chance each day she is down this way. her right leg does not function at all and her right arm is practically useless. Her left arm is swollen up due to her cancer and lymphoma, it is useless. The weakness is bad and I can see how bad it is everytime I see her and walk into her room. The Doctors and nurses do all they can for her of course, but the outlook seems bleak to me now. This type of fall and accident for an 80 year old woman wa snot good and there was nothing I could do to stop it, and that hurts me inside.

So each day, I get up and look around an empty big old house and it is silent now, except for myself and our two cats who get up and search for her daily. They miss her and keep looking for her to come home each day when I exit and come back in. But, no, she isn’t and hasn’t come back as of yet. All I have is faith and hope and a prayer each day, that by some miracle or work of God, she can return to me. In the end I am coming to the realization, it probably will not happen, each time i see her in person. where I will go, what I will do, without her I can not imagine right now, We were always like ching and chang, one relying on the other, now I am alone and it hurts. The pain wells up and I tea rup thinking of her and missing her daily. Hanging on to hope and faith is not easy, in this case and I do pray to GOD, that if she does depart That God welcomes her fully and with open arms and keeps her safe. Until then I shall keep plowing ahead and hoping and doing all I can.

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