Monday September 27th, 2001 has arrived. A new day is here now and I am still alive! I am sometimes unsure why I am here, yet I am. I know the good lord is watching over me, he must be or else, I dont think, I would have survived ,my loss, of my wife.
Memories of her and all we did for 28 years come back to me always. Some are funny, some are serious, some are touching and warm and filled with love. I shall always have those memories, and I know she would want me to, also. I would not give back one day, for me, they were days I enjoyed and she did too.
Well, as it goes now, soon enough I will start to settle all I can, with her estate, the taxes and probate court. The house is well underway to being emptied and then all will be sold as soon as i can. The adventure of moving is almost upon me in full force now. I have to start anew and find a new place to live once more.
There will be apartment hunting or condo hunting to do also. I look at places online daily and at vehicles i will need also. I know I do not want to bring with me old beds, old bedding or anything else really. JUst my clothes and important papers and such, until I get set up here. I want new and I want clean and neat and in the end comfortable.
When starting over for me at 65, I need to get away from the house and memories, and find a fresh place. Now I won’t be doing another house in my lifetime at least, I am too old to care for such a big place and the cost of owning one, and keeping it going is crazy for a now widowed man at 65 years old.
Some people are rich I am not, I will have to struggle through to survive even at today’s prices. Everything is rising in cost, foot, heat, rent and more. The American economy is not stable anymore these days. Markets go up and down and life goes on as covid ravages the land and it’s people and the world too. Basically I am wondering how I can survive such an era and for how long, at today’s current styles and rates.
I just know for myself, I must do what I think is right. For me I have only one person I am close with my sister and she and I always got along. So in my mind and heart, I want to be close to her, but not interfere in her life, alot. So, a search for a new beggining has begun as I start to jump through hoops to clean out the house, and sell it and settle the estate to the best of my ability and find a new way of life. Nothing it seems come easy for me, but in the end I hope it will be peaceful and pleasant in my future, so I can laugh some and enjoy my life as it goes on towards it’s end.
I am under no illussion here, believe me. Age 65 is not a time, anyone would want to start over again, yet here,I am. I have no choice really, for I can not impose on others nor can I, not do it. The choice is not mine now, it belongs entirely up to fate, for me. The fates and the good lord took my wife from me, cancer waits for no one folks. Believe me, when I say if there was a way to have stopped her cancer and keeping her with me, I would have found it. There is no way to stop cancer once it has a grip on someone and sadly, it won the battle with my wife.
I have faced cancer many times now in my life. my grandfather on my mother’s side died of it, then it came and got my real father, my step-father, and my mother. Then it raised it’s ugly head again in my second wife who just died August 10th. 2021. In Between in 2013 it hit me too, and I was a lucky man and survived it, after I lost a lobe and a third of my right lung to it. So, cancer it seems is a killer that never quits, it just keeps coming and all anyone can do is fight it the best we can. I have seen it all now, The MRIs, The Cat Scans, The X-Rays, The Radiation, The Chemo, The Immunio-theraphy, pills, hospitals, Ers, and Hopsice Care. Rehab Facilities and so much more.
The equipment, from ramps, to chair lifts, to walkers, to rollators, to wheelchairs. Pills left and right. Cancer causes human heartbreak, it causes pain, suffering and more.I hate cancer, I wish it never existed and that mankind finds a cure for all forms of it. I pray the scientists and doctors and researchers find a cure for all of it and it is eradicated from the planet. yet, I can’t change the fact it exists, it killed many of the people I loved and has left me alone now.
We all get affected by the loss of those we love, at one time or another in our lives. We go through the loss and changes the best we can and we move on in our own way. I can’t change what happened to my wife, I can’t change cancer.
What I have come to learn is fate and destiny and the good lord runs the planet and our lives.I firmly believe we are put here for specific reasons, to accomplish specific things, we know not what they are, but, we do them and when we do, we are then recalled to the Good Lord’s side. We are not allowed to know our purpose really, but we do things each day we must do, that affect others we love and know. It is called living and life folks! For now, I can only say what I feel and think I understand. Life is always a mystery, and adventure for sure. We awake each day, open our eyes and we know there is life and light to live through. We laugh when we can, we cry when we must, we breathe and we sleep. We do tasks and chores, we shop and we eat and drink. At no time do we stop, to think much. about when we shall pass away, at least most, of us don’t. We work overtime trying to deny our passing. And that is human nature.
Time does march on it seems, it is now 48 days, since my wife’s death! Yes I miss her dearly and wish she was still here.