AUGUST 6TH, 2021,
The day begins slowly after a long restless nite of up and down and checking my wife to see if she is still alive and breathing. She is hanging on and I know not why anymore, except the good Lord has not called her, as of yet.
The cancer rages in her brain and body and bloodstream and I know it, she can not walk, and she can barely talk to say ouch or I love you, to me. No converstaions take place at all the silence is deadly in and of itself here, in this big old house, now.
The cats went yesterday, because they would climb up in her hospital bed and try to cuddle to her face, causing her to cough and difficulty in breathing. I gave them away to her sister’s brotherinlaw who said he needed comapnions and company now.
I am slowly pulling boxes from the shelves in my garage I built with my friend years ago, to try to get my car and truck in my garage, and that never happened really. Now the boxes are being opened and piles are being made as to what to do with these item we haven’t seen or touched in 21 years, that must go. I am making piles, one for her daughter to see and go through. One for the garbage, one for tag sale and one for sale of the better items so to say.
IT has to be done anyway, before I can empty the house and move to an apartment for a single/ disabled, senior and veteran like myself. It has become slowly a way to keep myself busy and my mind going and my heart from breaking. I push through each day, slowly, talking to myself, emptying boxes, talking to my sister who has come to visit and help me, some too.
I stop what I am doing when she wakes, to get her changed by nurses aids I pay for and those provided by Hopsice Care. They change her, wash her, and check her vitals, three times a week it is three times a day, the rest is twice a day.
I am beoming emotionally drained and crying on a daily basis. I find myself feeling guilty for wishing she would pass soon and go comfortablly. I find myself hoping for her sake it is painless and she will be fine, in doing so.
I feel guilty in a way for I am hoping it will happen sooner then later for the longer it goes on the more chance of it being painful for her and the more it will drag me down mentally, and emotionally. At time I tell myself someone will come one day and find me in bed next to her and us both dead. Then my sister tells me not to talk that way and do something, to stay busy.
I watch television shows, movies and binge series on HBO Max. Netflix and other channels. I write blogs here and try to share the experience with those who will read it. I sometimes wonder if i made the right choice in bringing her home under Hospice, but then I realize she is safer with me, in her own home, and they were not going to take good care of her anyway and never did where she was, in a Facility.
So many thoughts go through a person’s mind when you are trying to deal with a dying person in your home. What to feed them how to feed them, can I clean and change her? What do I do when she does slip away and who do I call then?
The memories of our 28 years together echo again and again in my mind the good times and the bad. The work and the care we gave to others, the help we provided to friends and family together, the roomers we took on and lived with and gave a place to live, who are now, long gone. All come to mind and I deal with much of it in spurts of tears, self-pity, wondering where I go next, what do I do, once it all ends.
I find myself thinking back in time to my younger days when I first heard of cancer in 1970, when my grandfather died of it. Then I find me reeling through the years mentally, as I remember my real father died of it, my mother died of it, my step-father died of it and I had lung cancer in 2013 and survived it. Now my wife and I have been fighting this in her since 2006, now it is 2021, 15 years later and still we fight, but I know we shall lose it, in her case. The tears start rolling down my face when I stop to think of it.
I have prayers I say to myself and I beg god to end her pain and mine too. I wonder will I survive her dying of it or will I really go, with her. Only the Good Lord knows for sure.
For now each day is a struggle, I check her often, I have television and X-box and my computer, books if I wish and boxes of a lifetime together to empty and clean up. The silence resounds in my mind and heart and it aches me, for where there was voices and laughter and tears and yes, even some arguing, there is nothing, anymore.
, So, I shall keep trying to make it through this, probaly alone soon for my sister can’t stay forever, and she must go home, soon. That means it’s me, the big house and my dying wife, alone then.
l I wil order food online and have it shipped here by stores and go on til it is over I hope. Unless my spirit snaps and breaks and I go with her, when she dies. Time shall tell now!