September 23rd, 2021

A month and 3 days have now passed since I buried my wife. Each day I wake up and wonder why I am still here and she is gone, but, I keep going on. Each day is a memory of course that I keep in my heart about her and mind, yet I also know no matter what I have done right, by her in all ways, I know how

Missing her is just something I have no choice on of course, and I try each day, to keep going the best I can. Each day is a mystery and in someways an adventure for me. I have a house to clean out and sell, I have property I must sell with it and cars to care for too. Bills have to be paid monthly, till the house is gone also. So many things to do in a short period of time, it can be daunting, when someone you love, dies.

It’s been an emotional roller coaster for me, since her first fall on March 13th, 2021 right till the moment and day, she died on, August 10th, 2021. Each day was runs to hospitals, ambulance bills, admitting and discharges, admitting to Rehab Facilities and finally home to Hospice where she died. Each step has been hard and emotionally draining on me as a man and as her husband. Yet I know I must do what is right by her, till there is no more to do. There are more than emotional issues at stake when someone dies, there are moral issues and legal issues and in the end, all must be covered in someway. Personally, I never thought I would be doing all of this at all, but, cancer stops for no one. I would never have thought I would be a widower at 65 years old, yet here I am.

Like I said above it’s been an emotional roller coaster now since March 13th, when she fell the first time. LIttle did I know our 16 year battle with her cancer ,would, end this way. IT is over now, except for the legal issues of course and my own life must go on, without her. I am lucky in many ways, but, most of all I have my sister and her man to help me here. So far, I have stayed above water and paid the bills ,I need.

I also did the right thing with her burial and death in all ways I could. She is laid to rest next to her son as she wanted. I made sure of that and in the end she has her gravestone also. Whatever, anyone else may say or do, no one can say, I did not follow her wishes, because I did.

What is the cost of it all finacially, well, it is expensive to bury someone today, especially someone who refused to pay for insurance, all had to be paid upfront. I did so. So the bills are done as far as that goes. What happens next, well, I will see the Lawyers ,for that purpose soon.

Each day is a mystery and adventure period. I know not how I will feel when I wake up, or if I can keep going. There are days I feel like i should have gone with her, even though I am on medications fighting depression. I take them as prescribed daily and carry on the best I can. Is it going to be different in the future, I hope so.

I have made some decisions already and those include selling the house and moving to a new state. Getting rid of the old cars and getting one new dependable one for myself if I can. I am hoping I will have enough to do both of these things. A new location will do me good, the memories I will keep of course, but, staying out of where it all happened and how it happened is vital to my health now. Survival is what I need to do.

I still, know no matter what I am here on earth and living, my time has not come, yet. The Good Lord has not pulled my name or number as of yet, so I am stuck right now here alive and on my own basically. What my purpose is as of yet I do not know, but I believe once we achieve what The Good Lord wants us to, he recalls us to his side. So time shall tell, for the clock keeps ticking and each day passes, some slower than others, some faster.

I have been asked by Doctors, what do I want now, to do with the rest of my life? Well, I can answer it this way, I want peace, I want a decent place to live, I want a decent vehicle and a life with some fun in it. I hope that is not asking too much, but The Good Lord will let me know if it is or not. I want peace for me, for the world and all I love of course. Hopefully, I can have it that way till I pass away, myself.

I watch the news daily, I see the tragedies and the dangers of living. I see people hurting and in trouble and know we all have our own problems to face, I am not blind to it all. I seek a place for me now, one where I can find my inner peace, my way around and my way of life. Is that too much to ask?

I know I did 16 years of service to Uncle Sam, and I also did 28 years with my wife after that, that included 16 years of fighting her cancer and my own too. I hope now that she has passed and when I finish all I must do pertaining to her death, I can find time to enjoy what is left of my own life. Again, I don’t know what the future shall bring regarding me, but I do know I will try to make the best out of it all, that I can.

I have always looked at life differently than most. I have always tried to help others along. It’s in my nature really, always has been. As long as I am healthy, I try to do what I can. I am far from perfect, but, I am not an asshole. I look at things in such a way, as to do what is morally, ethically or legally right and do them that way to the best of my ability is all. Many are competitive and will fight to win at all they do, I just try to do the best I can and let the ending, equal the cause, so to say. So, I shall continue along the best I can, and I hope when I do pass, where ever I am, I am remembered for what I did for others. For as I have now learned, it is how you treat others, that you are remembered for, not what possessions you have or how much money. It’s how did you react to others and did you treat them with respect? Those are the things people remember when you pass or are gone.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.