September 26, 2021, it is now 7:19 am, I awoke around 6:30 am today. Coffee and pills now in hand I sit and look at stuff on the internet. The world is constantly changing daily, america is still here and kicking and so am I. The weather is changing now as fall, is upon us here in New England, and the leaves shall change slowly as they have now begun.
Each day is a new beggining for me, as I struggle to go on without my wife, who I had for 28 years by my side. Emotions well up inside me and I tear up at the thought of her being gone now, but I also know, she is at least now, no more pain, no more chemo, radiation, Doctors, immunio-theraphy, no more Rehab Facilities and nursing homes. It wasn’t easy and never could it have been, to keep her home with me in the end, but I did it, and hospice was the way to go in her case.
Now, I have to face the future, without her of course, and so many things have to be done for me to live on. The house needs cleaning out the rest of the way and prepared for sale. The cars have to go, for I only need one dependable one for me now, and the mileage on the ones we had are far too high. They are now, almost 15 years old a piece.
Finding all the paperwork needed for her estate and hiring the lawyer was something I needed to do. It is now done and in progress for me. Since all we owned was jointl, I pay the bills and keep them up to date as I put out money left and right for her burial, her headstone, and the lawyer. In the end i will get some back no doubt, and I should be able to survive without much trouble, I hope.
After a severe bout of depression, I am slowly recovering mentally and emotionally of course. All is slow, but steady as I now realize she would have wanted me to go on and enjoy life some. There is no way, I can stay depressed, I have too much to accomplish and get done to end up in a new place on my own, next.
No, I will not stay in the house, no I won’t even stay in Connecticut anymore, at least that is my plan right now. I want to sell all, get a new vehicle for medical and personal use, and a place for myself like a nice apartment or condo if i can. Of course, it will all depend on the house sale and income that I have left, now.
In the meantime I am existing and living with my sister, who has taken me in after my bout of depression and is helping me with the house, sale and more, as I go along.
I spent my life so far, giving to others, in all ways I could. I never was rich or wealthy, nor was I the best at anything, just good enough was all. I accumilated knowledge and I tried to use it for myself, my wife, my life and in dealing with it all in general. It’s what we all do, isn’t it?
Now I am 65, I have had basically two of everything there is, I think. Two marriages, two kids, and two lives in a way maybe, three. Well the two marriages were totally different of course, and then there is my service years. The service gave me an escape from a childhood, I didnt enjoy and that was rough. I served 16 years and it ended in my being hurt from a fall.
It seem everything in my life goes for long periods of time. Maybe it is a pattern with me, maybe it isn’t, maybe it is just circumstances, I really don’t know. I just know how it went so far. Being who I am, and how I am, I make no excuses for anything I did or said over my lifetime, why because nothing I did hurt anyone intentionally or permanently or on purpose. I never could do that one. I would walk away, instead and not cause further pain or angish before i would inflict any on anyone. It’s my way.
When I say periods in my life, I basically mean periods. I lived in periods of time with different instances of course. My childhood was not as nice as many, and it lasted till I could get old enough to leave. Then I started my service years and my first marriage, my service time went 16 years and my marriage 12. Then once my divorce started there was a brief period I call the lost years of about almost 5 years. Those were spent finding myself, putting myself back together again and starting over.
Then, I found my second wife who I just lost to cancer recently in August. Now, I slowly rebuilt again and at the same time helped her stay afloat and more. We went 28 years together as I went back to school and got a degree. Seven years we spent just living as a couple, before we married. The relationship went 28 years and I miss her today, as I always will. So, when I say periods of time, it seems it is all in chunks of time, that happens in my life.
Now at this stage, I have to face what I think could be the final chunk of time in my own life. I am 65 and a widower now, selling a home I must sell and trying to sort out what to do with my life next.I have a sort of plan for my future of course, as you can tell, from what I have said so far.
My plan is simple, yet probally right for me, I believe. Once the house is sold, I plan on leaving connecticut and moving to Massachuetts nearer to my sister. She is my only family really that I have now. I want a small condo or apartment, a nice vehicle, new furniture, and a peaceful life where I can enjoy some before I can’t anymore. I want peace, but I also want friends new ones and just to be me. Is it asking too much, I hope not.
I have a belief few people do, I think anyway. I believe we are all put here on earth for a purpose, a mission so to say that we must accomplish, before the Good Lord recalls us to his side. Obviously, I am still here on earth so, my guess is the good lord has some plan for me in the future or something for me to do, before I go. What it may be I do not know, I only know I try hard not to hurt anyone.
I would never trade one day of my life for any reason. I accomplished a lot in my years, I helped many in my years and I lived and had some of the best friends any man could. While I was and am not perfect at all, I am a decent man in this life and I always try to do what I believe is right.
Now I believe is time for me to take care of me, to hold myself together, to settle in and try to find a new life, a new way, in a new place. I know not what the future brings for me, but I do know I need peace, and some happiness for myself. I spent 16 years serving my country, and then 28 years taking care of a wife, who had 16 years she battled cancer, with me by her side. If there is justice on earth, and the Good Lord is watching, then he knows I did right by my wife in all I did. I pray he is watching over her and now, over me, while I am still here on earth. I only want to have peace, a place of my own that I like, and a life with some happiness once more.