We are all social animals, humans and I miss her.

Saturday August 21st. 2021, my wife’s nightmare has ended of 16 years of fighting cancer and she is now buried next to her son. It will be one day at a time for me now, one moment, one thought, one action. I have to remember to eat, drink and find things to do each day.

I now own a big home, with all in it, two cars, and loneliness. Disposing of all of the junk, her old clothes, going thru boxes and bags and more, won’t be fun.

I need to contact the Lawyers, settle her estate and death taxes. Then, I need to figure out what is left for me and sell the big house. It will be a slow process for sure. So many questions now remain for me, like how do I get back to a normal sleep mode, what do I do with my life, how fast can I move out of this house and find a new life to live, for myself? I know staying here in our home is not an option now, it will kill me in time.

I know some things for sure, my own health is not great, and I will need medical attention at some point. Then on top of that, I need to decide where I want to go to live, when I depart this house.

I am trying to decide what will be best for me and in my future days. where can I find peace and happiness for my own ending. The choices now are a few for me, I can try going north closer to my sister who has been a great help thru it all, or I can pack and go west to Pittsburgh, Pa and be near to my daughter and my grandchildren. The third option is to find a single one bedroom apartment here, close by and start over here. I know the third option is where I started as my wife was dying, because I thought I was not wanted elsewhere. So I applied in three apartment complexes around here. All have long waiting periods of up to 4 years, unless a tenant dies, then maybe I can get in.

Limited income will be a problem, but I can’t go back to work or try to I am incapable, and would lose all my benefits period. As it is with Melinda’s death I lost income, so I shall examine whatI have before i decide what to do next. Just like i must settle with the probate court also. What remains will help me decide what is next for me.

As my wife was dying I put off my own medical care and dental care too. So time will tell how soon, I can try to recover, those also. I am trying to be logical and use common sense to get thru, yet the emotions of the loss of my wife, come thru and slow my progress for sure. I must find a way to deal with the emotional impact of her death, and the possible PTSD from it, also on top of all of the rest, I have already.

I did what was right for my wife for 28 years, I gave her the life she wanted and needed right down to the colors of our home and the hospice care for her death and in the end, her wishes at the time of her burial. I have no regrets on how I did it, and I don’t think anyone can say I did any of it wrong. so, now it is up to the good lord, as to what happens to me next and how long I survive, myself.

Fates, and destinies, are out of my hands or anyone’s hands. I do not control all that happens now for me, but I shall press forward, the best I can. I am 65 now, bad back and neck, 6 herniated discs in my spine, PTSD from three parts of my life, childhood, Navy, now her death, blood pressure and heart problems yet I am still here and she is gone.

I married a woman 16 years my senior when I married her and knew it then, that I would probaly survive her. I knew during her 16 year cancer battle the end was coming for her, I just never knew how soon. I expected it for years as many who know me can testify to, for I spoke to some about it happening. What I didn’t know and will never understand is what to do next, to stay alive myself, till my time comes?

I find myself at times wishing I had died with her, like I said I wanted to. I wanted to climb in the bed and die beside her when she died. My sister, God Bless her stopped me from talking that way and stayed with me till, her end came. Now, I am alone again, and the struggle for day to day survivial, will be constant. What the future brings, how my ending shall come, or when, I have no way of predicting, but I know at 65, this is the roughest part of my life to live, in loneliness, for we are all social animals humans and I miss her.