I don’t know how long my life may be, I am now 63, my body aches from injuries I attained serving my country and in other ways also. I hurt physically from injuries, such as herniated discs in my spine, arthritis in many joints. But I think in my case, it has never been about the physical pains, it has always been about the mental pain or emotional suffering.
Each person is different in the way they live their lives and we learn that as we grow older for sure. We each hide things, bury them inside and carry them with us, through life, affecting how we are accepted or not accepted by others and how we react to others too. What the mental aspects of one’s life are, affects all, we really do.
I, for instance, have always been fighting to be me, myself, you know what I mean, I am sure. I never was a hero in anyway, nor was I a joiner. People like me are called loners and it is for a reason. Loners stay alone for many reasons, and each reason they have usually has to do with experiencing things they shouldn’t have , for reasons they could not control. So to avoid future pain, hurt or damage to myself I isolate myself from the world, it’s a built in mechanism in people who are damaged or hurt, period.
Few know loners, and why they become loners, and what caused us to be loners. Some loners have problems not their fault, they were born with hyperactivity and attention deficit disorder, or a mental instability or personality disorder. Like me, I fit into many of the above reasons for being a loner. I also know I prefer being one, for I can’t take the risk of emotional abuse, or mental abuse anymore, I border on a breaking point and I know it, so I avoid it by staying alone. It’s s choice I made many decades ago as a kid, around ten years old, when I was looked at as emotionally damaged and a problem child. When I was shipped off to an institution for emotionally damaged children for two years, by a mother who couldn’t handle me. That’s called abuse by me, or the beatings from a stepfather, that I didn’t deserve but got, as did my brothers. Yes, we all got beat, but, as most will say, I always got the worst of it.
It wouldn’t be until I got to High School at 14 to 15 years old when the beatings stopped, why because I wasn’t there anymore. So the physical beatings I escaped, not out of anything other than the fact, I outgrew it physically. The mental abuse, verbally never stopped until I left home permanently and never returned.
All of it from my childhood, is now by medical experts called Post Traumatic Shock Disorder, or PTSD. I have memories that affect everything I do, from my childhood and from my time in service too. PTSD, makes it rough to survive in life, because an action by someone else, can cause me to flash back mentally and the reaction can surprise others as not being normal at all. I can flash to anger at times, I can flash to tears at times also, I don’t want the world to see it, so I do what comes naturally for me, I isolate myself, and I disappear, or I lash out in anger, or find myself crying in private for what many wouldn’t understand or I wouldn’t want them to see.
I flash to tears watching television sometimes, because something triggers a memory from childhood or from the military when I served. These periods are real, but hidden and the anger ones are held inside as best I can. We build coping mechanisms mentally and use them on automatic pilot as needed. It’s all a part of my PTSD.
The older one gets, the more easier it is to isolate and avoid then to face and fight. The less chance of lashing out at someone else and hurting them by accident this way. That’s why I am a loner, as much as I can be. PTSD is not something we can control, if you suffer it, it is just something you can seek help with, but it will never disappear fully, it’s becomes a part of who you are. You live with it in the best ways you can, is all and you suffer through.
I am a Loner, always have been and always will be til the day I die. Right or wrong, left or right, up or down, doesn’t matter to me anymore. Not when the PTSD sets in or acts up, I lash out, I cry, I react in strange ways and then bounce back later. This is the life a PTSD Victim lives, and only I can understand myself or a mental health expert, no one else will or can.
I also know my lashing out, flashing of anger or reactions from anger to tears is not normal and not on purpose or controllable at times, it just happens. I don’t intend to purposely hurt anyone, it just happens and later it leaves me with feelings of guilt to deal with on top of everything else. So it is a revolving, turning, evolving thing, I lose control of. So I try hard to stay alone and live in peace.
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