One of the most painful and emotional times of my life is currently happening and I know there is no way around it and it must be faced. After 28 years of life together, and 15 years of my wife fighting cancer with my help, we have reached the end of the road, by way of Hospice care, at home,for her.
Now, I can never and would never abandon my wife due to the cancer or her coming passing from this earth, some would and try to move on. I believe in what my marriage vows said for better or worse.
Yet as the period of time in waiting goes on and she lays in a bed in my home, I wake up each day, praying it will be over soon enough for her and I. Trying to deal with her being changed three or four times a day, cleaned the same number her linens changed and cleaned as needed and then feeding her the best I can with Puree Foods, is not easy. I cry and cry and go stir crazy, walking my home, waiting.
The emotional toil is huge upon my heart as I see her slowly slipping away. I cry nite and day when I think of it, so I try to watch television, play a video game or write on my computer. always checking her to see if she is still breathing and with me. Her fight has been my fight for fifteen years now, together we have gone to Doctors, oncologist, chemo, radiation and immuniotheraphy. , Now no more going to Doctors as she has gone through Emergency Rooms, ICUS, and rehab facilities and nursing homes. Each step of the way I have been here, following her, visiting her, talking to her, trying to keep her going. Now, we have reached the final plateau, so to say.
Each day the Nurses Aids come in and clean her up, change her underpants. wash her down and change her linens as needed. As she lays there, and can do nothing to change a thing, I know she is there still, for she breathes and she only complains, when they move her legs and it causes her pain.
The Stress and Tension is a killer for me, I have already gone into a Emergency Room myself, when I thought I was having heart trouble. Turned out, it is stress and tension from caring for her and the constant knowledge of knowing what is coming. I have seen it before with other family memebers of mine. I lost my grandfather to cancer, my real father to cancer. my Step-father to cancer and my mother too. Then my wife started her journey with it in 2006., it is now 2021. In the middle in 2013 I was found to have lung cancer myself, a sixteen hour operation and the removal of a lobe and one third of my right lung, is how I am still here, myself.
The loneliness can kill someone who has been with someone over 28 years like I have. I miss her voice, her laughter, her movement, the interaction we always had. I go no where, I stay with her always trying to feed her and speak to her, without her replying, now.
I have tried to reach out for help but the ones to help are now up to an hour away before they can get here to help me. My step-daughter came running when I went into the Emergancy Room and my sister came from two hours away too. Now it is all a waiting game as she is changed daily, I feed her puree food, and the Nurses and Nurses’s aids come and go. My sister is staying with me a while, for she knows how it is affecting me.
I sleep on a couch in my livingroom as she is in a bed in my dinningroom. I wake up almost every hour to check on her to see if she is still with me. I sometimes, pray she will let go and go in her sleep without any pain or hurt at all. I feel guilty for feeling that way, but ultimately, I want her to pass as painless and comfortable as humanly possible. The comfort meds are in the fridgerator ready to be used as needed. The clock ticks by, constantly, as I wonder when shall she pass on, how soon wil this be over with. No predictions can be made, no prognosis has been firmly set, yet I am told, soon.
In the meantime I end up walking my house, cleaning the house, pacing back and forth, trying to handle it all. I started going through belongings and throwing out things I will never use or that are junk, because when she is gone so goes the house and all we ever had, I can’t keep such a large place by myself, long. Nor does a single man have any use for a large house with four bedrooms and three and a half baths and a half acre to care for. So preparartions have to be made for my own life to go on also.
So I applied for an apartment for myself in an elderly, disabled complex, the waiting time is two to four years to get it. so in someway, I must remain in the house we put together, till, that happens.
CANCER, IS NOT DISCRIMINATING, PREDIJUCED, FUSSY, OR ANYTHING ELSE FOLKS. IT ATTACKS ALL AND IT IS PERSISTANT, AND KEEPS GOING TILL IT WINS!.
YOU GET LETTERS AND PHONES CALLS DAILY ON DONATIONS FOR A MILLION DIFFERENT CAUSES IN THIS WORLD FOLKS. PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE REQUESTS FOR BATTLING CANCER IN ALL WAYS !!!
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