Three days before the big day when all celebrate the Birth Of Christ our Saviour! Many do Christmas, and many Hanukkah, some may do others or a call it a different name in the world, but it is a big day to celebrate is it not!
We celebrate by giving gifts, decorations and sending cards, and some spend money they don’t have to see others smile. All very important business and fun for sure, yet I think some need to remember it’s not what you get, it is indeed what you give and it doesn’t mean material things, it can be love, it can be understanding, caring and fulfilling someone’s else’s dreams and needs. The Holiday has special meanings for different people, races, nationalities, but in the end it is all about giving and caring and that is vital to remember. As the big day gets closer, stop and think of those you have known for a long time and love and think of how they are doing and what they may need too. For Family is with you I am sure, but some friends or others you may have known in the past may not be as lucky and they need your thoughts also.
Personally, my thoughts are with those who are my children and grandchildren, may their holidays be filled with warmth, laughter and joy, even if I can not be there with them. I just want them to know they are on my mind and in my heart at all times. I am not rich, nor do I always do everything correct or right and yes I have regrets, don’t we all. I give when I can, and I remember and thank god I can, when I can.
Christmas/ Hanukkah time is a special moment in many minds and hearts and that is what really counts doesn’t it?. We can’t all make the right decisions in life and other sof us may have decisions taken out of our control, for reasons beyond our own. Just because we can’t be there, doesn’t mean we do not think of the ones we are missing. I think that is important for all of the children or parents out there to hear, for the truth is never fully revealed until someone is gone. I hide nothing and my life is an open book to the world and my children’s world too if they want to know me or care, I never lied to them or about them. To me I can not change the past at all, nor can I change what is, I can deal with it in my best way and carry on though. My faults, problems and mistakes are worn on my sleeve and public to all, as are my better qualities too. I am an open book and it matters not what others say or do anymore, I am getting older, and getting more capable of reminiscing, regretting and dealing with it all.
I knew when I was younger on April 14th, 1990, when I left my children behind I had no choice, and it proved to be true. For the fight I experienced to survive and carry on proved it so looking back. I left them with their mother because a single man with no roof over his head or money in his pocket can not support and raise two small girls. Little did I know what their mother would try to do to me, but, I fought that too and with the help of truth, justice and a smart and observant Prosecutor I was released and allowed to come home to my own state and family and friend to recover once again. It couldn’t take the pain from my heart, it couldn’t take the hurt of losing my children from me, but it gave me a way to try to recover in the only way possible, and I made it work.
To the children, my daughters I left behind and still believe I did right by by doing so, I have this to say, I gave you the truth, the facts and broke the lies apart for you, in letters, discussions on the phone an d even in person always being truthful to you. Sadly, even after all I tried I find myself in the position of not being able to change it all in any way that I would prefer, for I have neither my daughter sof grandchildren near me or in my life and that is sad to me and depressing especially during the holidays.
I also know I can not surrender, at least not yet, I must fight on and continue to support my second wife whom I love. She was there when I was at my worse, when I my soul cried itself out, over my loses, when I needed a shoulder to cry on, to recover, She lifted me up thru helping me with education and college, and then thru jobs and even disabilities I suffer with ranging from back injuries to PTSD. She made me go see Doctors at The Veterans Administration and encouraged me to get a Degree. she became and is, my stability, my concrete and my love.
We have been together now for 25 years, supporting one another helping each other, loving and respecting one another, and there are few who can say the same left around for sure and I am proud we are such a couple. We understand one another, we support one another and yes we do fight and argue, any couple says they don’t is lying. Yet, not argument is allowed to stand between us when we go to bed at night and the next day is a anew one. So, I will be here with her til the end.
She had cancer first, breast cancer and yes I was there for each doctor Appointment, each test, each treatment and never left her. I helped her through her chemo and radiation and the recovery. and we went on to grow closer and stayed together through it all. When she overcame and felt better, I was happy to see it. that was 2006 to 2008 for us and her mostly. And I would never have given he rup then or now either!
In 2013, the surprise came, I received a call from my Doctor. It was my turn they found lung cancer in me. I was luckier than her though mine was caught very early and only stage one, so I lost a lobe and one third of my right lung to it. I survived though and carry one still today at the end of 2017. In the meantime in 2016 we got hit once more.
My wife’s cancer returned and this time it went from breast cancer to bone cancer, sadly. Yes she is still with me today in december of 2017 getting ready for Christmas. Yes, I take her in for treatments and check-ups and tests. Yes I bring her home and watch her always, she is strong and hanging on. She gets tired and sleeps when she wishes and I never try to wake her, she needs her rest. I don’t know how long it will be, no one does, including the Doctors she sees. but I am thankful each day she wakes up and can do what she wants. I make sure she takes her medications also, as she makes sure I do mine.
As Christmas comes closer, and closer and we prepare for it, the Wreath went up over the mantle, the swag on the door, the card get hung and we go on. I do all I can doing normal chores and more, watching her shower in case she needs me, putting creams on her arms and feet and when she disappears for any reason I go looking for her. So far she is still here and I hope she never leaves,
I am resigned to some facts though, I am resigned to the fact my children were lost to me that April 14th, 1990 and that no matter what i have tried to do, I can’t overcome it. I tried many times and I thank them for giving me the chance, but I am too old, stubborn and PTSD filled to make it work, I will always miss them and always have from that date, and nothing will ever change it. I am resigned to the fact my wife who is 16 years my senior and the rock of my foundation will die before me and I am resigned to being alone without her. But, in the meantime, and for the time we have, we have one another, and I will have the Best Christmas of all, with her. God Bless all! For it is not the receiving that counts it’s the giving and we give each other life.
Happy Holidays to ALL