September 22nd, 2021, time it seems keeps going no matter what and yes, I age also. The stress and tension and anxiety, of my wife’s death put me through depression. I was smart enough to seek help, so I survived it. We all end up at some point in life needing help either mentally or physically in someway, and the situation and circumstances got to me. I did what was right for me and sought help. I have no problem with admitting it all to anyone.
As life goes on now, the house is the next thing I need to make go. It will be hard to say goodbye to the home we shared for 21 years, yet there is no way a single man, can care for a four bedroom home with an apartment in the basement. The price of oil alone is a killer to heat it. Plus, no way to use or make use of such a large place for one person.
As to what is next for me, well, right now I am still finishing the house clean-up and then will sell it outright. The lawyers are next for me, clearing up her will. Once that is done I will sell the house and leave connecticut, and move away. For me, the memories of her and our life, would get me if I stayed, so I am leaving the area. I am not being mean and those who know me understand, I have to get away and start elsewhere, in order to survive. It;s that simple in my mind and heart right now.
Many will ask where I will go, well, where I can live in peace is my idea. I will have to get a smaller place in a decent area, and live quietly on my own once more, the same way I did when I met my wife, who died. Back then I was in a small apartment in the basement of a building by myself. I am guessing, I will probally be right back to that soon enough.
I never was a big spender, and survival in america today is expensive in all ways. So, I want affordable and comfortable, and a new location. For 28 years, I did what my wife wanted, as she wanted and how she wanted. Now, after all that time, I find myself having to pay the bills and make the decisions on my own. Anyone who has lost a spouse will tell you, it is not easy to accept or adapt to. Yet I must and will do it.
I am sure I will be ok, it is just a matter soon of getting used to being alone once more and finding things to do in a new location and meeting new people. It won’t be easy, but, I can force myself to do what is necessary to survive.I know a smaller place, different surroundings will help me in the end. So, it is what I am going to do next.
Sometimes, I look at it like a chapter in a book that is ending for me. For in fact it is a period of my life and times that has come to a conclusion, and now I must turn the page and start a new chapter or book for my own ending to happen ,when it does. I know not what the future brings, so it will be an adventure for me in many ways.
I know I have aged big time this year, when I look in the mirror. The wear and tear on me mentally and emotionally, has drained me and at some point I need to refill that energy level once more to survive.I love life, but, I am also a little hard to get to know and at times sensitive to things around me.People tend to understand me after a while of knowing me, so patienance will have to be a part of me. And hopefully with those I meet, also.
I believe I am processing many emotions and feelings at this time in my life. Loss, hurt, pain, sadness, are tops. Then there is anxieties, fears, apprehensions and yes even doubts about what I can do or how to do things, yet I must do them or they don’t get done. Decisions have to be made, what to do with the house, all of the belongings, what to give to who and why. Then, how to sell the place and find a new one in a new location, what to take with me and what not to take with me and why? So many questions and things to work out.
While there is a feeling of apprehension and yes even fear as to what is next for me, there is also a feeling of anticipation of what the future may bring. So when it comes to emotions and feelings it is a constant up and down for me. As my Doctor told me, one day at a time is all you can do. She also told me, I took care of my wife for 28 years, it is time to take care of myself for a change, and find some enjoyment for myself in my own life and possible ending years. I think she is right. The last 16 years of my life with my wife was all taking care of her, Doctors, dentists, Tests, Scans, MRis, Cat Scans, then Chemo and radiation and immunio-theraphy. Day after day, week after week. Unless you have taken care of a cancer patient, you would not understand ,what I am saying.
The further along the cancer got the more intense it got also. When she fell I picked her up and ran her to the hospital. We went through The ER, ICU, then Hospital stays. We went through not one round of it but two. Then we went through more scans, tests and then off to Rehab Facities. Then back home for 60 days, then it started all over again.Each day was a constant go see her, talk to her, be with her as much as I can.
In the end her medicare coverage was running out, medicare does not cover forever and medicaid would not provide, we had too many assests left. I had to make the decision to bring her home for Hospice care. She came home to her own place she knew and me.
The hardest part of doing Hospice care is you watch them fade from existance and there is nothing you can do for them, except keep them as clean, and comfortable as possible. I did that for her and I fed her, changed her and in the end gave her the comfort meds she needed. I had to do what I did for her sake.
To watch your spouse die is no fun folks and I had it rough. In the end I would never have done it differently. I got to say goodbye and so did she. I would never regret it in anyway I did it.
In the end i gave her the burial she wanted no show, no production, simple and easy. It was her wishes that she told me for 28 years. I couldn’t speak at the gravesite, I was too emotional to even barely stand. But I did it right for her, in all ways I could. I know, in my heart and mind I did all of it correctly and the way she wanted it done.
So, now I will keep the memories of our life and the good times. I will forget the bad and move forward, for I can’t stop living, the Good Lord, has kept me alive for some reason, time will reveal it, I am sure. As each day passes, the memories of our life pass through my mind and I do cry for the loss, yet, once, I let it out, I find myself, and catch myself and move forward a little bit more in all I have to do. Life continues for me, and the clock and time keeps ticking on.