Tuesday, September 28th, 2021, I awoke at about 7;45 am, coffee is always the first thing I look for now. Each day starts the same for me, it seems and nothing wrong with that. Life must go on, for I am still here on the planet and breathing.
Getting up each day, these days is an effort in one way, I realize after I awake, that my wife has passed and is gone now. My mind flicks to her, and then, I suddenly go there is no way, I can speak to her anymore. It is hard to accept at times after 28 years with her being here. Yet, I am slowly coming to realize, it is the way it really is. You can’t bring anyone back, they are just gone and you must deal with that fact each day, there is no other way to do it.
Life does not end, until it is your time. I know not, when my time will come, but I do know, I am set for burial next to her, by Uncle Sam, when it happens. That thought will have to hold me, till I do pass myself.
Now, I have to finish the business she left for me, when she died. Cleaning out the house, settling her probate in court, paying for it all, is expensive as hell. Death costs are high these days, a plot, a urn, creamation, and more, the numbers are high. IT will takea while to pay it all off, but I will in due time.
Once that is done, I have additional costs to face, the regular bills, then moving on. I need to find a new place to live as I prepare to sell the house we shared for 21 years of the 28 we were together. I seek a comfortable place, for me alone and maybe a dog if i get one for company and companionship. I always wanted a dog so maybe that will be good for me.
I have been looking at condos and apartments in Massachuettes, in the Bristol County area that I have family in. Then at the same time i am trying to find a dependable, SUV for myself after I rid myself of the old vehicles, we had over the years. So many things come up, the Lawyer to settle The Trust is one I had to use also and pay for. Legal advise is always good when your spouse dies, I recommend all get a lawyer for it.
As time marches on, I have to go one day at a time. I also have to stay positive and do all I can to survive and restart my life without my wife, by my side. I know it won’t be easy for me, but I also know, if she were here and could talk to me, she would tell me to move on and build a new life, and be happy and content. As she was losing he rlife and her cognitive functions she did tell me, ” I didn’t want to put you through this!”, I replied “I am here and will be till it ends, no matter what I love you” The last words I spoke to her was to tell her i love her and she replied in kind too.
Now the time has marches on, it has been over thirty days since I buried her, to be prcise 28 as of today. I paid for her burial and her urn and her headstone also. My memories of her will always be with me, and that is how, it will stay, till I die. Yet memories do not make life go on alone, I will have to work to restart and rebuild and find a new place and new life. Now, I will never forget her or the life we shared for 28 years, yet I know I can’t sit still in the same place or the same area we lived in. Memories and reminders of the life we had, would flood me and drive me back into depression, so moving is vital.
There may be some who think, because I am leaving the area of connecticut, I am running from the memories, I am not folks. I am moving so I can live in peace, and I can have my own place and start over. Will, there ever be another woman in my life, that I doubt, at this point in time, at 65 there is no rush for anything at all. I can have friends of course and hope I meet many, for being alone, is not what I want constantly, for myself. Isolation will get me if it happens to me, so I have to try to stay active with people.
For 28 years, I lived my life, attached to my wife. I did all she wanted to do or not do, and stood by her side. I put ,whatever I wanted to do aside. I went places she wanted, including seeing relatives she wanted and friends she wanted. So, my family and long time friends, I did not get to see much. Now, she is gone and, I can go where ever i want and make new friends, I hope. I just hope I can find a way to enjoy the time ,I have left in my own life now.
I have found, I have served others in my life in many ways, more than I have done for myself. Growing up I did what I was asked by my dad. Then when I joined the Service I did all I could as a Soldier and Sailor for 16 years. Then ,I took care of my first wife and children as long as I could and then my second wife, after my divorce. Now, as my Doctor told me, ‘It’s time for Bill to do Bill, be yourself and have fun for a change!” So, next up is my time, if I get the chance to do it!