September 20th, 2021, today marks a month since my wife was buried, and laid to rest. I have had many hard days and nights since her death. Sleep is not easy for me and I know I should sleep more,yet my body and mind do not cooperate.
The human mind can play tricks upon the human body. It tends to run amok at times with memories and feelings that one gets. I personally know for a fact my mind races ahead with thoughts of the past and what I have to do next, as I also try to find a future for myself. I am currently in a place mentally where I can accept the fact my wife died due to cancer, yet, my heart tends to wish she didn’t of course. To divide the heart and mind in such a way is far from easy, yet in my case it does go that way.
For the longest time I could not stop blaming myself for my wife dying. I would stop and think about her and my mind would ask myself questions. When cancer is involved as it was with her, you must make choices for her or others like her who were victims. We fought her cancer together for 16 years folks. 16 years of cat scans, mris, pet scans, chemo, radiation, and immunio-theraphy. 16 years of Doctors, Appointments, Prescriptions, and more. Some have no idea of the fight we fought, or what it involved. The ones who do, are either the actual patients or spouses or survivers of the cancer victims, who sat with them through it all and in the end had to bury them. For it is the ones who took care of them, loved them, who made their passing as painless as possible, who felt the pain the worse, of those who are here still. We feel the loss of their presence, the loss of their laughter, their tears, their voices and their minds and hearts. For in the end we are the ones who really loved them most.
In the time since my wife passed, I have been on an emotional roller coaster when I hear her name. Up one moment and in tears the next. Mankind is a social animal, we love others and we socialize and pick who we spend our time and lives with. They are the ones we are attracted to,, the ones we interact with ,the best, ones who get us, the best and we get them. So you see, missing someone who has passed is a normal reaction. There is no right way to grieve, there is no wrong way to grieve, there is only one certain fact, upon their death and that is you will grieve period. How long, or how you grieve is never the same for any two people. We all do it differently and in the end, there is and always will be a point, when it is only the good memories that stay with you or I.
Humanity has it’s faults, and all of us, no matter what our sex, go through these things, differently. Our age when it happens to someone in our lives, attributes to our reactions also. The younger one is the faster one who rebounds and starts to recover, the older one recovers a lot slower. The closer your were to the loved one who passed, the harder it is of course, also. I know, I am going through, it all.
For a good while, I was sad, and blamed myself. I found out I was wrong to do so. When dealing with a deadly disease, in another person, we tend to blame ourselves for our failure to stop what is happening. I know I blamed myself, I thought many things as it was happening. What can I do to stop the cancer, what can I do to keep her comfortable, what does she need to eat, what kind of help should she have. Do I leave her in a Nursing Home to die, or bring her home under hospice care? So many questions went through my mind, how do I pay for it all, what will it cost and where will she be most comfortable?
Hospitals and care facilities cost money folks, and insurances don’t cover everything needed. You have to be broke to qualify for medcaid, and medicare only covers so much. Ultimately you have to make a decision, as to how to not go broke yet, take care of your loved one. I was faced with that decision as my wife was dying. I had to make choices and decisions for her.
I found her insurance Medicare running out on her and in the end I had to make the choice to bring her home under medicare for hospice reasons. On top of that decision I had to hire Nurses and Aids to come care for her. In the end, it was in my mind the right decision. My wife came home to die and she preferred it too. She got to see her home once more, her cats and me and to feel like she belonged once more and was paid attention to until, she didn’t know the difference. Did I make the right choices for her, I believe I did.
When she passed, I again had to make hard decisions, on how to handle her passing, I tried and worked overtime through my grief, to make it the way, she wanted it. She always told me no pomp. no circumstance, no production or show please. She told me to keep it simple and i listened and did as she wished. There was no wake, no funeral procession, no major show. She had a very quiet and personal graveside burial, and that is what she wanted.
It is a month now since her burial, today. Her burial is paid for now and her headstone is ordered. She rests now in peace where she wanted to be buried next to her son. I will always love her and remember her in my mind and heart, yet I am faced with what to do next for myself, for I am still here and alive. I reached a point, where I thought of joining her, but, as one person told me, I am only 65 and why would i do so, it is wrong to think that way ,I have too much time, left. My future is yet to be determined, and in the end, I have to live for myself now, instead of for her as I did for the past 28 years with her. She would want me to get some enjoyment for myself, now.
When a loved one dies or is in the process of dying, they tend to be honest and forward about things they say. As my wife told me when she was still able, ” I never wanted you to go through this!.” My reply then was simple and heartfelt, “I am here and not leaving you!” I kept my word and I lived up to our wedding vows also. That is what a marriage is about all, it’s called commitment, it’s called also love!
Now I have to take care of all the buisness of her death that remains. Legal matters need tended to, a house needs cleaned out, I must get out of said house for the memories drive me into depression. I shouldn’t have to debate with anyone over what I do. As her husband and spouse, the house and all that is in it, is mine period. I shouldn’t have to get lists by email, or have to go looking for things others want, or have to argue over who gets in my home or not. It’s my home period. Yes, I know I can not live in it anymore, so I am doing what is necessary for me to survive and have a life. There is no otherway to do it, now.
What the future brings for me is yet to be known or seen. So, I am taking life one day at a time, one moment at a time. I hope to be able to settle all matters, and move away from the house and area, and find a place for myself. Is it too much to ask? The last question I have is this, don’t I deserve to have a decent, happy and enjoyable life now, after all I did for her?
Macattack56's Blog 