I would have never expected to be alive today at 66 years old after the life I have lived. Yet, I am and it is surprising to me! I have survived plenty in my days, from seizures to high blood pressure, diabetes and sleep apnea, and PTSD. I find it really amazing I didn’t die at 40 years old or earlier, but here I still am.
As much as living goes, I am just here these days, I have no real involvement in anyone else’s life anymore, especially since my wife died last August 10th. Her passing from cancer left a void in my heart, my soul, and my life that is so huge, I don’t think anyone can fill it, even if I was looking for someone to do so. I know many have said, let her rest, move on, and more to me, stop posting about her, yet, the void she left is like a massive crater in my life. I miss her company, companionship, knowledge,, caring and so much more. I was a lucky man to have her when she was alive for the 28 years we were together. I only wish each day, when I open my eyes, for her to be peaceful in the afterlife and well cared for. I still love her to this day and will forevermore.
Now, I must face the future alone and I have been lucky enough to have a sister who is helping me. I know as she does she is doing all she can for me, and I appreciate her in all ways. Each day since my wife died has been one problem after another for me and it seems to still be going that way. Will it end and will I be allowed to live peacefully and get what I want and need, I don’t know yet, but I sure as hell am trying.
Look to all of the people who think life is easy and have it well each day, I travel onward trying to just find a place to spend my final days. I have found a place Iw ant to settle in, yet the climate of our economy is interfering in getting there for sure. People want to move at their own pace and their business’s own pace when families’ homes are at stake these days. Selling one home and trying to buy a new one is driving me crazy in more ways than one. I only hope i can survive it all and get it done soon.
As far as myself, well, I am on an emotional roller coaster like never before in my life since my wife passed. The days of ups and downs are crazy and I fall into depression more than anything now. Many a day now, I find myself feeling lost, alone and scared and I was never scared like I am now in my whole 66 years of my life. I am though now, for I know I will have to go on alone and how long I last will depend on how well I handle myself and find things to do.
The world stops for no one folks, doesn’t matter if you lose someone you love, doesn’t matter if there are wars, doesn’t matter if political fights are happening, not really. What matters and few get it is, what you do with yourself and how your survival instincts click in when needed.
Whatever happens to me as I go forward, I just want people to know, I treated all I knew as well as I could. I tried to protect the women in my life, in all ways I could. I did the job Uncle Sam asked me to do and more. I was married twice, one 12 years, one 28 years. I gave it to my children when I had it, and I gave it to my grandchildren when I did too. I even gave to my dead wives’ grandchildren in my life. Let it be known, that no matter what, no one gave me credit for all I did for others. It’s the way of the world when you give and to give, but do yourself a favor and never hold your breath for a thank you from anyone, and don’t expect it. For you shall never receive it, people just ask you to give more is all. The world is built on greed, it’s built on lust, it’s built on selfishness, it’s built on personal preferences, not on what you do, or say. The world is as more than one person in history has said, a cruel and heartless place! Believe it folks, because each day that goes by it gets meaner, harder, more impersonal as you age. Never forget that! People don’t worry about you as you age, they basically let you be, and then get all emotional after you die. Instead of caring before you pass, when they should so you know they care, they wait until you’re gone to show it. Do yourself a favor folks as you go along, when people don’t like what you say, or treat you indifferent, or complain about something you said or didn’t say, remember one thing, people come and they go, and life is too short for pure petty, childish bullshit!