I pray daily, but no help seems in sight.

On March 13th, 2021, my Melinda went down at three am here. I got her up and to the hospital by Ambulance. Then she went thru three days in the ICU and a Hospital Room and then was transferred to a Rehabilitation Hospital in Hartford, here. Twice now she has been ambulanced to another Hospital for immediate care needs, blood clot in one leg, and high heart rate and temperature. Now, she is in MT Sinai Rehabilitation Hospital in Hartford, and non responsive to speech and unable to walk at all. Her cognitive abilities are not working, and her right leg is totally gone, she is 80 years old.

Now I have tried to get her help continually, and of course, speaking to Doctors, and Nurses and slowly I am watching her fade from me completely.

We built a life together over the last 28 years. 21 of those married, happily to one another, now she is gone and it does not look like she can recover at all to me.

Now since she went down, I have visited her every other day that I can, Driving the distance both ways. I am trying to care for her and myself and I am failing now myself.

My spine is shot, my neck is in serious shape disc wise and so is my lower back now. As I try to see her as much as I can, I am in need of reaching more help for her and failing here. Who do I call, how do I get her on Medicaid, and save all we built here, before the medical facilities come take everything we built. I don’t know, I am struggling with all of it.

Today is the 29th of March 2021. I am up at 3 am in pain, my spine is wracked with pain, my neck and shoulder too. Twice in the past 24 hours my left leg has gone completely numb and useless on me, and I have almost fallen, myself down the stairs in our home.

I have been dumping paperwork and magazines and catalogues left and right. Trying to clean boxes and boxes of old junk we never need, she wouldn’t let me do before. My progress is extremely slow and difficult now. I doubt, if I can keep going doing it.

The bills will need paid as they come in, the house needs emptied and sold, and I need legal protection from what is coming.

How long can I do all of it, I don’t know, the pain is not only physical now, depression is setting in from all of this and PTSD is here too. It is difficult for me to even function and survive right now, I feel like giving up and surrendering. I am not as strong as others think I am, because I don’t say anything to them. Soon, I will have to surrender myself, for I am slowly crumbling inside, I cry each day, I fight back tears and pain, hobbled, and do what I can. I am now 65 years old, fragile, hobbled and using a cane to walk these days. I don’t use it publically for fear someone will see me, and know I am in trouble and take advantage of me.

I have to call Melinda’s Doctors today, her condition is worse than before to me, she is practically catatonic, no response when she sees me now. I need to know what is next for her, and i need to leave this big cave of a home behind too. I can’t keep living in these memories or this emptiness either.

I made out an application for disabled housing and need to hand it in and see if i can get it. Then I need to move in there as soon as they tell me Melinda will not be coming home. Shut down the House, empty it, furnish the apartment once I am in. Then come back and finish cleaning out the house, and sell it.

Is there a way to find help here? I have no idea, I can only hope and pray, I dont go down soon myself, I know, I am close now.

I get questioned daily about Melinda’s conditions and her status by her daughter and sister. I have no answers for them because, the Doctors have no answers for me either. I ask and get told the same thing each time, we don’t know what her prognosis is, or if she will come back. The brain bleed from the fall, and the pressure it put on her brain is all of it, I am sure. Then, I add in the cancer she has, and the fact it is in her bones, she can’t get immunotherapy anymore for it and I am sure, it will advance in her soon. There is no treatment happening so, cancer shall ravage along.

I took pain and muscle relaxer pills at 4 am today after waking up at 3 am. I am going to call a Lawyer first thing, that I can today. Then, call Medicaid for Melinda and try to get her on it. Her Medicare is all she has and it will run out, soon enough. Once it does she will be moved to another facility probably close by me, here. I have no idea, what else I can do, at this point.

I am now, at a loss for words, and crying again. I wish to God, I had help and a way to get it all done. I pray daily, but no help, seems in sight.